Information about young children the truths of Life, learned

1. no matter how hard I try to not to baptize cats.

2. when the Mother of the mad is the father of her, do not grant the hair brush.

3. when the Sun hits a sister, do not strike back. Always stick to another person.

4. Never be prompted to save the tomato 3-year-old brother.

5. You may not be able to watch your food to dogs.

6. Read what people write to teach much., desks

7. don't Sneeze when someone is on the cutting of the hair.

8. the puppies still breathing after eating a breath mint.

9. does not like the vacuum and the cat at the same time.

10. the School Lunch packages attached to the wall.

11. you can't hide a piece of broccoli on the glass of milk.

12. don't wear polka dot shorts white with lingerie – regardless of how cute underwear is.

Truths About Life, Learned by Young Children

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 21, 2011 | No Comments

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask your 3 year-old brother to hold a tomato.

5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

7. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

8. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a breath mint.

9. Never hold a vacuum and a cat at the same time.

10. School lunches stick to the wall.

11. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

12. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts – no matter how cute the underwear is.

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What Movies Tell Us About Computers

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 11, 2011 | No Comments

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don’t, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing “ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES” on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS” (see “Fortress”).

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer, even if it’s turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see “Demolition Man” and countless others).

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labelled.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see “Alien”, “2001?).

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What the movies tell us about computers

Word processors never display a cursor.

Never do not need to use a SPACEBAR when typing long sentences.

All of the displayed-inch high letters.

High-tech computers, such as NASA, the CIA 's, or some of the State institution, is easy to understand video drivers. Those who do not, is incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can get access to the "ACCESS to all OF the SECRET files", all of the keyboard, simply type the information you want.

Similarly, can be transmitted to a computer virus can destroy, enter simply "Upload virus" (see "The Fortress").

All of the computers are connected to. You can use the Protocol to the Villain of the data on your computer, even if it is disabled.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press the key on the keyboard or screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it does not go faster than you can read. * Really * advanced ones also emulate the sound of the printer, matrix printer.

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash below the surface of pots. Malfunctions are marked with a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower, and sparks an explosion that forces you backward.

Enter off of the computer users disable the saving of data.

A hacker can gain the most from your computer before the intermission in the world and the secret password in the two to try to guess.

Any PERMISSION DENIED has the BYPASS feature (see "Demolition Man", and countless others).

Complex calculations and huge amounts of data loading in the civil service of less than three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to pass the information to two gigabytes per second speed.

When the power station is the site of the missile, all regardless of whether the/overheats control panels to explode, as the entire building.

If the disk has got encrypted files, you will be asked automatically password when you try to use it.

Regardless of what is a computer disk is available, it is put into the system. All application software is available for all computer platforms, the more high-tech equipment, has more buttons (the aliens). However, each is trained to be a very, because the buttons are not marked.

On most computers, regardless of how small, is actually a three-dimensional, defying the active animation, graphics capability.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always has amazing real-time video is evidently the phone's features and CRAY-Supercomputer performance.

Whenever a character looks at a display Terminal work, the picture is bright, and that it projects itself onto his face (see "Alien", 

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Why Do Doctors Make Jokes When They're About to Do Something Unpleasant?

It's not uncommon for doctors to make jokes when they're about to do something unpleasant.

But why? Is it done out of cruelty or lack of caring? Could there be a humane reason behind what appears to be a misguided attempt at humor?

As a family physician, when someone asks me whether a procedure is going to hurt, I usually answer, "I won't feel a thing." But that's not true. It always hurts me, at least a little. Occasionally it brings tears to my eyes.

Doctors don't like to cause pain. "First do no harm" is taught from day one of medical school. Just as parents don't like to hurt their children, physicians don't like to cause discomfort, even when it's in the best interest of the patient. Humor is a way physicians counter their own unwillingness to harm another person. It's a method for doctors to reassure themselves that they are doing what is right.

But more importantly, humor helps put patients at ease. Patients who are nervous tend to experience more pain. Often the fear of pain, or fear of the unknown, causes more distress than the actual procedure. If a doctor can dispel fear, the discomfort will be much easier to manage. Humor helps people relax, but it also distracts them from what's about to happen. The human brain can only focus on so much at a time. If the brain is involved in laughing, it's less focused on worry or pain.

Humor is also a way of gauging a patient's attitude toward their problem. Some patients can laugh over a heart attack or mastectomy. Others consider a minor blemish a serious threat to their self-image. Physicians can use a joke as a measure of a patient's ego and stability. People who cannot see a lighter side to their situation often require more reassurance than a person who can laugh at themselves.

Sometimes doctors use humor as a way of getting to know their patients better. (What would you have them talk about anyway? How sharp the knife is? How deep the needle will plunge?) Just as humor creates a bond between friends, it can strengthen a doctor-patient relationship.

A mistake common to doctors and patients alike is taking medicine too seriously. True, some problems are life-threatening, but most physician encounters are not. Many problems physicians see would heal on their own if given sufficient time. Sharing a smile may speed your healing more quickly than an antibiotic.

