Practical Jokes List

1. The Ball Bearing

In this practical joke, you take a small metal ball bearing and place it inside the hub cap of your victim's tire. When the victim gets in his car and begins to drive, the ballbearing will bounce around making all kinds of racket. As the victim's car gains momentum, the centrifugal force of the tire will cause the ballbearing to stay put and there will be no noise. Then as the victim slows down, the ball bearing will break free from the centrifugal force and begin making a loud racket all over again.

2. Alarm Clocks

Take about 10 alarm clocks or watches. Set the first alarm clock to go off at 3:00 am, then set the other alarm clocks to go off at various times after 3:00 am. For example, you might have one go off at 3:28 am, then another go off at 4:03 am.

Go to your victim's bedroom and hide the alarm clocks throughout the room in various hiding places. Be sure that they aren't covered too much though, or they won't wake up your vicitim.

That morning, your victim will wake up at 3:00 am, then every other time a new clock goes off.

3. The Cubicle Spider

If you work in an office cubicle, you most likely have friends that work in adjoining cubes. Next time you are at work, go to the other side of the friend's cube and toss a tiny fake spider over the edge of their cube so in lands in front of them.

To create the fake spider:

1. Get a small piece of paper and fold it up.

2. Take a rubber band and cut four strips.

3. Lay these strips over the piece of paper and stable them.

4. You should have a piece of paper with 8 rubber band legs.

5. Get a black marker and color your fake spider black.

Enjoy hearing your victim jerk back from their desk as your tiny fake spider lands in front of their monitor from above.

4. Dog Biscuit Hors D'oeuvres

If you are hosting a party with chips, fingerfoods, and other hors d'oeuvres, then this is the perfect opportunity to play this practical joke. Take a nice plate and arrange small doggy treats on it. Be sure to choose treats that look like wrapped fingerfoods (not milkbone buscuits). Serve them to your guest and watch their facial expression as they chew on a doggy treat.

It's probably a good idea to serve some real refreshments first, before attempting this joke. This way your guest will not suspect anything different.

Authored by: Eric Head.

Eric is runs a website titled article bug where he hosts some useful articles: Article Bug [http://www.articlebug.com]

Feel free to check out his website.

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Elderly widow

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 18 February 2011 | There are no comments

Worried that they will not hear any apartment in the elderly widow, mother, said his son,

"Tony, you'll be taken to the nearby and see how the old Mrs. Pierpoint is?"

A few minutes later, Tony returned.

"Well, is he Okay?" asked the mother.

"He is okay, but he has a rather kokevien with you," remarked Tony.

"At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said, none of your business is how old he is."

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Evolution, in the case of an accident

Atheist was taking walk through forests, all of which, "developments in the event of an accident" was created in the setting sun. "What majestic trees! Effective on the banks of the River! What a beautiful animal! ", he said to himself.

As he walked along the banks of the River, he heard a rustling behind him, shrubs. He turned and saw him in the levying of the 7 foot grizzly. He ran as fast as he could go up to the path. He looked through his shoulder, and saw that the bear was close to him. He ran faster, scared so that his eyes were coming on the screens. He looked over his shoulder, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically, and he tried to run more quickly. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled picked themselves, but saw him … the right top of the left paw had him and raises him with the right paw to find him bear ….

The times, an atheist cried out, "Oh my God, help me …"

All of a sudden the time stopped. Karhu froze in motion. The forest is never so silent. Even on the banks of the river no longer move. A shining ray of light in the sky and shone the man born. A powerful voice

"You have denied my exist for all these years; Others teach, that does not exist and the creation of a Cosmic accident credit. For me, assist in the completion of this regulatory requirements ran out of you waiting for? Am I is calculated, you can now than in the believer? "

Atheist blinked directly to the light "should I convert all hypocritical Christian in these years, but may instead you Bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said top vote. Bright light disappeared. All of a sudden life prolongation of existing hospitalisation, results in a man around. The River ran again. The forest became once again the nature of the lightly with sounds alive.

The bear confused. Slowly he put his right paw Paws, both bowed his head, compiled, and graciously talked about:

"Lord, this food, which I am really thankful to receive, I am."

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

10 Ways To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out

3. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

6. Mini-Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary”.

8. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

9. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

10. Men are From Mars, Women can see Your Penis

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

17 Rules Between Men and Women

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any given time..

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks ackbone, and is a wimp.

16. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

1 Line Humor

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 18, 2011 | No Comments

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.

[5] A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.

[8] You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[11] Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

[13] Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[16] You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[17] It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[25]It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

So Enjoy Life and Take it easy…

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Differences Between Men and Women

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Dealing With a Lawyer

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 9, 2011 | No Comments

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Parrot

The man tries to buy a parrot, but several weeks may not be able to get it to speak a single word. In desperation, he takes the advice of a professional bird.

Training tells him that the Parrot beak is too long to prevent him from speaking. He says that he can file it in the $ 100.

Parrot owner thought that was rather expensive and wondered aloud if he could only file it will fix itself.

Training tells him is a very delicate procedure and trained Professional. If he still wont be enough for the file to speak, bird, but he, too, the bird drown the files at the same time his drinking water.

