Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted". And lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much better).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend come out and see me again".
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".
Monday, 20 October 2008
Sunday, 19 October 2008
Barbie Doll
One day on his way home from work a father suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the saleswoman, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The saleswoman replies, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95"
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed saleswoman rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls."
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the saleswoman, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The saleswoman replies, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95"
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed saleswoman rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls."
Friday, 17 October 2008
Silly signs
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Thursday, 16 October 2008
Teaching Progress - SUMS It All Up!!!!
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.
5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.
If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)
6. Teaching Maths 2018
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة < /b>من الخشب من دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من> الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.
5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.
If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)
6. Teaching Maths 2018
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة < /b>من الخشب من دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من> الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Taliban
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first!'
'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger
than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find a lovely restaurant.
It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
Your f*ck*ng brother won't let me in without a tie!'
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first!'
'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger
than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find a lovely restaurant.
It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
Your f*ck*ng brother won't let me in without a tie!'
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
Paddy n' Mick at the Saw Mill
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
Couple of days goes by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No,' says the nurse, 'some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.'
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
Couple of days goes by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No,' says the nurse, 'some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.'
Monday, 13 October 2008
ATM Instructions
ATM Banking Procedures
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts.
Separate MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.''
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.............
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse, and back up to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Turn the radio down.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open the car door, to allow easy access to machine, due to its excessive distance from the vehicle.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card, the right way up.
10. Dig through handbag, to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel, and re enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make up, in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash, and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again, to locate wallet, and place cash inside.
17. Place receipt, in back of checkbook.
18. Recheck make-up again.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back, to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver queuing behind.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull away. . . . . . . . . . . .
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. . . . . . . . . . . . .
26. Release Parking Brake. . . . .
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts.
Separate MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.''
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.............
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse, and back up to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Turn the radio down.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open the car door, to allow easy access to machine, due to its excessive distance from the vehicle.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card, the right way up.
10. Dig through handbag, to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel, and re enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make up, in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash, and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again, to locate wallet, and place cash inside.
17. Place receipt, in back of checkbook.
18. Recheck make-up again.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back, to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver queuing behind.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull away. . . . . . . . . . . .
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. . . . . . . . . . . . .
26. Release Parking Brake. . . . .
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