Information about young children the truths of Life, learned

1. no matter how hard I try to not to baptize cats.

2. when the Mother of the mad is the father of her, do not grant the hair brush.

3. when the Sun hits a sister, do not strike back. Always stick to another person.

4. Never be prompted to save the tomato 3-year-old brother.

5. You may not be able to watch your food to dogs.

6. Read what people write to teach much., desks

7. don't Sneeze when someone is on the cutting of the hair.

8. the puppies still breathing after eating a breath mint.

9. does not like the vacuum and the cat at the same time.

10. the School Lunch packages attached to the wall.

11. you can't hide a piece of broccoli on the glass of milk.

12. don't wear polka dot shorts white with lingerie – regardless of how cute underwear is.

Truths About Life, Learned by Young Children

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 21, 2011 | No Comments

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask your 3 year-old brother to hold a tomato.

5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

7. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

8. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a breath mint.

9. Never hold a vacuum and a cat at the same time.

10. School lunches stick to the wall.

11. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

12. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts – no matter how cute the underwear is.

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Start Family Traditions When Your Children Are Young

Family traditions are the glue that unites a family, and these special moments help mold and shape your children. Among the many traditions our family enjoys, our favorite by far takes place on Thanksgiving. Now that my children are young adults, I can witness the effect this tradition has on them.

Each Thanksgiving morning, another family joins us at a house at the beach, to assemble 40 Thanksgiving meals. Each meal includes turkey with gravy, stuffing, mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables, and cranberry sauce, filled into a carry-out container. We then add a roll, cookie, plastic silverware and a juice box, to make the meals complete.

Each person oversees a segment of the meal, whether it's cooking, scooping, or assembling. I cook the turkeys the day before, so the whole process takes just a couple of hours. We then load the meals into boxes, get in the car, and drive to the Atlantic City boardwalk. It doesn't take long to find people in need of food, more this year than ever before.

Practically every person we offer a meal to is incredibly appreciative. There is no greater feeling than feeding someone who is hungry, and the smiles on my children's faces offer proof of that all day. As we seek out the people who would benefit from our meals, our family bonds. We tell jokes, actually referring to the day as "Bad Joke Holiday." We enjoy the ocean breeze and brisk wind that often accompanies the November day and reflect on how thankful we are to be able to share with others.

This year we gave our meals out in record time. Sadly, there are too many hungry people. Yet, being able to help just a few is very meaningful to us all. It doesn't matter what your traditions are, but repeating them year after year for your children is priceless.

A bit about myself: I produced the Romper Room and Friends TV show and Bowling for Dollars when I worked for Claster Television in the '80's and '90's. With three kids of my own, I stopped working there in 1996. Today I am a freelance writer and preschool teacher and I am in the process of publishing my first book about preschool advice for parents. Please check out my blog at http://www.preschoolteach.blogspot.com

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW.....

Cup of Tea.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 ½ years old.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach water is the toilet?

Smart Answers

6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the Qantas departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a Woolworth's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the policeman said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

2nd Place
A semi-trailer driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car came up..
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008
A teacher at a College reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

Leaving home

Dear Mum Letter.....

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.


Love, your son, Nicholas.


“P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk”


I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Little Johnny

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

Stuttering

The teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she said.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'


'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.



'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff," but before she could say 'F*ck Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

Cheltenham races

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went
on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred
horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the
girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the
flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in
year four."

"No, Madam," he replied, "I'm riding Cupid's Arrow in the 2.15."

Little Zachary

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to
imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centres.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In
the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home
with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was
hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a
word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on
the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation,
His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in
math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and
said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and
shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the
discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling
around.'

Lifesavers

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers (Polo fruits in my day!)

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red...................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Orange................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat out her lifesaver and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're arse-holes.'

Little Johnny’s Playing Partner

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what’s going on. “Playing cards,” she replies. “Who’s your partner?” asked little johnny. “Your father!”

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister’s room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. “Playing cards.” “With who?” he asks. ”My boyfriend!” she says.

A short while later, Little Johnny’s father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny’s room. He knocks on the door and asks ”What are you doing?” “Playing cards!” replied Johnny. ”Who’s your partner?” asked his father…
Little Johnny answers promptly, “With a hand like this who needs a partner?”

Boobs and Willys

In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.



'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'


This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.


'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

You will find out interesting things when you have sons

1.A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200m2 house to a depth of 10 cm.

2.If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.

5.You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.

6.The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies,

10.Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11.Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.

15. VCR's do not eject 'BLT' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Brisbane, Qld, has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid. (yep)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands)

Children

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a
seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed
by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the
jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk
to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy
watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you
ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking
up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered
and continued writing the report.. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should
ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you
please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in
front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,
Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a
dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and
then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old
age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found
her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you
shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next
morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready
for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers
and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn,
and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I
can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What
he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I
think it's Adam's underwear!'

A little boy

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

My daddy is a solicitor

While two families were waiting in line to see the Brighton Pavilion, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a solicitor."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

Always Check Homework

This homework was done by little Jenny.


After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration.

It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint.

I work at Budgens and had recently commented to my daughter how much money we made during the recent snowstorm.

This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington.

First Aid

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way unhurriedly, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boys testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then even more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"





.....










"No" the woman replied ...... "I'm with the Inland Revenue."