The man decides to think that and leave the Parrot.

Several weeks later, the vocational education and training takes place in order to meet the requirements of the owner of the Parrot, which looks rather than down. The Parrot and the man in the sense he replies that his Parrot is dead.

"Did you try to file his beak down yourself?" asked the vocational education and training.

The man nods his head.

"When you try to drink thereof were drowned, and he his water right?"

"No," replied the Parrot owner, "he was dead When I took out of his head, vise."

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Parenthood

1. you can spend their lives teaching their walk and talk in the first two years. You can then spend the next sixteen to get just sit down and shut.

2. Grandchildren are the reward of God killing children is not itself.

3. now the teenagers of the mothers I know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children can seldom misquote. In fact, they generally play a word for word what you said.

5. the Holding of children's parties, main purpose is to remind you that there is more terrible than their own children.

6. We childproofed, but they are the homes remain.

ADVICE for children to be the day: comfortable. In the home of their own they choose one day.

And finally:

If you have a lot of tension and cause headaches, then follow the instructions on the bottle: take two aspirin and keep AWAY FROM children!

 

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Pane header-Kid

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 24. January 2011 | There are no comments

15 years ago, when I was in College, my roommate and did a lot of drinking and partying. One night we had been drinking too much and we ended with my boyfriend's House, where we spent the night.

The next morning his roommate Joe, had a big grin on his face and said: "you'll just box Top Kid now." He was laughed at, so great to loosen and asked what he talked about.

He explains that the previous night during which he had been playing with friends, had become completely wasted out of – the – a bedroom and a little bathroom squatted box to the right of the door and it peed.

I peed a regular kitchen table in the view box, which all have been playing cards! This guy was always drag the jokes of people and I figured that he had just come around with me … until approximately 3 weeks later.

I had a class where the girl came to me and said: "Hey, I know you from the Joe's house, where we had the game of Poker. Man, you were in the Americas, the night drunk! "and then he went on to tell us how he was really embarrassed me! Needless to say he is not nearly as embarrassed as I was! To this day my college roommate tells you about the story, but I've learned a few good old for him, too!

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

What Movies Tell Us About Computers

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 11, 2011 | No Comments

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don’t, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS” (see “Fortress”).

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it’s turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see “Demolition Man” and countless others).

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labelled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see “Alien”, “2001?).

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Seizures

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 11. May 2011 | There are no comments

"My dog has Seizures and to try to determine what got them, he went to the cat scan. When we brought her home, was completely shaved his head and he was the permanent character of dark blue, depending on where the points of his procedure to Lidocaine. The next morning, when I got my dog's head was now also in bright green mark lines … I asked my daughter, who was about 4 or 5 at the time of what happened. .. and his face with the most proudest grin, he informed me that he combined with gus's dots … yup, he certainly was ... and we were very sorry for the hair grows back, finally! "

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Search For Jesus?

Posted on daily joke | on June 25, 2011 | There are no comments

A drunk stumbles through the baptismal Sunday afternoon down By the River.

He goes into the water to walk and stand next to the preacher. Ministerial changes and discovers an old drunk and says, ' Mister, are you ready to look for Jesus? "

The drunk show back and says, "the preacher, Yess.Make sure that I am. "

Then fellow Ministers and dunks of the water and pulls him to back up. "Have you found Jesus?" asked a preacher.

"Nooo, I have not!" said, drunk.

The preacher then dunks him in little more time, brings him and says, "now, brother, you have found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I do not have the Reverend."

According to the man in the possession of the preacher loathing for at least 30 seconds, this time to bring him out of the water and says ankara, saying, "God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says, the preacher …

"Are you sure that this is where he fell?"

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Scottish Lad Me

Posted a day in the life of a joke | on June 1, 2011 | There are no comments

Scottish lad me and Las were 23 in conjunction with the heathery hill Highlands. They had been quiet for a while, when Las said: "For your thoughts on tax appropriations."

Lad me was a little abashed, but he finally said, "well, I've been thinkin' of how nice it would be if you give me a wee bit kiss."

As he did so. But he again this pensive mood, which lasted long enough for the Las ask him "what is your thinkin' now?"

Where the lad me grumbled, "well, I was hopin' you had forgotten the penny!"

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Sermon

Posted on daily joke | on June 24, 2011 | There are no comments

Minister gave a sermon, one of the ten minutes on Sunday morning, which was approximately half the length of his usual sermons.

He explains, "I am sorry that my dog, who is very fond of dolls in the form of paper, ate my eating in the sermon, which I was unable to provide the contribution this morning."

After the service, the hit from another church preacher with the hands shook as he was and said,

"Sir, if the dog's puppies you might know I want to get to my Minister!"

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Book With No Story

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 27, 2011 | No Comments

A blond puts a book on the librarian’s desk and says,

“This book has no story and way too many characters.”

The librarian says, “So that’s where the phone book went.”

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Bowlegged Man

A young lad and his mother were walking down the street one day when suddenly the boy yelled out excitedly,

“Mother, Mother, Look at that bowlegged man!”

His mother immediately hushed him explaining it was not polite to make fun of bowlegged people.

