The Storm

They were together in the House.

Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly

And

Each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and

Wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.




Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed...

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.

He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.

He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm Raged on...

They knew it was wrong...

Their families would never understand.... So consumed were they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors...

Just the faint click of a camera......

More rubbish

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except the one where you're naked in the supermarket

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Welcome to Caernarfon Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

Gwynedd:
Fifteen thousand people,
Fifteen last names.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion, that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Survey

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.


And Finally........................... In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

It's Tough Getting Old

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him.



"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"

A blonde

A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.
She hears: “Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."

Three contractors

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

illegal immigrants

ATTENTION: ALL Zimbabwe/Mozambique BORDER PATROL AGENTS...
Be on the lookout for a 1951 Chevy, red with white top - thought to be transporting illegal immigrants!

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson’s Death…

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.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
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. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
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Deep stuff, eh?
I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . .... ....”

Inner peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with you r troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tens ion without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

The Priest

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about all the cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,

'Has anybody got a cock?'

All the men stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'

Half the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen MY cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

The pub

A chap walks into a pub and sits down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,he heard a sexy voice say, "Nice shoes!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful tie." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey,I must be losing my mind," he said. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's no one in here but us." "It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."

Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The French Paintings

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two streets away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'


I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

I sent it to you because I thought I had nothing Toulouse.

First Aid

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way unhurriedly, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boys testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then even more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"





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"No" the woman replied ...... "I'm with the Inland Revenue."

Field trip to the Farm

Little Mohammed

Mohammed entered his classroom.

"What is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammed".... answered the kid.

"We are here in Australia and there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."

"Ahh, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.
Then she called his father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?"

"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two f****n’ Arabs!..."

3 Old Guys

'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man. 'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.'

'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'

'Actually,' said the 80-year -old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'

'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.

'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.'

'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'

'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'

'I don't wake up until 7:00.'

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress.

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'

The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr … gurrr … king'

Strange people

Lessons in logic..

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
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I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
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Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect..... .
so why practice?
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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
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Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.
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One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
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Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
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The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
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Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
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Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
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'Your future depends on your dreams'
So go to sleep
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There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning
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'Hard work never killed anybody'
But why take the risk
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'Work fascinates me'
I can look at it for hours
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God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
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The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
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A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

The Shopper

A woman was in Brighton on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU at the Sussex County. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible. When she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital. Anyhow, she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!" The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried. The lady doctor then laughed and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.

Lawyer With a Heart

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. 'You'll really love my place.

'The grass is almost a foot high'

Sunday Paper

For all of you who are seniors - for all of you who know seniors - and for all of you who will be seniors.
It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

And, speaking of senior moments:

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,

"Well f*ck me dead ... that's why no one was at church today".