HEAR about the man that collected five thousand door knockers?

He won a nobel prize.

HOW do you get a fat person into bed?

A piece of cake.

HOW did the beaver get online?

He logged on!

WHAT wobbles and flies?

A Jelly-copter.

WHAT do you do if your toe falls off?

Call a TOW truck for help!

WHAT do you call a nun that sleepwalks?

A roaming Catholic.

WHAT'S orange and fizzy and comes down the chimney at Christmas?

Fanta Claus!

I had a crash with an ice-cream van last night.

I wasn’t hurt, just had a bit of Mr Whippy lash.

HOW do you know you're living in a redneck town?

You get married for the third time and have the same in-laws

WHO'S the coolest person at a hospital?

The Ultra Sound Guy!

WHAT do you get when you put a fish and an elephant together?

Swimming trunks.

HOW do you keep your husband from reading your emails?

Rename the folder 'Instruction Manuals'.

WHAT do you call a girl with eggs and bacon in her hair?

Cathy.

WHAT do you call a man that plays with leaves?

Rustle!

DID you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

He's fully recovered.

WHAT do you give a man who has everything?

Antibiotics.

WHAT did the Policeman say to the stomach?

You're under a vest.

WHAT happened to the blonde tap dancer?

She fell in the sink.

WHAT did the one strand of hair say to the other strand of hair when asked if he could borrow his shampoo?

Yes, but only on one conditioner.

Cat

WHAT do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A sour puss!