The next day the same thing happened,

“Look mother, there’s that bowlegged man!”

The mother grabbed the lad by the arm saying,

“When we get home you’ll be punished for this outburst.”

When they got home, she gave her son a work by Shakespeare,

“Go to you room and read this book. You can’t come out until you have finished it. Maybe you will learn something from this punishment.”

Two days later they are walking down the same street when the boy again spots the person he had been making fun of:

“Hark! What manner of men are these, Who weareth their legs in parentheses?”

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

What the movies tell us about computers

Word processors never display a cursor.

Never do not need to use a SPACEBAR when typing long sentences.

All of the displayed-inch high letters.

High-tech computers, such as NASA, the CIA 's, or some of the State institution, is easy to understand video drivers. Those who do not, is incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can get access to the "ACCESS to all OF the SECRET files", all of the keyboard, simply type the information you want.

Similarly, can be transmitted to a computer virus can destroy, enter simply "Upload virus" (see "The Fortress").

All of the computers are connected to. You can use the Protocol to the Villain of the data on your computer, even if it is disabled.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press the key on the keyboard or screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it does not go faster than you can read. * Really * advanced ones also emulate the sound of the printer, matrix printer.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash below the surface of pots. Malfunctions are marked with a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower, and sparks an explosion that forces you backward.

Enter off of the computer users disable the saving of data.

A hacker can gain the most from your computer before the intermission in the world and the secret password in the two to try to guess.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has the BYPASS feature (see "Demolition Man", and countless others).

Complex calculations and huge amounts of data loading in the civil service of less than three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to pass the information to two gigabytes per second speed.

When the power station is the site of the missile, all regardless of whether the/overheats control panels to explode, as the entire building.

If the disk has got encrypted files, you will be asked automatically password when you try to use it.

Regardless of what is a computer disk is available, it is put into the system. All application software is available for all computer platforms, the more high-tech equipment, has more buttons (the aliens). However, each is trained to be a very, because the buttons are not marked.

On most computers, regardless of how small, is actually a three-dimensional, defying the active animation, graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always has amazing real-time video is evidently the phone's features and CRAY-Supercomputer performance.

Whenever a character looks at a display Terminal work, the picture is bright, and that it projects itself onto his face (see "Alien", 

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

What do you do on the Golf course?

Posted on daily joke | on July 10, 2011 | There are no comments

The four friends go to Golf on Sunday, married. On the third hole during the following conversation: Edicomiin

First Guy: "man, you have no idea what should I do to become a Golf this weekend. I had luvattavaksi my wife that I paint the room, the first of the weekend. "

Another Guy: ' that is not for nothing, I had luvattavaksi my wife, can I build his new deck of the pool. "

The third Guy: "man, both have it easy! I had luvattavaksi my wife, that his kitchen remodel ".

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the guy has said a word about the early in the fourth. So they ask him. "You can not do had nothing said there may be a Golf this weekend. What is a contract? "

The fourth Guy: "I do not want to talk about it. It says the only basis for the new House is being poured into the next Tuesday. "

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

A Noise…

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

“That’ll teach them!” I replied.

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

A Nickel (5 cents) and a Dime (10 cents)

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 14, 2010 | No Comments

Little Johnny used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn’t know what Little Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.

They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Little Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and Little Johnny would always take the nickel — they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, “Little Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel just because it’s bigger”

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve saved $20…!”

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

the first and second time

A married couple in their annual medical examinations scheduled for the same day, so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor said the then elderly man:

"You are good. Do you have medical concerns, which you would like to discuss with me? "

The man, "", said. "When I have sex for the first time with my wife, I am usually hot and sweaty. But then, when I have sex with my wife for a second time, I'm usually cold and chilly. "

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me know and we will contact you for more information, see the section".

The doctor, after examining the elderly woman said:

"All should be fine. Do you have medical concerns, which you would like to discuss with me? "

The woman replied that she had no issues or concerns.

The doctor, you will be asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after sex for the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why? "

"Oh that old coot!" he replied. "That is because, for the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in the month of December!"

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

The entire story

Then the couple, who had married and was happy about the whole thing.

He was happy about the hole, he was satisfied with the document.

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

The difference between men and women

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 31. January 2011 | There are no comments

For example, suppose that a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named "Elaine. He asks her out of the movie; She accepts; they are quite in good time. A few nights later, he asks her out to dinner and again they own. They still see each other regularly and after either one of them sees to anyone else.

Then, when they are driving home one evening, the idea takes Elaine and without really thinking, he says it aloud: "Don't you see, as of today, we've been seeing each other exactly six months?" And then not a silence car.

Elaine, so it feels very loud silence. He thinks for himself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Perhaps he knows is limited to our relationship; Perhaps he thinks I am some kind of obligation to attempt to push him, that he does not wish to or are not sure.

And the Roger thinks: Gosh. For six months.

And Elaine thinks: but Hey, I'm not so sure I want to this type of connection, either. Sometimes, I was a little more space, so it is time to think about whether I want to help us Continue moving, we have steadily toward … way really I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other in peace at this level? We are heading towards marriage? Towards children? Toward a lifetime together? I am ready for the level of commitment? I know you really even this person?

