This British Explorer

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 4. in April, 2011 | There are no comments

This British explorer is going in the dark jungle, in which the Western no man has gone before. His is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and the troubleshooting one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at the Lake, and find a handsome dark young man, in the light of the morning swim. When he got to the shore and rose explorer could not help but Note the size of his penis. The young man had the longest penis, paksuin, he was never seen or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the tribe, which lives on the other side of the Lake, Sir, the Prince," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," said an awed Brit, his seuralaisensa, "how his penis size to go with this?"

The guide will discuss the moves, and the man of the Lake, which seems to get very agitated conversation.

Our hero, his Assistant, "well, what he said?" asked back.

"He said," the white man does not reduce in cold water? ""

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Funny Motor Insurance Claims

“The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind.”

“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”

“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.”

“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.”

“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”

“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.”

“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.”

“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.”

“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”

“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”

“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”

“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.”

“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”

“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”

“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.”

“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”

“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.”

“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”

“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”

“I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.”

“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”

“I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”

“As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.”

“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.”

“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.”

“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.”

“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”

“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.”

“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.”

“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”

“The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.”

“The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. ”

“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.”

“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.”

“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”

“The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.”

“No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.”

“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.”

“The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.”

“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.”

“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”

“My car got hit by a submarine.”(The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.”

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Babies

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 10, 2011 | No Comments

My five year old daughter asked me the question I’d been dreading. “Mommy , how are babies made?” I did my best to explain but she still looked confused.

“What about kittens? She asked.

“Well it’s exactly then same way, ” I said.

“Wow!” she said excitedly. “My daddy can do anything”

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Three Mice

Three mice are sitting in the late evening, trying to impress each other about how tough they are quite rough neighborhood bars.

The first mouse pounds a scotch, slams bar on top of the glass, remove the second mouse and says, "when I see the mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it on my foot. When the bar appears, I catch it in my teeth, bench press, up to 20 times its appetite and then with cheese. "

Second, the orders of up to two shots of sour mash, and on top of each glass bar, slams, delete the first mouse and replies, Sterling, "Yeah, when I see the rat poison, can I collect so much as it home may take, grind it to powder and add it to my coffee in the morning, so I can get good buzz going until the end of the day."

The first, second and third, then go to the mouse.

Third, use the mouse to a long sigh out and says the first of the two "not this time. You've got a date with the cat. "

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Three Hookers

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 20. January 2011 | There are no comments

Three hookers are compared to their customers during the night.

The first clear "I against the cowboy last night," says.

"How did you know that he was a cowboy?" asked another.

"Well, she wore cowboy boots, cowboy hat and boots, keep sharing, and we were always together."

"A cowboy in all right. Sounds like "others say.

"The future of the profession of lawyer on a Clear I," says another. "Unable to know because he wore three piece suit and packed in a Briefcase. He wore the suit vest and hung in the portfolio at all times. "

They agree, he sounded like a lawyer.

"I was a farmer, a customer," comments in the third.

"How could you know he was a farmer?" he asked.

"The Very first he complained was too dry and then he whined was too wet then he asked if he could pay me in the autumn."

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BEFORE AFTER MARRIAGE

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 10, 2010 | No Comments

BEFORE MARRIAGE:-……..

He: Yes. At last. It was so Hard to Wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don’t even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you Kiss Me?

He: Every chance I get!

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!

SEVERAL YEARS AFTER MARRIAGE:- ………
Please read from the bottom to the top.

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BERLITZ GUIDE TO THE OFFICE LANGUAGE

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and then leaves.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

OHNO-SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. Like making the selection that reformats your hard drive.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

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Best Out-Of-Office Notification

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2: I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.

11: I’ve run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as `Loretta’ instead of `Steve’

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Trimming on the doctor's Office

A man walks trimming the doctor's Office. As he approaches the reception, the receptionist asks,

"Sir, can we help you?"

-There is something wrong with my penis, "she tells him.

Receptionist indignantly corresponds to the ' Sir, you need shouldn't come into the Office and say something to rude "

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, "he says.

"Because the" responses may be charged a fee. "You have caused some of the people in this room full of embarrassment. You have said, there is something wrong with the ear, or something, and discusses the problem in more detail with a private doctor. "

Man walks, wait a few minutes, and reenters. Receptionist Smiles smugly, and asks

"Yes?"

-There is something wrong in my ear, "he says.

Receptionist nods approvingly.

"And what is wrong with the ear, sir?"

"It will burn when I piss on" the man replied.

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Close Call

A Truck ran a red light, almost side swiping our car. As my husband veered away, he threw his arm across me, protecting me from a possible collision. I was ready to plant a big kiss on my hero’s cheek when he apologized. In his haste, he admitted, he had forgotten it was me in the front seat and not our black Labrador, Checkers.

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Circle Flies

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn’t know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible.

