Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.
White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse
with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH
you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass
kicked.
Saturday, 29 November 2008
Friday, 28 November 2008
Water or Wine
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
Thursday, 27 November 2008
Flying
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in South Auckland because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.
The CAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR? (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in South Auckland because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.
The CAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR? (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Worlds best TATTOO ???
This guy thought he had the best tattoo in the world...
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Until he went to prison.......!!!!!!
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Until he went to prison.......!!!!!!
Tuesday, 25 November 2008
Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
Monday, 24 November 2008
Bran Flakes
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bathroom. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out of the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...?"
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your f....ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!"
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bathroom. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out of the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...?"
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your f....ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!"
Sunday, 23 November 2008
Maths
THIS IS INCREDIBLE....
Read all the Numbers... Slowly and in Order!!
Be Careful not to MISS ANY
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
Finished?
Scroll down ..................
GOOD ! TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's !
It takes so little to amuse old people.
Saturday, 22 November 2008
Oz
The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.
Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.
Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet
Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact
Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor
Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity
Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.
And for the Kiwi's amongst us:
Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.
Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.
Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet
Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact
Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor
Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity
Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.
And for the Kiwi's amongst us:
Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.
Friday, 21 November 2008
Back to School
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Thursday, 20 November 2008
Bad Day
for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
Sean & Cilla
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'
'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again.
No problem hun'.
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer ba lls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'
Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,
but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
the bitch stole ma wallet !'
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'
'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again.
No problem hun'.
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer ba lls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'
Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,
but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
the bitch stole ma wallet !'
Tuesday, 18 November 2008
Ireland
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'?
The other guy a nswers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'?
The other guy a nswers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'
Monday, 17 November 2008
Heavenly entry
Sean, Murphy and Paddy died and found themselves waiting at the pearly gates.
St.Peter came to them and said "As it's near Christmas I want you to show me something you have on your persons to do with the festive season".
Sean searched in his pockets and produced a lighter which he sparked into flame and told St. Peter that it represented a candle. "That's very good" said St. Peter., "Go on into heaven and enjoy yourself".
Murphy then showed St.Peter a rattly bunch of keys which he likened to a peal of bells. "Very good" said St.Peter "In you go, and have a good time".
Paddy, after a long ferret around in his pockets brought out a pair of ladies panties. St.Peter said "And what pray, may those have to do with Christmas"; to which Paddy replied "They're Carols!".
St.Peter came to them and said "As it's near Christmas I want you to show me something you have on your persons to do with the festive season".
Sean searched in his pockets and produced a lighter which he sparked into flame and told St. Peter that it represented a candle. "That's very good" said St. Peter., "Go on into heaven and enjoy yourself".
Murphy then showed St.Peter a rattly bunch of keys which he likened to a peal of bells. "Very good" said St.Peter "In you go, and have a good time".
Paddy, after a long ferret around in his pockets brought out a pair of ladies panties. St.Peter said "And what pray, may those have to do with Christmas"; to which Paddy replied "They're Carols!".
Sunday, 16 November 2008
Daddy's little girl
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well, we're not having any of that poofter sh*t in our garden' she said.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well, we're not having any of that poofter sh*t in our garden' she said.
Saturday, 15 November 2008
Mick & Paddy
Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed
the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The
stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor
touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy calls Easy jet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people
are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm
gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M
A LIGHT BULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of
amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies
on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a
dodgy one!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Every time I think of you my nuts
tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a
light switch away!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath
beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point
Paddy said 'I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad
in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a
Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be
Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey!
There's a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'What's his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops.
He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts like you that
give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if
I could swim!'
the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The
stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor
touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy calls Easy jet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people
are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm
gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M
A LIGHT BULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of
amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies
on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a
dodgy one!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Every time I think of you my nuts
tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a
light switch away!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath
beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point
Paddy said 'I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad
in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a
Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be
Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey!
There's a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'What's his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops.
He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts like you that
give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if
I could swim!'
Friday, 14 November 2008
Golf
A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh ... yes sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it , it's the least I can do.
