Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow High In Transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
Showing posts with label Various. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Various. Show all posts
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
fifteen dollars
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver’s license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
The Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drink.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.’
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch’……
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.’
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch’……
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
Sometimes...
Sometimes...
when you cry....
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain.
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes..
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress
Sometimes..
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile ..
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
But FART !! just ONE time....
when you cry....
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain.
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes..
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress
Sometimes..
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile ..
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
But FART !! just ONE time....
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
This Ad Was Posted in the New York Times Personals
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket.
The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me.
[That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.
Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card.
The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. That made his day!
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.
I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket.
The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me.
[That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.
Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card.
The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. That made his day!
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.
I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
Saturday, 28 November 2009
Thursday, 17 September 2009
Thank you for shopping at Budgens
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him
'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a Doctor, I always go private though.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Budgens. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and What to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten pounds ..... ..... . A lot cheaper than a Doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Budgens.
He deposits ten pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow... Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping at Budgens.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Budgens, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1.... Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2.... Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3.... Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.... Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5.... If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Budgens
'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a Doctor, I always go private though.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Budgens. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and What to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten pounds ..... ..... . A lot cheaper than a Doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Budgens.
He deposits ten pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow... Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping at Budgens.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Budgens, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1.... Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2.... Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3.... Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.... Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5.... If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Budgens
Friday, 11 September 2009
The Indian
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He Jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what the promised he would do... Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows.......
You can't kill Two Birds with Onestone!!!
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He Jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what the promised he would do... Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows.......
You can't kill Two Birds with Onestone!!!
Sunday, 30 August 2009
Virus alert
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. And that!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment... Well darn!
6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished. Oh no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.' and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should 'DELETE.' Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE 'C-NILE VIRUS.'
Hmmm....Have I already posted this?
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. And that!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment... Well darn!
6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished. Oh no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.' and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should 'DELETE.' Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE 'C-NILE VIRUS.'
Hmmm....Have I already posted this?
Sunday, 23 August 2009
9 things I hate
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their arses!
5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid £12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement , then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'... If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbarse?
2 People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their arses!
5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid £12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement , then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'... If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbarse?
Thursday, 20 August 2009
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
SGV Tribune
-------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
-------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
-------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
-------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
---------------------- --------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
-------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
--------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
--------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
-------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
--------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
--------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
--------------------------------------------------
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
--------------------------------------------------
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
--------------------------------------------------
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
SGV Tribune
-------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
-------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
-------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
-------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
---------------------- --------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
-------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
--------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
--------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
-------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
--------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
--------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
--------------------------------------------------
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
--------------------------------------------------
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
--------------------------------------------------
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Friday, 31 July 2009
The Storm
They were together in the House.
Just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly
And
Each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and
Wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed...
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm Raged on...
They knew it was wrong...
Their families would never understand.... So consumed were they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors...
Just the faint click of a camera......
Just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly
And
Each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and
Wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed...
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm Raged on...
They knew it was wrong...
Their families would never understand.... So consumed were they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors...
Just the faint click of a camera......
Thursday, 30 July 2009
More rubbish
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except the one where you're naked in the supermarket
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Welcome to Caernarfon Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
Gwynedd:
Fifteen thousand people,
Fifteen last names.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion, that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except the one where you're naked in the supermarket
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Welcome to Caernarfon Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
Gwynedd:
Fifteen thousand people,
Fifteen last names.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion, that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Survey
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And Finally........................... In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.
The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And Finally........................... In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
illegal immigrants
ATTENTION: ALL Zimbabwe/Mozambique BORDER PATROL AGENTS...
Be on the lookout for a 1951 Chevy, red with white top - thought to be transporting illegal immigrants!
Be on the lookout for a 1951 Chevy, red with white top - thought to be transporting illegal immigrants!
Saturday, 18 July 2009
Inner peace
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with you r troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,
If you can conquer tens ion without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with you r troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,
If you can conquer tens ion without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
Wednesday, 15 July 2009
The pub
A chap walks into a pub and sits down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,he heard a sexy voice say, "Nice shoes!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful tie." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey,I must be losing my mind," he said. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's no one in here but us." "It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."
Monday, 13 July 2009
The French Paintings
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two streets away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.'
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I thought I had nothing Toulouse.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two streets away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.'
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I thought I had nothing Toulouse.
Saturday, 11 July 2009
First Aid
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...
The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way unhurriedly, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boys testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then even more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
.....
"No" the woman replied ...... "I'm with the Inland Revenue."
He gives the boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...
The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way unhurriedly, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boys testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then even more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
.....
"No" the woman replied ...... "I'm with the Inland Revenue."
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