Staff Meeting

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 28, 2012 | No Comments

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.

Moses calls a staff meeting.

Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.

The General of the Armies: Normally, I’d recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there’s not enough time — the Egyptians are too close.

The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.

Moses: Does anyone have a solution?

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

Moses: You! You have a solution?

The PR Man — No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!

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Non-Smoking Dope

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 31. March 2011 | There are no comments

Two young guys were smoking dope COP delivery and appeared in front of a judge of the Court of Justice on Friday.

The judge said, "sounds like the Nice young men, and I want to give another possibility, which is rather than jail time. We want you to go out this weekend and to develop the use of other drugs and get them to give up drugs forever. See you back in court proceedings Monday. "

On Monday, two guys were on the Court and the judge said one of the "how you made the 1st? the weekend "

"No, your honor satisfied 17 people may waive the drug forever."

"17 people? This is wonderful. What can you tell? "

"I have used the diagram, your honor. 2. in that regard, drew a circle – the objectives of the internal differences O rehearsed unto them (the great circle) this is your brain on drugs before and this (small circle) is your brain on drugs. "

"That is admirable," said the judge. "And, (second son), how do you do?"

"No, your honor satisfied 156 people may waive the drug forever."

"156 people! This is awesome! How can you manage this? "

"No, I used a similar approach. (draw 2 circles) … I said (click the small circle) "this is the asshole in the prison before". "

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Postcard

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, “Sir, I’m sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can’t even hold a pen.”

“Certainly, sir,” said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”

The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you just add, ‘PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?’”

Scrubbing Bulkheads

I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced:

“Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Dis- continue all unnecessary work.”

An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement:

“Resume all unnecessary work.”

Ole and Clarence

Ole lived across River from Clarence who he didn’t like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other.

Ole would yell to Clarence, “If I had a vay to cross dis river, I’d come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!”

This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole’s wife, Lena, says, “Now is you chance, Ole, vhy don’t you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you volud?”

Ole says, “OK, by yimmy I tink I vill do yust dat” Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge an he stops to read it, then he turns around and comes back home.

Lena asked, “vhy did you come back?”

Ole said, “Lena, I tink I change my mind ’bout beatin’ up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says “Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in.” You know, he don’t look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river”

Postcard

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 23, 2012 | No Comments

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, “Sir, I’m sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can’t even hold a pen.”

“Certainly, sir,” said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”

The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you just add, ‘PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?’”

View the original article here

Off the Cliff

The two men are standing at the top of the off the edge of a cliff. One of the two budgies, one for each shoulder. The second is the Parrot and the shotgun.

The first guy off the Turkey red cliff and how birds fly out of the bottom. He crashes his flying rocks and rolls back. He seeks only to see his friend jump off too early.

Other than the guy falls and the Parrot flies off, he pulls up his gun, and a description of the Office of the ammutut bird just before the crash, as he too will be a key component in the page.

They are groaning in pain a little bit there, before the first guy says, "really does not appear in what should be so much information, budgerigar jumping!"

The second guy from the groan, and says, "I'm really not too impressed with the Shooting either free-fall parrot!"

Nurse

The hospital nurse was walking down the corridor when his supervisor spotted him. The supervisor could not believe it:

Nurse, his hair was unkempt Wrinkled dress, and his general dishevelment, one off the top of his chest, his uniform was hanging in front of the Open ended!

"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for around not only the search, such as the derelict, but their own breast milk by parading the hospital! "

"Oh," said the Nurse, as she breast milk, pasta in his account of his uniform, "those darn interns! They never put anything in the back, where they are, through the use of it! "

Nothing with you

The man was sitting in London on the train to the bag of fresh prawns, eating habits while ripping off the heads and shells, and throw them out the window.

When he was gobbled down some of the older woman opposite him, said, "would you mind not so? Is disgusting to watch. ".

"Listen, love." He replied, "there is nothing to thee, my roppakaupalla, the fare paid for this trip, you and I do what I want this on the train, as well as the Damn." He runs the ripping off the covers, throws them off the window and eating shrimps. Finally, he completed the bag and find out a little bit back to sleep.

The woman then began some knitting needles, and all the people to be heard at the same time, when he was trying to sleep was her knitting needles permanent disease-click.

After a while he sits back and says the woman, "" could, "stop that noise does not, you'll see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It has nothing to do with roppakaupalla," replies the old woman, "you've paid my fare and I do what I want to train.

Is that the man was a woman knitting needles and threw it out of window. Woman rose and pulled the power cord immediately alert the train.

Juhliimme, the man burst, and said, "Ha ha, you can get fined $ 200 that!"

That old woman replied, "and for a period of six years, when the police and the odour of the fingers".

Office Manager

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . “

OB-GYN visit

For all those who usually is insulted, OB-GYN-office … Melbourne, FL, one pays the money (100-500 €) for people to tell their stories in a very embarrassing to radio stations. In this case, netted the winner:

He said:

I had an appointment with the gynecologist due later in the week, when one morning, you will be able to call his Office. I had been rescheduled to early in the morning, 9: 30 am.

