Republican or Democrat?

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 7, 2012 | No Comments

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a (political party).” “I am,”replied the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a (political party).” “I am,”replied the balloonist. “How did you know?” “Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”

View the original article here

Problem with a Dog

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.

Police Quotes

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?

Pregnant

A very popular girl that went to her doctor and said that she was pregnant. The doctor says, "I know that you're not married! Do you know who the father is this, baby? " The idea, and then asked the girl, "Doc,"? " If the ate can Baked Beans, you know what the bean made you fart

The Church Gossip

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 2, 2012 | No Comments

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, in accusing new-member George after she saw his pickup truck parked all afternoon in front of the town’s only bar. Said Sarah, “Everyone seeing it there would just know that he was an alcoholic!”

George, a taciturn sort, stared at her for a moment before simply walking away, saying nothing.

Later that evening, George parked his pickup in front of Sarah’s house.

And proceeded to leave it there all night.

View the original article here

Pathan is toll-free in the United States and Canada

Pathan passenger, who drop being picked up by bus stop of the bus driver. He requested this hulky, high, red, music, Turban, the use of search Pathan to pay the sulky. Pathan replied, "Pathan and pay." and available on the seat of the sat.

The driver felt offended. After this, it shall be treated as if it happens everyday. Driver decided to face him. He took the karate lessons, wrestling for expensive lessons, Boxing lessons, kung-fu lessons, finally graduated from an unbeatable.

Pathan became a bus this time he asked Pathan to pay the price of the bus. Pathan responded to the same "Pathan does not pay."

The driver started swinging in the air will be warned of the consequences of terrorist acts, and claimed that he is not paying pay now.

Surprised to see his face daunting Pathan fell and replied, "we do not pay, the old Pathan, free senior buspass."

PEARL THE ISSUE

When he woke up, the woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means? "

"You know tonight.", he said.

Every evening, a man came home with a small package, and gave his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled – "of Dreams"
When he woke up, the woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means? "

"You know tonight.", he said.

Every evening, a man came home with a small package, and gave his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled – "of Dreams"

The 1950s Home

A lot has changed in 50 years…

The following is from a 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls: “How to prepare for married life.”

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Skeleton In The Closet

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 4, 2012 | No Comments

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, “We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.”

The police said, “It’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.”

“Well, who was it?”

“The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

View the original article here

RANDOM FRIDAYS

The memo and the No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting a casual day on Fridays, so that employees can submit their diversity.

The memo and the No. 2:
Girls spandex and leather micro-make fashion statements: miniskirts are not appropriate attire casual day. And string ties, or belt buckles rodeo.

The Memo No. 3:
Random day refers to the dress, not only attitude. The design of the Friday's wardrobe, remember the picture is the key to the success of the us.

The Memo No. 4:
Casual dress for the day of the seminar to be held from Friday in the Café. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

The Memo No. 5:
As Friday's seminar, the tumor has been designated by the Committee, the Committee on 14-day Task Force members, casual to prepare guidelines for the proper dress.

The Memo No. 6:
Random day of the Task Force has completed the 30-page manual. "Relaxing the dress without Relaxing the company standards" copy is mailed to each employee. Check the "do you have what you can use the" read and hear the "Home" business casual "or" casual "checklist before submitting work every Friday of the cages. If you have any doubts about the appropriateness of an item of apparel, please contact your representative before Friday at CDTF 7-18.

The Memo No. 7:
The lack of participation in the casual day has been terminated, effective immediately.

Railway Company

Lady: this is my train?
The drive Master: no, it is the responsibility of the Railway Company.
Lady: do not try to be funny. I mean ask if I take this train in the direction of Kuala Lumpur.
The drive Master: n: O Madam, I am afraid is too heavy.

Raw materials

After graduating from high school, one day, the teacher that he decided to teach the science class about raw materials. He stood in front of the class and said,

"Children, if one of the raw material may be established under the auspices of the world, what it should be?"

Little Stevie raised his hands and said, "the use of gold, because gold is a lot of money and can buy a Corvette."

Nyökkäsi and urged that steps be taken to a little Susie teacher. Little Susie said, "would like Platinum because of Platinum is more than gold, and Porsche can buy"

Teacher smiled and then invite Little Adam. A little bit of Adam was and said, "would like to have a Silicon."

A teacher said, "Adam, why Silicon?"

"Because my mom has two bags and parked outside our House sports cars should appear!"

Pure's wife

Posted a day in the life of a joke | April 25, 2011 | There are no comments

Was the man who wanted to clean the wife. So he started to attend church to find a suitable woman. He met with the gal, who seemed Nice, so he took him home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks, "what is this?"

He is responsible for the "cock."

He decides that he is obviously not sufficiently clean.

A couple of weeks later, he meets another gal, and is soon to be his home. Again he pulls off his manhood and ask the question.

He is responsible for the "Cock".

He is pissed because he showed more of a pure first but may very well.

A couple of weeks later, he meets the gal, which shows the actual clean. He did not go home to him for a long time, but eventually he gets him to his house. He whips it and asks, "what is this?"

She giggles and says "the cat-cat" he thinks he may require, that he finally found his woman.

They get married, but after several months, whenever he sees her he giggles and says, "that is a cat-a cat." He eventually breaks down and says "see, this is not a cat-a cat, it is a cock."

He is, and says, "no it's not stupid, the male is 12 cm long and black."

View the original article here

What Their Daddy’s Do

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 9, 2012 | No Comments

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy’s do.

Little Mary went first,

“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people’s lives”

“That’s wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”

View the original article here

Skeleton In The Closet

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, “We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.”

