Sleeping Dog

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 12, 2011 | No Comments

One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog’s collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out.

The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “We have ten children. He’s trying to catch up on his sleep.”

View the original article here

Sanana

My husband, and often the spelling of words, so that our little children do not understand what we wish. What this had become one of the day, when my husband and were in the grocery store aisle soup habit of does not understand. Aggressive young woman banged on our shopping cart, then nudged me over my cooking to prevent access. Angry, I looked, my husband and said, ' boy, is he r-u-d-e! "

"Yeah," he replied, "and the bet, he or she may, s-p-e-l-l".

School notes

These are real notes written by old Mississippi School District. (Spelling is left intact.)

My son is a doctor's care and should not avl today. Run him.

Forgive Lisa for the time being absent. He was sick, and had him shot.

In the absence of a good school: Please ekscuse John, January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33

I apologize to Roland, the avl for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of the tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had his face two teeth.

Chris is a school of which he is on his side for the cus layer Acre.

Sorry Jimmy for the time being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because he had to go Christmas shopping, because I do not know what she used to size.

I apologize to Jennifer is missing school yesterday. We have forgotten to turn off the porch, and when we found the paper on Sunday it Monday, we thought it was a Sunday.

Maryann was out of the December 11-16, because he had a fever, throat pain, headache and upset stomach. His sister was also sick, swine fever and throat pain, his brother was a low grade fever and Roach all over. I would be the best either, throat and swine fever. Must be something going around, her father was even hot last night.

Thinking “Out of the Box”

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 11, 2011 | No Comments

Many hundreds of years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant’s beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the merchant’ debt if he could marry the merchant’s daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. The cunning money lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she would become the moneylender’s wife and her father’s debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father’s debt would still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the merchant’s garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant’s garden. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl’s dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking.

Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers.

What would you recommend the girl do?

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

“Oh, how clumsy of me,” she said. “But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked.”

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Most complex problems do have a solution, sometimes we have to think about them in a different way.

View the original article here

Singapore Fellowship and Australian merge to create award-fifth of the world

Joint statement said the agreement would create a platform extended for global opportunities in the Asia-Pacific region, the recovery of the world driver clients its worst recession since the 1930s.

Cash and shares offer should be completed in the second quarter of 2011 subject to regulatory approval, the values of the ASX A $48 per share, or a $ 8, a premium of nearly 40pc last price traded.

Magnus Bocker, Executive Director SGX to become Chief Executive of the combined group, said that "by 2020, in less than 10 years from now, more than half of global GDP be in Asia-Pacific region."

"This is an opportunity we can't let go," he said at a press conference.

In terms of total number of inscriptions, ASX - SGX will exceed Tokyo to become the largest second list in the Asia-Pacific region after Bombay, offering more than 2,700 undertakings with more than 20 countries, including 200 of greater China, said the joint statement.

Merged exchanges will provide also access to the institutional investor base outside United States with active combined under valued at 2.3 trillions of dollars, including money from sovereign wealth funds management.

"There is no doubt it's a combination of point of repère.Nous try acting ahead of the curve to be proactive in a rapidly changing world" said Mr. Bocker.

The Wall Street Journal said the merger could create an approximately 1.9 billion market.

"At the end of the day, this combination is not only on the synergies of coût.Il is really on strategically makes us an Exchange much stronger together and positioning we grow in Asia, said the Wai Kwong, Director financial SGX Seck.".

The agreement seems likely to address certain regulatory issues in Australia as Singapore Government is a major shareholder in SGX, but stock exchange officials expected to major obstacles.

"I think that we would have announced it if we do not believe that approval would be forthcoming,", said Robert Elstone, Managing Director and CEO of ASX.

Australian competition and Consumer Commission (ACCC), Graeme Samuel said "I think it's an issue between the Exchange and Singapore Australia Exchange and I do not see that raise competition issues for us," President according to the public broadcaster ABC.

The announcement comes as the ASX is on the verge of losing its monopoly long Australia after the Government gave the go-ahead for rival to implement part exchanges.

SGX President-elect Chew Choon Seng is likely to become the non-Executive Chairman of the entity merged while ASX President David Gonski should become Deputy Chairman.

The combined group will have 1,100 employees and an international jury with 15 directors of five countries.

Something in your hand?

As part of the pub, Belfast paddy Murphy search as he had just been taken over by a train. His arms are at the ends of the sling, his nose is broken, his face cut and bruised, and he is walking with a limp.

"What happened to you? asks Sean bartender.

Paddy "Jamie O Conner and me had to fight." says.

"That little shit," says Sean o' Conner "that he could not do for you, he has been assigned common vulnerability and exposure was something in his hand."

"He made. says paddy "bucket is what he had, and he gave me a terrible licken with it"

Says "and" Sean, "you should have to defend yourself, right in your hand was something you don't?"

"That I did," said Paddy … "Mrs. O Conner chest and the case was postponed, the beauty, but useless."

Sleeping Dog

One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog’s collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out.

The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “We have ten children. He’s trying to catch up on his sleep.”

Tips For Health and Enjoy Life With Short Jokes

Health is the necessity for all human beings. You can not enjoy anything until you are fit and fine. There is very strong relation between good health and happiness. If you are sad and tensed, you can not maintain good health. So there are some ideas which enable you to be happy for the sake of your health with smile and laughter.

When I am talking about health, it does not only mean physical health, it also refers to mental health. Rather mental health is much more important for us. So there are some important steps to keep yourself mentally healthy:-

o Do not take the things very personally.

o Make a habit of reading good and motivational books.

o Take necessary vitamins to make your mind sharp.

o Do not sit idle, keep on doing something creative.

o Have a dose of laughter through funny material and be relaxed.

o Keep your work up to date.

o Keep yourself busy and do not take part in controversial matters.

