The Irish

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said:

'Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future?'

'Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because,' said Mick 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday'

Paddy replied 'Silly buggers ! - the laughs on them. I wasn't home yesterday".

Table for Sale

Don't cheat!
How can you tell this table is being sold by a man?

This table was for sale on eBay.
First look and guess.
You will find the answer below, but don't cheat!
Know the answer? If not, scroll down now.....






















OK,
Look in the mirror. Remember, if you are posting a picture on the internet, WEAR CLOTHES when taking the picture.

What do retired people do all day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.


We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'


He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi B*std .


He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a sh*t-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.





Personally, we didn't care. We came into town with our free bus passes.

Flab

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her
on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your
control-top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts
and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his
"Willie."

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we
could get rid of the gardener, the postman, and your brother."!

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.

Sponsor an Exectutive

Quote of the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh* t.'

The Lonely Brain Cell

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.


She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.


"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"


Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.............

"We're Down Here"

Talking Clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock', the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup', replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch', the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's one-fifteen in the morning!'

A Senior Moment

A very self-important high school student attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, bsp; light-speed processing .and,' pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little prick, what are you doing for the next generation?'
The applause was resounding...

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

I've learnt

DOGS

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs.

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic her car died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?

Nutrition

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION


After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like and sod the diet. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!!!

Communications

Two Irish soldiers are out on manoeuvres when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other soldier whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency
services.

He gasps to the operator: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The soldier's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

The Tax Man

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
Good question, noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the "know-it-all" Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick!"

The Tax Man

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice
you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
Good question, noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the
candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about
all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap
him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to
the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of
bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
"know-it-all" Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all
the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete dick!"

Showground

My wife and I went to the Show this year and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.' I looked at her and said, ' Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
*
*
*


My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Essex Girl

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. How many children?" asks the council worker.


"10" replies the Essex girl

"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"



An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress. "she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies. "This time, it's mayonnaise."




Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."




An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Sharon."

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "Romford, mate."




An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "there's hundreds of them!"




Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Sharon: "Ok."

Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"




An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.

She says, "Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"

So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot."
"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them.

Chavs

Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut?
A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
Society.

What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A bus shelter.

What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
Granny.

What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit.

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.

What do you say to a chav in a suit
"Will the defendant please rise"

Why did the chav cross the road?
To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.

What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

If you see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.

What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
What you looking at.

Why are chavs like slinkey's?
Thay have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs

Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
The policeman!

How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox?
Paint 3 stripes on it.

What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
A start.

Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame?
Because a nova has 4 seats.

What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
A liar.

What do you say to a chav with a job?
Bigmac please.

What's the differemce between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A chav girl has a higher sperm count.

Paper

Dust

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

Mid Life Crisis

After being married for 42 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19-year-old chick.
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!