Tuesday, 30 June 2009
Monday, 29 June 2009
GORDON BROWN
GORDON BROWN IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WORK.
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL FACTORIES.
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY.
HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEA, THOUGH I WAIT FOR MY DOLE,
I OWN THE BANK THAT REFUSES ME.
BROWN HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF HIS TERM.
FROM HENCE FORTH WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS
OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.
I AM GLAD I AM BRITISH,
I AM GLAD I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WERE A DOG
AND BROWN WAS A TREE.
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL FACTORIES.
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY.
HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEA, THOUGH I WAIT FOR MY DOLE,
I OWN THE BANK THAT REFUSES ME.
BROWN HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF HIS TERM.
FROM HENCE FORTH WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS
OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.
I AM GLAD I AM BRITISH,
I AM GLAD I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WERE A DOG
AND BROWN WAS A TREE.
Sunday, 28 June 2009
Irish maths test
Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math's test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. "Ere ye go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
Paddy is the new supervisor
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. "Ere ye go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
Paddy is the new supervisor
Saturday, 27 June 2009
Satan
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the altar. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realise I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan?
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.'
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realise I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan?
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.'
Friday, 26 June 2009
Growing Old
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She replied, 'No peer pressure.'
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She replied, 'No peer pressure.'
Thursday, 25 June 2009
The funeral
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
Yes she said, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
Yes she said, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
The Monetary System
A Simple Explanation of The Basic Monetary System.
It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. These are tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig breeder.
The pig breeder takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her 'services' on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with great optimism!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the your Government is doing business today...
It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. These are tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig breeder.
The pig breeder takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her 'services' on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with great optimism!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the your Government is doing business today...
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
Kitchen Tips
Celia Smiths Tips
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Colin's Tips
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!
Celia Smiths Tips
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Colin's Tips
Buy Budgens mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.
Celia Smiths Tips
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Colin's Tips
Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!
Celia Smiths Tips
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'
Colin's Tips
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real cook's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'
Celia Smiths Tips
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Colin's Tips
Celery? Never heard of it!
Celia Smiths Tips
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Colin's Tips
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.
Celia Smiths Tips
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Colin's Tips
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!
Celia Smiths Tips
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Colin's Tips
Go ask a neighbour if they can open it for you.
Celia Smiths Tips
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Colin's Tips
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Colin's Tips
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!
Celia Smiths Tips
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Colin's Tips
Buy Budgens mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.
Celia Smiths Tips
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Colin's Tips
Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!
Celia Smiths Tips
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'
Colin's Tips
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real cook's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'
Celia Smiths Tips
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Colin's Tips
Celery? Never heard of it!
Celia Smiths Tips
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Colin's Tips
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.
Celia Smiths Tips
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Colin's Tips
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!
Celia Smiths Tips
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Colin's Tips
Go ask a neighbour if they can open it for you.
Celia Smiths Tips
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Colin's Tips
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!
Monday, 22 June 2009
6 year olds
A primary two school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
Their insight may surprise you.
While reading, keep in mind that these are 6-year-old, because the last one is a classic!
1.Don't change horses - until they stop running.
2.Strike while the - bug is close.
3.It's always darkest before - Daylight Saving Time.
4.Never underestimate the power of - termites.
5.You can lead a horse to water but - How?
6.Don't bite the hand that - looks dirty.
7.No news is - impossible
8.A miss is as good as a - Mr.
9.You can't teach an old dog new - Maths
10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll - stink in the morning.
11.Love all, trust - Me.
12.The pen is mightier than the - pigs.
13.An idle mind is - the best way to relax.
14.Where there's smoke there's - pollution.
15.Happy the bride who - gets all the presents.
16.A penny saved is - not much.
17.Two's company, three's - the Musketeers.
18.Don't put off till tomorrow what - you put on to go to bed.
19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and - You have to blow your nose.
20.There are none so blind as - Stevie Wonder.
21.Children should be seen and not - spanked or grounded.
22.If at first you don't succeed - get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you - See in the picture on the box
24.When the blind lead the blind - get out of the way.
25.A bird in the hand - is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.Better late than - Pregnant
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
Their insight may surprise you.
While reading, keep in mind that these are 6-year-old, because the last one is a classic!
1.Don't change horses - until they stop running.
2.Strike while the - bug is close.
3.It's always darkest before - Daylight Saving Time.
4.Never underestimate the power of - termites.
5.You can lead a horse to water but - How?
6.Don't bite the hand that - looks dirty.
7.No news is - impossible
8.A miss is as good as a - Mr.
