Strokes for health...

Tillie - Maude - Gertrude

These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

The Marriage

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.

3-minute management course

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800
to drop that towel.." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel
and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800
and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob
the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.



Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg.. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling
the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he
let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is
weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at
the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and
seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not
well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first! Me first!" says
the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without
a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. Me next! Me next!" says the sales
rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff!
He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle
and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate
it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

BullSh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow
came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the
pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually
thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for
joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



This ends the 3-minute management course.

Blonde

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

Mr Darling

Dear Mr. Darling,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Britain's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 20 million people over 50 in the work force. - Pay them £1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new British CAR. Twenty million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

4) They must send their children/grandchildren to school, college, and university - Crime rate fixed

5) Buy £50 of alcohol, tobacco or fuel a week - there's your money back in duty / tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

Thai

A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that ?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'

The smoker, the alcoholic, & the homosexual

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

ROSES AND HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, Telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
　
Happy Gardening.

Easter

Tales of the riverbank

This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear A Hunter , a Mouse and a Cat.


There is a moral to this story.....


In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,


'Gosh...if I go down three inches


I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,


'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'


There was a bear on the shore thinking,


'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches


That fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!'

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it..
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water..

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story .....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

Confucius Says:

Man who run in Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator Smell different to midget.

Qantas

Qantas defect logs

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident... Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.

Two Australian businessmen

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock
and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling...

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick

Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only
two left!'

Granddads

For all the special Granddads

Do NOT lose your Grandchildren in the Shopping Centre....


A small boy was lost at a large shopping centre.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my granddad!'
'The policeman asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Home brew and women with big tits."

The fire-fighter

A fire-fighter, working on the engine outside the station, noticed a little girl going by in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, and a garden hose coiled in the wagon.

The girl was wearing a fire-fighters helmet.
The wagon was pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look and said
'That sure is a nice fire truck'.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The fire-fighter, looking a little closer, noticed the girl had the wagon tied to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles...

'Little partner,' the fire-fighter said,
'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you tie that rope to the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully,
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

The true story of the three Bears

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's beenneating my Porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET

Blondes

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioned in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out...
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin.
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

The Parrot

Young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Here in Texas

A woman was called in front of a grand jury for possible manslaughtercharges after she shot a mugger in the back six times as he was running awaywith her purse. He had grabbed her purse and ran. She had her hand on hergun in side the purse and when he ran with the purse she was left holdingjust the gun. When asked by the grand jury why she shot him six times, in the back as hewas running, under oath she replied, "Because when I pulled the trigger the7th time, it only went click."She was acquitted of all charges. That's the way it is in Texas.

How it all began

Flu Shots

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.


Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.
OR

Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it...
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona ...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

My mother always said, 'A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!'

BBQ

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh
your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a
man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into
motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where
the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take
place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women.

Piglet and Pooh