He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?”

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, “Well, yes, if that’s what they are. I’ve never heard of circle flies.”

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. “Circle flies are common on farms. They’re called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse.”

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says, “Hey, are you trying to call me a horse’s behind?”

“Oh no, officer.” The farmer replies. “I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that.”

“That’s a good thing,” the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

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Dog Wisdom…

1) The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous

2) Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers

3) If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

4) There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben Williams

5) A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings

6) We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam

7) Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner

9) A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley

10) Dogs need to sniff the ground; it’s how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard. -Dave Barry

11) Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones

12) If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise. -Unknown

13) My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe Weinstein

14) Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler

15) Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

16) Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. -Groucho Marx

17) Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman

18) If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain

19) Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras

20) If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. -Phil Pastoret

21) My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am. — an OleHoss

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Two Bulls

Was one of the two bulls, the young and the old one, named George named Sam. It was at the time of year to satisfy, in General, women in the local community and young George quite excited.

George asked, "Sam, I go over there, these heifers?".

"George, relax. How it works. Sam said, we wait until they are at the top of the feed is keskikorkeus, so we have our great choice of fashion. women with ".

"Okay, that I can." George replied.

Feeding time became very and all the way to the top of the heifers had Sam said, and George was all excited to go there, but Sam was a few more steps.

"Now, George, we how this is ever to operate. Start at one end and start the other. We meet in the Middle, "said Sam.

George, "OK, OK, let's go!" said.

"George Hang On!. One important thing to remember. These girls we have in our but you have to show some respect and is polite. Sam said, OK? ".

"Sure," George says "Let's go!"

Well, they go down, all the top heifers. George begins in one end and Sam on the other. George is quite excited about, but he does remember Sam's instructions is polite, as if he is going to say, he shall ensure the

"Thank you, thank you for your interest in kantoosi kantoosi, kantoosi kantoosi, thank you, thank you, thank you kantoosi, sorry Sam, thanks to ma" am … "

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Two Christians in the desert

Two of the lost desert Sahara Christians. The second one is David, Michael. They were dying hunger and thirst when they came suddenly what seemed an oasis with minaret mosque in the middle.

David said: "find Michael pretend we are assumed to be a Muslim, otherwise these Arabs will kill us. I call myself Mohammed. "

Michael refused to change his name, he said: "my name is Michael and I do not pretend, but other than what I am. …Michael. "

Imam in the mosque and well received and asked about their names. David said: "my name is Mohammed." Michael said: "my name is Michael."

Imam mosque helpers and said: "Please bring some food and water for Michael only." Then he turned and said to the other:

"Well, I hope you Mohammed aware that we are still in the holy month of Ramadan."

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TURTLE IS A BLONDE

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 17. June 2011 | There are no comments

One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were the Chevy Camaro going on I-20 East toward Georgia. When the suspect Crossed the line, the first Georgia Trooper pulled quickly.

Rookie Trooper pulled him right behind and asked, "Hey Sarge, why do you stop?"

Sarge replied, "you stupid rookie! That guy in Georgia now. They are the hours of the US, so we'll never catch him. "

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Birth Control Pills

A Hillbilly walked into a drugstore and asked the pharmacist if they carried birth control pills.

The pharmacist informed the man that they did, but also told him they were for women.

The man acknowledged that he knew that, that they were for his twelve year old daughter.

The pharmacist asked, “Is your daughter sexually active?”

The man thought for a moment and responded,

“No, she just lays there like her mother.”

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Bigboy And Sweetheart

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 6, 2011 | No Comments

BIGBOY: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

SWEETHEART: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and High heels. I work out every day, I’m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

BIGBOY: I’m 6’3? and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I’m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…it smells funny.

SWEETHEART: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

BIGBOY: OK

SWEETHEART: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

BIGBOY: I’m gulping, I’m beginning to sweat.

SWEETHEART: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

BIGBOY: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

SWEETHEART: I’m moaning softly.

BIGBOY: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly…

SWEETHEART: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

BIGBOY: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.

SWEETHEART: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.

BIGBOY: I’ll pay for it.

SWEETHEART: Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

BIGBOY: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?

SWEETHEART: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

BIGBOY: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

SWEETHEART: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

BIGBOY: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!

SWEETHEART: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.

BIGBOY: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

SWEETHEART: What?

BIGBOY: I’m so sorry; Really.

SWEETHEART: I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

BIGBOY: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a *plop*

SWEETHEART: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

BIGBOY: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeee!

SWEETHEART: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

BIGBOY: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute.

SWEETHEART: What’s the matter?

BIGBOY: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.

SWEETHEART: Are you OK?

BIGBOY: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.

SWEETHEART: Can I help?

BIGBOY: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

SWEETHEART: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

BIGBOY: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.

SWEETHEART: Come back to me, lover.

