Heavenly Soul

Singh died, and went to heaven.When he received the pearly Saint-Peter told him that the new rules were in force on the Earth; whereas the development of training to prospective he heavenly soul in order to obtain a dynamic must correspond to the two questions:

1. the Name of two weeks from the day that start with the "T".
2. how many seconds is a year?

Singh, thought of a few minutes and answered …

1. within a period of two weeks beginning with "T" in the days of the date of today and tomorrow.
2.12 concerned are seconds per year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I buy today and tomorrow, to respond to.even if it does not conform to the expectations of the vastausMutta how did you get 12 seconds in a year? "
Singh replied, "Well, 2 February part-session in January., 2., 2.March, etc "

Saint Peter gives him without another word.

 

Ole and Clarence

Ole lived across River from Clarence who he didn’t like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other.

Ole would yell to Clarence, “If I had a vay to cross dis river, I’d come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!”

This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole’s wife, Lena, says, “Now is you chance, Ole, vhy don’t you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you volud?”

Ole says, “OK, by yimmy I tink I vill do yust dat” Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge an he stops to read it, then he turns around and comes back home.

Lena asked, “vhy did you come back?”

Ole said, “Lena, I tink I change my mind ’bout beatin’ up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says “Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in.” You know, he don’t look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river”

Japanese Women vs Chinese Women

1.Japanese women often teach their children to bravely fight the forces of evil, and even if they lose, it is still infinitely glorious, the highest honor.

Chinese women often teach their children that when they encounter the forces of evil they must be good at hiding/running away/avoiding. They say that God will punish them [the forces of evil].

2.Japanese women believe Japan is the world’s greatest country.
Chinese women usually believe that the moon may be rounder abroad ["the grass is greener"].

3.Japanese women usually believe marrying foreigners is a kind of disgrace.
Chinese women usually feel that marrying foreigners is a kind of infinite glory.

4.Japanese women are normally lady-like, but dirty in bed.
Many Chinese women are lady-like in bed, but dirty out of bed.

5.Most Japanese women abide by the rules of a woman, supporting her husband, raising her children, dutifully.
China is the world’s number one country for one-night stands and extramarital affairs.

6.Japanese women are almost all very filial, seeing their mother-in-law as their own mother.
Most Chinese women are all too eager for their mother-in-law to quickly die.

7.Japanese wives treat their husbands with encouragement and concern. Returning home late at night exhausted at the end of a day, the wife will say “you’ve had a tough day.”
Chinese wives treat their husbands with complaints and scolding. Returning home late at night exhausted at the end of a day, the wife will roar “where the hell did you go this time?”

8.Most young Japanese girls will find a man who is around their age to marry, and make a life with him together.
Young Chinese girls always find a wealthy “old” man, and don’t mind even being his Nth mistress/wife.

9.Japanese mothers teach their daughters to look after their husbands, and diligently be filial to her parents-in-law.
Chinese mothers teach their daughters that they must keep firm control of all the man’s assets.

10.Japanese women can tolerate men without money [poor men], but definitely cannot tolerate cowardly and weak men.
Chinese women can tolerate cowardly and weak men, but definitely cannot tolerate men without money.

11.Japanese women see manly men as the most charming men.
Chinese women see manly men as male chauvinists.

12.Most Japanese women are very lenient towards men’s infidelity.
Most Chinese women are very lenient towards their own infidelity.

13.Japanese women almost never say bad things about Japanese men in public or in the media.
Chinese women always loudly curse and mock Chinese men on various media.

14.The first words of Japanese women on their wedding night is: “If I do not look after/service you well tonight, please be forgiving.”
The first words of Chinese women on their wedding night is: “Hurry and see how much money was received today.”