So now you came to know that how to make yourself mentally healthy. But after taking care of your mental health, take step to make yourself physically fit. We can do all work successfully with healthy body, so It needs to be taken care. You can follow below mentioned steps to make yourself physically strong:-

o Always avoid alcohol, it is protoplasmic poison.

o Add fresh fruits and green vegetable in your routine diet.

o Take 8-10 glass clean water in a day.

o Get up early in the morning and go for a walk.

o You should not talk too much on cell phone; its radiation may cause your brain.

These are the basics to maintain your health. Above all you should try to adopt good sense of humor. You should laugh a lot in a day. There are lots of short jokes which help to bring laughter on our faces. It is really good for your health. So enjoy life with short jokes. I am sure that if we follow all these steps than health is only few step away. We can enjoy our life with good health only. One can play short jokes and pranks to make life interesting and most enjoyable.

So improve your health with laughter through Short Jokes and go ahead in life with Short Quotes.

Something for Christmas

Posted on Day joke | 27. November 2010 | No Comments

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves to enter the Kingdom of heaven is expected to be at the pearly Gates. [1] [2] they are told that they must be something in the "Christmassy".In order to have.

The first man finds his pocket and find some pine needles in the family Christmas tree.He let it.

Second man presents at the bow, and some Ribbon, starting from the present, which was opened earlier that night., he also so permits.

The third man pulls off a pair of panties.

Confused with this last movement is, St. Peter asks, "How can these represent Christmas?"

To which he replies, "Oh, they're Carol n."

View the original article here

Thinking “Out of the Box”

Many hundreds of years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant’s beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the merchant’ debt if he could marry the merchant’s daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. The cunning money lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she would become the moneylender’s wife and her father’s debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father’s debt would still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the merchant’s garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant’s garden. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl’s dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking.

Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers.

What would you recommend the girl do?

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

“Oh, how clumsy of me,” she said. “But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked.”

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Most complex problems do have a solution, sometimes we have to think about them in a different way.

Dog for Protection

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, “He doesn’t like men.”

“Perfect,” my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear the the trainer wasn’t kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

The Blonde

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” answered the blonde.”They’re watch dogs!”

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story. A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, “It really works!”

Spelling mistake

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 9. February 2011 | There are no comments

One spelling mistake destroy your life!

The husband, his wife wrote a message on the occasion of their official trip and forgot to add the "e" at the end of the word …

"I have a wonderful time! His wish was ...! "

View the original article here

English School

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 9, 2011 | No Comments

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.

“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”

“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?”

“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

View the original article here

The Blonde

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 5, 2011 | No Comments

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” answered the blonde.”They’re watch dogs!”

View the original article here

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story. A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, “It really works!”

School Notes

These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

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Running Errands

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 8, 2011 | No Comments

Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn’t especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general “go-fer” at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.

He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.

“Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.”

“Good,” Freddie said. “Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”

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The Afternoon Quickie

Posted a day in the life of a joke | April 2, 2011 | There are no comments

Bill and Marla, decided that the only way for a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old boy was sent to him in the Park at the apartment and balcony and commits to report on the activities of the network environment.

The boy started his narration to his parents in their plan
the action.

"No parking lot car towed," he said.

"Ambulánsiya just drove over."

A moment passed.

"Displays such as the Andersons is a company," he called

"Matt's Riding a mountain bike"

"Coopers are having sex."

MOM and dad shot the bed.

"What you know that?" säikähdys the father commanded.

"The boy is standing and the balcony too," his son replied.

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The argument

Abe, David and Bernard were best friends but also top doctors in the neighbourhood.One day, they were out walking Golders Green, when they saw this little old Jewish man, walking rather strangely he is hunched over. [1] [2] on the one side, he is dragging his right leg and he has a hand in his lower back.

Abe says, "it's Peritonitis."

David says, "is an orthopaedic problem, flat beams and chondromalacia patellae touch."
Bernard says, "is the nerve-irritation level 5 level."

They argue somewhat and then decide to go and ask for the old man, in his issue is they do just. Thus it.

The man replies "Constituent. ICH HOTPLATES GEVOLT GEBBEN A FURZT HOTPLATES ICH INGEMACHT IN DER HOYSEN"
(You are all wrong. I thought that I was about to fart when I did my pants instead of)

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The best out-of-Office-Declaration

1: I am currently out of a job interview and responds to you, if not to see.

2: I am not really gone. I have just ignored.

3: you receive an automatic notification because I'm away.If I was, the possibilities are you did not receive any at all.

4: Is missed we are sorry, but I have to take my turn so that I can contribute to the management of the brain doctors,

5: you can remove all unread, worthless emails that you send to me, until I moved from vacation 4/18. hold down the mail will be removed from the patient and in the order it was received.

6: thank you for your e-mail address, your credit card has been charged $. first ten words 5.99 and $ 1.99 Adds a Word to the message.

7: the mail server does not check the server connection and will not be able to deliver this message. restart your computer and try sending again."
(This beauty is, when you return, you will be able to see how many,-du-viduals did over and over).

8: thank you for the message, which has been added to the queuing system. [1] [2] and is currently in place can be expected for the 352nd response around 19 weeks.

9: Hi I am thinking about what you are ... just sent me according to My computer. wait for the response.

10: Hello! I am busy with my new job when it comes to negotiating salary. do not bother to go me messages.

11 different: you have run away to join the circus.
AND FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

12: I'm going to be absent in the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When can I return, please refer to me as Loretta, if instead of "John"

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Undocumented Windows Errors

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 16, 2011 | No Comments

*WinErr: 001 Windows loaded – System in danger

*WinErr: 002 No Error – Yet

*WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error – Your mistake is now in every file

*WinErr: 004 Erroneous error – Nothing is wrong

*WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted – System confused

*WinErr: 006 Malicious error – Disk view found on drive

*WinErr: 007 System price error – Inadequate money spent on hardware

*WinErr: 008 Broken window – Watch out for glass fragments

*WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered – No one knows what has happened

*WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow – Mailbox full

*WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space – Free at least 500MB

*WinErr: 00C Memory hog error – More Ram needed. More! More! More!