I was just compress all of the school and it was already 8: 45. His trip lasted about 35 minutes, in General, so I was not always spare parts. Like most women, I am sure, I like a little extra effort taken over hygiene, making such visits, but this time I am not going to be made to complete the effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw out of my morning jacket, wet washcloth, wash, and gave myself "in that area" on the front of the pool, make sure that the careful became presentable.

Washcloth returned the clothes basket donned clothing, hopped in the car, and my appointment.

I was waiting time in space, when he called me, just a few minutes. Knowing the procedure, because I am sure that the roads, hopped on the table, I looked at the other side of the room and I was lying in Hawaii, or in any other place a million miles away from here.

I was a little surprised when he said "My … we made a little extra effort this morning, there is no such thing as we do?", but did not respond.

The appointment was over. Huokaisivat relief and went home. The rest of the day went to normal … some shopping, cleaning, and a full, etc. 8: 30 That evening, my daughter had a 14-year-old to go to the school dance, the fixing of the time when he called in the bathroom,

"What is my Mother – a washcloth?"

Back to another is called his Cabinet. He plays back the

"No! Do I need it, who was here for the handler. It was all the glitter and säkenöintiä in it.

Survey

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 25, 2012 | No Comments

A marketing guy was interviewing people on the street had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this. .

Which shaving cream do you use?

The gent answered, Baba’s, and the guy proceeded to answer each of the interviewer’s following questions with the same answer, Baba’s…

Which aftershave do you use?

Which deodorant do you use?

Which toothpaste do you use?

Which shampoo do you use?

Which soap do you use?

Finally, a bit frustrated, the interviewer asked,

“Ok, tell me, What is this ‘Baba’? Is it an international or foreign company?”

The guy replies. . . .

“No, he’s my room-mate!”

View the original article here

Survey

A marketing guy was interviewing people on the street had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this. .

Which shaving cream do you use?

The gent answered, Baba’s, and the guy proceeded to answer each of the interviewer’s following questions with the same answer, Baba’s…

Which aftershave do you use?

Which deodorant do you use?

Which toothpaste do you use?

Which shampoo do you use?

Which soap do you use?

Finally, a bit frustrated, the interviewer asked,

“Ok, tell me, What is this ‘Baba’? Is it an international or foreign company?”

The guy replies. . . .

“No, he’s my room-mate!”

Stupid True Headlines

- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

- Farmer Bill Dies in House

- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

- Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

- Stud Tires Out

- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

- Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

- Eye Drops off Shelf

- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

- Include your Children When Baking Cookies

- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

- Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

- Miners Refuse to Work after Death

- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

- Stolen Painting Found by Tree

- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

- Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

- Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

- War Dims Hope for Peace

- If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

- Deer Kill 17,000

- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

- Air Head Fired

- Steals Clock, Faces Time

- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

- Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

- Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Whiskey

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. “Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

Whiskey

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 22, 2012 | No Comments

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. “Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

View the original article here

The 1950s Home

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 12, 2012 | No Comments

A lot has changed in 50 years…

The following is from a 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls: “How to prepare for married life.”

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

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One of the Parachute

On a plane, which is about to crash, with three passengers: land, wisest man, student and politician.

When they find out that the level is go down, and between the three of them have only one parachute they debate that sacrifice his life in the country, and who go to safety.

Politician says he is responsible for running the country, so of course he should be the one to go to.

Of wise men on the man says, he is now serve mankind, so he should be the same as the punaturkki.

The student says he is in the future, and he should be the recipient of the parachute.

Speaks of a child, the wise man grabs out of the bag and remote region of wildly away.

Politician is astounded, but the student remains calm.

"Why are you so calm? We are both about to die! "exclaims politician.

Student answers, "soon the wisdom of the just leapt with my school bag, the future can hang with the politics and feel safe."

On the wrong side of the bed

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 19. January 2011 | There are no comments

The young priest receives the morning breakfast and moves. On his way to two nuns to find him, and he says, "good morning sisters".

They sing a song, "you got the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This stuns the priest, who thought he was very polite, but he just goes. He finds his brother a little while later, and he says, "good morning brother."

Brother replies to sing the song, the voice of "you got the wrong side of the bed this morning."

The priest was very confused by this and goes. He gets a little farther away, and he becomes a priest and the entire yourself, he says, "good morning father."

The priest replied to sing the song, "you got the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Now the priest was crazy. He will continue his walk, saying no one word in the dinning hall. Bishop sees him and says, "the father …"

The young priest was going to take any more, even though the Bishop. He searches for the Bishop and says, "does not get on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Bishop looks at him stunned and says "what?"

The priest realized his mistake and said, "I'm sorry, that Holiness, what is it you wanted".

Let him review and says, "all that was going to do was to ask why you had a sister Ann shoes?"

View the original article here

Petroleum jelly

Find the pay phone someone's House nearby. Make sure that you will be able to see the residence of the phone. Put the Vaseline to the ear and the mouthpiece. Apartments to go and call on the phone. Someone walking by to pick up and put it in their adoption; When this occurs, they feel, they head for the Vaseline.See their expression and enjoy. ”

Pilots’ Wisdom

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.

4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.