2006 New Year’s Resolutions

Joke of the Day Posted on | October 1, 2011 | No Comments

As we all prepare to start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year’s Resolutions. Here is my list of recent years’ resolutions and the revised ones for 2006.

Resolution #1
2003: I will try to be a better husband to Lisa.
2004: I will not leave Lisa.
2005: I will try for reconciliation with Lisa.
2006: I will try to be a better husband to Rachel.

Resolution #2
2003: I will stop looking at other women.
2004: I will not get involved with Rachel.
2005: I will not let Rachel pressure me into another marriage.
2006: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3
2003: I will not let my boss push me around.
2004: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2005: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2006: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4
2003: I will read at least 20 good books a year
2004: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2005: I will read 5 books a year.
2006: I will finish Space.

Resolution #5
2003: I will not get upset when Bill and Roger make jokes about my baldness.
2004: I will not get annoyed when Bill and Roger kid me about my toupee.
2005: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
2006: I will not speak to Bill and Roger.

Resolution #6
2003: I will get my weight down below 180.
2004: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2005: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2006: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7
2003: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2004: I will not touch the bottle before noon
2005: I will not become a “problem drinker”.
2006: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8
2003: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2004: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2005: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2006: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2008.

Resolution #9
2003: I will see my dentist this year.
2004: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2005: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2006: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10
2003: I will go to church every Sunday.
2004: I will go to church as often as possible.
2005: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2006: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

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Three years old

The three-year-old pregnant woman walked, while at the same time to wait for the doctors at the Office with her mother.

He asked inquisitively woman, "why is my stomach so great?"

He replied, "I have a baby."

Big eye he asked, "is the baby's own stomach?"

He replied, "He certainly is."

Then a little boy, puzzled look, asking, "is it good for the baby?"

He said, "Oh, Yes, It is a real good. [4] [5] baby."

Even more surprised and shocked with the appearance he asked, "then why are you eat him?"

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Ten years ago

Posted a day in the life of a joke | March 2, 2011 | 1 comment

85 years old, having been married, the couple almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They would have been good mainly for the benefit of his health, the food and exercise for 10 years. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their kaksikerroksisista, which was the Mansionin with beautiful kitchen and bathroom suite and a Jacuzzi.

"Oohed and aahed" asked the old man Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It is a free," Peter replied, "this is heaven."

They went back to the study of the Championship Golf course, which is backed up, the home Member State the following. Should the rights of the everyday and the Golf course during the week of each representing a large golf courses have changed over the surface of the Earth into a new.

The old man said: "what does green fee payments?"

St. Petersburg's reply, "this is Heaven, you can play for free."

Next went to the Club House and saw a lavish buffet cuisine in the world.

"How much you eat?" asked the old man.

"Do not understand yet? This is a heaven, it's free! " Peter replied with some exasperation.

"No, where are the low fat and low cholesterol-tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter taught, "that is, you can eat as much as you like, regardless of you in the best part … and fat will never be, and you never get sick. This is heaven. "

The old man went with the anger, the fit to throw down his hat and the wild and wildly shrieking.

Peter and his wife both tried to appease him, asking him, what is wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "this is all the fault. If it is not for you, and damn bran muffins, unable to be here 10 years ago! "

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Ten Years Ago

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 2, 2011 | 1 Comment

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part… you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

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Three Years Old

Three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?”

She replied, “I’m having a baby.”

With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”

She answered, “He sure is.”

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?”

She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, “Then why did you eat him?”

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