*WinErr: 00D Window closed – Do not look outside

*WinErr: 00E Window open – Do not look inside

*WinErr: 00F Unexplained error – Please tell us how this happened

*WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers

*WinErr: 011 Window open – Do not look outside

*WinErr: 012 Window closed – Do not look inside

*WinErr: 013 Unexpected error – Huh ?

*WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked – Try anything you can think of.

*WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error – System has been destroyed.
Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.

*WinErr: 019 User error – Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

*WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten – Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.

*WinErr: 01B Illegal error – You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that

*WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error – Uncertainty may be inadequate.

*WinErr: 01D System crash – We are unable to figure out our own code.

*WinErr: 01E Timing error – Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

*WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers

*WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes – Remaining errors will be lost.

*WinErr: 042 Virus error – A virus has been activated in a dos- box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.

*WinErr: 079 Mouse not found – A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

*WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow – Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.

*WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

*WinErr: 683 Time out error – Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure

*WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory – Only 580,312,583 Bytes available

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The birth of the youngest child in the order: Satire from

Posted on Day joke | 18. December 2010 | No Comments

My wife and I are the youngest child. Our experience shows that combines your own than parents and we are talking about how things change the more children is often satirically:

Feel the baby Move

The first child: I placed my hand, my wive stomach, I could it is expected that for the first time, when I think every two months, could the baby to move. Hours in the hours I waited until the moment when the magic, I felt, in the context of this little movement. All of our family, we are called to tell them blessed experience.

Second child: when it first happened, my wife called me at the Office. I quickly ran to the home page, and seemed to move to the baby. We have experience in all of us a letter accompanied by our family.

The third child: he told me the baby moved. I told him to check it to us during the next commercial break. I have missed, because his mother to call from your phone, so I went on the night of the Monday night watching the football. By the end of the third quarter, finally move baby, I felt.

The fourth child: We were in bed and was trying to sleep. I turned to him and said, "you make my tummy, cant remain? I have tried to sleep. " When it became clear that the baby Jumping around for some time, we called for a Pizza delivery man.

Hospital Trip

The first child: whenever we felt the slightest decline of B & H, we rushed to the hospital. I made my wife him back to the car and fix the seat cushions.

Second child: We timed open. He was three, within thirty (30) minutes, we rushed to the hospital. He sat in the front seat, with cushion and loin nojannut behind his head, and his feet.

The third child: I came home as soon as he began to take on a regular basis the contractions of the Office. When they had five minutes apart, and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her pillow store along the way.

Four children: in the Office When he called me and told me that he was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told him to drive to the hospital. I meet her as soon as I finished working on a series of correspondence. Reminder he can forget the pillows.

The first step

The first child: my wife were received from the camera. (I) were obtained from a video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran for one hour on the development of the place and all four rolls were developed with double print. We had the best picture of the blown 24 5? X 36? and framed. We are event-Hall ripustustapa it. I had a professional studio, on the other hand, one-hour video (I) the edge of the document will be four hours with live links to local anchor-human voice-over.

Second child: We took one ro video film and the five-minute period. Microsoft took the film and the day following the date on which it was developed by the center of the twenty-four hours to develop. I took the best picture and my wallet is enabled.

The third child: We could not find a video camera and we had only five shots left roll-up updates for the movie. We took all of the five shots, but you do not remember, we never developed a restructuring.

The fourth child: I quickly got and were obtained from the camera. I placed it up high so the child does not grab it.

For the first time the children fell and Got Cut

The first child: my wife and I frantically ran the child. We effect on him, and he rushed to the emergency room. Do not loop is needed but we spent the night in a room for her bleeding started again.

Second child: We walked him, he picked up and quickly his bandaged up. We've spent rocking his comfort over the next two hours, the pain in the living room.

The third child: I told my wife that if he was still crying for a couple of minutes, we should go to, and make sure that he does not hurt too badly. When he does not stop crying, we bandaged him up to the cutting and laid down in his bed for a while, but we went to our data.

The fourth child: Put a waterproof dressing the cutting and told him it gets better after she stopped crying.

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Missing School

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 15, 2011 | No Comments

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends. So she waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.

“Hi, I’m calling to report that Alice is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.”

Secretary at high school answered, “I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling please?”

“This is my mother.”

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The curse of the Princess

Once the King lived. The King had a beautiful daughter, Princess. But there was a problem. Due to the curse of the old witch he placed on all the Princess touched the melt. Regardless of what, metal, wood, plastics; anything he touched the melt!

Because of this, the men were afraid of him. No one is afraid to marry him. Despaired of the Kingdom. What does he do his daughter's help? He heard his wizards and magicians. One of the wizard, the King said, "If your daughter is one thing that melt his hands, the curse is broken and he smoked". The King was overjoyed.

The next day, he worked for the competition. The man who could bring his daughter 's, which melt marry her and inherit the wealth of the King. Three of the young ruhtinaiden took the challenge.

The first Prince brought a mixture of titanium is very strong. But unfortunately, when the Princess touched it, it melts. Unfortunately, the Prince went out.

The second Prince brought a huge diamond, the very substance of the world. But unfortunately, when the Princess touched it, it melts. He went away disappointed too.

The third Prince approached. He said the Princess, "" put your hand in my pocket and know what is there. "

The princess did as he was told.

He felt something hard. Although he turned red, he kept it in his hand. And it does not melt! The King was overjoyed.

All of the Kingdom was overjoyed. And third, the Prince married the Princess, and they lived happily ever after.

Question: what was the object of Prince pants?

(Scrolling text for the answer.)
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They were the M & M sweets, of course. They are rendered your mouth, not in your hand.

