Speech Impediment

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:

“If I ask you a question, would you promise to answer me honestly?”

“Yeah, sure thing,” replied his friend, “fire away.”

“Well,” said the first guy, “why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?”

“It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy.

“What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow. “My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!”

“Well,” replied his friend, “you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!”

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New Pair of Glasses

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 15, 2011 | No Comments

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, “But you just got a new pair last month!”

“Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,” stammered the private.

“Accident, what kind of an accident?” The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, “Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?”

“No, no nothing of those…” said the private.

“Well then, what is it?”

“I’d rather not tell you sir…”

“Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses,” said the medical officer, ready to stand up, “I’ve to see my patients now.”

“No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl,” blurted the private.

“Don’t be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?”

“You see, she crossed her legs…..”

View the original article here

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David Copperfield

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 14, 2011 | No Comments

A high school girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party all alone.

Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her Mom said,

“It is very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him ‘What will be the name of our baby?’, that will scare them off.” So off she went.

After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her and, little by little, kissing her and touching her. She asked him, “What will our baby be called?”

The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later the same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders… she stopped him and asked him ‘What will be the name of our baby?’,

He ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes he started kissing her and she asked him, “What will our baby be called?”

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. “What will our baby be called?” she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her. “What will our baby be called?!” she asked again.

After he was done, he peeled off his condom, tied it in a knot and said,

“…if he gets out of this one…David Copperfield!”

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Doggie Style

A girl went to the doctor with her knees all cut up. The doctor said, “What happened to your knees?” She replied, “It’s from making love doggie-style.” The doctor asked, “Don’t you know any other position besides doggie style?” She said, “Yeah…but my doggie doesn’t.”

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Dear Dr. Laura

For those of you who may not be aware of the recent controversy in North America that has to do with Laura Schlessinger: she is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show.

Paramount Television Group is currently producing a “Dr. Laura” television show. Recently she has become a convert to Judaism, and now she is Ba’al T’shuvah. Recently, she has made some statements about homosexuals that has caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure her.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the internet…

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific biblical laws and how to best follow them. Specifically:

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some flexibility here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14).

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Anita Heiss

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Doctor Assistant

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. “Ole, I am goin’ huntin’ tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Ole, how was your day?”

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.”

“Bravo, Mate, and the second one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,” says Ole.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts, “HELP ME – I haven’t seen a man in over two years !! ”

“Ole, what did you do?” asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes!!”

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Double Standard

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor’s office.

“We have come for an examination,” said the young girl.

“Alright,” said the doctor. “Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.”

“No, not me,” said the girl. “it’s my old aunt here.”

“Very well,” said the doctor. “Madam, stick out your tongue….”

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Drugstore Counter

A man walks up to the drugstore counter and asks for some condoms. The man behind the counter tells him to go see Edna in aisle 4.

So the man finds Edna. Edna grabs him by the crotch, then gets on the PA system and says,

“Medium condom. Medium condom.”

Well the man is very embarrassed, but goes to the counter to get his condoms.

Later, a second man goes up to the counter to get some condoms. The druggist tells him to go see Edna in aisle 4.

Same thing happens, Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says,

“Large condom, this man needs a large condom.”

The man is quite pleased, and goes to pick up his condoms.

Next a teenager goes into the drugstore to buy some condoms for the very first time. He’s told to go see Edna is aisle 4.

Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says,

“Clean-up in aisle 4, clean-up in aisle 4.”

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Island Ferry

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”

The girl nodded ‘yes.’ After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

“What are you doing here?” the Captain asked.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”

“He sure is, lady… This is the Staten Island Ferry!”

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Dumb as a box of Rocks

And last, but not least: Dumb as a box of Rocks

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

‘Would you mind telling me, Doctor,’ she asked, ‘how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?’

‘Nothing is easier,’ he replied. ‘You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.’

‘What sort of question?’ asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?”

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, ‘You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history..’

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Greek Style

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn’t take long before he is on the stool next to her. They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman,

“You’re really hot!”

“You’re pretty cute, too,” she says to him. “I’ll tell you what… I live just around the corner – what do you think about coming up to my place?”

“That sounds great!” the man eagerly replies.

“Before we go up there, though,” the woman says, “I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?”

“Well…uh…I’m not exactly sure what that is,” the man answers, “but it sure sounds interesting and I’m willing to learn! Let’s go!”

So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can’t believe his eyes! She has an incredibly beautiful body. “Now, you’re *sure*,” the woman asks, “that you want to do it Greek style?”