And the Roger thinks: … so, which means it was … let's see …When we started to go out in February, after the car dealer was correct, that means … lemme check the odometer … was Wow! I'm way overdue for oil change.

And Elaine thinks: he is shocked. It can be displayed on his face. Maybe I am reading this completely wrong. Perhaps he wants more, more peace, more commitment; Perhaps he is a recognized – even before I felt the feeling that I had some reservations. Yes, definitely, that is Why he is so ... reluctant to say anything about their own feelings. He is afraid that it will be rejected.

And the Roger thinks: and I'm never looking at them again. Don ' t care, these morons say it has not yet been shifting to the right. And they better not try to blame the cold weather, at this time. What is the cold weather? It is 87 degrees, and this thing is like in the case of the former and I paid $ 600 for the thieves to these incompetent.

And Elaine thinks: he is angry. And Don't blame him. I want to be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I think the way you can help. I am just not sure.

And the Roger thinks: they are likely to say, it is only a 90-day warranty … scumbags.

And Elaine thinks: maybe I am just too idealistic, is expected to be a Knight in the start-up Riding his white horse, when a person sits perfectly good, come and enjoy a person I really care about the person, the person who actually seems to care. A person who is in pain, because my centered, schoolgirl-Romantic fantasy.

And the Roger thinks: the warranty? They want to guarantee? I'll give you the warranty. Take their warranty and shove it … … … … ….

"Roger," Elaine reads aloud.

"What?", says Roger, säikähdys.

"Please Don't torture yourself in this way," he says, his eyes begin to brim and tears. "Perhaps it should never have … Oh gosh, I feel so … " (She violates, sobbing).

"What?", says Roger.

"I am such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know, none of the Knight. I really know that. It is stupid. Not a Knight, and not not horse. "

Roger "is not a horse?" says.

"You think I'm fool you?" Elaine says.

No!, "says Roger, glad finally knows the correct answer.

"It is just that … it's that I … Needed for an extended period of time, "says Elaine.

(Not more than 15 seconds, although the Roger thinking as fast as he can to try to come to secure a response. Finally, he becomes the one, that he or she thinks might be able to work.) "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touched his hand.) "Oh, really Do, Roger so?" he says.

"How?", says Roger.

"In this way, the time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "yes ..."

(Elaine rotates to face him and gazes into his eyes, deeply sales descriptions become very nervous about what he might say, especially if it relates to the horse. Finally speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," he says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he considers his home and he lies in his Bed, conflict, tortured soul, weeps, and before the advent of when you get back to his place, Roger, he opens a Doritos bag, turn on the TV and becomes a deeply involved in the immediate Run tennis court together, he never heard of two of the Czechoslovakians. Their minds far away in the recesses of the Tiny voice tells him that something important was going back there in the car, but he is pretty sure he will never understand what, and so he figures it is better, if he does not think about it.

The next call to his closest friend of Elaine, or maybe two, and I'm going to talk about this situation six straight hours. Rigorous detail everything he said and everything he said goes on again and again, looking for each word, phrase, analyze, and for the meaning of a gesture, taking into account all possible Ramification nuances. They continue to discuss the matter, the current week, perhaps months, never reaching a definite conclusions, but never getting bored, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, play racquetball, one day he and Elaine's mutual friend with stops just before serving, frown, and say:

"The usual, Elaine never own a horse?"

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

The Idiot’s Guide to Internet Success!

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 3, 2011 | No Comments

Let’s begin (Please take note of the sarcasm in these):

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?

A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?

A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?

A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?

A: As you’re surfing around the net you’ll see banners and links that say things like “Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!” Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won’t really take ninety days though, will it?

A: Of course not. They just say that so you’ll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn’t sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I’ve found one that says “Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!” Is that good?

A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?

A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it’s the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it’s MLM, by the time my third level is operating I’ll be making $345,915.45 per week.

A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?

A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ… uh, clients. You can switch your mother’s long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.

A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It’s for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?

A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.

A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it’s bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won’t I lose my web host and ISP?

A: In the get-rich-quick business, it’s important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?

A: Here’s a list of suggestions:

–Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.

–Join every free banner exchange.

–Get your own free-for-all links page.

–Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.

–Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. –Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.

–Hire a bulk emailer.

–Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I’ve done all that and I’m still not rich. I haven’t even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?

A: It’s possible that you’re not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don’t have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?

A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I’ve never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?

A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

USD 2 Dollar Bill

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: “Hi, I’d like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.”

Server: “That’ll be $1.04. Eat in?”

Me: “No, it’s to go.”

At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: “Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.”

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: “Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?”

Manager: “No. A what?”

Server: “A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.”

Manager: “Ask for something else. There’s no such thing as a $2 bill.”

Server: “Yeah, thought so.”

He comes back to me and says, “We don’t take these. Do you have anything else?”

Me: “Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why?”

Server: “I don’t know.”

Me: “See here where it says legal tender?”

Server: “Yeah.”

Me: “So, why won’t you take it?”

Server: “Well, hang on a sec.”

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I’m a shoplifter, and says to him, “He says I have to take it.”