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The computer enough time

1. A friend calls and says, "How are you? Your phones have been reserved for a year! "

2. you forgot the TV remote control will not be able to work with you.

3. you can see something fun and shout, "lol, lol."

4. you can fill in, to prevent the mailman and I swear, he said, you'VE GOT MAIL.

5. you can log on and the screen says were 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. you can fall asleep but instead get the dreams of the IMs.

7. you can buy a laptop computer and a mobile phone in the car so you have AOL.

8. product support calls for help.

9. you can beg your friend receives an account, so you can "recreational."

10. you get another phone line just for Pizza.

11. you can purchase vanity car street sign on the screen-name.

12. you say "he he he he" or "oh oh oh" instead of laughing.

13. you can say "scroll up", when someone asks what it was you said.

14. you can sneak away from the computer when all goes to sleep.

15. you can talk on the phone you send an instant message with the same person.

16. you can view the off-line identity, which is annoying and the Ignore button convenient.

17. you can start to experience the "Cancel" after a period of time is not online.

18. "If the time to go?"

Authorization, you can sit in the AOL expects that certain specific person's sign in 6 hours.

20. you can get in the morning and go online to get your own coffee before.

21 … …You can stop the sentences with … ... three or more periods of … ….

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A Cowboy Rides Into Town

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 10, 2011 | No Comments

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. “Who stole my horse?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don’t want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home!”

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Mass Hysteria

A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960's.

One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity.

Replied one student, “We recognized some of our mothers!”

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True southern Gal …

South Carolina most South part of the woman goes to the local newspaper the last obituary of the deceased husband of the Agency, will be written to. Obit-editor notifies him or her obituary is a dollar per word. He pauses, then says, and reflects the "well, then, just give it to read, Billy Bob died."

Amused at the thrift of the woman, the editor says "sorry for the kantoosi is a seven-word at least all the obituaries." A little flustered, he thinks things and answers, "in this case, let it read,

' Billy Bob red car for sale ', died-

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The marriage is Bliss …

Cocktail party at one of the woman said to another, do not you wearing a wedding ring on the wrong finger? " Yes I am. I married the wrong man. "

Lady will be added to the ' ad ' anuncios: "the husband wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: you have mine. "

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

The woman is incomplete until he is married. Then he is ready.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I do not know, my son, I'm still paying."

A young boy: "is it true that in some parts of Africa, of the father, the man does not know his wife until she marries him?" The father: "this is the case, for each country boy."

Then it was a woman, who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and then, it was too late."

Marriage is the imagination over intelligence Triumph.

If you want your spouse to listen, and attention to every word you say, talk about your tough.

Just think, if it is not marriage, men would go through life thinking, they had no problems at all.

First guy: "my wife is an Angel!" Second guy: "you are lucky, I was still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they are Bald Head with a beer gut and for all to walk and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

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Windows not documented

* WinErr: 001 Windows loaded-system at risk

* WinErr: 002 error – yet

* Link error-WinErr: 003, a dynamic error is now each file in Your

* An error – no WinErr: 004 is wrong

* WinErr: 005 multitasking access – the system confused with

* WinErr: 006 malware Error-the disk view drive

* The price of the error-WinErr: 007 system hardware resources are insufficient to

* Beware of the broken window-WinErr: 008 glass fragments

* WinErr: 009 a horrible bug encountered – no one knows what happened to the

* WinErr: 00A promotional literature overflow – the size of the mailbox

* Insufficient disk space-WinErr: 00B free at least 500 MB

* WinErr: 00 C memory hog error – more Ram is required. More! More! More!

* WinErr: 00 D window closed-Wikipedia, the does not look outside the

* Open-Wikipedia, the does WinErr: 00E search inside

* WinErr: 00F unexplained error – Please tell me how this happened

* WinErr: 010 reserved for future errors in our developers

* WinErr: 011 box open-Wikipedia, the does not Show on the outside of the

* WinErr: 012 window closed-Wikipedia, the does not search within the

* An unexpected error occurred-WinErr: 013 Huh?

* The keyboard locked – try WinErr: 014, anything you can think of.

* WinErr: 018 unrecoverable error-the system is destroyed.
Buy a new one. The old windows license is no longer valid.

* There is a user error-WinErr: 019 our fault. Is not! Is not!

* The operating system to replace-WinErr: 01A reinstall all software. We are terribly sorry.

* WinErr: 01B illegal error – you may get this error. The penalty for the next time

* WinErr: 01 (C) the uncertainty of error – the uncertainty may be insufficient.

* WinErr: 01 (D) we are not able to determine their own system, the crash – the code.

* Scheduling bug-01E WinErr: Please Wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

* Reserved for our developers on WinErr: 01F errors

* Error codes in error logging WinErr: 020 – the remaining errors are lost.

* WinErr: 042 Virus error-virus is activated from within a dos box. The Virus, however, you must be a member of the Windows. All tasks are automatically closed, and the virus becomes active again.

* WinErr: 079 mouse not found-mouse driver is not installed. Click the Continue button on the left.

* WinErr: 103 error buffer overflow-too many errors. The following errors are not displayed or posted.

* WinErr: 678, this will end your Windows session. Do you want to start a new game?

* WinErr: 683 error time out while waiting for the system to run the startup of the operator – fell asleep

* WinErr: 815 is not enough memory to only 580, 312, 583 bytes available

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Type is assumed to be a joke

First, the test facility, the ridiculous situation or ridiculous characters. At The ...

The man stands for bus stop, balaclava helmets very hot day.

(This sounds promising.)

He is approached for a second man, who asks, "why are you wearing a balaclava helmet, when it is so hot?"

(Good, build, and we will direct man.)

"It helps to keep my ear plugs," the first man replies.

(The slight escalation ridiculous.)

"But why do you ear plugs?", the second man is responsible.

