Yakov's Jokes From the Folks

Highlights Yakov's hilarious interactions with his audiences.

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The Perfect Dump

The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it’s rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that’s not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Caesarian Dump Pain!
That’s what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there’s no obstetrician to help.

The Beer Dump
Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper’s tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn’t matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump
Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump
Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You notice it has three rest rings encircling it. You wonder admiringly, “DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?” You leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump
In case you didn’t know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don’t ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump
This is the masterpiece of dumps. It’s as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that’s going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump
You’re done…you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains…no, someone would say “Where are the curtains?” Then what would you say? The rug?…too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every “empty roll dumper” must face…Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Dump
You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you’re wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump
You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn’t pretty, but you’ve gotta do what you gotta do.

The Alfresco Dump
Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Childbirth Dump
This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn’t going to get any better. You wonder if you’ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming “Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf”. You realize you’ll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump
The phrase “Shit Happens” really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you’d be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump
You’re just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of the sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16…damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem 3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump
You have enough on your mind when you’re in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can’t reach to do this…hum loudly.

The Cling-On Dump
For the most part you’ve completed your dump, but there’s one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You’re getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

The Houdini Dump
You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where’d it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe…maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You’d better, because if you don’t, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

The Flu Dump
You feel so bad that you don’t know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again…up down up down. Don’t you wish Mum were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump
Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, “Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin”. It’s claustrophobic and it smells bad…best advice…go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump
In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn’t create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That’s right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You’ve only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you’re a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it doesn’t seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump
You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there…love it or leave it. Its your choice.

The Encore Dump
Ahhhh, you’re done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world’s record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump
This is a dump that’s going so badly, you say “Lord, if I live through this, I’ll take up religion” you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth…you forget the pain quickly.

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The Difference Between Men and Women

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 31, 2011 | No Comments

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward… I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer… Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he Wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and shove it …………….

“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

“What?” says Roger, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have… Oh gosh, I feel so…” (She breaks down, sobbing.)

“What?” says Roger.

“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Roger.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.

No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that…it’s that I… I need some time,” Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) “Yes,” he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Roger.

“That way about time,” says Elaine.

“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes…”

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

“Thank you, Roger,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

“Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

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You may not be joking!

I don't know about you, but I get much of a joke my emails arrive in the goods. One guy in particular now that hardly a day without something to go by.

Sometimes they are half-splittingly hilarious, and at other times, they will not only make the grade-I suppose there is a question of taste.

In any case, had set up a cleaning agent to dissolve contaminants, or Outlook Express, you will be able to make the hard disk space, more recently, the personal folders (now a whopping 20 Gb and already I get a little space-be these Mp3s...)

Anyways, I knew I was in the "Vitsejä'" folder, in the light of the large amount of memory (it is full of pictures, video files, and so on), so I decided to cull was needed.

I went down in the list, I had no problem in removing the turkeys, but it broke my heart to delete jokes that could make me laugh for the second time around.

And then it hit me. Why not make a perfect Funniest Stuff ebook? In this way, I removed the hard disk and compress them all neatly packaged in one ebook-file. And thus, the "101 jokes via email to your friends-" the idea was born.

It was never my intention to sell this ebook. However, it was never my confidence either that it might turn out to be a resounding success.

Sure, I knew that it would be popular with visitors. When all joke collection is always a popular idea, and it's free, well Hey, the better.

However, the point is, I never fully understood just how much of the other fun little book can create. You will receive at least 100 extra visitors EVERY DAY, thanks to the book, which only I put together to save disk space.

Not bad enjoyable "work" for two hours.

What is the moral of the story?

Very is the three of them:

MORAL # 1: Free e-books is the best way to promote the company on the Internet.

MORAL # 2: People like jokes! Humor is always in demand, and Yes, many people are willing to pay for it.

But here is a tip, if you plan to sell the joke--e-books do not follow the General "101 jokes" ebook. It sold some copies, but not enough. A much better approach is to apply to the user group.

Instead of the "101 Dance Jokes to e-mail Your Friends, why not" 101 hilarious jokes, I think, for the mothers waiting "," 101 hilarious jokes to lawyers with the conscience "or" 101 hilarious jokes Dairy farmers. "

Okay, I admit that the second title is not much in the market, but imagine the other:) to the novelty of the idea of the value of the gift.

Okay the joke books will take you to a specialist for more than a joke books in General, but you have to think of the fun along the way.

When you set up the translation in the target market for the appropriate collection of jokes, all you have to do is to ensure that the objective of their own promotion, the right people, and, Hey presto, you have the money!

MORAL # 3: The number of the infinite is selling e-books and ideas and the future of these ideas is much easier than you might think you can. And when you know how to pluck out of thin air, cool ideas, ebook publishing, with a view to contributing to the success is a simple matter of e-books to the right target market.