BIGBOY: I’m washing the cup now.

SWEETHEART: I’m on the bed aching for you.

BIGBOY: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark, I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom?

SWEETHEART: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

BIGBOY: I found it.

SWEETHEART: I’m tuggin’ off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.

BIGBOY: Me too.

SWEETHEART: Your pants are off. I kiss you *passionately* our naked bodies pressing each other.

BIGBOY: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

SWEETHEART: Why don’t you take off your glasses?

BIGBOY: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. *Places the glasses on the night table*

SWEETHEART: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

BIGBOY: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

SWEETHEART: Hurry back, lover.

BIGBOY: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

SWEETHEART: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

BIGBOY: I’m done. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!

SWEETHEART: What’s the matter now?

BIGBOY: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

SWEETHEART: Mmm, yes. Come on.

BIGBOY: OK, now I’m going to put my…you know .thing…in your…you know…woman’s thing.

SWEETHEART: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

BIGBOY: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.

SWEETHEART: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

BIGBOY: I’m flaccid.

SWEETHEART: What?

BIGBOY: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.

SWEETHEART: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

BIGBOY: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my manhood all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.

SWEETHEART: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse.

BIGBOY: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

SWEETHEART: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.

BIGBOY: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it *a shocked look on my face*

SWEETHEART: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!

BIGBOY: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

ADMIN: (Chatter #2 “Sweetheart” has exited the forum)

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BIRD IN A KILTED CAGE

The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked ‘I’ve always wanted to find out what’s worn under the kilt’.

The sentry replied: ‘There is nothing worn, Ma’am, its all in perfect working order’.

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Two Drunk Men

Posted on Day joke | 21. December 2010 | No Comments

Two Drunk men were sitting in the Park. The first says,

"Ya know, when I was 30 and received hard-I will not bend it with both hands."

"I was able to bend it by 40 about 10 degrees if I tried really hard."

"I was able to bend it at the time of 50 20 degrees, is not a problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now it can be almost bend on the transilien Paris – Saint-just with one hand.

"So," says another drunk, "what is the update?"

"No," says the first, "I am just Wondering how much stronger, I'm never gonna get it!"

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Two Hillbillies

Two hillbillies, Billy Bob and Bubba, were walking through the fields in the Alabama graze. Bubba stops suddenly when he sees the ovine/caprine aid scheme and its Manager with Takertuneet barbed wire fence.

"hoo-d.j. kettles!" cries Bubba, "now, ain't she purty?"

He quickly hurries to the top of the sheep, his pants, and drops some sheep in his way.

When he is ready, he pulls his pants and steps back and says, "Billy Bob" Ok, it's your turn now. "

Billy Bob pulls down his pants, walks and jams his head sheep barbed wire fence.

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Borrowed the Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?”

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Birth Order: Satire From a Youngest Child

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 18, 2010 | No Comments

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:

Feeling the Baby Move

First Child: I placed my hand on my wive’s tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said “Cant you make your tummy stay still? I’m trying to sleep.” When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.

The Trip to the Hospital

First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.

The First Step

First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24? X 36? and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.

Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.

Third Child: We couldn’t find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don’t remember if we ever got the roll developed.

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn’t grab it.

The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut

First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.

Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.

Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn’t hurt too badly. When he didn’t stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.

Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it’d get better after he stopped crying.

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Problem with a Dog

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.

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Time-wasting condition

The little girl had just finished his first week of school. "I am just wasting my time," he said to his mother. "I can't read, can't write-and they do not let me speak!"

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Tight ass

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 6. May 2011 | There are no comments

The son of the priest is ready, cutting the lawn. The grass was very thick and long, and it took about 4 hours to cut the boy.

He approached his father to ask him for the payment and the priest paid $ 1.00.

The boy said, "thank you, father of the Virgin olive oils!"

The priest replied, "what did you say?"

The boy is playing, "thank you, father of the Virgin olive oils!"

The priest asked: "do you know what this means?"

The boy replied, "Yes …. tight ass!"

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Office Manager

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 11, 2011 | No Comments

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . “

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Two Hunter

Posted on Day joke | 30. December 2010 | No Comments

Two hunters got to fly them far away from the North elk hunting leader. They were quite successful in their joint venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot, came back, organize them more quickly.

Their gear is loaded level, including six elk began. But objected to the pilot, and he said,

"It takes a four Level only; your own elk You should leave two. "

They claimed to have been committed by him or her; before they were shot for a period of six years from the date of entry into the pilot, and allows them to put all on board. Level was of the same model and capacity.

Finally, the pilot Reluctantly allowed them to put all of the six aircraft. But when the attempt has been made, and leave the Valley, the low level could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of a hunter said, one of the main wreckage

"Do you know where we are?"

"Me," replied the other Hunter. "To me, this is in the same place where we can crashed last year data."