Laughter is the best medicine, according to the good book. Physicians need jokes, too. Bring a good one to your next office visit and see if you don't brighten your doctor's day.

Copyright 2010 Cynthia J. Koelker, M.D.

Cynthia J. Koelker MD is a family physician of over twenty years, and holds degrees from MIT, Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the University of Akron. She is the author of "101 Ways to Save Money on Healthcare."

For free tips on how to save money on health care read Dr. Koelker's blog at: http://101waystosavemoneyonhealthcare.blogspot.com/

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When someone Jokes about you

Is not a hard and fast rule to handle the situation where one of the jokes about you. However, there are some tricks that works really well in this situation. These tips are:

Ignorance is the first thing to do when someone jokes about you. People make fun of you, you can usually, because they want to get attention or they want to feel embarrassed. In this scenario, if you are able to respond to the joke, proves to be the worst. Take the normal comment a joke and do not feel hurt. Defend yourself and keep the better the person does not go ahead.

You can also respond to the fun, you can make a joking back to the person. This sets the joking, you become the location of the person.

However, you have to be difficult. A joke in a reasonable and style, the second person to give a more joke. This will teach him a lesson and make him understand that he has been a fool, instead of you.

Receive a joke and not defensive reaction. This shows how confident you are, and how happy you are there for you when you decide to take a joke, but the actual damage has no effect.

For suppose if you will be asked some one that does not go out much, you can simply respond by saying, Yes, in fact, this is the entire year, which have become, outing for the first time. This will prove to be the person that you are very sure you can do.

Looking for more than a joke is also a way to understand a joke. Sometimes people get hurt or were in the Word and make a joke about you. If you feel something like this has happened to another person, he may ask, he really has a problem.

Learn the skills, reading jokes. This shows the positive attitude and you can avoid getting offended other teasing.

Plans4Boats evaluation of and the method in the evaluation of the Lottery will take you to a new level.

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What Girls think about the morning after

Sung, "I will survive!"

Initially, I was scared, I was Petrified.
By ugly wanker, who was lying in my side-by-side.
You've drunk a little less
I've tried to keep my
If I knew only one seconds
I would be grateful if the crusty Bed

I tried to go out the door, walk.
But I laughed so hard at his or her own small piece, which I've fallen on the floor.
Oman butt is pimply MESS
It has just broken out of shame,
But, rather, look,
than at your face ... fucking ugly!

I want to go, is now on the left.
Chicks and you talk makes me want to football really heave.
Just do not know, is now in my drinking distilled spirits, and beer, preventing
When I looked at you coz last night,
You looked just like that Richard Gere!

I can't believe that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes or simply bound — gagged.
I am fucking right now
I am jumping flippin ' train
and I am stopping till I am home and washed your greeblies down to be consumed.

Notify me of updates to go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst of sex in the world and you're ugly e.g. skin prick
It should be, at least in the gorgeous mate shagged he has got lovely flat.
But not to go and you trust the booze, and now I am stuck with you the Twa.

It is time to go, but at the door.
You can find so ugly, it should really be contrary to law.
I'm going to abandon all the booze
I'm going is not a stupid fun
Angel of your Mug beside it coz
Just makes me want a nun!

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How About 68

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 3, 2011 | No Comments

A very tired husband came home from the office after a long grueling day to find his wife in her sexiest nightgown waiting for him at the door with a couple of glasses of wine in hand.

She took his briefcase from him and led him over to the couch where she proceeded to help make him “more comfortable.”

“How should we do it tonight, honey?” she cooed in his ear, “Shall we do 69?”

“I don’t think so dear. I’m pretty tired. How about 68?” he said.

“Huh, 68? What’s 68?” she asked, a little puzzled.

“You do me, and I’ll owe you one.”

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What Else Should You Know About Doing Standup Comedy Jokes?

There's a big difference between a funny guy making his friends laugh every time they get together and the lonely guy standing on a stage ready to deliver a comedy routine... you probably already know that... what else should you know?

You need to know something about your audience... these aren't your pals out there! Chances are you're well aware of that and you've probably been hanging around this place where you're going to do this gig, you've been kidding around with the wait staff, you've sat down with a drink to catch the mood of the usual crowd...

You can tell a lot about what will or will not go over just by the age of the audience... a joke about Nixon won't go over well if the audience is under the age of 30... what else should you know?

You better know who your competition is. That means you have to do some research... you can watch guys like Leno and Letterman on TV. You can also go to local comedy clubs so you can watch your immediate competition.

You'll be in a live laboratory, finding out what goes over and what doesn't, learning about the kind of material those working standup comedians are using.

You probably already know that not all routines are right for every audience... but how can you tell if some of your risque material might bomb?

If you had an audience of nuns it would be easy of course... but the only way you would know in advance about a regular mixed audience would probably be through the sleuthing you did by mingling as a regular customer and being friendly with the wait staff before you had your gig.