"They help me see the bus number."

(Double take).

"How to help you see attached to the ear?"

(Logical, separated from the back.)

"They help concentrate the senses, which are available. So that you will not be able to hear better with my eyesight. "

(This makes sense again to a strange kind of, but I believe that the Punch line to appear. Do You Want?)

"That is interesting. But hear me. "

"Ah, but you're not on the bus."

(Uh uh, think I'm off the track here. It's fun, but not funny enough. Please go back and try again, if you want to return to the second man says, "but hear me". That has to go. Do I need to up the ante in.)

"That is a fascinating theory. So, if your eyes to cover it would improve your hearing? "

"Peruvian man coughing can I hear."

(This may be a filler which may prove necessary, but I always edit it later if it is unwanted.)

"And if the nose pinched and stop your own smell?"

(Haven't a clue where I am now.)

"It would improve my sense of touch."

(Oh oh, getting further and further away from the destination fun I think.)

"But what is the benefit would be that, if necessary, you can smell my own?

"Wouldn't I gave Nenäni, should I press and hold the?"

(This is getting so lame. Why start? Maybe I need to write a recipe for curry instead. No, please continue. Oh God, I got it!)

"And what if, I cut off my own vision, hearing, smell, and my sense of the term of your touch screen and taste?"

"I am laughing out burst.".

"What?" Why on earth you can burst out laughing? "

"It really sharpens my sense of humor."

Not a classic, perhaps, but not bad for a sitting on a couch in Saturday afternoon, a laptop computer, television, and is expected to start in the Euro 2008 football tournament. Let's merge all of the programs and see what you did.

The man stands for bus stop, balaclava helmets very hot day.

He is approached for a second man, who asks, "why are you wearing a balaclava helmet, when it is so hot?"

"It helps to keep my ear plugs," the first man replies.

"But why do you ear plugs?", the second man is responsible.

"They help me see the bus number."

"How to help you see attached to the ear?"

"They help concentrate the senses, which are available. So that you will not be able to hear better with my eyesight. "

"That is a fascinating theory. So, if your eyes to cover it would improve your hearing? "

"Peruvian man coughing can I hear."

"And if the nose pinched and stop your own smell?"

"It would improve my sense of touch."

"But what is the benefit would be that, if necessary, you can smell my own?

"Wouldn't I gave Nenäni, should I press and hold the?"

"And what if, I cut off my own vision, hearing, smell, and my sense of the term of your touch screen and taste?"

"I am laughing out burst.".

"What?" Why on earth you can burst out laughing? "

"It really sharpens my sense of humor."

Finally run the joke just what all happens in the standard foot rests, that man has the five senses, so it will be based on illegally, but many are based on a good joke. Cannot delete the material, but the whole point is to illegally method to the reader or listener to reach before thinking, drag the selector, so I believe that it leaves the facility.

Do not be afraid of comedy writing. Joke horjuvalla rarely include full-formed the imagination. It has worked for. Punchline, might not be immediately present themselves, but as the show you are in the process of the above (and this is not deconstructed a joke), just click continue. Maybe does not have a sense of humor, a comedy that marks the time out by authors, but.

Gurmeet Mattu is an award-winning writer and educated, to print the vendor, stage, radio and television, as well as that, acting by a qualified majority, the Trainer of track record.

He is now the opportunity for writers to offer to publish their fiction ebook via MA2BOOKS. We will post all games in the PDF, DNL, and MobiPocket formats. We pay a royalty of 50% (via PayPal) each month. Visit the ma2books webplus.net. .

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Verbal abuse, disguised as a joke

Here, the joke is a form of abuse verbal abuse. Such abuse is done in jest. It cuts the areas most sensitive touches, fast, and leaves the abuser Triumph look. Misuse ever seems fun, because it is not fun.

Example 1:

Jack: "Gee, Jill to get fatter every day, ha ha ha!"

Jill: "do you think was fun."

Jack: "you just can't take a joke!"

Example 2:

Jack: "The Boy! You can watch some stupid movies. "

Jill: "I don't like it when you refer to I consider as the stupid movies."

Jack: "only you try to start an argument."

Just because you have a match, wrath does not believe that "the fact that you are wrong." Wondering if there is something wrong in my sense of humor, time is not a waste. There is nothing wrong in my sense of humor, or you can. Verbal abuse, the effects of the brainwashing may not be over-emphasized.

The following are the comments at the hearing, which is described as a joke: the abuser

-You will need the officer!

-Boy! Clear are the easy way to the future!

-What other measures can expect a woman?

-You cannot find your head, if you had not been attached.

Abuser may also pelästytetä of his partner, startle, or, after which he will laugh as though it were a joke.

To respond to the abuse of this form, it is useful to know that he has already implemented for you because he thinks that doing so puts him up, so to speak.

Do not try to explain to him what a funny joke about did not. Do not try to explain his jokes, which you can find a variety of humorous. Do not try to explain his you can't find the humorous and wants to say to you in a variety of jokes. Don't ask him what he meant, or why, he said. Do not spend time wondering if he understands how it sounded, even in the event that he is acting like it sounded funny to him. Do not spend time Wondering, why not laugh with wit, or the lack of with wit.

At any time, or denigrated, disparged ridiculed or just don't like what you hear, please try responding vigorously and "now, as I have said that (to me) (interrupted me) (laughed at me), do you feel is more important to you?"

Then, release the brake. Are, so he think about it. Please do not engage in the conversation. You may be able to say "I do not want to talk about it.". "or" can I get back to you later "if he continues to challenge you.

Tanya is the story of Lady publications Michalski, the owner and magazines and other publications Please feel free to include this article on its own, and a newsletter in Publisher. If you do, please remember to include a resource box, too.