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Two Priests on Vacation

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” – “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”

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Famous People Resume Qualifications

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 25, 2011 | No Comments

Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I’d like to get away from all that.

Jesse James: I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I’d like to think of myself as a people person.

Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet: My postilion was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.

Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.

Macbeth: Would I go after my boss’s job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva: What do you mean this isn’t business casual?

Elvis: My last boss and I…say, are you going to eat those fries?

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Two Yuppettes

The two Yuppettes was shopping. When they began to discuss the home lives, one said,

"Kinda like all of Alfred and no longer has to fight. I was so shocked, I've lost 20 pounds. "

His friend asked, "why not just leave him then?".

"Oh! Not yet. "the first replied, "I want to lose at least another 15 pounds for the first time."

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Two wishes to God

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 14. January 2011 | There are no comments

The man got 2 wants to God

He asked 4 d the best drinks and (d) the best woman ever

The next morning, he received the mineral water & Mother Teresa

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How to Mess Up a Job Interview

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 12, 2011 | No Comments

We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

-”…stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”

-”She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”

-”A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”

-”…asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”

-”… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.”

-”Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”

-”Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”

-”When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”

-”At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”

-”…pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”

-”Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”

-”While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”

-”During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”

-”A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: ‘Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?’ I said, ‘I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.’ He promptly responded, ‘I am as long as you’ll pay me more.’ I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”

-”His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”

-”Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”

-”…asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”

-”Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”

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Snores

A woman is a dog who snores in his sleep. He goes to see if he can help the veterinarian. The veterinarian will tell you, you can bind a ribbon around the dog testicles woman and he stops snoring.

A few hours after going to sleep, the dog is snoring in the usual manner. He moves to the accommodation unit and grabs a piece of Ribbon, binds the testicles, and sure enough the dog snoring dog stops. A woman is surprised.

Later that night, her husband comes home, compared to stay drunk, when his friend with them. He comes in bed asleep and climbs, belongs to the very loud snoring begins.

A woman thinks might be on the Ribbon, in the works for him. He moves to the accommodation unit again, grabs a piece of Ribbon and binds her husband around the testicles. Amazingly, it also works to him. The woman is sleeping very soundly.

Wake up the next morning my husband very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom of his business, and as he is on the front of the TOILET, he looks in the mirror and sees blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confusing. He walks back to the bedroom and sees red tape attached to his dog scrotum.

He will examine the dog and says, "Rex old fella, I do not remember, what the hell happened last night, but always when we were, we took first and second place.

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Shopping In The House

Posted on daily joke | on July 25, 2011 | There are no comments

My husband had to run the store, our daughters Sarah (4) and (2), and on the way home she with Hannah drove through the sale of the houses looking for my network places. After a little Sarah asked, "Daddy, what do we do?"

My husband said he was looking at the houses, which were for sale.

Sarah asked "have you ever bought a new house?"

The father replied, "Maybe."

Then Sarah said much with concern, "but Dad, how we get to the HOME PAGE?"

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We Don'T Care How Y''All Do It Up North T-Shirt

This listing is for a 6.1 oz heavyweight 100% preshrunk cotton t-shirt. Please choose your Size and/or Color from the drop down menu above if applicable.

Price:

Click here to buy from Amazon

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Truths About Life, Learned by Young Children

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 21, 2011 | No Comments

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask your 3 year-old brother to hold a tomato.

5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

7. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

8. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a breath mint.

9. Never hold a vacuum and a cat at the same time.

10. School lunches stick to the wall.

11. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

12. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts – no matter how cute the underwear is.

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University final examination of the

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is displayed for the final examination of his University.
He looks up from his seat, a review of the Hall, is the question paper stares for five minutes and then the appropriate inspiration in his shoes
out and throw away the window Then he removes his. [1] [2] Turban and throw it away as well.His shirt, pant, socks, and watch as the monitoring of the action.

Moderators, worry, approaching him and asks what is in progress.
"Oye, I am just follow the steps in this"! it says, this "answer the following questions in brief".

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Unique Breakfast

Posted on Day joke | 14. November 2010 | No Comments

The man discovered the character restaurant, that read "Unique Breakfast", so he walked and sat in the window.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him, he wanted to. " What is the unique Breakfast? "BA he asked inquisitively. "Language-floor Café serves freshly-baked chicken!" he proudly replied.

"Language-floor Café serves freshly-baked chicken?…-floor Café serves freshly-baked chicken language!You have an idea, which is how disgusting? never even I consider eating anything that came out, chicken foot!, "he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "what you want then?" "Just bring me some of the scrambled eggs, "the man replied.

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What do you do when your jokes are not funny?