Have fun!

About the author

Michael Hopkins owns the Ebook times newsletter and blog.

Now, get tips, tools, resources and free eBook business http://www.ebooktimes.comdownload:

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The Whole Thing

Then there was the couple that got married and was happy about the whole thing.

He was happy about the hole, she was happy about the thing.

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THE SUCCESS OF WOMAN

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.

They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.

Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known “happy going marriage”.
Editor: “Sir. It’s amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? ”

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:

“We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage.

Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.

My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said “This is your first time”.

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again.

This time she again kept calm and said “This is your second time” and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: “What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?” ..

She gave a silent look and said: “This is your first time!!!”.”

Husband:”That’s it. We are happy ever after. “

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This British Explorer

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man taking a morning swim. When he got to shore and stood up the explorer couldn’t help but notice the size of his penis. The young man had the longest, thickest penis he had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

“He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir,” came the reply. “This is his morning ritual.”

“Ask him,” the awed Brit said to his companion, “how did his penis get to be this size?”

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

“Well, what did he say?” asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

“He said, ‘Doesn’t the white man’s shrink in cold water?’”

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Three Golfing Partners

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.

Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks in your first three months here.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?”

“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.”

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacked, the one next to it quacked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck?”

The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.”

St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman. St.Peter cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand.

“I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn’t hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud,

“I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”

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Three Hookers

Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the night before.

“I entertained a cowboy last night”, says the first.

“How did you know he was a cowboy?” asks the second.

“Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together.”

“Sounds like a cowboy, all right.” the others say.

“I entertained a lawyer,” announces the second. “I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time.”

They agree he sounded like a lawyer.

“I had a farmer for a client,” comments the third.

“How could you possibly know he was a farmer?” she is asked.

“Well first he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall.”

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This British Explorer

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man taking a morning swim. When he got to shore and stood up the explorer couldn’t help but notice the size of his penis. The young man had the longest, thickest penis he had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

“He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir,” came the reply. “This is his morning ritual.”

“Ask him,” the awed Brit said to his companion, “how did his penis get to be this size?”

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

“Well, what did he say?” asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

“He said, ‘Doesn’t the white man’s shrink in cold water?’”

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Three Years Old

Three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?”

She replied, “I’m having a baby.”

With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”

She answered, “He sure is.”

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?”

She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, “Then why did you eat him?”

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Three Mice

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this. I’ve got a date with the cat.”

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Three Turtles

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic.

So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone’s exhausted.

Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, “Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.”
“I didn’t bring the bottle opener,” Steve says. “I thought you packed it.”
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. “Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?” Naturally, Raymond doesn’t have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.

Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.

Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.

Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight,

Steve starts getting restless. “I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. “NO!” Joe retorts. “We promised.”

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, “I knew it!, I’m not bl**dy going now!”

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Trembling Little Old Lady

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 30, 2011 | No Comments

One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The young clerk couldn’t help but notice her, first, because she reminded him of his dear old grandmother, and second because she was twitching violently and trembling, even more than his grandmother did.

“Young m-m-m-man?” she stammered to the clerk, “Do you sell v- v-vibrators here?”

“Yes ma’am, we do,” he replied, a little embarrassed.

“B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?” asked the old lady.

“Yes ma’am, we have some like that.”

“The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?”

“Yes ma’am, we’ve got just about any size you’d want,” said the young clerk.

“The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-batteries?”

“Yes ma’am we carry some like that.”

“Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the h-h-hell you turn it off?”

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Two Bulls

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population and young George was pretty excited.

“Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?” asked George.

“George, relax. Here is how it works. We’ll wait until they’re lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion.” said Sam.

“Okay, I can do that.” George answered.

Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam had a few more instructions.

“Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I’ll start at one end and you can start at the other. We’ll meet in the middle” said Sam.

“OK, OK, let’s go!” said George.

“Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?” said Sam.

“Sure, sure” says George, “Let’s go!”

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam’s instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say -

“Thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, sorry Sam, thank you ma’am…”

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Two Hillbillies

Two hillbillies, Billy Bob and Bubba, were walking through the grassy fields of Alabama. Suddenly, Bubba stops when he sees a sheep with its head jammed in a barbed wire fence.

“Hoo-yah!” cries Bubba, “Now ain’t she purty?”

He quickly hurries over to the sheep, drops his pants and hastily has his way with the sheep.

When he is finished, he pulls up his pants and steps back and says to Billy Bob, “Ok, it’s your turn now.”

Billy Bob pulls down his pants, walks over to the sheep, and jams his head into the barbed wire fence.

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Two Christians in the Desert

Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert . One is David, the other is Michael. They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis , with what looked like an minaret of a mosque in the middle .