And, I'll guarantee you a long & healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies?'
adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh ... yes sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it , it's the least I can do.
And, I'll guarantee you a long & healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies?'
Wednesday, 12 November 2008
Karate Dog
Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.
The employee said, 'If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you.' The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, 'This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?'
The employee says, 'No, this dog is special; he knows karate.'
'Karate? I don't believe it,' Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, 'Karate the sign.' And the dog runs up and rips the sign advertising dog food to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, 'Karate the chair.' And the dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
'I'll take him,' he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, 'This little thing, a watch dog? No way.'
Harold says, 'But this dog knows karate.'
'Karate,' she yells. 'Karate my ass!'
The employee said, 'If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you.' The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, 'This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?'
The employee says, 'No, this dog is special; he knows karate.'
'Karate? I don't believe it,' Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, 'Karate the sign.' And the dog runs up and rips the sign advertising dog food to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, 'Karate the chair.' And the dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
'I'll take him,' he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, 'This little thing, a watch dog? No way.'
Harold says, 'But this dog knows karate.'
'Karate,' she yells. 'Karate my ass!'
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Being Faithful
An elderly man turns to his wife and asks if she’s ever cheated on him.
“I love you,” she says, “but I must confess. I’ve been unfaithful to you three times.”
“What?” yells the man. “When?”
“The first time was when we were denied a mortgage,” she explains. “I went to see the banker, and I persuaded him to give us the loan.”
“The second time you were ill and we had no insurance to cover the medical bills,” she says. “I went to the doctor and convinced him to treat you for free.”
“And what about the third time?” the husband demands.
“Remember when you ran for mayor,” the wife begins, “and you were behind by 300 votes?”
“I love you,” she says, “but I must confess. I’ve been unfaithful to you three times.”
“What?” yells the man. “When?”
“The first time was when we were denied a mortgage,” she explains. “I went to see the banker, and I persuaded him to give us the loan.”
“The second time you were ill and we had no insurance to cover the medical bills,” she says. “I went to the doctor and convinced him to treat you for free.”
“And what about the third time?” the husband demands.
“Remember when you ran for mayor,” the wife begins, “and you were behind by 300 votes?”
Monday, 10 November 2008
Beer Masters
After a Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask 'Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?' and the Guinness president replies 'Well, if you guys aren't drinking beers, neither will I.'
The guy from Corona sits down and says 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask 'Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?' and the Guinness president replies 'Well, if you guys aren't drinking beers, neither will I.'
Sunday, 9 November 2008
STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....
third gay rooster I bought this month.' Moral of this
story? . Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....
third gay rooster I bought this month.' Moral of this
story? . Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
Saturday, 8 November 2008
Jonathan Ross
Dear Jonathan Ross
I've just sh***ed your daughter. Who's laughing now?
Lots of love,
Gary Glitter x
I've just sh***ed your daughter. Who's laughing now?
Lots of love,
Gary Glitter x
Friday, 7 November 2008
Cooking
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of of silly but I took a bath.
I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Tom asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients on bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY:
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY:
Tom's friends came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was a beefburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.
I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out beefburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of of silly but I took a bath.
I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Tom asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients on bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY:
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY:
Tom's friends came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was a beefburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.
I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out beefburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
Thursday, 6 November 2008
You know you're living in 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home; you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home; you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
Grandma
Sometimes grandma shouldn't be so honest.
Grandma has been watching little Tony, her grandson and he's been playing outside with his friends for awhile.
When he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.
'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'.
Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you.'
Sometime Grandmas just can't WIN!!
Grandma has been watching little Tony, her grandson and he's been playing outside with his friends for awhile.
When he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.
'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'.
Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you.'
Sometime Grandmas just can't WIN!!
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
Birdfeeder Raider
Ever worry about squirrels getting into your bird feeder?
Good grief, what is that line made of?
Monday, 3 November 2008
Answers given by school-age children
The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. .
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. .
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
Sunday, 2 November 2008
The bartender
The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
Saturday, 1 November 2008
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