Three Little Pigs

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.
They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class:

'And what do you think the man said?'


One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly .....

'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

----------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

----------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-- --------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

----------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

----------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

-----------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy..

------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

-----------------------------------------------------

Evening classes for Men

ALL ARE WELCOME OPEN TO MEN ONLY


Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:


DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while shouting
"It's not there!”, You’ve moved it!” or “We’ve run out!” – Open forum



DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role-play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

Santa in the Summer

DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA LOOKS LIKE IN THE SUMMER???
NO ???


SCROLL DOWN

Complaint of the year

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in the UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and read on. The Brits do have a way with words...warning: there are a few 'rough' words in it, British-style of course!

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2008, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service that I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your Internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god- awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

3: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

4: Are you ready for seconds yet?

5: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

6: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

7: How long will it take after you put it in?

8: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

9: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

10: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

11: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

Once upon a time

The Rabbit

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?".
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman" ,smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".

The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman,"what from".

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

"Mixin'-me-toasties"

Three wishes

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.
Picking it up, he pulls out the cork. Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return, I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "Perfect. I always dreamed of this, and I know exactly what I want. First, I want ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and a detailed list with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues. "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

There is another flash of light, and a bright red Ferrari appears right next to him.

He goes on. "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

A final blaze of light, and he turns into a box of chocolates.

The monastery

A young priest arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other priest in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the priest are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new priest goes to the Bishop to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The Bishop says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Bishop.

So, the young priest gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

'We missed the R ! We missed the R !

We missed the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young priest asks the old Bishop, 'What's wrong, father?'

With A choking voice, the old Bishop replies, 'The word was...

'CELEBRATE' !!!

Mass

An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Bodies

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

Sunday Morning

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

Compliment

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Birds and bees

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about ex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

Gifts

Granny

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Scientists

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

MOSES & THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

pharmacology

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that
it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,
and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just
a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction
by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Presents

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas-after all, they've only known each other for three weeks. Romantic, yet not too personal. Accompanied by her younger sister, he goes to the mall and buys a pair of white gloves. The sister picks up a pair of panties for herself. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels. The sister gets the gloves, the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties. Without checking, the guy rushes the suspect gift to his sweetie, after drafting this loving & helpful note...

"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Dreams

Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband,....."I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the *perfect* penis."
Mr. Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine?"
She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't."
He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented...and the one on the top was the *perfect* pussy."
She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?"
He says, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"

The Table

He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey...

Lawyer's Contribution

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, 'Why not call him up?'

He calls up the lawyer.

'Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?'

The lawyer responds, 'A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?'

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, 'Well, no sir, I'm...'

'Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!'

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point.
'I'm terribly sorry...'

'Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?'

The worker is completely humiliated at this point.
'I am sorry sir, please forgive me...'

'The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give to you!'

CREATIVE PROGRAMMING

In the beginning there was the computer. And God typed:
%>Let there be light!
#Please login.
%>login God
#Password?.
%>Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%>Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create light
#Done
%>Run heaven_and_earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters which are under and above the firmament
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create firmament
#Done.
%>Run firmament
#And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%>Create dry_land
#Done.
%>Run dry_land
#And God created the Earth & Seas. God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%>Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the sun moon and stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%>Create fish
#Done
%>Create fowl
#Done
%>Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind.
#And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%>Create cattle
#Done
%>Create creepy_things
#Done
%>Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create man
#Done
%>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%>Insert breath
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%>Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%>Create Garden.edn
#Done
%>Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%>Copy woman from man
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%>Create desire
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%>Create freewill
#Done
%>Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
%>Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
%>Create good, evil
#Done
%>Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
%>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%>Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%>Break
%>Break
%>Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
%>Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
%>Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Are you sure you want to destroy earth? (Y or N)
%>Y
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
#MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#MARCH 8 AT 6:01 AM
#Please login.
%>login God
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER MALFUNCTION
#USER FILE CORRUPTED * PLEASE SIGN IN AS NEW AGAIN
#SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
%>NEW
#PLEASE ENTER A USER NAME TO BE USED ON THIS SYSTEM
%>God
#NAME ALREADY TAKEN * PLEASE CHOOSE ANOTHER NAME
%>who is God
#God = B.GATES * NO FURTHER INFORMATION AVAILABLE
#And NEW logged off

Aplogies

Over the past months I have posted funny pictures and jokes as I thought shared the same sense of humour.

Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem to have upset a few people who have accused me of being sexist and shallow.

If you were one of these people, please accept my humblest apologies.

From now on I will only post jokes with a cultural or educational content such as old monuments, nature and other interesting structures.

For those of you who are interested, Pont Neuf is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build. Construction began in 1578 and ended in 1604. 'Le Pont Neuf' is actually made of 2 independent bridges, one with seven arches and the other with five arches.

Below, you'll find a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris ....... Fascinating.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse
with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH
you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass
kicked.

Water or Wine

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service

Flying

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in South Auckland because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.

The CAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR? (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.

Worlds best TATTOO ???

This guy thought he had the best tattoo in the world...

!
!
!
!
!
!
!
Until he went to prison.......!!!!!!

Male or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

Bran Flakes

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.


Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bathroom. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out of the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."



Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...?"
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."



The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your f....ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!"

Maths

THIS IS INCREDIBLE....

Read all the Numbers... Slowly and in Order!!

Be Careful not to MISS ANY

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30

Finished?

Scroll down ..................

GOOD ! TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's !

It takes so little to amuse old people.

Oz

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet
Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact
Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor
Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity
Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwi's amongst us:
Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

Back to School

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

Bad Day

for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Sean & Cilla

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.


After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'
'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again.
No problem hun'.
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer ba lls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'
Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,


but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
the bitch stole ma wallet !'

Ireland

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy a nswers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'

Heavenly entry

Sean, Murphy and Paddy died and found themselves waiting at the pearly gates.

St.Peter came to them and said "As it's near Christmas I want you to show me something you have on your persons to do with the festive season".

Sean searched in his pockets and produced a lighter which he sparked into flame and told St. Peter that it represented a candle. "That's very good" said St. Peter., "Go on into heaven and enjoy yourself".

Murphy then showed St.Peter a rattly bunch of keys which he likened to a peal of bells. "Very good" said St.Peter "In you go, and have a good time".

Paddy, after a long ferret around in his pockets brought out a pair of ladies panties. St.Peter said "And what pray, may those have to do with Christmas"; to which Paddy replied "They're Carols!".

Daddy's little girl

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that poofter sh*t in our garden' she said.

Mick & Paddy

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed
the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The
stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor
touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy calls Easy jet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people
are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm
gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M
A LIGHT BULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of
amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies
on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a
dodgy one!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Every time I think of you my nuts
tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a
light switch away!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath
beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point
Paddy said 'I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad
in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a
Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be
Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey!
There's a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'What's his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops.
He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts like you that
give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if
I could swim!'

Golf

A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:

Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh ... yes sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it , it's the least I can do.
And, I'll guarantee you a long & healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies?'

Karate Dog

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, 'If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you.' The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, 'This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?'

The employee says, 'No, this dog is special; he knows karate.'

'Karate? I don't believe it,' Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, 'Karate the sign.' And the dog runs up and rips the sign advertising dog food to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, 'Karate the chair.' And the dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

'I'll take him,' he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, 'This little thing, a watch dog? No way.'

Harold says, 'But this dog knows karate.'

'Karate,' she yells. 'Karate my ass!'

Being Faithful

An elderly man turns to his wife and asks if she’s ever cheated on him.

“I love you,” she says, “but I must confess. I’ve been unfaithful to you three times.”

“What?” yells the man. “When?”

“The first time was when we were denied a mortgage,” she explains. “I went to see the banker, and I persuaded him to give us the loan.”

“The second time you were ill and we had no insurance to cover the medical bills,” she says. “I went to the doctor and convinced him to treat you for free.”