“Definitely!” the man replies.

“All right, then,” says the woman. “Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees.”

“Sounds like fun!” the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.

She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, “Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?”

“Yeah! Yeah, let’s go!” says the man.

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can’t move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, “Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?”

The man’s muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. “Mmmf, yeah!” he mumbles, “Greek style!”

The woman’s grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out,

“Spiro!! Come and get it!”

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Guilty of Obscenity

It was a difficult case for the jurors. They had to decide whether the owners of the Bottoms Up Club in NYC were guilty of obscenity. The Judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to the club and see the allegedly obscene act.

The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part where a sexy couple performed the “Dance of Love” with a climactic scene of lovemaking on a bearskin rug. The jury was unable to decide definitely whether it was obscene or not. So the jury members asked to see the act one more time. They watched it carefully again. But they still couldn’t reach a decision. So this time they asked the understudies to perform the same act one more time.

Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very understanding. According to the Detective: “It is a difficult matter. The police have watched the show 75 times.”

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Enough Time On The Computer

1.A friend calls and says, “How are you? Your phones have been busy for a year!”

2.You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3.You see something funny and scream, “LOL, LOL.”

4.You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU’VE GOT MAIL.

5.You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6.You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

7.You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

8.Tech support calls YOU for help.

9.You beg your friends to get an account so you can “hang out.”

10.You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11.You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12.You say “he he he he” or “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.

13.You say “SCROLL UP” when someone asks what it was you said.

14.You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

15.You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

16.You look at an annoying person off-line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

17.You start to experience “withdrawal” after not being online for a while.

18.”Where did the time go?”

19.You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.

20.You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21……You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….

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Elderly Widow

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 18, 2011 | No Comments

Worried that they hadn’t heard anything for days from the elderly widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son,

“Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?”

A few minutes later, Tony returned.

“Well, is she all right?” asked the mother.

“She’s fine, but she’s rather annoyed with you,” remarked Tony.

“At me?” the mother exclaimed. “Whatever for?”

Tony replied, “Mrs. Pierpoint said it’s none of your business how old she is.”

View the original article here

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Yellow Buttercups

The golf course toward the end of Harry managed somehow to hit his ball into forests. He found it patch pretty yellow buttercups. Attempts to get his ball play, he ended up buttercup trashing almost every patch.

All of a sudden … POOF! Flash and smoke puff appeared only a little old woman. He said,

"I am the mother nature! You know how long it took me to make these buttercups? A longer duration for compulsory military service, you do not need anything for your own popcorn, butter and concentrated butter for use in your life; the rest of the better and the deposit facility will remain unchanged; You do not need anything in your own toast, butter and concentrated butter for the life of ... as for the rest of the facts of the case, you do not need anything at the end of your life, all you have to do is nothing! "

THEN PUUF! . . . . He was gone.

When Harry was itself a hold, he hollered his friend

"Fred, which you can?"

Fred yells, "I am here, pussy willows through."

Harry yells back … …

"DO NOT SWING JUHA!!! DO NOT SWING THE LINE OF "

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Women are nothing but trouble

These two boys were both just got divorced, and they swore that they never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up North to Alaska to go and never see the woman again.

They got up and went to the store, seller, and told him, ' give us enough supplies to last the two men for one year. "

The trader was one of the gear and each one of the top of the deliveries, he provided the Panel with the fur around the hole in the hole.

The guys asked, "what is the Government?"

The trader said, "well, if you're not women, and you may need this."

They said "no way! We've sworn off women's lives! Women are nothing but trouble. "

The trader said, "well, the boards of appeal with you, and if you do not use them to refund the money next year.

"Okay," said and left.

The following year, this guy came and said to the supplier site

"Give me a few deliveries in the last one man for one year."

The operator said, "no, you can here last year with your partner?"

"Yeah," said Guy.

"If he or she?" asked the trader.

"I shot him," said Guy.

"Why?"

"I got him in bed with my Board!"

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With the address book is the story of the

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 27. February 2011 | There are no comments

Blond set the reception of the book and says, librarian

"This book is not in the story and too many characters."

Librarian says, "so that it went in the phone book."

View the original article here

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Walking on Water

All of his life Roger from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they’d walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Roger’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Roger stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Roger went to see his grandmother. “Grandma, it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked into Roger’s eyes and said, “Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July.”

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How an ATM works…

I rode home with a female coworker about five years ago. I asked her to wait for me while I used the ATM machine. She asked if I trusted “those people.”

“People *who*?” I asked?