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Sports commentator n offers

"Moses Kiptanui And this list is not exhaustive, the 19-year-old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

"The large interest in the company must be able to be the largest barrier to the purchase of both feet with" (David Coleman)

"We are now in exactly the same situation as we had exactly the opposite race, only the beginning." (Murray Walker)

In the 1990 World cup to play Cameroon shutouts: "we cannot underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought. " (Bobby Robson)

Issues in football and in Italy, residing in tune: "It was like being abroad." (Ian Rush)

Jimmy Hill: "do not sit on the fence, Terry. What opportunity do you think that Germany is to get?
Terry Venables: "I think it is a 50-50."

"I was in the no win situation, so I am glad that I won, rather than lost." (Frank Bruno)

"There is going to be a real ding-dong, when the Bell goes." (David Coleman)

"Brendan Foster, itself, with 500,000 people." (David Coleman)

"In the lead car is definitely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical." (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, in particular, my mother and my father." (Greg Norman)

"The injuries and deaths has been in Boxing, but none serious." (Alan Minter)

"Watch the time. It gives an explanation of how quickly they will run. " (Ron Pickering)

"Nigel Mansel of just under 10 seconds. Call it 9.5 seconds of round numbers. " (Murray Walker)

"Brain Scan showed that Andrew Caddick who suffers from stress Shin fracture." (Sheldon)

"That is inches is the complete millimetre." (Ted Lowe)

"I Fight Lloyd Honeyghan anything if the price is right." (Marlon Starling)

"If I think the history of our targets, there would be no need to wait for the same thing again." (Terry Venables)

"I do not know who is to lead."It is the Oxford or Cambridge. " (John Snagge – between the Oxford Cambridge Boat Race)

"The Queen's Park oval, exactly as its name implies, is a completely circular." (Tony Crozier)

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Squeezing Lemons

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The man replied “I work for the IRS.”

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Street Name?

“I’d like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia,” the young man said to the 411 operator.

“There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia,” the operator said. “Do you have a street name?”

The young man hesitated a moment, “Well, uh, most people call me Bubba.”

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STEVE: THE JERK

Once upon a time was married to annoying man, a woman named Steve. He complain about everything. This day he went to the creek with his Mule. He appealed to so many mules got annoyed and kicked his death.

Funeral, when all the men walked, the wife he shook her head Yes, and when the ladies walked, she shook her head no.

The Minister asks, "why are you shaking your head Yes men and women not?"

His response was "I would like to say how the men we are sorry they knew me and was saying," Yes, alright. "babalík When the ladies walked by, they were asked whether the Mule for sale. “

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Wedding speech jokes, you can use them or lose them?

Humor can be a very difficult topic. What one person finds funny, to be able to find very offensive.

Humor is the use of the voice of the wedding, particularly difficult, because the typical audience consists of a wide range of ages, backgrounds and interests. You have to remember that what you find funny can be very offensive to someone else in the audience.

You are very careful of a wedding, a special day because it is the bride and groom, someone wants to do the last thing is to ruin through the poorly placed in the joke.

How do you use humor without offending anyone in the wedding, and the conclusion of the item itself is not valid in the meantime?

First, you need to think about all the references and you plan to use the stories. Any of them, as the case may be, is intended to be offensive to a group of users? One of the stories that the public do not know about the important people, or more importantly, should not know?

Perhaps the most important stories are appropriate? You do not want to talk about the bride or the groom from the conquests of their wedding day!

It is best to use humor, wedding, which is pretty relaxed and in the middle of the road. Remember that you are likely to be different views of the religious and political, and these are particularly difficult topics, the people are very strong views on it. Politics and religion is best avoided, unless you know that it is going very well, and was found to be amusing.

In the end with your wedding Party will be able to determine what can and what not, fun. Make sure that all the jokes and see them run because you do not want to ruin any bride and groom to date.

With some careful thought may include humor, wedding speech. Humor is a vital part of the wedding speech and want to make the audience laugh, as well as in the cry. Appropriate humor will ensure that your voice for a long time to get to unohdu.

Do you want to know how best to use the wedding speech jokes maximum impact? Click this for the fantastic wedding day to give the speech and impress all the audience ". These technologies are all your voice for some time to come we are talking about.

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Texas

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

“Say, is this really a healthy place?”

“It sure is,” the man replied.

“When I first arrived here I couldn’t say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”

“That’s wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”

“I was born here.”

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The Greek style

The man goes to the little network neighborhood pub, and when he is sitting in the bar, he finds a seated second from the woman. He waves to her, and much to his surprise, he winks back to him. It does not take long before he has to sit next to the Chair. They will discuss about 15 minutes and then the man says to the woman,

"You've really hot!"

"You're pretty cute, too," she tells him. "I will tell you what … I live around the corner-what do you think of my position coming up to? "

"That sounds good!" the man was looking forward to replies.

"Before we go there, even if the" woman "is to ask one question: do you like doing the Greek style?"

"Well … uh …I'm not entirely sure what to say, "the man answers," but it sounds really interesting and I wanted to know! Let's go! "

As the two walk to his house. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman will copy all his clothes off. The man can't believe his eyes! She is incredibly beautiful. "Now, you're * that *," the woman asks, "do not want to make it in the Greek style?"

"Absolutely!" the man answers.

"All right," says the woman, then. "All the choice of flight and get up in the hands and knees you in bed."

"Sounds like fun!" exclaims the man. He ran out of his clothes include staggering, and climbs on top of the bed and the knees of his hands. The woman goes around and gets onto the Bed, in front of the right of the man.

He kneels down in front of his head. He asks him, "are you sure you want to do in the Greek style?"

"Yeah! Yeah, let's go! ", says the man.

A woman grabs the man with his armpits of locking hold down his arms. He can move at all, and his head into his chest is pressing. Once again, he says, "are you sure you want to do in the Greek style?"