Manager: “Doesn’t he have anything else?”

Server: “Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change.”

Manager: “I’m not opening the safe with him in here.”

Server: “What should I do?”

Manager: “Tell him to come back later when he has real money.”

Server: “I can’t tell him that! You tell him.”

Manager: “Just tell him.”

Server: “No way! This is weird. I’m going in back.”

The manager approaches me and says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t take big bills this time of night.”

Me: “It’s only seven o’clock! Well then, here’s a two dollar bill.”

Manager: “We don’t take those, either.”

Me: “Why not?”

Manager: “I think you know why.”

Me: “No really … tell me why.”

Manager: “Please leave before I call mall security.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Manager: “Please leave before I call mall security.”

Me: “What on earth for?”

Manager: “Please, sir.”

Me: “Uh, go ahead, call them.”

Manager: “Would you please just leave?”

Me: “No.”

Manager: “Fine — have it your way then.”

Me: “Hey, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?”

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: “Yeah, Mike, what’s up?”

Manager (whispering): “This guy is trying to give me some … (pause) funny money.”

Guard: “No kidding! What?”

Manager: “Get this … a two dollar bill.”

Guard (incredulous): “Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?”

Manager: “I don’t know. He’s kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.”

Guard: “Oh, so the fifty’s fake!”

Manager: “No, the two dollar bill is.”

Guard: “Why would he fake a two dollar bill?”

Manager: “I don’t know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?”

Guard: “Yeah.”

Security Guard walks over to me and …

Guard: “Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.”

Me: “Uh, no.”

Guard: “Lemme see ‘em.”

Me: “Why?”

Guard: “Do you want me to get the cops in here?”

At this point I am ready to say, “Sure, please!” but I want to eat, so I say, “I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.”

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I’m taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, “Hey, Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?”

Manager: “It’s fake.”

Guard: “It doesn’t look fake to me.”

Manager: “But it’s a two dollar bill.”

Guard: “Yeah … ?”

Manager: “Well, there’s no such thing, is there?”

The security guard and I both look at him like he’s an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.

If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too!

 

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Three years old

The three-year-old pregnant woman walked, while at the same time to wait for the doctors at the Office with her mother.

He asked inquisitively woman, "why is my stomach so great?"

He replied, "I have a baby."

Big eye he asked, "is the baby's own stomach?"

He replied, "He certainly is."

Then a little boy, puzzled look, asking, "is it good for the baby?"

He said, "Oh, Yes, It is a real good. [4] [5] baby."

Even more surprised and shocked with the appearance he asked, "then why are you eat him?"

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Three Turtles

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 18. January 2011 | There are no comments

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic.

So Joe compresses the picnic basket, Bottled beverages, cookies and sandwiches. Problems is a picnic site is 10 miles away, so that the turtles have a duration of 10 days from the date on which the transition as a whole. They arrive on time, all are exhausted.

Joe take stuff out of the car, one at a time. He takes out of soft drinks and says, "Alright, Steve, gimme bottle opener."
"I didn't bring state-of-the-bottle opener," Steve says. "I thought it will be packed."
Jamie's concern appears. He turns to Raymond. "Raymond, do you have a bottle opener?" Naturally, Raymond is not, so the Turtles are stuck without a 10-mile soda at home.

Joe & Steve beg to turn back to the home Raymond, and search for it, but Raymond contributions refuses, knowing that they eat everything he gets back to the time.

After approximately two hours for the turtles to manage to convince them to go, kiroilua, Raymond great grand turtles graves, that they do not touch the food. So Raymond lays down the road, slow and steady.

20 days to go, but not Raymond. Joe and Steve are puzzled, but gutom and promise is a promise.

Another day passes and yet not Raymond, but the promise is a promise. After three days pass, Raymond in sight, the Internet, without

Steve starts by getting restless. "The need for food!" he says, his voice dementia tip. "NO!" Joe retorts. "We Promised We Would Answer".

Five days to go. Joe is likely to be out of the switch realizes Raymond diner down the road, so the two turtles barely lift the lid, open and get a sandwich to eat.

But then on the right that the instant you receive off one Raymond rock behind and says, "it knew!, I am fucking goes now!"

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Secret to Success?

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, “How has everything been going with you?”

“Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I’m as rich as Bill Gates.”

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, “Chapter Eleven.”

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Important Q and A’s

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 4, 2011 | No Comments

Kids Answers to those important questions

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. –Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they Grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. –Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. –Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get married. –Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. –Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids. –Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. –Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. –Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. –Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich. –Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. –Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. –Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out. –Theodore, age 8

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. –Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? –Kelvin, age 8

“And the #1 Favorite is……..” HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. –Ricky, age 10

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Wisdom of Love

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 30, 2011 | No Comments

If you love somebody,
Set her free…
If she comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, she never was….

Pessimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free …
Don’t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t comes back within some time forget her.

Patient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait until she comes back …

Playful: If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, and repeat

C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free…
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:
If you love somebody,
Set her free…
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that…

Bill Gates :
If you love somebody,
Set her free…
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free…
She’ll evolve.

Statistician:
If you love somebody,
Set her free…
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn’t, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger’s Fan:
If you love somebody,
Set her free…
SHE’LL BE BACK!