She said, “The ATM operates by having a person inside the box. Every time you put in your card, he takes it, looks at it, and checks his paper files and folders for your account number. Here he can find your PIN and check the balance. This person then asks you to ENTER your PIN, cross checks it, and if all matches, you can proceed. If not, he keeps your card.

“If you ask for a statement, he types it from his books and you get the printout. If you ask for a withdrawal, he checks the balance and any restrictions, and if all is ok, gives you the amount. He *then* calls all of the other branches and ATMs, tells them how much you’ve withdrawn, so they can update *their* books.

“Wonder where they find all those little people at??”

This person with her ATM theory might have been misinformed…

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Never Sick

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn’t take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. “What’s that?” she demanded.

“If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma,” said one of the interns, “just press that button.”

“What does it do, ring a bell?” she asked.

“No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty,” the intern replied.

“A light in the hall?” responded Grandma. “Look, I’m the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself.”

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Married Couple

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

“Well,” said her mother, “so – how was the honeymoon?”

“Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…”

Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language – things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home… PLEASE MAMA!”

“Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?”

“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed – they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!”

“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset… Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”

Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, mama…words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook…”

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Gods Letter

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter stood before his Boss ready to present his findings.

“Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out? God asked.

“I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There’s drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it – a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worse is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists are recommending it. I’m afraid it has reached epidermic proportions.

“Hmmm,” God said thoughtfully, “Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?”

“I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engage in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgement Day if they do not stop this type of activity,” replied St. Peter.

“That is an effective solution,” God stated, “but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let’s send a letter that’s personally signed by me to each one of those people.

And so they did. Do you know what the letter said?

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So you didn’t get the letter either?

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Extra Large Condoms

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.

He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”

She responds, “No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?”

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Exhausted Wife

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 28, 2011 | No Comments

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.

“Don’t you love him anymore?” asked the lawyer.

“Oh, I still love him,” she replied, “but all he ever wants is make love, I can’t take it anymore.”

“Instead of divorcing him, why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.

As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the move on her.

“Not so fast,” she replied. “From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”

“Well, then,” he said. “Here’s $50.”

The wife began walking to the bedroom.

“Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand. “That’ll be five times in the kitchen!”

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First Lady

One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn’t too luxurious.

When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president’s secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle why he was so interested in talking to her. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.

President Obama then said, ” Oh, so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant” , to which Michelle responded, “No, if I had married him, he would now be the President”

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Her Story / His Story

A couple have been in a relationship for about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going. I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he’s still a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it’s me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I’m not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don’t know what the hell that means because, you know, he doesn’t say it back or anything so when we get back to his place I’m wondering if he’s going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I’m going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and, I dunno, I just don’t know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else ???

His story:

Shit day at work. Great fuck later.

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Hemorrhoids

Suffering from a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay fellow goes to see his doctor. After his examination the physician prescribes suppositories twice a day.

When it comes time to use the first suppository the young man is concerned he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom, bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target.

All of a sudden, his penis start to stiffen, blocking his view.

“Oh, stop it,” the young man scolds his organ, “it’s only me.”

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Heavenly Soul

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 26, 2010 | No Comments

A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul, he must answer two questions:

1.Name two days of the week that begin with “T”.
2.How many seconds are in a year?

The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered…

1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, “OK, I’ll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it’s not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?”
The Singh replied, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,etc…”

Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

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Hold Your Liquor

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

“I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.”

The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this drink’s on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I’d like to buy you a drink for your birthday too.”

The woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I’ll have a Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming up,” says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, “I’d like to buy you one too.”

The woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I’d like another Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Comin’ right up,” says the bartender.

As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The woman replies, “Sonny, by the time you’re my age you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole different story.”

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Scottish Lad

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while, when the lass said, “A penny for your thoughts.”

The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, “Well, I was thinkin’ how nice it would be if ye’d give me a wee bit of a kiss.”

So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, “What are ye thinkin’ now?”

To which the lad grumbled, “Well, I was hopin’ ye hadn’t forgot the penny!”

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Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear

Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter who says to Hef,

“You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your pornography. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without having even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth for all eternity.”

Hef decides that this will be easy, for the tunnel is only 100 feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following close behind. About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans closer to Hef and whispers in his ear . . . “Tits”

A trap door opens and Hef falls down into Hell.

St. Peter then goes to Heather Locklear and says,

“You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your sexy looks and provocative behavior. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without having even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth for all eternity.”

