Funny Motor Insurance Claims

“The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind.”

“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”

“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.”

“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.”

“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”

“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.”

“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.”

“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.”

“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”

“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”

“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”

“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.”

“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”

“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”

“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.”

“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”

“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.”

“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”

“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”

“I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.”

“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”

“I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”

“As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.”

“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.”

“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.”

“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.”

“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”

“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.”

“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.”

“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”

“The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.”

“The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. ”

“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.”

“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.”

“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”

“The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.”

“No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.”

“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.”

“The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.”

“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.”

“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”

“My car got hit by a submarine.”(The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.”

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What do you do when your jokes are not funny?

Are you aware of the strange atmosphere that comes after you've cracked Connecting flat fell to the target audience? Do you have a belief that is simply not fun at all? ",

Even the most confident speakers might falter when it comes to injecting enough humor in their speeches, skill. Not to worry, though, this event aims to provide more tips, I hope will guide you through the process of adding the right dosage to make the story a moment of real humour or punchlines.

As the saying goes, a cliche Laughter is best medicine for today and the people will be drawn up by the honey bees such as humor per, simply because in today's culture is rooted cynicism. Therefore, value-add humor public speaking. This may be the case, while a lot of people find themselves missing specific skills to pull back the punch lines efficiently and easily.

Although humor is generally believed that master the art of the elusive, I think otherwise. How to avoid the humor is considered as a hostage?

The great comic Jim Mendrinos once shared, "can be fun, you got to know, first of all, what makes you laugh as this will give you the obvious clues, making other people laugh." This means that you need to know what humor form works and what not!

In the search for the different users different things fun, and these are common elements in your everyday life that is, everyday conversations, quotations, books, etc. The humor is a widely used in Life!

Humor, ranging from the usual banter technologies, there are many measures. Thus, the Bank's effort to build the humor! It is a great starting monitoring yourself and others. The side note window from the comical instances occurring-must be noteworthy ones on a daily basis! You know you will never, in these cases, be useful as their own speeches of ammunition.

Your voice is to get to know the audience for the journal! Such as the Advanced public speaking Institute, Scott Friedman suggests, "what makes you feel better in General, you should play them more opportunities." To understand the dynamics of public opinion, which, this makes it easier for you to through the language and tone of your voice, as well as related to the framework. As mentioned above, the search for the different users different things funny. So the audience should allow to serve their own sense of humor, a group of correctly-the possibilities are Knock Knock jokes are not likely to primary school children and adults, as compared to the work!

Also, make sure that you are going to be the voice and the reader can take advantage of the intention to listen to know. These days the precious commodity is time and implanting suggestive and timely yet relevant to the humor, it is very effective way to make your voice more memorable and drone without examples. Strengthen and make room for this purpose, around the mind, which operates as the target audience, stories, or Punch lines.

To avoid the potholes are also, as does step and they! The following are some of the "Et" s, "" publication from the Rostrum for tips on public speaking and meeting procedures, Vol. 1 "in the Custom collection:

1. do not use recycled jokes and stories, public speaking faux. So you probably have experienced this in the talk itself, before the hearing, while listening to the familiar stories of numerous times before is bound to set in place of the groans laugh.

2. don't laugh at my jokes while reciting it-increased self-control is important! The punch line in the Park, the best way is always a straight face. This catches off guard by the public and to enhance the humorous effect.

3. don't let the audience too little time for you to enjoy the punch-line offers Let them digest and laugh before you move in! This allows later catches the stories after the audience.

4. never explain jokes or Punch lines! If the audience to get the joke, the move. Explains the joke will not help matters, particularly funny moment is not, and the thrilling. To lighten the mood tense at the start of this, some self-effacing humor in [http://blog.ericfeng.com/heres-how-to-be-funny-even-if-you-are-not], however, can operate, that is.

Why do people laugh at?

To find the key training programs to understand the humor speech, let us take behind the scenes of what makes people laugh. Max Eastman, author of the enjoyment of laughter. submit shall be deemed to be "funny" associated with the humor, the four laws.

The first law is that the only things is fun, when we have "fun". Is, however, continue to point out that we can nuoremmissakin serious below the humor of thoughts or motives, but even in that State, you still may perceive things as fun. This is the "half the fun" mode. The speaker is knowing the audience well enough to help the ice and breaking them is claimed to be "funny".

The second law is that when we are in the "fun", for values of Exchange takes place, so that the pleasant things to remain comfortable, even though the negative things also get positive emotional, in turn, causes the taste and the laughter. This is so long that they are not so disagreeable that they conclude that "the fun". A positive example is the self-effacing humour, which itself is you laugh with something negative, thus inciting Laughter in other form.