“And what about the third time?” the husband demands.

“Remember when you ran for mayor,” the wife begins, “and you were behind by 300 votes?”

Beer Masters

After a Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask 'Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?' and the Guinness president replies 'Well, if you guys aren't drinking beers, neither will I.'

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....
third gay rooster I bought this month.' Moral of this
story? . Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -

age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

Jonathan Ross

Dear Jonathan Ross

I've just sh***ed your daughter. Who's laughing now?

Lots of love,

Gary Glitter x

Cooking

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of of silly but I took a bath.
I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Tom asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients on bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:
Tom's friends came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was a beefburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.
I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out beefburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

You know you're living in 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home; you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Grandma

Sometimes grandma shouldn't be so honest.

Grandma has been watching little Tony, her grandson and he's been playing outside with his friends for awhile.
When he came into the house and asked her,

'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.

'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'.

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you.'

Sometime Grandmas just can't WIN!!

Birdfeeder Raider

Ever worry about squirrels getting into your bird feeder?

Good grief, what is that line made of?

Answers given by school-age children

The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. .

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

The bartender

The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

Woss

IT'S HALLOWEEN

A man was walking home alone one foggy night, when behind him he hears?



BUMP?




BUMP?




BUMP?




Walking faster, he looks back?


And through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




BUMP?



BUMP?



BUMP?



Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him?



FASTER?



FASTER?



BUMP?



BUMP?




BUMP?



He runs up to his door? fumbles with his keys? opens the door? rushes in? slams and locks the door behind him.



However, the casket crashes through his door? with the lid of the casket clapping?



clappity BUMP?



clappity BUMP?



clappity BUMP?



on his heels? the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding? his head is reeling? his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH! the casket breaks down the door?



Bumping and clapping towards him?



The man screams and reaches for something? ANYTHING? but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!



Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket?



and?




(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)






The coffin stops.


****************************************************************

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16... Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24... He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs....A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Tough Love vs. Spanking

Most Americans think it improper to spank children.
My friends and brothers have tried other methods to control their kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, I Pod, etc.

Either way, the kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my friend's son, in case you would like to use the technique.






This works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.

Your computer has performed an illegal operation

1. The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
2. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
3. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
4. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
5. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
6. Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
7. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
8. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
9. Three things are certain!: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
10. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
11. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
12. Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped.
13. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
14. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

GOTTA GET ONE OF THESE!!!

Foreign language

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?, What for?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!"

Now, To Smile

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16... Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24... He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs....A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

Top Ten Country Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause She Might Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here .

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

Fruit Loops

Fruit Loops

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year shoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the hole in it.

He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say:

Red............cherry,

Yellow.........lemon,

Green..........lime,

Orange ........orange.

Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes !!'

On or Off

The Prawn

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted". And lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much better).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend come out and see me again".

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........




"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

Barbie Doll

One day on his way home from work a father suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the saleswoman, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The saleswoman replies, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed saleswoman rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls."

Silly signs

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Teaching Progress - SUMS It All Up!!!!

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit?


4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.


5. Teaching Maths In 2008

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.
If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)


6. Teaching Maths 2018

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة < /b>من الخشب من دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من> الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

Taliban

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water!

I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger
than that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find a lovely restaurant.

It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.







Your f*ck*ng brother won't let me in without a tie!'

Paddy n' Mick at the Saw Mill

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

Couple of days goes by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

'No,' says the nurse, 'some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.'

ATM Instructions

ATM Banking Procedures

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts.

Separate MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.''

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.............

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse, and back up to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Turn the radio down.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open the car door, to allow easy access to machine, due to its excessive distance from the vehicle.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card, the right way up.
10. Dig through handbag, to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel, and re enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make up, in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash, and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again, to locate wallet, and place cash inside.
17. Place receipt, in back of checkbook.
18. Recheck make-up again.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back, to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver queuing behind.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull away. . . . . . . . . . . .
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. . . . . . . . . . . . .
26. Release Parking Brake. . . . .