The Ombudsman's muffled the sound to be heard between his breast is unlikely. "The Mmmf, yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"

The woman, such as the Director of the accounts he tightens and she yells

"Spiro!! Come and get it! "

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The differences between men and women

Nickname: If the Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they call each other with the Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go brewsky, they each other affectionately refers to as the Fat Boy, Godzilla, peanut-head and Useless.

EATING OUT: entry and inspection, Mike, Phil, Rob, and Jack is thrown for each $ 20 bills, even though it's only $ 22.50. None of them have anything less, and nothing really as they want to change back. When the girls get their check out upcoming pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: male has six items in her bathroom-a toothbrush, razor, shaving SOAP, Dial bar soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. 437 is the typical woman bathroom items, on average. The man will not be able to identify most of these items.

FOOD SHOPPING: the Woman makes a list of actions he needs and then goes out to a store and buy these things. The man waits until the only items left on his refrigerator is half of a lime and soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. The man reaches the checkout counter, the time of her shopping basket must be packed tighter than the cars of Clampett Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this does not prevent him from uploading 10-items-or-less lane.

Footwear: work on the preparation of the places the woman in the Mondi Wool SUIT, then the packing slip for the Reebok sneakers. He will take the plastic bag from Saks, her dress shoes. When a woman Gets the job, he put his dress shoes. Five minutes later, he will kick them because his legs are below. The man in the same shoes used to pair your computer all day.

CATS: the women's love of cats. The men say they love cats, but when women are not looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING up: Woman dress up: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, you will receive an e-mail message. Man dress for the wedding of.::

LAUNDRY: Women do Laundry every couple of days. A man of each article of clothing she used by owns, including his surgical pants, which were the hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. Finally, when he is, he used the dirty clothes on the Samsung inside out, rent, lease, and the journey takes her to u clothes mountain in the Laundromat. Men expect to always meet the beautiful women in the Laundromat. This is a re-runs "of love, American style.". "old episodes retained the illusion

OFFSPRING: Ah, the children. The woman knows all of the children. He knows the dentist appointments and soccer games, and a literature and best friends, and your favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. The man of the House also knows some of the short the poverty threshold.

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2006 New Year’s Resolutions

Joke of the Day Posted on | October 1, 2011 | No Comments

As we all prepare to start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year’s Resolutions. Here is my list of recent years’ resolutions and the revised ones for 2006.

Resolution #1
2003: I will try to be a better husband to Lisa.
2004: I will not leave Lisa.
2005: I will try for reconciliation with Lisa.
2006: I will try to be a better husband to Rachel.

Resolution #2
2003: I will stop looking at other women.
2004: I will not get involved with Rachel.
2005: I will not let Rachel pressure me into another marriage.
2006: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3
2003: I will not let my boss push me around.
2004: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2005: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2006: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4
2003: I will read at least 20 good books a year
2004: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2005: I will read 5 books a year.
2006: I will finish Space.

Resolution #5
2003: I will not get upset when Bill and Roger make jokes about my baldness.
2004: I will not get annoyed when Bill and Roger kid me about my toupee.
2005: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
2006: I will not speak to Bill and Roger.

Resolution #6
2003: I will get my weight down below 180.
2004: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2005: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2006: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7
2003: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2004: I will not touch the bottle before noon
2005: I will not become a “problem drinker”.
2006: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8
2003: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2004: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2005: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2006: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2008.

Resolution #9
2003: I will see my dentist this year.
2004: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2005: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2006: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10
2003: I will go to church every Sunday.
2004: I will go to church as often as possible.
2005: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2006: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

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The mother of one of the Arm

The built-in list of army of two younger brothers were getting their physicals. Examination, the doctor was amazed to discover that both had incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How can you account for the determination of?", he said the brothers.

"It is hereditary, sir," replied the older one.

"I see," said the doctor to his file in writing. "Your father is the cause of penises?"

"Not the Lord, our mother."

"Your Mother? You idiot, the female does not have penises! "

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but he had only one partition, and it came to us, we ran out of the bathroom, when he was the best he could manage."

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The Ladies Man

Posted a day in the life of a joke | on April 1, 2011 | There are no comments

Perry fancied himself quite the ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded in the desert with the six women on the island, he does not believe his luck.

They quickly agreed that each woman is a one night a week with only human.

Perry threw himself with gusto, the arrangement will be working his holiday, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking to forward to you the rest of the more eagerly.

One afternoon, he sits on the beach, and who wants to share some more of his men, when he caught for waving the life raft bobbing waves, which was a man in sight. Perry, pulled out of the floating raft from the beach and had a little jig luck. "You cannot believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.

New fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "you are a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!"

"Shit," memoranda of understanding for my "go to Perry, on Sunday."

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The new drivers license

The Junior had just received his new drivers license. The driveway of the family into the car and trooped when he was about to take them for the first time to ride. The father immediately headed directly to the recently struck the driver on the back.

"I bet you have to get back after the change in scenery, all these months of sitting in the front passenger seat to teach me the drive to be" the son said the beaming ol' man.

"No thank you," became the father of the answer, "I am never gonna sit here and kick behind you before you can run the same way as you have done for me all these years."

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The little black Boy

The little black boy goes to his momma baking kitchen. He relies on his hands and wipes all over his face. He will review his momma and says, ' momma, I See, the white boy! "

He slaps him in the face and momma says, "your dad did y'all Go sho!"

He walks downstairs a living room of his daddy, and says, "Look Dad, I am a white boy!"

He also slaps him in the face of daddy and says, "go to the Show yo ' grandmother!"

The boy in his room and scoots Grandma says, ' Look grandmother, son, I'm white! "

Once again, he is hit in the face of this time, his Grandma. He tells the boy to return to his momma.

Once he arrives downstairs, his momma says, "well, you will learn none of that?"

Replied the boy, "that was. I have only had 5 minutes to the white and three black already I hate! "

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Home Cooked Meal

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 29, 2011 | No Comments

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.