Are you aware of the strange atmosphere that comes after you've cracked Connecting flat fell to the target audience? Do you have a belief that is simply not fun at all? ",

Even the most confident speakers might falter when it comes to injecting enough humor in their speeches, skill. Not to worry, though, this event aims to provide more tips, I hope will guide you through the process of adding the right dosage to make the story a moment of real humour or punchlines.

As the saying goes, a cliche Laughter is best medicine for today and the people will be drawn up by the honey bees such as humor per, simply because in today's culture is rooted cynicism. Therefore, value-add humor public speaking. This may be the case, while a lot of people find themselves missing specific skills to pull back the punch lines efficiently and easily.

Although humor is generally believed that master the art of the elusive, I think otherwise. How to avoid the humor is considered as a hostage?

The great comic Jim Mendrinos once shared, "can be fun, you got to know, first of all, what makes you laugh as this will give you the obvious clues, making other people laugh." This means that you need to know what humor form works and what not!

In the search for the different users different things fun, and these are common elements in your everyday life that is, everyday conversations, quotations, books, etc. The humor is a widely used in Life!

Humor, ranging from the usual banter technologies, there are many measures. Thus, the Bank's effort to build the humor! It is a great starting monitoring yourself and others. The side note window from the comical instances occurring-must be noteworthy ones on a daily basis! You know you will never, in these cases, be useful as their own speeches of ammunition.

Your voice is to get to know the audience for the journal! Such as the Advanced public speaking Institute, Scott Friedman suggests, "what makes you feel better in General, you should play them more opportunities." To understand the dynamics of public opinion, which, this makes it easier for you to through the language and tone of your voice, as well as related to the framework. As mentioned above, the search for the different users different things funny. So the audience should allow to serve their own sense of humor, a group of correctly-the possibilities are Knock Knock jokes are not likely to primary school children and adults, as compared to the work!

Also, make sure that you are going to be the voice and the reader can take advantage of the intention to listen to know. These days the precious commodity is time and implanting suggestive and timely yet relevant to the humor, it is very effective way to make your voice more memorable and drone without examples. Strengthen and make room for this purpose, around the mind, which operates as the target audience, stories, or Punch lines.

To avoid the potholes are also, as does step and they! The following are some of the "Et" s, "" publication from the Rostrum for tips on public speaking and meeting procedures, Vol. 1 "in the Custom collection:

1. do not use recycled jokes and stories, public speaking faux. So you probably have experienced this in the talk itself, before the hearing, while listening to the familiar stories of numerous times before is bound to set in place of the groans laugh.

2. don't laugh at my jokes while reciting it-increased self-control is important! The punch line in the Park, the best way is always a straight face. This catches off guard by the public and to enhance the humorous effect.

3. don't let the audience too little time for you to enjoy the punch-line offers Let them digest and laugh before you move in! This allows later catches the stories after the audience.

4. never explain jokes or Punch lines! If the audience to get the joke, the move. Explains the joke will not help matters, particularly funny moment is not, and the thrilling. To lighten the mood tense at the start of this, some self-effacing humor in [http://blog.ericfeng.com/heres-how-to-be-funny-even-if-you-are-not], however, can operate, that is.

Why do people laugh at?

To find the key training programs to understand the humor speech, let us take behind the scenes of what makes people laugh. Max Eastman, author of the enjoyment of laughter. submit shall be deemed to be "funny" associated with the humor, the four laws.

The first law is that the only things is fun, when we have "fun". Is, however, continue to point out that we can nuoremmissakin serious below the humor of thoughts or motives, but even in that State, you still may perceive things as fun. This is the "half the fun" mode. The speaker is knowing the audience well enough to help the ice and breaking them is claimed to be "funny".

The second law is that when we are in the "fun", for values of Exchange takes place, so that the pleasant things to remain comfortable, even though the negative things also get positive emotional, in turn, causes the taste and the laughter. This is so long that they are not so disagreeable that they conclude that "the fun". A positive example is the self-effacing humour, which itself is you laugh with something negative, thus inciting Laughter in other form.

The third law is that it is considered to be "funny" is a prerequisite for most natural childhood and that children laugh, play reveals a humorous, its rawest. You might notice that every children, the measures that might be shocking or even worrying, is essential to the "fun", unless the destruction, forced them out of the "fun" (what will supersede the tears) in the atmosphere

Fourth, the law has grown up persons retain this aptitude, that "funny" to varying degrees and enjoy this unpleasant things as amusing to varying degrees. Thus, such as the speaker for the biggest challenge is to reach out to the audience present, even though the crowd during the course of the detractors, with lower degrees are considered to be "funny" in the case.

With all of the currently said to try it! Never know what works for you, unless you can do so. BE fun and their seats in the audience to turn off the rolling!

