A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?"
The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes."
The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?"
The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?"
The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies,
"A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?"
The poor man astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."
Friday 30 November 2018
Thursday 29 November 2018
The Train Driver
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
Monday 26 November 2018
Einstein
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.
The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.
The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
Saturday 24 November 2018
Monday 19 November 2018
Volunteer
While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man.
It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married.
So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living.
He replied, “I’m a priest.”
It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married.
So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living.
He replied, “I’m a priest.”
Saturday 17 November 2018
Santa
Dear Santa.
This Christmas, please send some clothes for all those poor ladies on Daddy's computer.
Chloe
This Christmas, please send some clothes for all those poor ladies on Daddy's computer.
Chloe
Thursday 15 November 2018
Bedroom
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and sees him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says "Oh no Paddy, what are you doing?"
Paddy says "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and my therapist said I did something sexy to a tractor"
Mick says "Oh no Paddy, what are you doing?"
Paddy says "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and my therapist said I did something sexy to a tractor"
Wednesday 14 November 2018
Christmas
An early warning as Christmas approaches ⚠️
The Police are out in numbers doing breath tests. Last night I’d had a few jars, a few jars led to a couple of Whiskeys! You know how it is 🤣
I did the wise thing left the car & got a bus home. Through the window, I could see the Police were stopping every other car but they waved the Bus through. 😄
I arrived home safely to my amazement. I’d never driven a Bus before.
God knows where I got it from 🤪
The Police are out in numbers doing breath tests. Last night I’d had a few jars, a few jars led to a couple of Whiskeys! You know how it is 🤣
I did the wise thing left the car & got a bus home. Through the window, I could see the Police were stopping every other car but they waved the Bus through. 😄
I arrived home safely to my amazement. I’d never driven a Bus before.
God knows where I got it from 🤪
Old Age
An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID.
"You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old."
The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license.
The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change.
"The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup.
"Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
"You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old."
The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license.
The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change.
"The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup.
"Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
Tuesday 13 November 2018
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it.
Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Thursday 8 November 2018
Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill.
And now there's little Frankie...
Silly Jill forgot her pill.
And now there's little Frankie...
Saturday 3 November 2018
Friday 2 November 2018
Father
Boss: Where were you yesterday, there was no one to cover your shift
Employee: I'm sorry, I was becoming a father yesterday.
Boss: That's great, boy or girl?
Employee: I'll tell you in 6 months
Boss: You're fired
Employee: I'm sorry, I was becoming a father yesterday.
Boss: That's great, boy or girl?
Employee: I'll tell you in 6 months
Boss: You're fired
Thursday 1 November 2018
Christmas Eve
It was Christmas Eve and a woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping.
Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
"What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"
Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
"What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"
Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
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