Over Possessive:
If you love somebody don’t set her free.

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

The Chairman of the jokes, the bride of your father

I Congratulate! You are the father of the bride! Whether you are watching the joy or trepidation, Chairman of the great day of the wedding, is one of the most important moments of the evening, and something that your daughter will remember her life from the other.

Fortunately, this task does not have to be difficult! The father of the bride jokes is a common occurence of speeches during the brides father and often with a lot of cornier jokes than normal! This is due to various factors, such as the barman work!

Regardless of whether the father of the bride jokes is expected to be tasteful and comfortable and the viewing direction to hurt feelings or the liquidation of anyones pride. This is the father of the bride in the public notice and full genuine sentiment, humor and joy.

The bride's father is found, the jokes, e-books and all over the Internet. Make sure that the tone of your jokes, and agree to the wedding your guests feel.

Take note of your voice and that of the most memorable. Fortunately, the father of the bride speeches and jokes, the pattern is pretty well established by tradition.

* First, you should be able to say a few opening lines. Some of their own, "the father of the bride jokes" here means to get peoples attention.

* Bridal Suite, Souvenirs/Gift shop, on the one hand, to thank you for the party and the guests. Tell me that you're grateful for their participation and assistance.

* Make a few comments on this date at the latest at the time of the wedding, and make sure that they are kieltäydyn!

* Next, the most important part of your speech. Submit the matter to the attention of some of the information about how you feel and talk to the bride's father, also his own son-in-law.

* Welcome to the sulhasten family of formally becomes yours.

* Put some comments in the couples plans and some are a little bit of wisdom and advice in conjunction with the future. The father of the bride jokes can be slotted as the case may be, here.

* Make sure the Kohottakaamme or two daughter and son-in-law, and wish them well in their future. In the absence of the mention of relatives and friends fondly.

* Finally, a few close lines, and some of the great father of the bride speech jokes stop. Make sure that the evening to wish everyone a pleasant reception.

If you get a guide to writing in the hands of the ebook or speech, most of the hard work is done for you. Make sure that Personalise it, and is preparing several versions, and the preparation and practical jokes, your father will go down as a bride or a treat!

Visit our website, learn over 20 professionally written to the Awe Inspiring Wedding jokes and speeches now!

(THE CONSTRUCTION WORK. Step-By-Step Guide that takes you through all you need to know to create Your

Travel destinations, the best man's own voice!)

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Psychic Hotline

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, ”You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog says, ”This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”

”No,” says the psychic. ”Next semester in her biology class.”

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Chapter 19

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 18, 2010 | No Comments

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.

Mom said, ‘Sure, sweetie. I’ll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?’

‘Uh, oh yeah, OK,’ responded the kid.

So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

When she gets back, Dad asked, ‘Well how much did you give the boy this time?

Mom said, ‘Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000'

‘That’s $1020!!!’ yelled Dad, ‘Are you crazy???’

‘Don’t worry hon,’ Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, ‘I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!’

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Walking on Water

All of his life Roger from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they’d walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Roger’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Roger stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Roger went to see his grandmother. “Grandma, it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked into Roger’s eyes and said, “Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July.”

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

VIP-Lounge

Posted on Day joke | 4. January 2011 | No Comments

I was a VIP Lounge last week en route to Seattle. Although the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates Chesterfield is sitting in front of a temporary cognac.

I had a meeting with a very important customer, who also was with me below, Seattle, but he was running a little late. Is the guy ahead of type I approached Mr. Gates and introduce yourself. I explained to him that I had to perform some very important business-and how much I appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello, Chris" is for me while I was in my relationship with the client.

He decided to leave the minimum bid rate.

Ten minutes later the time I was in place with my client, I felt my shoulder tap.

It was Bill Gates. I removed and he is from the source table.

He said "Hi Chris, what does this mean?"

-Which I replied "F * ck off the Gates, I am meeting."

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Women Tell the Dirtiest Jokes [VHS]

Dave Lister's prayers have been answered. The ultra-annoying hologram, Rimmer, has left to become a universe-hopping hero, and a rift in space-time has brought his ex-girlfriend, Kristine Kochanski, back to life. But there's trouble in paradise, as Kryten the mechanoid freaks out at the prospect of losing Lister's affections to a woman, Kochanski freaks out about being trapped in space with three losers who have the collective social I.Q. of celery, and Lister is shocked to find himself actually missing Rimmer.

Anyone who shares this last sentiment will get a fix in episode 5, "Blue," which features a carnival ride through a virtual-reality version of Rimmer's perversely skewed diary. But the real treat of this collection is in episode 6, "Beyond a Joke," when the berserk Kryten rampages through "Pride and Prejudiceland," foiling Kochanski's efforts to inject some culture into life aboard ship. Chloë Annett does a commendable job of fitting Kochanski in among the misfits of Red Dwarf, and shoulders the job of straight man with admirable aplomb. --Anna Peekstok

Price: $14.98

Click here to buy from Amazon

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Why Do Doctors Make Jokes When They're About to Do Something Unpleasant?

It's not uncommon for doctors to make jokes when they're about to do something unpleasant.