The third law is that it is considered to be "funny" is a prerequisite for most natural childhood and that children laugh, play reveals a humorous, its rawest. You might notice that every children, the measures that might be shocking or even worrying, is essential to the "fun", unless the destruction, forced them out of the "fun" (what will supersede the tears) in the atmosphere

Fourth, the law has grown up persons retain this aptitude, that "funny" to varying degrees and enjoy this unpleasant things as amusing to varying degrees. Thus, such as the speaker for the biggest challenge is to reach out to the audience present, even though the crowd during the course of the detractors, with lower degrees are considered to be "funny" in the case.

With all of the currently said to try it! Never know what works for you, unless you can do so. BE fun and their seats in the audience to turn off the rolling!

Eric Feng is the Go-to guy, if you want to learn to impress clients, employers and investors through public speaking (). Eric has successfully helped more than 3,000 people in the sure and compelling speakers. Watch free videos on how to unleash the speaker in you and your audience with charm, simple steps, to go with 8: http://www.TakingTheStageNow.com

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Funny Punny Names

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 22, 2011 | No Comments

Some Like it Sweet: Sugar Kane
Oh What A Relief It Is: Al Kaseltzer
New Mexico Tour Book: Albie Kerky
I Was A Son Of A Buccaneer: Rich Kidd
The Palace Roof has a Hole: Lee King
Lawn Care: Ray King
Exercise on Wheels: Cy Kling
I Hate the Sun: Gladys Knight
Teach Me!: I. Wanda Know
Better Mental Health: Cy Kosis
Breaking the Law: Kermit A. Krime
NHL Hockey: Stanley Kupp
Those Funny Dogs: Joe Kur
I Like Weeding Gardens: Manuel Labour
How to Overcome Stress: R.E. Lachs
Care For A Chop?: Marsha Larts
Fallen Underwear: Lucy Lastic
Military Rule: Marshall Law
Cut the Grass!: Moses Lawn
Manana: Stew Layt
To be Honest: Frank Lee
The Lady Pirate: Peg Legg
Pain in My Body: Otis Leghurts
The Phillipine Post Office: Imelda Letter
Theft Among Arthropods: The Lieutenants
Not a Guitar!: Amanda Lin
Holmes Does It Again: Scott Linyard
Bring to the Grocer’s: R. List
Classic Groceries: Chopin Liszt
The Effects of Alcohol: Sir Osis of Liver
Employment Handbook: Ernie Living
How to Break In: Jimmy De Lock

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Londons Times Funny Music Cartoons - Bee Gees Collectible, I Started A Joke - Greeting Cards-6 Greeting Cards with envelopes

Bee Gees Collectible, I Started A Joke Greeting Card is measuring 5.5w x 5.5h. Greeting Cards are sold in sets of 6 or 12. Give these fun cards to your friends and family as gift cards, thank you notes, invitations or for any other occasion. Greeting Cards are blank inside and come with white envelopes.

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Redneck Lifestyle-more than a joke or a funny picture

Redneck is usually thought white, working class US-southerner. Now, however, can be found in the Rednecks throughout all regions of the country. Up to a certain degree of interest in the culture of the overseas countries. It probably began as a reference to the date of the meeting of the persons working in the fields of the sun burned head. In some parts of the country they are called hillbillies, hicks, the only country bumpkins, or seriously. Rednecks are Americans who are working on your hard disk to support their families. They are always ready for Sunday school teachers, youth leaders, and anything else their night out in the community requires a volunteer to help.

Acts such as Jeff Foxworthy, the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, and Gretchen Wilson brought the culture, the popularity of the recent priority and separated from the sparks new interest has increased, and the popularity of the lifestyle. More and more people are finding that they are related to the simple way of life. Check it out, many of the jokes and funny pictures and Search is more than just a laugh.

Although the culture began to the South are likely to be, you do not need to be a redneck butadiene-styrene thermoplastic rubber originating in the South. It is really a state of mind. They have their own particular perspective and mostly free of care of the details of the back. There is great value in the increase of Outdoor activities such as hunting, fishing and camping equipment and, of course, NASCAR. They own than more than a play-load, even though it is usually a large traction force.

Rednecks protect their home and family, thank God for what they have, also, if it is not a lot of money, work and fun, do it. They know how to deal with the opposite sex, and are generally attracted to partners that operate in the same way.

The term refers to someone with good sense and ability of the building and fixing things. Many tend to accumulate too much spam, much of it stored in the front lawn. But much of the spam has been good to build new things, that although very pretty is a functional purpose, they serve.

In most cases, they love to God, their country and the State and the army's staunch supporters are. Most people believe, not money, caring for more information about relationships and family life. Romance is in the pursuit, as determined on the basis of chief mate on the surface, and is not afraid of faithful hihansa requirement. Many are single parents and their children, mainly focusing on their knowledge.

Redneck stereotypically imagined as you consume Cheap American beer Budweiser as relevant. Typically such past simple friends seriously, kouluttamatonta people, and therefore they are the subject of many jokes.