David said to Michael : “Look, let’s pretend we are Muslim, otherwise these Arabs are going to kill us . I am going to call myself Mohammed.”

Michael refused to change his name , he said :” My name is Michael , and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am . …Michael.”

The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names. David said : “My name is Mohammed.” Michael said : “My name is Michael. ”

The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said : “Please bring some food and water for Michael only.” Then he turned to the other and said:

“Well Mohammed I hope you are aware that we are still in the holy month of Ramadan.”

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Two Drunk Men

Two Drunk men were sitting in the park. The first one says,

“Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with both hands.”

“By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.”

“By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”

“So”, says the second drunk, “What’s your point?”

“Well”, says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

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Two Hunters

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said,

“The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.”

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity.

Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other,

“Do you know where we are?”

“I think so,” replied the other hunter. “I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year.”

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Two Old-Maid Sisters

There were 2 old-maid sisters… both virgins. One Friday night Gladys looks at Betty and says, “I’m not going to die a virgin… I’m going out and I’m not coming home ’til I’ve been laid!!”

Betty says, “Well, make sure you’re home by 10 so I don’t worry about you.”

10 o’clock rolls around and there’s no sign of Gladys… 11 o’clock…12 o’clock…

Finally about 1:30AM the front door flies open. In runs Gladys… straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, “Are you okay, Gladys??”

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

“What is it, Gladys??? What’s wrong?” asks Betty.

“Oh Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in… and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you’re gonna have the time of your life!!!”

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Two Kiwi’s

Two Kiwi’s are working on a building site in Auckland. Phul (Phil) & Muck (Mick). Anyway Phul turns to Muck & says,

“Cawww I’ve gotta take a piss, but there’s nowhere to go, eh.”

“Walk out to the ind of thit plank,” replies Muck. “I’ll stand on this ind & balance ut.”

“Are you sure, Muck?”

“Yis, no worries”

“100%?”

“YIS!”

So out goes Phul to take a piss & the lunch siren sounds, Muck forgets what he’s supposed to be doing & steps off the plank & Phul is a goner.

Several days later an Australian, a Frenchman & a Kiwi are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest…

Wazza the Aussie says, “Mate I’ve been known to miss a piss up session down the Pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheilas!”

Pierre, the Frenchman says, “No, No, No, Ve French chase ze women with much zest & give them gifts of love like French champagne to win their affection, it is us vor sure.”

Meanwhile Bob (the Kiwi) sits laughing & says, “No, You blokes are both wrong, the other day I was walking past a building site in Auckland following these 2 gorgeous looking Birds, and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming, “CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!”

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Two Wishes From God

Man got 2 wishes from God

He asked 4 d best drink and d best woman ever

Next morning he got mineral water & mother Teresa

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Union Plumbers

A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. “That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”

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Unique Breakfast

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read “Unique Breakfast” so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. “What’s your Unique Breakfast?” he asked inquisitively. “Baked tongue of chicken!” she proudly replied.

“Baked tongue of chicken?… baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?” “Just bring me some scrambled eggs,” the man replied.

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VIP Lounge

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 4, 2011 | No Comments

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the Chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how much I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick “Hello, Chris” at me while I was with my client.

He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.

He said “Hi Chris, what’s happening?”

To which I replied “F*ck off Gates, I’m in a meeting.”

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University Final Examination

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes
off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt,pant,socks and watch follow suit.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
“Oye, I am only following the instructions here”! It says here “Answer the following questions in brief”.

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Viagra Diary

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 22, 2010 | No Comments

Viagra Diary

Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, ‘this time, I’d rather not have your mother join us.’ I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you! But, have to admit…

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. Sore as hell…

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn’t working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over…

Day 11.
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Hamlet and he thought it was “The Smurfs Do Denmark.” Even my armpits hurt. He’s a nasty man.

Day 12.
OK, I’m basically being drilled to death. It’s like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.

Day 13.
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying ‘fabulous,’ and still he keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous…

Day 14.
Now I know how Saddam Hussein’s wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. Let’s hope he’s not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry” butt-thing again, I’m gonna kill him.

Day 15.
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me “Sister Wendy” makes “Father Woody” want to bark like a dog… Help me.

Day 16.
I’m starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to screw himself… he did. I think I will have to kill him. Then he’ll go out the way he wants to… stiff. With my luck, I won’t be able to close the casket.

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Women are Nothing But Trouble

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 22, 2011 | No Comments

These two guys had both just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked “What’s that board for?”

The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

They said, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life! Women are nothing but trouble.”

The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.

“Okay,” they said and left.

The following year this guy came into the trader’s store and said

“Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”

The trader said “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”

“Yeah” said the guy.

“Where is he?” asked the trader.

“I shot him.” said the guy.

“Why?”

“I caught him in bed with my board!”

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