The police said, “It’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.”

“Well, who was it?”

“The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

Republican or Democrat?

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a (political party).” “I am,”replied the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a (political party).” “I am,”replied the balloonist. “How did you know?” “Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”

What Their Daddy’s Do

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy’s do.

Little Mary went first,

“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people’s lives”

“That’s wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”

The Church Gossip

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, in accusing new-member George after she saw his pickup truck parked all afternoon in front of the town’s only bar. Said Sarah, “Everyone seeing it there would just know that he was an alcoholic!”

George, a taciturn sort, stared at her for a moment before simply walking away, saying nothing.

Later that evening, George parked his pickup in front of Sarah’s house.

And proceeded to leave it there all night.

Frozen Turkeys

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

Collectibles

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 8, 2011 | No Comments

Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their pets.

One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up and put them back on the shelf. The next week the same thing happened.

That afternoon my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase.

“Tippy,” she asked the dog, “how do your bones keep getting up there?”

View the original article here

Recognises The

There was once a young woman, who went to confession. Upon confessional, he said, "forgive me father, for I have sinned."

The priest, said, "in recognition of your sins and forgiven."

The young woman said, "the last night of my boyfriend made mad passionate love me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "the Squeeze and drink a glass of seven lemons, then the juice."

The young woman asked, "is this cleanse my transgressions: and my SIN?"

The priest said, "No, but it will Wipe that smile off your face,". "

Rectum deodorant

A blonde walks in a pharmacy and ask the Assistant for some of the rectum of deodorant.

As a pharmacist in a slightly bemused, explains to the woman, they do not sell to the rectum of deodorant and ever.

Unfazed, blonde hot he has been a pharmacist that the purchases from this site on a regular basis and you would like to Add a bit of stuff.

"I'm sorry," says a pharmacist, "" we have nothing. "

"But always it here," says a blonde.

"You have it will tank?" ask the pharmacist

"Yes!", said the blonde, "" I go home and get it. "

He returns to the store and with the hands of a pharmacist, who will review it and tells him,

"This is just a normal flash drive hihojen deodorant."

Angry, the pale back and snatches the container store, reads aloud

"PUSH DOWN UNTIL THE APPLY."

Report cards

Actual NYC teachers on their report cards for their final narration, annotations. All the teachers were reprimanded!

1. in my last report, after your child has its lowest point, and has begun to dig in.
2. does not allow this student spawned.
3. your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. your child has a choice in the village idiot.
5. my son, set low standards and consistently fails to achieve them.
6. the Student is "fully six pack", but it is missing documents in the possession of the plastic together.
7. this child has been arrested too.
8. when the tour is a subsidiary of IQ reaches 50, he would be sold.
9. Ports are down, the lights are blinking, but the train is not here.
10. If the student no longer stupid, he is kasteltava twice a week.
11. it is impossible to believe, the sperm, which created this child to beat off the other million.
12. a bicycle is coming, but the Hamster is gone.

Police Quotes

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 14, 2011 | No Comments

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?

View the original article here

Release

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 4. February 2011 | There are no comments

Tim and Nancy lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right in the heart of Downtown. Their house was literally right in the heart of downtown. But they had no indoor plumbing. They had, however, available. The parents of Tim got even further, it seemed to get off.

One night, he decided to skip only to travel. Instead, he decided to relieve himself in front of the porch just right.

Nancy was pretty pissed about its decision. "Tim, you moron. Our neighbors will see when you do, you know. "

"It's dark out," said, "they don't see me" Tim

"Of course they can," explained Nancy, "on the porch light silhouetted against you, and they tell me, what do you do"

He should not take into account the fact that a lot of thought, so he promised his wife, he does not render it again.

Too many nights later, even though it is connected to the Most cold. Right in the middle of the night, he had to piss as a race horse. He rose to the top of the page, he ran out of his sneakers and places of business as a bedroom.

He was in two Shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious wives are apt to be, said, "you don't have gone a very long."

"Pretty."

"Went off the porch, you?"

"Yes, I'm done."

"We had to talk about this, remember? Neighbors can see you. They know it was you, and what there was doing. Are you at least bit embarrassed? "

"" Naw ", they do not know me! At this time was squatting down! "

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Relaxing

Posted on Day joke | 12. December 2010 | No Comments

One of the Sun in the Americas was temporary Singh at the beach.
The woman came and asked him, "are you a relaxing?"
Singh, answered, "no, I am Banta Singh".

Another guy came and asked him the same question.
Answered, Singh "n: O n: O Me Banta Singh!"
Thirdly, one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was fully harmissaan and decided to move his.
At the same time, walking he saw another Singh, soaking in the Sun.

He went to her and asked, "are you Relaxing?"

Other Singh was much better educated and replied, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Singh, hit his face and said, "the stupid idiot.
All of the searches for you and you're sitting over here! "

View the original article here

Rich and lonely widow

 rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:

THE RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN'S CONTRIBUTION TO THE LIFE AND FORTUNE THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. DOES NOT WIN ME
2. DOES NOT RUN OFF
3. MUST HAVE a LARGE BED

For several months, his phone rings his Doorbell, was constantly ringing tones, he received the absurd mail … all tonnes. None of the men seemed to meet his qualifications.

Then, the Doorbell rang one day yet again. He opened the door to find the man, not the arms and legs lying on the mat is not Welcome. Perplexed, he asked, "who are you and what?"

"Hello," said the man, "the search is over. for I am your man of your dreams, now is not the arms so I can beat you, and now so does the setae can not run away. "

The old woman asked, "what makes you think you are such a big bed?"

And he replied, "the Doorbell rang, you?"