But what is not used for processing, the term has become a lifestyle that the simpler things, healthy values and the true enjoyment of life, family and friends, espouses. What began as a term to describe the farmers, construction workers, oil drillers, and such which would cause their head throughout the day to get sunburned backs, (the red neck), the Sun has gone through a transformation. True, the jokes still abound, but Laughter is the decent hard working culture Seriously, which, like the rest of us, just try to separate out and find a living chance through the journey of life.

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16 Funny, Clean Jokes - Take 2 and Go to Work

Do you find yourself whistling and humming at work not to the tune of Happy Days are Here Again but to Take This Job and Shove It! Then read all 16 of these jokes, take 2 a day and tell them to your boss, co-workers or anyone who will listen. Soon you'll lighten your load and find yourself singing Zippity Doo Dah.

1. I remember when my attitude was "Look all you want, just don't touch." Fast-forward 20 years, and now I'm like, "Touch all you want, just don't look!"

2. Work, the ultimate self-esteem-sucking machine.

3. I work for a good cause: 'cause I need the money.

4. My marriage vows should have included the phrase, "Till debt do us part."

5. I want my husband to take me in his arms and whisper those three little words that all women long to hear: "You were right."

6. It's true that gray hair makes you look distinguished. It distinguishes you from the younger-looking people.

7. My boss tried to give me advice, he said I look frumpy and that I dressed better ten years ago. I don't know why he said that... I wear the same clothes.

8. You know you're getting old when you bend down to pick up something and think, 'What else can I get while I'm down here.'

9. I used our company Employee Health Referral program. The psychologist asked me, 'Is it difficult to please your boss?' I replied, "I don't know, I never tried."

10. I worked at a 'I'll scratch your back, you stab mine' kind of place.

11. My boss has different colored eyes...two of them are green

12. Hell...where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't

13. Love is blind, that's why we feel around so much

14. Top of the morn' to ye...rest o' the day to me-self!

15. Our office fridge doesn't have a crisper...it's more like a rotter.

16. I work too much. I never have time to date. I'm beginning to think that my headstone will read... 'Here lies Kelly, still sleeping alone.'

Kelly Smith is a Corporate Recruiter Consultant. Kelly works alongside human resources and hiring managers to source, screen, review resumes, interview, negotiate and extend offers to thousands of candidates throughout her more than 15 years in staffing. Visit Kelly's web site at http://KellyStaffingExpert.com see her blog, view jobs, and visit her store to buy her book, The Recruiter's Hiring Secrets. Also, in the store link you can send Kelly your resume for her to review and to make recommendations from her corporate recruiter perspective. Happy Job Hunting!

12 Funny Jokes to Tell at Your Next Party

There's an old saying: That which doesn't kill us... is an open target to making a joke out of it! If you have ever been married, divorced, single, dated or interacted with other people on this earth you might laugh at the following jokes:

1. Have a Happy Birthday but don't celebrate with a glass of wine; I hear the wine-stompers in Italy are having a sit-in.

2. I hate it when my boobs itch, it's like trying to scratch jello.

3. They are coming up with a new Viagra-like drug for women, it's called, Ho-Zak.

4. I knew our marriage was over when we saw a counselor and he asked me if it was difficult to please my husband. I thought for a moment and replied, "I don't know, I've never tried."

5. I should have known our marriage wasn't going to last by the way my then husband-to-be proposed to me. He got down on bended knee, took my hand, looked me in the eye and said, "I'd like you to take my last name...and add it to your checking account."

6. How come when you meet the right person you know immediately but when you meet the wrong person it takes ten years of marriage to find out?

7. My fanatical religious neighbors had twins. As expected they gave the children Biblical names but who expected the names to be First and Second Thessalonians.

8. For the 10th wedding anniversary the traditional gift is Tin. On our 10th anniversary I should have been presented with gold bars!

9. My ex finally saw a doctor after we divorced. They discovered that he had multiple personalities...one was a thief, one was a liar, one was mean and one was a lazy son of a gun!

10. I asked the Lord: 'Lord, what's a million dollars to you?' The Lord replied, " A Penny." I asked, 'Lord, what is a million dollars to you?' The Lord replied, "A second." I asked, 'Can I have a penny?' The Lord answered, "Just a second."

11. In the book of Deuteronomy, Moses gave three long sermons and then died. Three long sermons can kill anyone.

12. I need to start dating older men. My last date came running to my car... wearing tennis shoes... that lit up.

Kelly Smith is a Corporate Recruiter Consultant. Kelly works alongside human resources and hiring managers to source, screen, review resumes, interview, negotiate and extend offers to thousands of candidates throughout her more than 15 years in staffing. Visit Kelly's web site at http://KellyStaffingExpert.com see her blog, view jobs, and visit her store to buy her book, The Recruiter's Hiring Secrets. Also, in the store link you can send Kelly your resume for her to review and to make recommendations from her corporate recruiter perspective. Happy Job Hunting!