“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.

“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook….”

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The New Priest

A new priest is the first time hearing confessions about Twitter, so he asks the older priest to sit his sessions.

The new priest consults with the pair, then the old distinctions of a priest to ask him to add some of the proposals in the confessional.

The old priest proposes ' you can rub your body and arms overlap chin with one hand. "

A new priest to attempt this.

The old priest proposes ' Try, saying, "I see the most useful," "Yes, go, ' and ' I understand." "How do you feel that?" "

The new priest says these things.

The old priest says, "now, do not think is a bit better than my generation läiskäyttää and said, ' do not fuck with?!? What happened next? ""

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The Promise Of Marriage

The couple had been married for 45 years, and had 11 children and were members of the brood, blessed 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret to online safety tips together all the wife replies, "many years ago, we made a promise to each other: the first compression and leave must be taken of all the kids …."

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The priest, retirement dinner

The priest was being used at his retirement dinner for 35 years, the municipality. Leading local politician and was the presentation by a Member State which, on the one hand, and gives a little speech, dinner.

However, she was delayed, so the priest decided to say a few words of his own, while they waited for:
"I got my first impression from the first I heard of this yhteislaitumilla a confession. I thought that I was a terrible place. The very first person who came to my confessional told me, he was asked by the police, the stolen TV and was able to lie his way. He had stolen money from his parents, his or her employer had embezzled an affair with his boss's wife, the measures taken to combat illegal drugs and gave the VD sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people, but not all, as a matter of fact, and I had become a fine parish throughout the good and loving people. "…

Just as the priest in his talk, politician, arrived late for apologies is full. He immediately began to make a presentation and gave his talk:

"Never forget our first Seurakuntapappi arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

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Texas

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

“Say, is this really a healthy place?”

“It sure is,” the man replied.

“When I first arrived here I couldn’t say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”

“That’s wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”

“I was born here.”

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The secret to success?

The two old friends meet one day, after many years. One of the College and was now took part in the very successful. The second had not participated in the College and never had much more ambitious.

Success one said, "How is everything with you visited it?"

"Well, one day, opened a Bible at random and my finger is dropped on the word and it was the oil. So I'm invested in oil and butter on the day of Valentine's son, had been in the oil, kai sources admit. Then the other day with my finger on it is dropped onto another word and it was gold. So I placed the gold mines and those actually produced. Now I am as rich as Bill Gates. "

It was a successful friend impressed, that he was rushed to the hotel, his Gideon Bible, translated it opens and his fingerprints, dropped on the page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested the words, "chapter eleven".

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The Snake Model

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO):

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can’t find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don’t understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake’s life.

15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don’t show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO’s without power lines or SAM’s.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can’t receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

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A Mother’s Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

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A Little Black Boy

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 14, 2011 | No Comments

A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his momma is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He looks at his momma and says, “Look, momma, I’m a white boy!”

His momma slaps him in the face and says, “Go sho your daddy what y’all did!”

He walks downstairs to his daddy in the living room and says, “Look daddy, I’m a white boy!”

His daddy also slaps him in the face and says, “Go show yo’ grandma!”

The boy scoots over to his grandma’s room and says, “Look Grandma, I’m a white boy!”

Once again, he is slapped in the face, this time by his grandma. She tells the boy to go back to his momma.

Once he arrives downstairs, his momma says, “Well, did you learn anything from that?!”

The boy replied, “Sure enough did. I’ve only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate three black people!”

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The two Sisters playing cards

Had the 2 playing cards as well as the sisters … virgins. One Friday and Gladys Betty says, "not going to die, virgin, … I'm going and I am coming Home ' til I established! "

Betty says, "well, make sure that you are at home to 10, so do not worry about you."

around 10 o'clock rolls and Gladys … is not the 11 o'clock …12 o'clock …

Finally, about 1: 30 AM, the front door flies open. That run directly on the bathroom Gladys ….

Betty goes to them and the doors of the "are you okay, Gladys?"

No answer, so he opens the door and his underpants sitting around him with the ulkomaailmasta, the legs spread and Gladys, his head stuck between his legs to itself will be reviewed.

"What Gladys??? What is wrong? "ask Betty.

"Oh, it was Betty 10 cm long, when it went to the chatting and 5 when it came out. When you search for the second half of your life, you never have the time! "

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The things that the Sane person mad drive

Posted on daily joke | 22. in June, 2011 | There are no comments

The things that the Sane person mad drive

You have to try a pair of sunglasses that stupid they slipped from the plastic in the Center.

The person behind you can run a flower in his shopping cart on your own back of the ankle.

The elevator stopped for each layer, and no one gets.

The riding always has its own tail, when you slow down to find the address of the car.

You can open a can of soup, and cover art belongs to.

Network Neighborhood, that is, everything is a dog barks.

You should never, no way it came back to the.

Tire gauge half off, but you are trying to get to the odometer.

Drive, when you've neatly standing close to the radio, but buzzes, drifts, and spits, every time you go away.

There is always one or two ice cubes, which are not pop out of the tray.

Wash the garment with the tissue in your pocket, and the entire Laundry comes out, which is covered with lint.

The car behind you, you can you learn to let go of the blasts in the Horn of Africa ready for pedestrians crossing.

A piece of foil on a candy wrapper allows you to contact the padding (or braces).

You can set the alarm for a digital clock instead of 7 am to 7 pm.

The use of the Radio station is tell me who sang the song.

Rub the cream on the one hand, and can be deleted to get rid of bathroom doorknob.

People behind the supermarket you can line the line forward, you can block, only to open up.

Glasses slide in your heart when you perspire.

Cannot search for words in the dictionary the correct spelling, because you don't know the spell it ".

You must be the same people in sales for the five different container, which you are browsing the root.

You've had your hands on the pencil, just a second ago, and now it is not found.

You have reached the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way.

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