Heather begins her trek down the tunnel with St. Peter close behind. About half way down St. Peter leans closer to Heather to whisper in her ear.

A trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell.

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Inexperienced Curry Taster

Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban, South Africa from the U.S.

“Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Curry # 1: Manoj’s Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Indian fellow’s are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy’s Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk’s Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barbu’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Curry # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Curry # 7: Sugash’s Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansraj’s Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: ————–
(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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How About 68

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 3, 2011 | No Comments

A very tired husband came home from the office after a long grueling day to find his wife in her sexiest nightgown waiting for him at the door with a couple of glasses of wine in hand.

She took his briefcase from him and led him over to the couch where she proceeded to help make him “more comfortable.”

“How should we do it tonight, honey?” she cooed in his ear, “Shall we do 69?”

“I don’t think so dear. I’m pretty tired. How about 68?” he said.

“Huh, 68? What’s 68?” she asked, a little puzzled.

“You do me, and I’ll owe you one.”

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Jacking Off

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 5, 2011 | No Comments

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on there weren’t any common terms for female masturbation.

“I’ve always called it ‘jilling off’,” said one of the women.

“But that’s just a feminization of ‘jacking off,’” said the first.

“You’re right,” said another. “We don’t seem to have any slang terms of our own for it.”

The fourth woman snorted. “After fourteen years of marriage, there’s only one thing I call it.”

“What’s that?”

“Finishing the job.”

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Jerome is Dead

While walking home from work one day, Frank saw a woman weeping uncontrollably. “What’s wrong?” he asked, putting an arm around her shoulder. “It’s horrible,” she said, “just horrible — Jerome is dead!” Feeling there was little he could do, Frank walked on. A few minutes later, he came upon another woman crying hysterically. “Jerome is dead!” she screamed as she staggered past. Continuing along the road, Frank came upon a sickening sight: a big bear of a man lay on the road beneath the wheels of a truck. The force of the impact had ripped the man’s clothes off and, much to Frank’s surprise, the man had a penis over a foot long. There were several other women surrounding him screaming, “’Jerome is dead! Jerome is dead!” Upon reaching his house, he said to his wife, “Honey, you won’t believe what i just saw. A man was lying in the road, stiff as a board — and he had an endowment at least fourteen inches long.” “Sweet Jesus,” she said, “Jerome is dead?!”

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The Nurse

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn’t believe it:

The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

“MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!”

“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they’re through using it!”

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Killer Jigsaw Puzzle

Jazzmin O’Shea, a blonde accountant calls her boyfriend and says, Please come over here and help me…I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She Lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, then……………….lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

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Tagging Birds

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:

Wash. Biol. Surv.

Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

“Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.”

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

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Ladies Man

Perry fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn’t believe his good fortune.

They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.

Perry threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Perry swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. “You can’t believe how happy I am to see you,” he cried.

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, “You’re a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!”

“Shit,” sighed Perry, “there go my Sundays.”

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Strange

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.”

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

“That’s Strange!”

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OB-GYN Visit

For all those who tend to be humiliated at the OB-GYN office… In Melbourne, FL one of the radio stations paid money ($100-500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner:

She said:

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office. I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 am.

I had just packed everyone off to school and it was 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I’m sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in “that area” in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car, and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure as I’m sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.

I was a little surprised when he said “My…we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” but I didn’t respond.

The appointment was over. I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal…some shopping, cleaning, and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening, my 14-year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance when she called down from the bathroom,

“Mom – where’s my washcloth?”

I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back

“No! I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it!!!!

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Lips On The Mirror

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.

They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

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LAST NIGHT!!!

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can’t forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body…you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night’s events.

My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you… as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won’t let you go, will hold you with all my strength so you won’t disappear.

I won’t rest until I squeeze your blood out….. you friggin’ mosquito!

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LIKE A HORSE AND CARRIAGE

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous…or what?”

“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.”

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Moral

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”

“And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Now, Lucy?”

“Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.”

“That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”

“Don’t fuck with Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking.”

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Maintenance Cost

Employee : The New Joinee is getting much more then most of us. Is it the right way to treat your old assets?

Employer : Our employee are assets for the company but keep in mind, that assets also depreciate with time. As a result, we have to get new ones at a higher cost and reduce the maintenance cost of older ones.

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Lovely Pool

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 1, 2010 | No Comments

A good looking woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn’t see anyone, and undressed.

Naked and just as she was about to dive in, the orchard grower appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

“You could have told me that before I undressed!” she scolded him.

He replied, “Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isn’t…”

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