Humor And Funny One Line Jokes

Having been immersed in humorous prose of all kinds and funny one line jokes for so many years, I am now fairly certain that I can recognize humor when I see it without it having to leap up and bite me on the thigh, but I would not claim to know much more about it than that, except for the following brief points.

First of all, I would like to give a working definition of English humor: an odd, embarrassing or funny incident experienced or observed, and described later in a plain manner, which might or might not call for laughter. The English sense of humor is an agreeable mixture of a sense of fun and a sense of proportion, which is not at all the same thing as a taste for buffoonery. Perhaps a small axiom could be proposed: beware of people who only laugh at funny one line jokes.

A joke has a measurable potential of laughter; there are snigger-sized jokes, guffaw-sized jokes, and hearty laughter-sized jokes. Humor has no such limitations for example, might only give the reader quiet pleasure and on the other hand if it catches the reader off guard and in the right mood, its effect can be violent and prolonged, inducing, in my case, uncontrollable surges of laughter, hiccups, and a curious snoring noise in trying to regain breath.

Humor does not put a value on itself by announcing that it is going to make you laugh. To tell someone to stop being funny or hilarious is to dictate to them what their sense of humor should be, and a sense of humor is a most personal possession that should not to be tampered with. Any attempt to alter personal comedy results whether they are only funny one line jokes.. is wanting the owner to end the piece asap and is recommended less than hilarious and rather disappointing.

It took some twelve years to assemble a representative selection of five hundred years of humorous prose. What emerged from the vast amount of material collected was that pure English humor, besides being itself, also functioned over the centuries like good stock in cookery, enriching other kinds of comedy and giving them added flavor. Wit with humor proved to be more appreciated than wit being clever all by itself, satire expressed through humor, was found to be more widely effective, jokes built on humorous observation had a deeper appeal.

Comedy does not work in a vacuum either, its audience has to be in the right mood of expectancy and confidence, a mood which a comedian must create with his opening remarks. In literature, a humorous writer has to set the receptive mood he wants his reader to be in with his opening paragraphs so the quoted humorous pieces and funny one line jokes, are set within a commentary which introduces them by describing how the extracts came to be written, or why, with perhaps facts or anecdotes or gossip about the author, or what was going on at the time, the aim being to bring the reader up to the beginning of each piece in a good frame of mind to appreciate it.

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Funny One Line Jokes And Stand-Up Comedy Acts

Jokes are the most widespread form of buffoonery, probably because a joke is self-contained and the easiest device with which to trigger off laughter. Funny one line jokes are great and a bout of helpless laughter is highly prized in the modern world, it's today's equivalent of a swig of booze, not curing pain and worry but obscuring the symptoms for a few brief moments. Funny one line jokes are the nearest thing in life to complete escapism next to the climax of making love.

Funny one line jokes are how, the most social and professional comedians ventilate different anxieties and confirm our racial and other prejudices, it has been said, for every joke there is a sufferer. Laughing at our worries reduces their threat to us. And laughing at silly people who are not as bright or rich as we are makes us feel warm and secure. So the effect of buffoonery and funny one line jokes is opposite to that of classical comedy. In classical comedy, the aim of laughter is to benefit the person laughed at. With funny one line jokes, the laugh measures the laughter.

In between wit, buffoonery and funny one line jokes, lies the third and as far as comedy is concerned, the most interesting subdivision of comedy humor. If wit belongs mainly to the Well educated classes and buffoonery to the lower classes, humor and funny one line jokes is middle class. In medieval times a 'humor' was any of the four cardinal fluids - blood, phlegm, choler, and melancholy, or black bile which coursed round the body and according to their relative, determined a person's mental and physical state.

When one of the fluids is predominated, then a person's character was dominated by that particular 'humor'. He would become either over passionate (too much blood), dull and droopy (overdose of phlegm), quick-tempered and irascible (choler flowing too strongly), or gloomy and dejected (a touch too much of the melancholy, or black bile). Such a man was said to be in a 'humor'. Or, if he carried on behaving peculiarly, to be a 'humorist'.

Helped by the efforts of some industry greats, humor and funny one line jokes in its new meaning took root and became favored light reading amongst Augustan Age Literate Citizens, who were mostly from the rapidly expanding middle-classes. Humor, mostly due to funny one line jokes, long before it had a name, was not the invention of Greek playwrights or patrician Roman poets but of ordinary people and is the oldest of the three divisions of comedy, probably dating back to when the cave man first stood upright in the cave and knocked himself senseless, and the others laughed and told all the others about it. Then came along the funny one line jokes.

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Jokes - Do I Have To Be Funny To Tell Funny Jokes?

Jokes jokes and more jokes means more laughs laughs laughs. Laughter is a sure sign of jolliness, happiness and enjoyment, so if telling jokes can create emotions and atmospheres as such then why is the whole world not telling more funny jokes at every opportunity

Even in the most miserable of mundane surroundings you can bet a bottom dollar if good jokes or gags are cracked then the atmosphere changes from gloomy into a jolly ambiance.