Jerome is Dead

At the same time, walking Home from work one day, Frank saw the weeping uncontrollably woman. "What is wrong?" He asked around his shoulders, place the independent. "It is a horrible," he said, "only a horrible — Jerome is dead!" Feeling was a little he could do, Frank has walked on the occasional ' off day '. A few minutes later, he came upon the second woman crying hysterically. "Jerome is dead!" she screamed as she should be staggered over the past. Extension of the road, in the eyes of Frank came upon the sickening: man big Bear lay down on the road truck wheels below. The effect of force was copied from the man's clothes off and a lot of Frank's surprise, the man was more than a foot long penis.There were several surrounds him screaming, women ' "Jerome is dead!" Jerome is dead! " When I was in his house, he said to his wife "Honey, did not believe what I have just seen. The man was the top of the road, characterized by the Government as — and he was a member of the own funds of at least 14 inches."" Sweet Jesus, "he said," Jerome is dead? "

Scrubbing Bulkheads

I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced:

“Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Dis- continue all unnecessary work.”

An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement:

“Resume all unnecessary work.”

Killer Jigsaw Puzzle

Jazzmin O'Shea blonde accountant calls her boyfriend, and says, "Please come over here and help me …I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and it is unclear how it started. "

Ask for her boyfriend, "what it should be, when it is ready?" Says blonde, "box, the picture is tiger.

Her boyfriend decides to go and help the puzzle. He gives him and show him, if he has spread to the entire table the puzzle.
He studies the parts of a moment, then the box will be reviewed in the event of a change in him, and then says, "first of all, regardless of what we do, we can assemble these does not take into account anything like Tiger." Secondly, I inform you can relax after a busy day. The next step is to have a cup of coffee, then … … … … … …. lets put at the disposal of all of these deep frozen in the form of flakes, back to the box.

Last night!!!

As I lay on my bed, thinking of you, I think this strong urge to Grab and squeeze, because you can not forget last night.

You can unexpectedly came to me in the night and the balmy and calm what happened to my bed still leave indication in me.

You can never täyttyvässä and seemed, shamelessly, without reservations, you can use on my naked body … you I felt my indifference, so began to bite my body without guilt or humiliation, and you've driven me crazy while we sucked dry.

Finally, I went to sleep.

Today, when I woke up, you've been gone, I have looked for you but the absurd, only for the tables in the bore witness to the events of last night.

My body is still your own trade marks, making it harder to forget.

This evening is still awake waiting for you … as soon you can quickly Grab and display, you can not let go, organize with all my power, so you will not be lost.

Squeeze the blood out … until will not export ... You can use the friggin' mosquito!

KILTED CAGE BIRD

American tourists stood outside the highland Castle, Edinburgh standing guard at the State-of-the-art Visual staring.

A few minutes, he went up the sentry and asked, "you've always wanted to know what is passed in accordance with the kilt".

The Sentry replied: "there is nothing to wear out, gravel, Mrs. kantoosi, its all complete end-to-use condition".

Lessons from Noah’s Ark

Plan ahead… It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.

Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

Don’t listen to critics- do what has to be done.

Build on high ground.

For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

Two heads are better than one.

Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board but… so were the snails.

If you can’t fight or flee—float!!

Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on Earth.

Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat.

When things get really deep, don’t sit there and complain– shovel!!!

Stay below deck during the storm.

Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

Don’t miss the boat.

No matter how bleak it looks, there’s always a rainbow on the horizon.

Letter from the gods

After having been ordered by God to take the explanation of how the man was doing in the world, the St. Peter stood ready to present his findings to his boss.

"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found? God asked.

"I am very sorry to have to tell, but behave as sinful. Drugs, alcohol, murders, and SODOM Gomorrah – on a regular basis. But worse is this new requirement, the authority of the oral sex. In my country according to the study, 88% of the population, makes it four out of five dentists. even the doctors have recommended it I am afraid, it has reached the proportions of the epidermic.

"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "you have, what must be done to put an end to the recommendations of the sexual perversion?"

"I think we can send the message to all the Earth, which are engaged in oral sex. St. Peter responded to the message content should tell exactly what will happen to them, in the judgement, which, if they stop this type of ".

