Essex

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on
the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its
epicentre in Basildon.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of
damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa
Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds
of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come
to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in
Basildon.

One resident - Sharon TracySmith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my
bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept
through it
all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the
next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.Rescue workers are
still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of
personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth
Duke at Argosand Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this
disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals,
Tins of baked beans,
Ice cream,
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the
girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex- oh, sod it, they
won't be able to read it, anyway