If you are in charge of an entertainment plan for a wedding, birthday party or anniversary, then, for the celebration to be a success you will need a good script of funny jokes. Jokes are funnier if actions are applied. Remember, actions speak louder than words. If it is your choice to take the part of a stand up comedienne, then so be it. If you are afraid of making a fool of yourself on stage, then better still because the more you act the goat the laughter gets louder when the punch line is delivered.

To keep the air filled with laughter keep the jokes rolling. When telling jokes. clean or dirty, you have to bear in mind that not everyone shares the same sense of humour, meaning, seeing the funny side of things, so therefore do a little research on what you feel is appropriate for your guests. Clean jokes are just as funny as dirty jokes. People can also be easily offended and embarrassed at joke material - so this is why it is important to check out your audience first. Racist's jokes should be avoided, telling racist's jokes can be disastrous which is understandable with the world as it is today, where sadly we have more crying than laughing.

Okay back to planning what party jokes you tend to use and how to present them, once again remember, actions speak louder than words when telling jokes and so do costumes. Dressing up can have your onlooker now see your funny jokes as being hilarious. Choosing the right costume will make all the difference so be careful at this point because, no matter how funny your jokes are, your outfit can send out other signals. For example: Take coco the clown who we expect to throw buckets of water over people, topple and take tumbles, okay this is fine if you want to play funny pranks on people, however it is not often you see a stand up comedienne dressed as a clown unless telling kiddies jokes.

Comediennes are usually remembered for their jokes and how they dress. Drag queens like Lily Savage, Danny La Rue and Dame Edna Everage became famous for their false identities (opposite sex). Then we had Max Wall famous for his walk and Freddie Frinton for his role of a drunk on stage. These are just a few ideas, however the more unique you are under the spotlight may just keep you in the spotlight if you wish to make a career out of telling funny jokes.

If you selected different jokes like Irish jokes, Scottish jokes or even parrot jokes, then at your side have a case filled with assorted wigs or instruments to use; these will help make your hilarious jokes come to life.

Some people are naturally talented when telling jokes, however for those who are not and find they have been nominated to entertain need not fret. All you do is watch a video of how other entertainers perform when telling jokes. Duplicate the jesters actions by standing in front of the mirror and practice, who knows you may even laugh at yourself at this point.

If you want the event to be a success then audience participation is definitely the way forward for guaranteed laughs. When calling upon a guest to join you on stage to help out with a trick or you tend on them being on the brunt end of your joke, then you must select that person with carefully, meaning, "Can they take a joke."

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Funny Jokes For Adults And Stand-Up Comedy

Stand-up comedy has evolved in harmony with the cosmic blueprint and there's an interesting story attached to this. It's more than just funny jokes for adults, but a Long, long time ago before our time, and before people as we know them existed on Earth, our planet was formed from a cataclysmic "bang" out in the cosmos.

The cosmic blueprint: Comedy and funny jokes for adults was fused into the very material that went into making our own planet. Much, much later when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, they themselves were destined to suffer the consequences of this cosmic idleness. Consider why those mammoth creatures disappeared, again the answer is clear, they died of boredom.

Why they didn't have television. It is said that evidence exists to suggest that man did, in fact, survive the ice-age. True, most died in that endless cold, but the clever ones stayed at home in their caves in front of a cozy fire making up funny jokes for adults which is One Theory of how stand-up comedy first started off!

Let us consider: Before stand-up comedy and funny jokes for adults, there were other startling fundamentals of our planet's development. Firstly we will consider Newton's first law of relativity,, for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction. We can best illustrate this by observing the very length of time our planet took to develop life forms. For a long, long time nothing happened, so what was the reaction? Nothing! Eventually microscopic unicellular organisms were in existence, but they got tired of floating around in a massive ocean, so they teamed up to form the first species of fish.

That makes a lot of sense: But what has funny jokes for adults and stand-up comedy got to do with fish? Now if you've been attentive, you'll be able to discern the makings of a pattern here... Yes, that cosmic blueprint was in evidence again. The fish had to keep swimming to survive and like the little amoeba, the fish got well and truly bored with swimming; just so they could breathe.

It took one enterprising little fish. The fish went up on to the beach and what was the first thing he did? Yes, he had a rest, but very shortly after this he developed lungs, so he could stay on the beach - resting. Now if it wasn't for the fact that the fish got hungry he might never have developed lungs or legs and they are the main ingredients for Stand-up comedy and funny jokes for adults. And that's how it all started.

Consider the obvious parallel. With the development of the walking fish, the cosmic die was firmly cast. As with the fish, man's very physical configuration was determined by his most basic needs and legs provided the mobility which was needed for man to gather and hunt food, walk around making up funny jokes for adults to laugh at with their developed lungs.