"That is an effective solution," God, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Is expected to send a letter to me, personally, that is, each signed by such persons and bearing the consequences thereof.

And thus they did. Do you know what the letter said?

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So the letters received, either?

Life in the 16th century

The next time the customer washing hands and because the water temperature is not just about how you want it, ask yourself how things used to complain about. The following is some information about 1500:

Most people got married in June of each year, because they took a bath in May and the next month still smelled pretty good. So they had to pahanhajuinen begins with the brides bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Therefore, a custom made today, that you're getting married.

Plastic baths consisted of a large tub filled with hot water. Superintendent was nice clean water a priority, then, all the other boys and men, then women, children, and finally – the last of the all-for babies. Then the water was so dirty, someone might actually Get it! Thus, by saying, "don't throw the baby with the bathwater."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw fire piled high, not the tree. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all of the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, became slippery and sometimes the animals out of the packing slip and the roof. Thus, said, "it's raining cats and dogs."

There was no falling prey to put an end to the House, because these things. This results in a bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up the nice clean Bed to be a real problem. Therefore, Bed sheet, and large messages, which is more than some of the protection of being at the beginning. It is, how treetop Cofira beds cover.

The floors were dirt and only the wealthy had something other than dirt, which became a saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had the roofing that would get slippery in the winter the floors in the wet, so they spread thresh (straw) to secure their obligations the floor. As the winter wore, they kept adding more thresh until when the door is open, it all Start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed to prevent this, and so on (a) the use of the word entranceway "thresh hold."

These old days, they cooked in the kitchen, which is a big Kettle that always the way during a fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and not get much meat. They eat the stew to the village, leaving leftovers for a pot of cold overnight and then start the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it, which has existed for some time. Thus the rhyme "Peas Porridge hot, peas Porridge cold, peas Porridge in the pot, nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which they feel quite special. When guests came, they hang up their show with the bacon. It was a sign of wealth, that the man "could bring the bacon home." They cut a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "given the need to chew the fat."

Where is the money was made from pewter plates. Food with a high acid content caused some of the leading uuttua of lead in food processing plants and causing the death of the page. This happened most often in the case of tomatoes, for the next 400 years or so, so, tomatoes were poisonous.

The body was to divide the space. Workers received a loaf from the bottom, the family got burnt in the middle of the guests got to the top, and the "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. Sometimes the combination of a couple of days for knockouts. Someone walking down the road they should take to prepare for the burial of the dead, and the. They were in the kitchen table and a couple of days, the family gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they wake up. Thus, the single "wake up", adapted from.

English is an old and small, and began seriously to local places to bury users. So they dig up coffins and taken to the bones "of the bone House" and the reuse of the trench. Once again, the coffins, coffins, 25 1 was found to be out on the inside of the marks and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought, they bind to the string bracelets, leads it to his body through the surface of the ground and in the last over the top, and the road to Bell. Someone would have to sit on the graveyard all night ("graveyard shift"), can listen to the bell; Therefore, someone could be "saved by the bell" or "was considered a dead ringer."

Letter to my dogs

Good dogs,

When I say move, it means to go someplace else, switch positions with each other, so the two dogs are as yet.

Paw print are your dishes and containing food. My, my other dishes of food inside. Note in, placing the paw in the middle of my plate in block letters and cards, the requirement of the food, and food and it becoming a dish and find that aesthetically pleasing to the eye, 16 3.

Stairway is not designed for NASCAR and is not a racetrack. The final match for me, the bottom is not an object. Tripping me doesn't help, because the fall faster than you can run.

I can buy any of the larger size of King bed. I am very sorry about this. I think I still sleep on the sofa in order to ensure a high level of comfort. When would you like to stay at the sleeping dogs to search the videos, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, to the extent possible, be stretched. I also know that sticking tails straight outside and to the other end of the stamping out of disk space used to enlarge the hanging is not nothing, but the doggy Sarcasm.

CDs are not a small Frisbees.