Eric Feng is the Go-to guy, if you want to learn to impress clients, employers and investors through public speaking (). Eric has successfully helped more than 3,000 people in the sure and compelling speakers. Watch free videos on how to unleash the speaker in you and your audience with charm, simple steps, to go with 8: http://www.TakingTheStageNow.com

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Work Trophy - Brown Noser of the Year

Reward your co-workers for their consistently annoying behavior with our Work Trophies. These five inch high trophies look like real trophies, but are printed with sarcastic phrases! Every office has an irritating brown noser and slacker and now you can show them that you recognize their hard work and achievements! A great gag gift and prank!

Price:

Click here to buy from Amazon

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AFGHAN TV GUIDE

MONDAYS:
8:00 – “Husseinfeld”
8:30 – “Mad About Everything”
9:00 – “Suddenly Sanctions”
9:30 – “The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show”
10:00 – “Allah McBeal”

TUESDAYS:
8:00 – “Wheel of Terror and Fortune”
8:30 – “The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right”
9:00 – “Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things”
9:30 – “Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
10:00 – “Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer”

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 – “U.S. Military Secrets Revealed”
8:30 – “When Northern Alliance Attack”
9:00 – “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread”
9:30 – “Just Shoot Everyone”
10:00 – “Veilwatch”

THURSDAYS:
8:30 – “M*U*S*T*A*S*H”
9:00 – “Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils”
9:30 – “My Two Baghdads”
10:00 – “Diagnosis: Heresy”

FRIDAYS:
8:00 – “Judge Laden”
8:30 – “Funniest Super 8 Home Movies”
9:00 – “Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things”
9:30 – “Achmeds Creek”
10:00 – “No-witness News”
11:00 – Beavis and Raghead”
12:00 – This Old Tent” with Bob Villain

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10 shares dividend

In the middle of broader economic pessimism, fund managers say that this information shows that many British companies are in rude health. Clive Beagles, J O Hambro equity income Manager, said: "Us remain optimistic that this trend will continue."

Start-ups or recover payments of dividends to shareholders are three to those that cut or cancelled their dividends.

But not all income equity managers are also optimistic. Bill Mott, income veteran who now leads income Psigma Manager "quite prudent" rest on the Outlook for UK companies.

"I think we are pretty anemic growth years."Corporations best placed to dividends shall be stable and predictable companies who do not have to spend lots of money, maintain or increasing their position on the market, "he says it said that these tend to be companies that are already in the arena of dividend such as pharmaceuticals, telecoms, tobacco companies, and utility."

But the two fund managers agree that investors smart there were significant dividends for these pillars établis.Voici a growth opportunities list different dividend fund managers at business growth over the next few years.

Of course, those who do not venture to invest in individual stocks should consider income fund equity invests in a broad basket of companies that have the potential to pay a good dividend stream.

Mr. beagles said that this high street retailer has certainly had its problems.It has ceased to pay dividends two years ago, but since then has succeeded in reducing the debt that it carries out by about two-thirds.

On the back of the most optimistic addresses statements that he expressed optimism that payments should resume next year."If it paid only a third of its earnings, it would mean a 9 to 10 p.Sur share the current price which represent a yield of about 4 5pc dividend,", he said.""

This is another smaller company than Mr. Beagles said dividend growth potential.Company, purchased Princess P & O at the beginning of the previous decade, control on the market of the croisière.Il 60pc has developed in the last decade, but even two years ago it cut its dividend juste retour customer demand fell in the wake of the financial crisis.It is now paying a small dividend but it is only a quarter of what it had paid until payment has been reduced.

Mr. beagles said: "the company has spent less on new ships, and demand is increasing once again, so its cash position improved.""We would expect to see this definition to a growing stream of dividend again."

Investors should keep in mind that that this company has a double list in Britain and America, the dividends are paid in cents.

Most analysts expect the oil giant to restore its dividends in 2011. The question is, what niveau.Tineke Frikkee, Newton Investment Fund Manager said: "" optimists could hope that payments will resume at its previous level, on US 14 c per quarter, while the more pessimistic than commentators believe shareholders will be lucky to get half that. ""

Ms. Frikkee she sat "somewhere between the two" and expects a dividend payment of c 9 and 10 (c) the year prochaine.Cependant, although it will show a big jump in dividends, yields no are not higher than other companies.

She added that the pound to dollar exchange rate fluctuations could affect returns for British investors.

Mr. Mott says those looking good and consistent growth dividends should consider these alimentation.Les yields retailers currently vary slightly below 3pc a little more 4pc."Each of these are good defensive businesses", he said.

"And are looking to expand in various ways, both United Kingdom, thanks to our population growth and abroad it said:"they are generative businesses in cash, with a good dividend growth potential but they remain a low-risk investment especially when economic conditions deteriorate"."

The company pay is also favoured by Mr. Mott for future dividend growth.He said: "they have a very good Chief Executive Charles Wilson, who transformed the company to have a massive debt virtually no debt at all the".