Welcome to the real world. It's all about having as much fun as possible, lifestyle and of course personal development with ==> Funny Jokes For Adults. Discover the Stand-up Comedy Secrets you need to KILL on stage in Record Time and that's no joke! Limited time ==> Stand Up Comedy Secrets. Get your questions answered about how to develop and deliver a high powered stand-up comedy act.

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Funny Jokes Collection

Snicker snicker...Laugh your way to good health. Who ever said laughter is the best medicine must have really laughed his way out of the hospital bed going crazy over the huge medical bill.

So have you had your laughs for the day? If not, now is the time. Just log on to the web and you will come across so many jokes, that you will be spoilt for choice. There are categories ranging right from kiddy jokes to the much appreciated adult ones. My personal ones are the blond jokes. So what if blonds are sexy, it's more important for the lady to provide you with the entertainment, isn't it?

Then there are the professional jokes. The categories include office, lawyer, doctor, engineer and tons of others without forgetting the fiercely funny men in uniform. But jokes on politicians and sex take the cake. All you need is just another political fiasco by our elected representatives and our very own Mr. Leno takes them apart.

Sex has been a part of our lives since time immortal and what better way of making it interesting than to take it to bed. This particular category is the most sought after on the net. And then there the 'Yo mama' jokes. These not only are funny, but also give you the chance to get even with your neighborhood hooligans.

Whatever purpose jokes satisfy in our lives, they are a very important part of it. So just read a few of them, unwind, enjoy and give those stomach muscles a good shake.

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Sending Funny But Clean SMS (Short Message Service) Jokes

If there is one thing mobile phones are useful for, it is sending SMS (Short Message Service) or popularly known as text messages. Aside from the fact that it is cheaper than making calls, people are finding other ways to use the text messages feature such as forwarding love quotes and short funny jokes. Most of the time, my friends are sending me forwarded jokes because they know I am in to funny stuff. Some of the jokes that they sent me are funny and some of them well, lets just say you have to be smart enough to get it. Forwarded jokes can be about anything such as dirty or clean jokes.

Most of the clean jokes that I find funny are the dialogue types. Like a dad and his son having a conversation about being a man, then realizing that his son is into Barbie or something. There are also others where they insult famous people like the president (if he or she has the reputation of being dumb), or it can be about old school jokes such as a knock knock joke. Today, people are finding other ways to make their joke exciting or having a suspense part for the punch line. For example, a joke is in a form of question. You do not see the answer right away. You need to scroll down first in order for you to read the punch line.

Sending funny SMS (Short Message Service) jokes is just a way of making people laugh just by the use of their mobile phones. The reaction of the people may not be the same as they can either find the joke offensive, too corny, or find it really funny. So just be careful of sending those SMS (Short Message Service) messages and make sure that it would not be over the line. As much as possible, try to avoid making fun of religion, unless it is something light which people can get it right away. Normally when we receive funny SMS (Short Message Service) jokes, it gives us laughter even though your day is not going the way you want it to be today. In other words, you are having a bad day and reading jokes would not be that bad to make you smile even just for a little bit.

So go on, text those funny but clean jokes to your friends or your family and make them laugh for them to know that life is simple and does not have to be hard all the time. All it takes is one SMS (Short Message Service) to make a person smile.

If you want to get some clean funny jokes to use in your short text messages you can go to Clean Short Funny Jokes Collection or you are always welcome to submit your own one liner jokes.

Why Wait For Someone Else To Create Really Funny Jokes?

Let's face it, we all love a laugh. We need funny events, funny jokes, comedy shows, cartoons, or even just listening to someone with an infectious laugh, because when we laugh it's nature's drug free high. We feel good about life, just for those moments.

Thousands of people trawl the Net each day in search of the latest jokes. There is a definite sense of one-upmanship if you can tell a joke the other person has yet to hear. Better still if you can regularly do it. Just think about the thousands of emails circulating workplaces with jokes, funny pictures, or daft video attached.

The sad thing about this activity is that we are all relying on someone out there to come up with, or who can point us in the direction of, these daily funnies. It never occurs to us that maybe we could come up with a joke ourselves. To create a joke that no-one has heard before, and start it on a world wide internet adventure is an exhilarating feeling, but too much like hard work for most. They'd rather spend time posting the same tired old gags on internet joke forums, or trawling joke sites in the vain hope of spotting something new.

Yet jokes don't just materialise out of digital nowhere. Someone somewhere has created them. Admittedly a lot are taken from routines of well known comedians, albeit in most cases without due credit, or lifted from comedy shows, but a significant amount are created by ordinary folk who had a lightbulb moment.

We can all do it if we take the time. We often say funny or amusing things that we immediately forget about, or something will happen during the day that raises a smile, or, better still, forces a laugh. Imagine being able to recall all those wonderful moments and write them down. What a wealth of material. You could undoubtedly write your own comedy series.

