Confucius Says:

Man who run in Front of car get tired.
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Man who run behind Car get exhausted.
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Man with one Chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch butt Should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
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War does not Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.
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Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse..
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Man who fight with Wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there.
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Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in Basement.
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Man who fish in Other man's well often catch crabs.
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Crowded elevator Smell different to midget.

Qantas

Qantas defect logs

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident... Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.

Two Australian businessmen

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock
and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling...

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick

Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only
two left!'

Granddads

For all the special Granddads

Do NOT lose your Grandchildren in the Shopping Centre....


A small boy was lost at a large shopping centre.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my granddad!'
'The policeman asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Home brew and women with big tits."

The fire-fighter

A fire-fighter, working on the engine outside the station, noticed a little girl going by in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, and a garden hose coiled in the wagon.

The girl was wearing a fire-fighters helmet.
The wagon was pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look and said
'That sure is a nice fire truck'.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The fire-fighter, looking a little closer, noticed the girl had the wagon tied to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles...

'Little partner,' the fire-fighter said,
'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you tie that rope to the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully,
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

The true story of the three Bears

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's beenneating my Porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET