Three men on a hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river '

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.



'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!'

It’s A Family Decision

Bill was at his family doctor for his annual physical exam. His doctor returned, filling out a bunch of stuff on his chart, and boasted “Your checkup went well, everything looks to be in order. Is there anything that you’d like to ask me?”

“Well,” Bill mumbles, “Actually, I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked this over with your family?”

“Yeah, and they’re in favor 9 to 2.”

Right After The Operation
Bill wakes up from a vasectomy and the doctor tells him he has good news and bad news. “The good news is we were able to save your testicles. The bad news is they’re under your pillow.”

What Really Happened To Bill
While doing the vasectomy, Bill’s doctor slipped and cut off one of his testicles. In an effort to avoid a malpractice lawsuit, he replaced Bill’s missing ball with an onion.

Two weeks later, Bill returned for a checkup. “How’s your sex life?” the doc asked. “Pretty good, but I’ve had some strange side effects.” “Like what?” the nervous doc asked anxiously. “Well, every time I pee my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog stand, I get a hard-on.”

Post-Op Final Check-Up
Six weeks after his vasectomy, Bill returns to his doctor for his scheduled semen test. The nurse hands him a little jar and points to a broom closet down the hall. After half an hour, he still hasn’t come out – and a line is forming! So she puts her ear to the door to see if he is ok. All she can hear is lots of heavy breathing and grunting, so she goes back to her station and tells the other guys to wait their turn. Fifteen minutes later the guy finally comes out, red in the face and sweating. “I’ve tried everything,” he says. “I’ve pulled it, I’ve twisted it, I’ve even pounded it on the sink, but I *still* can’t open this damn jar!”

The red binder

The red binder will fix all issues!

Notice To All Staff:
I have compiled a Master Reference binder for all staff. Inside this binder you will find 'solutions' to everyday problems. If you are having problems with the photocopier, difficulty dealing with colleagues, having computer problems, admin issues, pressure from management,personal problems, or any kind of day to day problems, please come and get the red binder and it will help you through your issue.

Refer to the red binder for all issues... It is guaranteed to make you stress-free and relaxed.

What Do You Believe In?

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?"

Bill Gates replies, "I believe you're in my chair."

Wailing Wall

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview..

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, What's your name?

"Maury Fishbein" he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.I pray for all the wars and hatred to stop.

I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f….’n brick wall."

Arguments

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1.. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do


Can I get an AMEN!!

Hillbilly Pick up Lines

Straight outta the hills!




1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . !
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away..

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but! I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

Brave Man

**1 How do you turn a fox into an elephant?*
Marry It! *

**2 What is the difference between a battery and a woman?*
A battery has a positive side. *

**3 What are the three fastest means of communication?*
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman *

**4 How are fat girls and mopeds alike?*
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. *

**5 What should you give a woman who has everything?*
A man to show her how to work it. *

**6 Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?*
Because you could easily fit another pair of t * ts in there. *

**7 How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?*
Put a nipple on it. *

**8 Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?*
Because they don't have balls to scratch. *

**10 Why do women fake orgasms ?*
Because they think men care. *

**11 What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?*
Nothing, she's been told twice already. *

**12 If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?*
Made her chain too long *

**13 How many men does it take to open a beer?*
None. It should be opened when she brings it. *

**14 Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?*
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you. *

**15 Why do women have smaller feet than men?*
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sink. *

**16 How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?*
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...' *

**17 How do you fix a woman's watch?*
You don't. There is a clock on the oven. *

**18 Why do men pass gas more than women?*
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. *

**19 If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?*
The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in. *

**20 What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?*
A woman who won't do what she's told *

**21 I married a Miss Right.*
I just didn't know her first name was Always. *

**22 Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%..*
It's called a Wedding Cake. *

**23 Why do men die before their wives?*
They want to. *

**24 Women will never be equal to men..*
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

Computer

After going through a virus attack, losing a hard drive, fighting off hackers, upgrading all my software, installing fire-walls, being threatened with cancellation by my e-mail provider, and a host of other problems …

I have fixed my computer...



And NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!

The Emu

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback diner with a full-grown Emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the Emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the Emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the Emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The Emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. ' Same,' says the Emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.


The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody Emu?'


The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say’.

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked 'Not yet ,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

New Flag

Thank you for shopping at Budgens

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him

'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a Doctor, I always go private though.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Budgens. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and What to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten pounds ..... ..... . A lot cheaper than a Doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Budgens.

He deposits ten pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow... Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping at Budgens.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Budgens, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1.... Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2.... Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3.... Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.... Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5.... If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Budgens

An Airliner

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Children

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a
seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed
by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the
jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk
to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy
watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you
ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking
up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered
and continued writing the report.. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should
ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you
please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in
front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,
Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a
dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and
then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old
age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found
her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you
shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next
morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready
for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers
and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn,
and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I
can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What
he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I
think it's Adam's underwear!'

Robin Williams

Make people happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy..
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY



1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol

Lunchtime is Lunchtime

The office phone rings, one of the employees picks up and says:
"What kind of an idiot is this that dares to phone me in the middle of my lunch break?!?"
The caller shouts back:
"Do you have any idea whom you are talking to...? I am the CEO of this company!"
The employee replies:
"Do you have any idea whom YOU are talking to?"
Perplexed the CEO mumbles:
"NO!!!"
The employee heaves a sigh of relief and says:
"Thank goodness for that!!" and hangs up.

The Indian

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He Jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what the promised he would do... Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why ???


OH, come on... take a guess !!!


Think about it !!!


You're going to love this !!!


Everyone knows.......



You can't kill Two Birds with Onestone!!!

My Diet

Breakfast

1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch

1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Tea

1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner

4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack

1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember:
Stressed spelled backward is desserts.


Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
Pee on it and walk away.

Diesel Fitter

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office...

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.
I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, Then Mick puts 'em over his head and says:
'Yep, diesel fitter.'

BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

The fairy tale girls should have read

Importance of Eye make-up...

Remember ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes. That's why it's so important to have your eye make-up perfectly applied. If it weren't for the excellent application of proper eye make-up this young lady probably wouldn't get a second look from most guys.

Then again I could be wrong!!!

Livestock

A man walks into a pub with a salmon under his arm.
He asks the barman, "Do you do fishcakes?"
The barman shakes his head.
"Shame", says the man, "It's his birthday".

met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.