What else do you need to know? Knowing how you look is really important. You need to do your routine in front of a mirror, a lot of standup comedy is nuance... many times a certain look or expression is what makes people laugh... they'll be waiting for it and you better not change it!

After you're pleased with your act in front of a mirror and you're totally comfortable with it, perform it in front of friends and ask them to be honest about your performance... some friends won't have any trouble doing that!

What else do you need to know? You're going to need a manager... that's someone who'll want to get you gigs so he'll give you his honest opinion about your performance.

When you find a manager you can trust, you'll get professional feedback about your performance.

Fran Civile offers a review of a great resource for standup comedy routines including over 100 pages of free material at http://writingforcomedy.blogspot.com/.

Christmas Joke About Cyber Terrorism Hackers

Cyber attacks and cyber terrorism have disrupted many US government computer systems. These hackers, many of them "patriotic hackers" from China have also hit many of the United States' largest corporations. At the North Pole, a US territory, they also hit Santa Claus Corporation. But this time they stole the Christmas "wish lists" of 1.1 billion children.

Santa Claus Corporation has been busy notifying all the children that their private information has been jeopardized by hackers. The Federal Trade Commission is suing the company for allowing identity thieves to steal this data. There may also be violations of HIPPA because occasionally handicapped or physically challenged children tell Santa Claus of their ailments in letters when they send in their Christmas wish lists.

Because of all the negative publicity this has caused Santa Claus Corporation a huge problem. It may even cut down in the number of orders this year, which are already down by 20% due to the global economic financial meltdown and crisis. If things get much worse, it could very much hurt the corporation's stock, which is already down 40% from October of 2008.

Mr. Claus stated; "I'm not sure what the hackers want with all these Christmas wish-lists, but if they'd like to provide the toys for all the children, whose personal information they stole, then be my guest. Just make sure you get all those toys delivered by December 25th. And don't forget the Hanukkah list either, those are due even sooner, as our Corporation now has the contract for Hanukkah as well."

Parents, Santa, and federal authorities are fit to be tied over this hacking incident.

Lance Winslow is a retired Founder of a Nationwide Franchise Chain, and now runs the Online Think Tank. Lance Winslow believes in secured networks.

4 Funny Text Messages, and What They Can Teach Us About Life

Funny text messages and self-help - what's that all about then?

Well I reckon that some of those funny SMS jokes you get sent on your mobile phone can actually teach us all a thing or two about life.

And I'm going to use this short article to prove it.

And if, after reading, you're not convinced - and you didn't laugh at the free SMS jokes either - then I'll happily offer you a full refund.

Because, as everyone knows, you get what you pay for in this life.

Or do you?...

Funny SMS #1: If I begin to procrastinate today instead of tomorrow, would that be considered self-improvement?

It would be considered cute, for sure, but I'm not sure procrastinating today is ever a good thing. Even though I'm as guilty as the next person. (I've been meaning to write this article about funny text messages for weeks now. And it's only because I'm putting off writing another article that I'm writing this one today!)

Seriously, procrastination is just another way that fear shows its ugly head. And fear is (mostly) a bad thing. It stops you from being the person you really are.

Funny SMS #2: Be friendly with your kids, they choose your home when you are old!

Hah, now this free funny SMS is perhaps not so funny when you get it sent to you from one of your children! And in terms of self-help, it's all about your actions having consequences I guess, and the need therefore for us all to take full responsibility for them.

Of course if you don't have kids then do the heck what you want!...

Funny SMS #3: Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

This is another of those cute procrastination funny text messages. But there's a strong element of truth in it: laziness does pay off now, and we all like instant payouts!

So there's nothing more to say, really, other than be lazy now! Yep, it's bound to get us what we want in life. Provided, of course, that all we want in life is to be lazy now (and we happen to have won the lottery)...

Funny SMS #4: The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Which is another way of saying the early bird gets the worm.

Which can also be thought of as the worm that got up early got eaten by the early bird.

Which is my way of saying, sometimes it pays to wait, and sometimes you need to take action now.

Your mission, Jim, should you decide to accept it, is to know which time is which.

--

Okay, that pretty much proves it conclusively folks that those funny text messages you get on your cell phone aren't always a waste of time.

Sometimes, the person who sent it to you is really trying to give you a subtle message about life.

And sometimes they just wanna make you laugh. Like with this funny SMS...

Boy: I am not rich like Raoul, I don't even have a big car like Raoul. But I really love you!

Girl: I love you too, but tell me more about Raoul...

Yes, this is one of those funny messages that doesn't have a self-help meaning. And I've included it here simply because it made me laugh.

Oh, come to think of it, that's all right actually. Laughing is good. In fact, I'd go as far as saying that laughing is a sign that we're enjoying life. And I'm pretty sure that's the point of self-help isn't it, to enjoy life more. (Or is the point to life so that we can get to know (or be) Raoul?...)

Steve M Nash believes that you are your own self help guru. And that's why he created http://www.SelfHelpCollective.com - to let you help yourself, and help others too. But if you just want to read funny text messages then you can do so here, for free http://www.selfhelpcollective.com/funny-text-messages.html