The last time is not a secret exit from the Customs Office in the bathroom. If some of the miracle to win, you get the door Shut, and manage, which do not have to claw, whine, you can try to turn the knob, or get a paw in the door and try to drag the edge of the open. At the same time, the door will stop is written. In addition, I have used the bathroom, in the canine's participation is not mandatory.

Kiss me in the right order is then go to the other dogs in the butt of smell. This cannot be stressed enough. It is a simple change for you.

While Respecting The
Embarrassed owner

Little Old Lady tremor

One day, the little old lady walked into sex-shop. The young officer was unable to help, but his declaration, first, because he reminded him of his dear old grandma, and secondly, because he was trembling and twitching violently, even more than his grandmother had.

"Young, m-m-m-a man?" he stammered, notary public, "you sell v-v-hieromalaitteet here?"

"Yes, we do kantoosi," he replied a bit embarrassed.

"B-B-b-a large fl-fl-fluorescent Ai-ai-Orange created?" asked the old lady.

"Yes, we have some kantoosi like."

"T-t-type data in s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-a long time?"

"Yes, we got kantoosi almost any size, it is a good idea," said the young clerk.

"K, the same that the t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D cell b-b-b-b batteries?"

"Yes, we run some than the kantoosi."

"No, c-t s, could you tell me how the h-h-hell you turn it off?"

Lessons Learned from Geese

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 15, 2012 | No Comments

When you look to the sky this fall and see the geese migrating South, remember the following:

When you see geese flying in a “V” formation, you might be interested in knowing what scientists have discovered about why they fly that way.

FACT: As each bird flaps its wings it creates an uplift for the bird immediately following. By flying in a “V” formation, the whole flock adds at least 71 percent greater flying range than if each bird flew on its own.

TRUTH: People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they are going quicker and easier because they are traveling on the trust of one another.

2. FACT: Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to go it alone and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird immediately in front.

TRUTH: There is strength and power and safety in numbers when traveling in the same direction with whom we share a common goal.

3. FACT: When the lead goose gets tired, he rotates back in the wing and another goose flies point.

TRUTH: It pays to take turns doing hard jobs.

4. FACT: The geese honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.

TRUTH: We all need to be remembered with active support and praise.

5. FACT: When a goose gets sick or is wounded and falls out, two geese fall out of formation and follow him down to help and protect him. They stay with him until the crisis resolves, and then they launch out on their own or with another formation to catch up with their group.

TRUTH: We must stand by each other in times of need.

View the original article here

The Vision…

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 11, 2012 | No Comments

“Psychics” are big on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast, just north of the state capital, Brisbane. Other Australians regard the area as the Deep North, the antipodean equivalent of the USAs Deep South.

A local radio station carried an evening program in which a “psychic” appeared regularly. The usual flummery – calls from listeners (usually younger women) wanting forecasts of their love-lives, jobs, happiness etc., followed by confident replies from the “psychic” together with supportive clucking noises from the credulous anchor entity. Then the “psychic” made a classic blooper:

Caller: “Will I meet someone?”

Psychic: “Yes of course you will, darling. I see you dancing – you dance so well! – and meeting that man and dancing through life together, you know what I mean?”

Caller: “But I’m confined to a wheelchair…”

View the original article here

Maintenance costs

Employee: New Joinee is to get a lot more then most of us the correct way to deal with is the old property?

Employer: Our employees are the company's assets, but remember that the depreciation of assets, as a result, we are also a time for new. greater cost and the parents in order to reduce the cost of maintenance.

Mass Hysteria

Victoria University, Wellington, New Zealand, a Professor of clinical psychology are included in the crowd psychology lecture on his annual rate. To illustrate, a hallucination, he showed regularly on the TV News footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles in the 1960s, the local airport of 's.

One of the year, when he carried out the material, he consulted the squeals and Laughter bursts from his students. When the movie ended, he asked what had caused the hilarity.

Responded to one of the students, "We recognize some of our mothers!"

Millionaire

John on "who wants to be a millionaire (a)-is the" Regis Philbin.

Regis, "John, are you up to $ 500,000 with the left one life cycle: a friend on the phone. If you can get the correct, the next question is the one million dollars. If you can get is wrong, you can drop back to $ 32, 000. Are you ready? "

John, The "Yes".

Regis, "the following birds does build your own nest? Is IT A) robin, B), (C)), the Cuckoo sparrow or in the pigeon (D)). "

John, "I would like to phone a friend. I would like to call Mary. "

Mary responds to the call: "Hello?"

Regis, "Hello Mary, it is the Regis Philbin who wants to be a millionaire. I have a friend who needs your help here, John a million dollar question. You hear the next sound is John "s" … "

John, Mary, "following the birds to build your own nest? Is IT A) robin, B), (C)), the Cuckoo sparrow or in the pigeon (D)). "

Mary, "" Oh, John. That is simple. Is Cuckoo. "

John: "are you sure?"

Mary, "I am sure."

Regis, "you heard from Mary. Whether you need $ 500,000, or play a million? "

John, "I want to play; I go to c), the cuckoo. "

Regis, "is the final answer?"

John, The "Yes".

Regis ' "are you sure?"

John ", Yes; I think Mary's quite a smart tag. "

Regis, "You said you have and the Cuckoo), (C) the right! Congratulations you have just won a million dollars! "

John flies to celebrate, Mary, New York. That night, they go to the city. They are adapting, John, Mary, and asking him, "tell me, how did you know that build your own nest was a Cuckoo?"

"That is the easy, everybody knows, they live clocks."

Marriage Problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife said, “Seven weeks.”

Buying Fabric

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 16, 2012 | No Comments

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.

View the original article here

Broken Engagement

Dear Marty,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren’t really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.

I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can’t learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely, Your future father-in-law.

P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery!

Mother-in-Law

John was a bar to search very dejected.

His friend, Steve, walked and asked, "what is wrong?"

"It is my's mother-in-law," John replied to shake his head sadly, at the same time. "I have his real problem. "

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their's mother-in-law. "

"Yeah," John replied. "But I got my pregnant. "

Moral

The teacher gave his fifth-grade class assignment: get their parents to tell them a story moral at the end of it. Children came back and one at a time, with a friendly alarm call the next began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. Once we were taking our market basket of eggs retrieval front seat when we hit the road with bump, and all the eggs went flying and broke it, and bring into force the mess. "

"And what is the story of the moral?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all eggs in one basket!"

"Very good", said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers. But we raise the chickens meat on the market. We had a dozen eggs at one time, but once they hatched we live day-old chicks other than of only ten. "And of the morale of the story is, don't count your chickens until you have hatched."

"It was a wonderful story of Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share? "

"Yes, Ms., my father told me the story of my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob had a green Beretin in Vietnam and his helicopter was hit. He had a crash in the territory of the country, and he was an enemy was the Whiskey, the machine gun and ancient weapons of the bottle. He drank how whisky in such a way that it does not break, and then he landed right in the middle of the 100 enemy. He killed the seventy of the machine gun with until he has ran out of bullets, then he killed the 23rd with more ancient weapons before the blade broke and then he dies with the last ten naked hands. "

"Good heavens," said horrified teacher "what type of moral your father tell the story of that terrible?"

"Do not fuck with Uncle Bob when she drinking."

Mother Dictionary

Bottle feeding: opportunities to get up at 2 am too Daddy.

Defence: what you should do a better job of approximately de yard if you plan to play outside children's Anna.

Drooling: how four babies washed their chins.

Dumbwaiter: one that asks, if your child care to order dessert.

Family planning: the art of children's proper spacing distance between the edge of economic catastrophe, for safe keeping

Feedback: the inevitable result of baby carrots, not when the chances are good now.

Full name: what do you call your child while you are in him mad.