But why? Is it done out of cruelty or lack of caring? Could there be a humane reason behind what appears to be a misguided attempt at humor?

As a family physician, when someone asks me whether a procedure is going to hurt, I usually answer, "I won't feel a thing." But that's not true. It always hurts me, at least a little. Occasionally it brings tears to my eyes.

Doctors don't like to cause pain. "First do no harm" is taught from day one of medical school. Just as parents don't like to hurt their children, physicians don't like to cause discomfort, even when it's in the best interest of the patient. Humor is a way physicians counter their own unwillingness to harm another person. It's a method for doctors to reassure themselves that they are doing what is right.

But more importantly, humor helps put patients at ease. Patients who are nervous tend to experience more pain. Often the fear of pain, or fear of the unknown, causes more distress than the actual procedure. If a doctor can dispel fear, the discomfort will be much easier to manage. Humor helps people relax, but it also distracts them from what's about to happen. The human brain can only focus on so much at a time. If the brain is involved in laughing, it's less focused on worry or pain.

Humor is also a way of gauging a patient's attitude toward their problem. Some patients can laugh over a heart attack or mastectomy. Others consider a minor blemish a serious threat to their self-image. Physicians can use a joke as a measure of a patient's ego and stability. People who cannot see a lighter side to their situation often require more reassurance than a person who can laugh at themselves.

Sometimes doctors use humor as a way of getting to know their patients better. (What would you have them talk about anyway? How sharp the knife is? How deep the needle will plunge?) Just as humor creates a bond between friends, it can strengthen a doctor-patient relationship.

A mistake common to doctors and patients alike is taking medicine too seriously. True, some problems are life-threatening, but most physician encounters are not. Many problems physicians see would heal on their own if given sufficient time. Sharing a smile may speed your healing more quickly than an antibiotic.

Laughter is the best medicine, according to the good book. Physicians need jokes, too. Bring a good one to your next office visit and see if you don't brighten your doctor's day.

Copyright 2010 Cynthia J. Koelker, M.D.

Cynthia J. Koelker MD is a family physician of over twenty years, and holds degrees from MIT, Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the University of Akron. She is the author of "101 Ways to Save Money on Healthcare."

For free tips on how to save money on health care read Dr. Koelker's blog at: http://101waystosavemoneyonhealthcare.blogspot.com/

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

When someone Jokes about you

Is not a hard and fast rule to handle the situation where one of the jokes about you. However, there are some tricks that works really well in this situation. These tips are:

Ignorance is the first thing to do when someone jokes about you. People make fun of you, you can usually, because they want to get attention or they want to feel embarrassed. In this scenario, if you are able to respond to the joke, proves to be the worst. Take the normal comment a joke and do not feel hurt. Defend yourself and keep the better the person does not go ahead.

You can also respond to the fun, you can make a joking back to the person. This sets the joking, you become the location of the person.

However, you have to be difficult. A joke in a reasonable and style, the second person to give a more joke. This will teach him a lesson and make him understand that he has been a fool, instead of you.

Receive a joke and not defensive reaction. This shows how confident you are, and how happy you are there for you when you decide to take a joke, but the actual damage has no effect.

For suppose if you will be asked some one that does not go out much, you can simply respond by saying, Yes, in fact, this is the entire year, which have become, outing for the first time. This will prove to be the person that you are very sure you can do.

Looking for more than a joke is also a way to understand a joke. Sometimes people get hurt or were in the Word and make a joke about you. If you feel something like this has happened to another person, he may ask, he really has a problem.

Learn the skills, reading jokes. This shows the positive attitude and you can avoid getting offended other teasing.

Plans4Boats evaluation of and the method in the evaluation of the Lottery will take you to a new level.

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Baby Power

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 18, 2011 | No Comments

Hello, my name is Quinn, and I’m nine months old. This is powerful advice for all you babies out there. Parents, please leave now, or you will be punished. Okay, now that the minions are gone, let’s get down to business.

Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your family’s power structure? I’m here to tell you that all this can be a thing of the past. By following my ten simple rules, you’ll be wearing the diaper and the pants in the family in no time!

Rule #1

You have absolute power.

Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe. Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have unlimited power over them.

Rule #2

Cry.

Tears are your biggest asset in your arsenal against your parents. If you don’t like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen seconds.

Rule #3

Be cute.

This is your number one defense mechanism. You’re going to pull a lot of crap most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you’ve just broken half the stuff in the house.

Rule #4

Keep them weak.

I don’t care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong parent, and that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more malleable to your intricate plans of global domination.

Rule #5

Pee on them.

Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream of glory. This shows them who’s boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can, aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent’s clothes. This works well for those situations where they’ve put you in an embarrassing outfit, or they’re in a hurry to get somewhere

Rule #6

Make them carry you.

Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and there’s two of them. They can carry you forever.

Rule #7

Smack them around a little.

Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against the smile and laugh combination.

Rule #8

Women and grandparents love babies.

Capturing this key demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate this segment of the population. Gramps will even let you watch the Spice channel if nobody else is around!

Rule #9

Siblings exist for your amusement.