The company is involved in a start-up in India Company, but also its UK.Il base stable cash flow added: "this company has the potential to increase its revenues and its dividendes.Et pricing actions today that performance seems to be interesting."

Several life, like other financial corporations, insurers reduced their dividends at the beginning of the crisis of credit, but many are now increasing these payments once again at the rear of the good growth.

Legal & General, for example, half its dividends at the end of 2008, nearly 6 percent to 3 p.Son last dividend was up 30pc. "But even with this increase is still considerable scope for further rises reach their previous levels, said Mr. Beagles.Autres life insurers is also cutting of dividends: Aviva, for example, has recently increased its dividend 10pc-15pc.

Industrial services company (who is involved in security and maintenance of the platforms, among other things) has not paid a dividend of 10 ans.Cela was largely due to carrying large debts and having a significant historical asbestos liability.

But the company has succeeded in reducing its debt and made provision for outstanding claims payable asbestos. Beagle said: "we expect this company to begin to behave as it should have been in the last decade as a 400 m £ well run on a reasonable price for the ratio of compensation trades".

Analysts expect HSBC is the Bank that provides the greatest growth dividend 2011.Mme Frikkee said: "Investors must still remember that it is paid in dollars."

Improves the balance sheets of banks, review of policy and regulatory interfere with their ability to resume dividend yields observed that seeking long-term, Lloyd said Frikkee passé.Mme's Banking Group has reviewed chances to provide a stable and consistent dividend stream but is unlikely to begin to pay the shareholders in the following year.

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1 line in humour

[1] the Regular NAPs, in particular, the old blocks if they take while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; the two are on the referee.

[3] the marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I think that we should all pay tax to the us with a smile. I have tried – but they wanted the money.

[5] the growth of the child, the most in a period of one month after you've bought a new school in the Workwear.

[6], you do not feel bad. Many people have not the talent.

[7] the person to marry You, married, one Can't live without, but whatever, it would later regret.

[8] can't buy love, but to pay for it.

[9] the Bad officials are chosen the good citizens who do not have the right to vote.

[10], Laziness is not other than the habit of resting before you get tired of seeing.

[11] the marriage is give and take. It is better to give him or he still achieved.

[12], my wife and I are always a security problem. I admit that I am wrong and she agrees with me.

[13] for those who are not able to leave the job to others themselves laugh.

[14] the first Ladies. The sooner the women fairly.

[15] a successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[16] you get old when you enjoy remembering the things more so.

[17], no matter how often the job of his changes, the man they married, he will still end up with the boss.

[18] the Real friends of configuration target, who survive transitions between address books.

[19] the Recording is the best. In particular, when your parents have done it for you.

[20] wise men talk because they have something to say; Fools talk because they have something to say

[21] they require the language courses in the mother tongue as the father, rarely gets to talk about!

[22] Man: whether there is a long life in any way?
Dr: Finland.
Man: it helps you?
Dr: No, but then the idea of long life and never will be.

[23]Why do couples Hold hands during their wedding? It is a mere formality as the handshake, the two begin to fight before the boxers!

[24]Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do?
The husband: a stand for the silence tell us 2 minutes.

[25]It's fun when people discuss Love vs marriage Arranged. It's like asking someone if the suicide is better or being murdered.

[26]The world is only one of each of the child and the mother of perfect to have it.

[27]The world is only one of the perfect wife and each of the neighbouring has it!

So enjoy life and take it easy …

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World's Best Joke Golf Balls Gift Set (4)

The awesome foursome of the World's Best Golf Ball Jokes invented and made by J & J Boundy of Australia. SET INCLUDES: UNPUTTABALL ? It jumps, baulks, skids, and gyrates. An unpredictable maddening, hilarious Putting Gag. PHANTOM ? For golfers who laugh. This ball will vanish on solid impact in a watery mist. Now you see it ? Now you don?t! JETSTREAMER ? Drive it, the ball disappears ejecting 15 feet of spiraling, streaming ribbon. EXPLODER ? The exploding golf ball blows up in a spectacular cloud of billowing smoke-like powder on impact!

Price:

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Getting Snow?

A diary of one person’s love of snow…

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season: we took out cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print: so romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: Woke to a blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the 1st time in years & felt like a boy again. Did the both driveway and sidewalks. Later, the snowplow came along & I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: Sun melted all the lovely snow but good neighbour said we’d have a white Christmas. Then commented that by the end on Winter, I’d never want to see snow again.

December 14: Snow, Lovely snow! 8? last night and cold, too. Wind took my breath away but warmed up shoveling. This is the life! Later the snowplow came back, again, but I’m getting in better shape. Just wish I didn’t huff & puff so much.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold the van and bought a 4×4; snow tires for the wife’s car & 2 extra. Shoveled, then stocked the freezer. Wife wants a wood stove in case power goes off. I think that’s silly – we aren’t in Alaska…

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Landed on my butt trying to salt the driveway. Hurt real bad. Wife laughed for an hour. (I think that was very cruel.)