Grandparents: people who think children is wonderful, even though they are sure that you do not bring them to the right.

Toddlers Hearsay: what to do when anyone mutters for Word.

A woman whose work Impregnable: memory is still vivid.

Independent: how we want to be of equal duration with the lastemme all we say.

Search: what it is too late for your child do not shout it by time.

Prenatal: when your life was still a certain amount of their own.

In the event of a conflict between the place of birth: Preprared, measured in purchasing power.

Puddle: small body of water, making use of the other wearing a dry shoes small establishments.

Show: the child is more talented than yours.

Sterilise by half in instalments: what to do first baby pacifier by boiling it, and the last baby pacifier blows it.

Cans: distance, supermarket aisles between the necessary so that the children do not have access to shopping in the cleaning carts quite nothing.

Temper tantrums: what does as much as possible in order to keep the children become Upset.

Top bunk: Where should never put a child wearing a Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: when the baby's face turns red and he begins to make these familiar grunting sounds.

Understand: Able whine in words

None of the Whodunit: children who reside in the economy.

Whoops: exclamation point that translates roughly to "get a sponge."

Missing school

Posted on the date of the joke | 15. November 2011 | There are no comments

The local high school is a policy that the parents have to call the school, if the student has to be out of date. Alice decides to skip school and go to the mall with her Friends. So he waited until his parents had gone to work and is known as a school.

"Hello, I am calling a report that Alice cannot make it to school today because he is sick."

Secretary for the high school was, "I'm sorry to hear that. His Absence Note. Who's calling Please? "

"This is my mother."

View the original article here

Worm Experiment

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol – Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation – What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
“As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

View the original article here

Ways to Confuse Santa

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 9, 2012 | No Comments

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. ” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa.”

Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

View the original article here

New language

The European Commission has just informed agreement, in which English is the OFFICIAL CAMPAIGN PARTNERS RECEIVE CERTIFICATE FROM EU-rather than-Germany, which was the official language of opportunity. As part of the negotiations, the Government of Her Majesty from the English spelling was room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan, known as the "Euro-English".

In the first year of the "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, the staff of the jump with joy in her make the sivil. A hard "c" for the benefit of the "k" is deleted. This should klear konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There should be growing publik enthusiasm sekond year when uncomfortable "ph", "f" is replaced by the. This makes the words such as "fotograf" 20% shorter.

3Rd year, publik akseptanse new spelling kan be ekspekted, where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments are enkorage double letters, which have always ben a deterent akurate speling. In addition, al wil agre of the language of the silent "e" s is a horible disgraseful of claims for market economy status, and they should go away.

Wil be fourth year peopl reseptiv activities, such as replasing "th", "z" and "w", "v". Ze fifz during the year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd vords kontaining "ou" and the corresponding changes to aplid vud kors ozer kombinations leters.

After the zis fifz yer ya-ya's out!, ve vil hav reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil is mor trubl or difikultis, and evrivun vil find ezi understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak ze world!

New stewardess

The Jumbo jet has just ignored the Pearson Airport (Toronto), the final approach. The pilot phase will be over the intercom.

"This is the caption for Johnson. We have our final descent into Toronto. I would like to thank the flying with us today, and I hope that you enjoy your stay in Toronto. "

He forgets to shut down the intercom. Now the entire level may hear the conversation in the cockpit. Co says in the Pilot,

"Watcha gonna do Well skipper Toronto?

Now all ears listening to this conversation on a plane.

"No," says the times.This declaration must be made, "the first I ever check your hotel and take the Crap. Then I'll have you out of that new stewardess supper, you know, is a huge tits. I'm never gonna wine and dine her, her back to my room and fuck her all night. "

All of the plane to try to get a new look at the stewardess.

He is so embarrassed that he runs off to try and back to the Cockpit plane intercom. The middle of the aisle, he trips over the old lady on the bag and down she goes.

Old lady leans over and says, "you do not need to perform a dear, he's gotta take the shit first!"

Noise …

My wife has spoken to me within three days. I think it has something to do with what happened when he thought he heard a noise downstairs Sunday evening.

He nudged me and whispered, "wake up, wake up!"

"What is the matter?" I Asked.

Burglars in the kitchen. " I think they did today Kumakain tuna casserole. "

"That'll teach them!" I Replied To.

Murphy's laws and the actual

Posted on daily joke | June 21, 2011 | There are no comments

1. everyone has a photographic memory. Some of the film does not exist.

2. He who sees the last, i.e., the slowest.

3. to date, without Sun is like, well, that night.

4. changes are inevitable, with the exception of those from automatic vending machines-to your computer.

5. back up your hard disks? How to publish it in reverse?

6. I just got lost in thought. It was well-known in the area.

7. when the chips down, the Buffalo is empty.

8. Saw it all, done it all. For the most part, it will not be able to remember.

9. those who live by the sword to get a shot of them, who do not.

10. I feel like I am the diagonally parked in parallel universe.

11. He is not dead. He has challenged electroencephalographically.

12. He is always late. In fact, his ancestors arrived in "juneflower."

13. the customer has the right to remain silent. Anything you can say, and used against you misquoted.

14. I wonder how much deeper into the ocean, would be without sponges.

15. If you love peace and quiet honk.

16. Red prisoners, my driving, I'm reloading.

17. in spite of the cost of living, you've noticed how the remains so popular?

18. There is not a sufficiently talented fool become comfortable.

19. it is difficult to understand how the cemetery burial expenses and higher cost of living ... blame on

20 but remember, if it had not, in the light of the seriousness of the we all deserved.

21. a 50-50-90 rule: at any time when you have a 50-50 chance to get something right, has a probability of 90% you get wrong.

22. it should be noted that you can align all the cars in the world of the end, if someone would be stupid enough to try and pass it.

23. do you have any. Where would you put it?

24. a Recent study shows that 3 of 4 people make up 75 percent of the world's population.

25. where the NET can hold, as well as the other., obtained

26. in the Cases that come to them, which is expected to be those that were not first things.

27. to give a man a fish and he will eat one day. Teach a man to fish and he is sitting in front of the boat, all the days of consumption.

28. for the purpose of the Document: the flashlight holding dead batteries.

29. the Shin bone is a device used to searching for the furniture.

30. in this case, the fine on the VAT incorrectly. The tax is a very fine.

31. it last was found to cause cancer in rats research,.

32. Everybody is located, but it does not matter, because nobody listens.

33. I wish all stopped here, such as Peter buck, could use a few.

34. I started empty and still is the biggest part of it.

35. when the Court of first instance itself, you grant to go, 12 to a person who is not clever enough to get in the hands of the force majeure.

36. in the Light travels faster than sound. For this reason, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

View the original article here

Marriage Problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife said, “Seven weeks.”

Marriage is Bliss…

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 9, 2011 | No Comments

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”

A lady inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Husband Wanted”. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.”

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Young son: “Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: “That happens in every country, son.”

Then there was a woman who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.”

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy: “My wife’s an angel!” Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

View the original article here

Worm Experiment

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol – Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation – What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
“As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

Ways to Confuse Santa

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. ” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa.”

Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

The Vision…

“Psychics” are big on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast, just north of the state capital, Brisbane. Other Australians regard the area as the Deep North, the antipodean equivalent of the USAs Deep South.

A local radio station carried an evening program in which a “psychic” appeared regularly. The usual flummery – calls from listeners (usually younger women) wanting forecasts of their love-lives, jobs, happiness etc., followed by confident replies from the “psychic” together with supportive clucking noises from the credulous anchor entity. Then the “psychic” made a classic blooper:

Caller: “Will I meet someone?”

Psychic: “Yes of course you will, darling. I see you dancing – you dance so well! – and meeting that man and dancing through life together, you know what I mean?”

Caller: “But I’m confined to a wheelchair…”