Your brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy antics, but the moment they get out of line with that “the baby gets all the attention” crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though. Make sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry, so your parent is alerted to your mortal danger.

Rule #10

No private time.

This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least, private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new baby replacing you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all costs!

That’s it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and fruitful reign as ruler of your household.

You have the power!

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Balls Has Turned Blue

“I think I have a problem, Doc,” says a patient. “One of my balls has turned blue.”

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn’t have his testicle removed.

“Are you crazy?!” bursts the patient. “How could I let you do such a thing to me!”

“You want to die?” asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. “Doc, I don’t know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too.”

Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very resistant to the idea.

“Hey, you want to die?” asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.

After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, “I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue.”

After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.

“You want to die?” asks the doctor.

“But…how do I pee?”

“We’ll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem.”

So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor’s office again.

He is very angry.

“Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!”

“What?”

“Can you tell me what the hell is happening??”

The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,

“Hmmm, I don’t know. Could it be the jeans?”

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Never Sick

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn’t take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. “What’s that?” she demanded.

“If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma,” said one of the interns, “just press that button.”

“What does it do, ring a bell?” she asked.

“No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty,” the intern replied.

“A light in the hall?” responded Grandma. “Look, I’m the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself.”

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Car Break Down

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 9, 2011 | No Comments

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

CASUAL FRIDAYS

Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, the Committee On Committee’s has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards” has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Ten years ago

Posted a day in the life of a joke | March 2, 2011 | 1 comment

85 years old, having been married, the couple almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They would have been good mainly for the benefit of his health, the food and exercise for 10 years. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their kaksikerroksisista, which was the Mansionin with beautiful kitchen and bathroom suite and a Jacuzzi.

"Oohed and aahed" asked the old man Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It is a free," Peter replied, "this is heaven."

They went back to the study of the Championship Golf course, which is backed up, the home Member State the following. Should the rights of the everyday and the Golf course during the week of each representing a large golf courses have changed over the surface of the Earth into a new.

The old man said: "what does green fee payments?"

St. Petersburg's reply, "this is Heaven, you can play for free."

Next went to the Club House and saw a lavish buffet cuisine in the world.

"How much you eat?" asked the old man.

"Do not understand yet? This is a heaven, it's free! " Peter replied with some exasperation.

"No, where are the low fat and low cholesterol-tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter taught, "that is, you can eat as much as you like, regardless of you in the best part … and fat will never be, and you never get sick. This is heaven. "

The old man went with the anger, the fit to throw down his hat and the wild and wildly shrieking.

Peter and his wife both tried to appease him, asking him, what is wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "this is all the fault. If it is not for you, and damn bran muffins, unable to be here 10 years ago! "

View the original article here

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Thanksgiving Day

"The year's Thanksgiving, my mother went to a traditional feast in the House with my sister. Know how my mother, my sister is a Bot, decided to play the trick. He told my sister that he needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mother took ran out of the oven, filling, stuffed Turkey removes the Cornish Hen and added to the Turkish and re-stuffed Turkey. Then he may bird (s) back into the furnace.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled out of the oven and remove the Turkey stuffing proceeded. When his hit something, serving spoon he in and out of the little bird.

See total sähköiskuvaaran his face, with my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked pregnant bird!" Horrifying News reality is my sister began to cry.

It took two hours to convince him or her family, turkeys to lay down the eggs!

Yep … … … … … .. SHE a BLONDE! "

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

Horror Blood - Gory Fake Blood That Looks Real!

Horror Blood. Each card comes with a tube of fake stage blood. Looks very real! Each tube is about 1 ounce. These sell as well as our blood capsules, but you get a lot more in each tube.

Price:

Click here to buy from Amazon

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.

The joke tells you easy

Even at an early age I wanted is a comedian. I tried to tell a joke books of jokes, but I would be very successful. So I studied the local Comedy Club comedians. Finally I got it to hang.

The first thing to do is make sure that you know the joke of a cold. Read it over several times. There is nothing worse than someone who begins with a joke, then forget the Punch-line.

The next step is to make the sound of a joke. Instead of saying, "the guy goes to the bar," or "I was a friend of mine, Harry, another day, and we went into this Inn Bleeker Street. Harry ordered the beer ... etc. "

It is important, when you tell a joke relax. This is often easier said than done. Take a few deep breaths before you are going to tell a joke. In addition, visualize the audience laughing hysterically. That often helps.

Engage your audience by making eye contact, whether they are one person or a crowd. When is the time to make a Punch-line, make sure that you can use the "Punch until." Because I mean, that is to say, the power and confidence. Hand gestures are also help.

The first few times you can run a joke, you may be able to mess due to nerves. Be prepared for it. I recommend having a screen saver or two. Säästäjien are the expressions that can be used to get a laugh at the joke itself, even if not to get anything. For example, you might be able to say, "my wife told me that the joke never work. Should listen to him more often. " If you want a kid someone in there, you may be able to say, "that is a joke for the last time buy Angela."

Tells the joke after two or three times, you know how to make it the biggest Laughter. Have fun!

This post was made using the Auto Blogging Software from WebMagnates.org This line will not appear when posts are made after activating the software to full version.