December 17: Too cold and icy to go anywhere. Power was off for 5 hours. Piled on blankets to stay warm with nothing to do but stare at the wife & try not to upset her. Can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room. (Won’t admit that I should have bought wood stove: hate it when she’s right.)

December 20: Power’s back on and had another 14? of the stuff. Shoveled all day. Snowplow came by twice. Kids too busy playing hockey to help. Hardware store sold out. Next shipment of snow blowers due in March. Neighbor says I have to shovel or city will have it done and bill me. (Think he’s lying…)

December 22: White Christmas!!! 13? more of the white stuff & its so cold, it won’t melt ’til August. Tried to shovel – just too tired. Tried to get help from neighbor who has snow plow on his truck but he said he was too busy. (Sure he’s lying.)

December 23: Only 2? of snow today and had warmed up to 0. Wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house. What is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? Says she did. (Think she’s lying.)

December 24: 6?. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. I’m gonna get that snow plow driver. (I know he waits around the corner to see if I’m finished, then roars by at a 100, sending snow flying all over.) Wife wanted me to sing carols with her & open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snow plow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. Another 20? of the slop. Snowed in again & the idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I wanted to hit him over the head with my shovel. Wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot and if I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’ll throw her in the snowbank.

December 26: Still snowed in.

December 27: Temperature dropped another 30 degrees and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to -25. Still snowed in and the wife is making me crazy!!!!!!

December 29: Another 10? & neighbor says I have to shovel the roof before it caves in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. Another 9? in forecast.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house: no more shoveling.

January 8: I feel sooooo good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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Funny Punny Names

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 22, 2011 | No Comments

Some Like it Sweet: Sugar Kane
Oh What A Relief It Is: Al Kaseltzer
New Mexico Tour Book: Albie Kerky
I Was A Son Of A Buccaneer: Rich Kidd
The Palace Roof has a Hole: Lee King
Lawn Care: Ray King
Exercise on Wheels: Cy Kling
I Hate the Sun: Gladys Knight
Teach Me!: I. Wanda Know
Better Mental Health: Cy Kosis
Breaking the Law: Kermit A. Krime
NHL Hockey: Stanley Kupp
Those Funny Dogs: Joe Kur
I Like Weeding Gardens: Manuel Labour
How to Overcome Stress: R.E. Lachs
Care For A Chop?: Marsha Larts
Fallen Underwear: Lucy Lastic
Military Rule: Marshall Law
Cut the Grass!: Moses Lawn
Manana: Stew Layt
To be Honest: Frank Lee
The Lady Pirate: Peg Legg
Pain in My Body: Otis Leghurts
The Phillipine Post Office: Imelda Letter
Theft Among Arthropods: The Lieutenants
Not a Guitar!: Amanda Lin
Holmes Does It Again: Scott Linyard
Bring to the Grocer’s: R. List
Classic Groceries: Chopin Liszt
The Effects of Alcohol: Sir Osis of Liver
Employment Handbook: Ernie Living
How to Break In: Jimmy De Lock

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An American In Paris

This is a true story. My sister and spent two weeks in Paris. Local anger, of course, the Americans. Regardless of where we went we were rude waiters, store to find a solution to the problem of legal officers, subject to the protection of pedestrians. After a few moments, it began to irritate us.

One day in Paris, my sister went shopping. He came to the shop and started a search. He was the only customer in the store. He had to go through is the rack of clothes, the technician approached him and asked very per abruptly if he could help him.

My sister is now used in the treatment of the poor, and he fell to siivosti for his help. He continued to look the clothes. Then he noticed that every staff member was staring at him.

Defiantly he continued through the clothes. When he could no longer be this treatment, he turned on his feet so he holds high and left the shop.

She left, he noticed that the store sign read "Dry all-purpose cleaners."

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Almost got caught

Posted a day in the life of a joke | April 10, 2011 | There are no comments

All three girls in the same Office in the same women worked for the boss. Daily, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that when the boss left to right, they would leave behind him. After all, he never called or came back to work, so he knows how, should they went home early?

Brunette was wonderful, that ye may be Home early. He had grown a little flower plantations, spent time playing with his son and I went to bed early.

Redhead was elated to be able to get a quick workout in the Spa before the date of the meeting of the dinner.

Pale was a happy surprise for her husband and get home at an early stage, but when he was in his bedroom, he heard a muffled the noise inside. Slowly and quietly, he cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with his boss! Gently, he shall be exempt from the door and ran out of his house in the methods of analysis.

The next day, the profitability of their coffee at the border and the redhead brunette again at an early stage is planned to leave and they asked the blonde, if he was going to go with them.

"No" case "," the blonde exclaimed. "I Almost got yesterday!"

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