If you're not blessed with total recall then play around with words. The English language is fertile ground when it comes to growing your own jokes. Puns and double-entendres abound. Give yourself half an hour, arm yourself with a dictionary, and flick through, picking pages at random. Look for words with more than one meaning. Bar is a classic example.

A man walked into a bar. Ouch!

When you're looking at definitions, make a note too of common terms and phrases associated with that word. Use a well known phrase as your punchline and work backwards. The more you train yourself to look for amusing connections, the easier it becomes to create funny lines. Given a few practice runs there's no reason why your creation shouldn't be the latest hot joke doing the Internet rounds.

I'll leave you with a joke I created a while ago, but which came about when I was playing cards. The two key words here are hand and trump. I came up with the punchline first and then filled in the rest.

A Doctor is not surprised to see the name of a particular patient on his list. The elderly gent in question has recently had heart surgery and treatment for painful arthritis in his hand. However, there is another reason for his visit.

"It`s very embarrassing, Doctor. But I keep breaking wind in company. I was at the golf club Thursday and couldn`t stop myself. On Friday it was all quiet in the chess club until I let one go. Same thing has happened at the Dancing Club, the Social Club and the Gardeners Club. I can`t seem to stop blowing off."

"Alright" says the Doctor, "Let`s check a couple of things. Are you wearing any gold or precious stones?"

The old man is somewhat puzzled but says, "Good Lord, no. Never been into wearing anything like that."

"And are you still digging vegetables on your allotment?"

"No. The wife was concerned it was too much for me, so she put my shovels away in the loft where I can`t get at them."

"Mmmm" says the Doctor, "I think I see your problem. High spades, a dodgy heart, too many clubs and no diamonds. With a hand like yours you`re bound to trump!"

Graham Parry, creator of The Jester, http://thejester.biz , is attempting to resuscitate the lightbulb joke at http://www.thelightbulbjoke.blogspot.com

4 Funny Text Messages, and What They Can Teach Us About Life

Funny text messages and self-help - what's that all about then?

Well I reckon that some of those funny SMS jokes you get sent on your mobile phone can actually teach us all a thing or two about life.

And I'm going to use this short article to prove it.

And if, after reading, you're not convinced - and you didn't laugh at the free SMS jokes either - then I'll happily offer you a full refund.

Because, as everyone knows, you get what you pay for in this life.

Or do you?...

Funny SMS #1: If I begin to procrastinate today instead of tomorrow, would that be considered self-improvement?

It would be considered cute, for sure, but I'm not sure procrastinating today is ever a good thing. Even though I'm as guilty as the next person. (I've been meaning to write this article about funny text messages for weeks now. And it's only because I'm putting off writing another article that I'm writing this one today!)

Seriously, procrastination is just another way that fear shows its ugly head. And fear is (mostly) a bad thing. It stops you from being the person you really are.

Funny SMS #2: Be friendly with your kids, they choose your home when you are old!

Hah, now this free funny SMS is perhaps not so funny when you get it sent to you from one of your children! And in terms of self-help, it's all about your actions having consequences I guess, and the need therefore for us all to take full responsibility for them.

Of course if you don't have kids then do the heck what you want!...

Funny SMS #3: Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

This is another of those cute procrastination funny text messages. But there's a strong element of truth in it: laziness does pay off now, and we all like instant payouts!

So there's nothing more to say, really, other than be lazy now! Yep, it's bound to get us what we want in life. Provided, of course, that all we want in life is to be lazy now (and we happen to have won the lottery)...

Funny SMS #4: The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Which is another way of saying the early bird gets the worm.

Which can also be thought of as the worm that got up early got eaten by the early bird.

Which is my way of saying, sometimes it pays to wait, and sometimes you need to take action now.

Your mission, Jim, should you decide to accept it, is to know which time is which.

--

Okay, that pretty much proves it conclusively folks that those funny text messages you get on your cell phone aren't always a waste of time.

Sometimes, the person who sent it to you is really trying to give you a subtle message about life.

And sometimes they just wanna make you laugh. Like with this funny SMS...

Boy: I am not rich like Raoul, I don't even have a big car like Raoul. But I really love you!

Girl: I love you too, but tell me more about Raoul...

Yes, this is one of those funny messages that doesn't have a self-help meaning. And I've included it here simply because it made me laugh.

Oh, come to think of it, that's all right actually. Laughing is good. In fact, I'd go as far as saying that laughing is a sign that we're enjoying life. And I'm pretty sure that's the point of self-help isn't it, to enjoy life more. (Or is the point to life so that we can get to know (or be) Raoul?...)

Steve M Nash believes that you are your own self help guru. And that's why he created http://www.SelfHelpCollective.com - to let you help yourself, and help others too. But if you just want to read funny text messages then you can do so here, for free http://www.selfhelpcollective.com/funny-text-messages.html

Funny Practical Jokes

Funny practical jokes can be a laugh for everybody. These kinds of jokes are lighthearted and are quite different from a written or a verbal joke. Pranks, as practical jokes are sometimes called, involve someone doing something to someone else.