9.You can't teach an old dog new - Maths
10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll - stink in the morning.
11.Love all, trust - Me.
12.The pen is mightier than the - pigs.
13.An idle mind is - the best way to relax.
14.Where there's smoke there's - pollution.
15.Happy the bride who - gets all the presents.
16.A penny saved is - not much.
17.Two's company, three's - the Musketeers.
18.Don't put off till tomorrow what - you put on to go to bed.
19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and - You have to blow your nose.
20.There are none so blind as - Stevie Wonder.
21.Children should be seen and not - spanked or grounded.
22.If at first you don't succeed - get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you - See in the picture on the box
24.When the blind lead the blind - get out of the way.
25.A bird in the hand - is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.Better late than - Pregnant
Sunday, 21 June 2009
The Bracelet
A lady walks into Grains of Gold the Jewellers. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of Caius the salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, Caius greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price.'
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of Caius the salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, Caius greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price.'
Saturday, 20 June 2009
Friday, 19 June 2009
THE GOLFING NUN.......
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
?
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?'
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
?
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?'
Thursday, 18 June 2009
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag!
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag!
Monday, 15 June 2009
We have all spoken to him . . .
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call centre.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
Sunday, 14 June 2009
The Queen and Dolly Parton
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair of Aces - no matter how big they are.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair of Aces - no matter how big they are.
Saturday, 13 June 2009
Friday, 12 June 2009
Blonde
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, Opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, Marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied,
"There certainly is!
"My stupid computer keeps saying,
"YOU'VE GOT MAIL
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, Opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, Marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied,
"There certainly is!
"My stupid computer keeps saying,
"YOU'VE GOT MAIL
Thursday, 11 June 2009
What starts with F and ends with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!'
Ms.Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade..'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!'
Ms.Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade..'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......'
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
When girls drink too much
1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING 'WOO-HOO!' IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.
5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE 'OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!'
7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.
8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE CHARDONNAY.
10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop ...OR THE BATHMAT ?)
11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.
12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
And Remember...
'A clean house is the sign of a wasted life!'
2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING 'WOO-HOO!' IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.
5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE 'OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!'
7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.
8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE CHARDONNAY.
10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop ...OR THE BATHMAT ?)
11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.
12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
And Remember...
'A clean house is the sign of a wasted life!'
Monday, 8 June 2009
Golf
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc?......I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way.'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let itheal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint and taped it all together ...an impressive work of art..
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her,and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the hotel room, the new wife shyly opened her blouse to reveal her female attributes.
She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.
'He immediately drops his pants and replies,......"Look at this, still in the CRATE!'
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc?......I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way.'
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let itheal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint and taped it all together ...an impressive work of art..
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her,and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the hotel room, the new wife shyly opened her blouse to reveal her female attributes.
She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.
'He immediately drops his pants and replies,......"Look at this, still in the CRATE!'
Sunday, 7 June 2009
RECORD HIGH JUMP FROM A KNEELING POSITION
A new world's record in the high jump from a kneeling position was set last week at a beach in southern France... The picture below was taken just three seconds before the jump took place!
Saturday, 6 June 2009
New Wine for Seniors
I kid you not.
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
Boom! Boom!
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
Boom! Boom!
Friday, 5 June 2009
Five surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving
parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving
parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'
Thursday, 4 June 2009
Irish Outdoor Sports
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem..'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah like, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place like..'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
BUT WAIT ..THERE'S MORE... (like)
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
NO, IT'S NOT OVER YET... (like)
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah like, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place like..'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
BUT WAIT ..THERE'S MORE... (like)
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
NO, IT'S NOT OVER YET... (like)
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
BLONDE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
-----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and
attentive.
-----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a Luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburnt, and went inside to drink at piano-bar for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming.Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.
I was shocked.
------------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.
Twice.
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
-----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and
attentive.
-----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a Luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburnt, and went inside to drink at piano-bar for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming.Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.
I was shocked.
------------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.
Twice.
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
Magic sandals
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
Monday, 1 June 2009
The $100 tattoo
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Judy, says, 'Where in the hell have you been'?
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo'.
A tattoo?' she frowned.. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
I got 2 x $50 notes on my penis,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking'? she said, shaking her head in disdain.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollars tattooed on his privates?'
'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want'.
Larry is recovering in ward 23.
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo'.
A tattoo?' she frowned.. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
I got 2 x $50 notes on my penis,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking'? she said, shaking her head in disdain.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollars tattooed on his privates?'
'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want'.
Larry is recovering in ward 23.
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