An example would be college students using a crane to put a professor's car on top of the college roof. After the crane leaves, the professor comes out of class and can't find his car. He thinks it's stolen at first, but then he notices other students looking up at the top of the building and laughing. He then looks up to discover where his car is. Then, of course, he goes through the thought process of wondering how on earth the car got up there and how he's going to get it down (this actually happened at Oxford University).

This was quite a complex practical joke. When everyone had their laugh, the students responsible for the joke had the crane returned and gently placed the car back in the parking lot.

Funny practical jokes can be very simple, too. At one time a young man fell asleep on the couch at some friends' house and they painted his fingernails and toenails pink while he slept. He never noticed until he got to work the next day and was he surprised! He must have been half asleep not to notice. That was a harmless practical joke and they all had a great laugh--at his expense, of course.

Another simple prank is just jumping out and scaring a friend when he or she least expects it. One nine-year old girl regularly hides in the house when she sees her father coming home. She will wait and wait and wait, like a tiger waiting for its prey and then she'll pounce as he comes around a corner. She scares him every time. And then they laugh together.

That same girl at age five, snuck into her dad's office when he was busy on the computer one day. She quietly tied one of her father's legs to the chair he was sitting on with a silk scarf. She was so careful and quiet that he never felt a thing. After tying the scarf, she hid behind another chair so she could watch what was going to happen. She patiently waited as a few minutes passed. Finally, her dad got up from the chair and when he took his first step, the chair came with him. He couldn't believe his eyes as he looked down to see his daughter's silk scarf tied around his ankle to the chair. He burst out in laughter and she jumped and squealed with joy. She got him again!

April Fool's Day is the big practical joke day of the year. Some people think about jokes and the people they want to play them on for weeks and sometimes even months ahead of time. And then on April 1st they put their plan into action. What are you going to do next April Fools' Day?

Tad is a seasoned educator, counselor and writer. He writes for http://www.familyfuncartoons.com - From coloring pages, crafts, puzzles, how to draw simple things, kids poetry, teen fun, games, party fun, and also educational projects.

Laughing at Really Funny Jokes Keeps Heart Attack Away

The adage, "laughter is the best medicine", proves to be true when it comes to keeping heart attacks at bay. Recent studies conducted at a university in Baltimore show that people who always have a good laugh are less likely to have heart diseases. Further, people with heart diseases are found 40% less probable to laugh and become humorous compared to people to those without heart problems. If this is true, the very elixir that could solve a serious medical condition pertaining to the heart is found the very primordial act of laughing at really funny jokes.

A good belly laugh considered to be a form of exercise. It can serve as an "internal exercise because it provides a good cardiac stimulation and conditioning. This is especially important to those who don't have the time to exercise or do physical activities. Laughing also prevents hypertension because it lessens the likeliness of stress. It relaxes muscles and lessens the supply of dopamine in he blood, a hormone known to induce the fight or flight response.

Knowing all these, how can you practice the habit of laughing to keep heart attack away? Here are some ways.

1. Think of happy thoughts.

Keeping a light-hearted disposition is crucial in preventing heart attacks. Try to recall the things that you find funny. This may include a hilarious scene on TV, news or an event. Whenever stress starts keeping in, think about these situations can lower your stress and anxiety levels.

2. Engage in a healthy and entertaining conversation with close friends.

Doing this does not only produce some natural laughter, but also helps maintain good mental health. It gives a light feeling and relieves tension.

3. Watch funny movies and TV shows.

This is probably one of the easiest things to do to laugh. Immersing in the hilarity of others' propensity for funny antics is the ultimate way to turn off sadness and stress. The heart benefits a lot from the laughter you give out.

4. Read some really funny jokes.

Fortunately, there are lots of good sites on the internet that feature jokes and pranks that people can laugh at. When the feeling of heaviness of heart creeps in, don't wallow in misery. Taking care of the heart through laughing is very important.

5. Relax!

Don't pretend to have fun, but let laughter come naturally. It is also not advisable to be so serious about life. If there's a big hindrance on the road, don't lash out and go berserk. Relax and respond humorously to everyday life's situation. Think of positive things that could still induce some laughter amidst a stressful incident. Remember that most of the time, stress is only in the mind.

Nursing loneliness and anguish is the fastest way to a nasty and life-threatening heart attack. Don't treat your heart like you have another one in the bank in case what you have fails to beat. Nurture a happy disposition, laugh at really funny jokes, and smile to ensure a healthy heart.

A Computer Engineering student and loves to travel. Reading current news in the internet is one of his past times. Taking pictures of the things around him fully satisfies him. He loves to play badminton and his favorite pets are cats.

For more information and queries, you may visit Really Funny Jokes.

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