My wife has spoken to me within three days. I think it has something to do with what happened when he thought he heard a noise downstairs Sunday evening.
He nudged me and whispered, "wake up, wake up!"
"What is the matter?" I Asked.
Burglars in the kitchen. " I think they did today Kumakain tuna casserole. "
"That'll teach them!" I Replied To.
1. everyone has a photographic memory. Some of the film does not exist.
2. He who sees the last, i.e., the slowest.
3. to date, without Sun is like, well, that night.
4. changes are inevitable, with the exception of those from automatic vending machines-to your computer.
5. back up your hard disks? How to publish it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was well-known in the area.
7. when the chips down, the Buffalo is empty.
8. Saw it all, done it all. For the most part, it will not be able to remember.
9. those who live by the sword to get a shot of them, who do not.
10. I feel like I am the diagonally parked in parallel universe.
11. He is not dead. He has challenged electroencephalographically.
12. He is always late. In fact, his ancestors arrived in "juneflower."
13. the customer has the right to remain silent. Anything you can say, and used against you misquoted.
14. I wonder how much deeper into the ocean, would be without sponges.
15. If you love peace and quiet honk.
16. Red prisoners, my driving, I'm reloading.
17. in spite of the cost of living, you've noticed how the remains so popular?
18. There is not a sufficiently talented fool become comfortable.
19. it is difficult to understand how the cemetery burial expenses and higher cost of living ... blame on
20 but remember, if it had not, in the light of the seriousness of the we all deserved.
21. a 50-50-90 rule: at any time when you have a 50-50 chance to get something right, has a probability of 90% you get wrong.
22. it should be noted that you can align all the cars in the world of the end, if someone would be stupid enough to try and pass it.
23. do you have any. Where would you put it?
24. a Recent study shows that 3 of 4 people make up 75 percent of the world's population.
25. where the NET can hold, as well as the other., obtained
26. in the Cases that come to them, which is expected to be those that were not first things.
27. to give a man a fish and he will eat one day. Teach a man to fish and he is sitting in front of the boat, all the days of consumption.
28. for the purpose of the Document: the flashlight holding dead batteries.
29. the Shin bone is a device used to searching for the furniture.
30. in this case, the fine on the VAT incorrectly. The tax is a very fine.
31. it last was found to cause cancer in rats research,.
32. Everybody is located, but it does not matter, because nobody listens.
33. I wish all stopped here, such as Peter buck, could use a few.
34. I started empty and still is the biggest part of it.
35. when the Court of first instance itself, you grant to go, 12 to a person who is not clever enough to get in the hands of the force majeure.
36. in the Light travels faster than sound. For this reason, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.”
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
A lady inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Husband Wanted”. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.”
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
Young son: “Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: “That happens in every country, son.”
Then there was a woman who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.”
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy: “My wife’s an angel!” Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation – What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
“As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. 
” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa.”
Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”
“Psychics” are big on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast, just north of the state capital, Brisbane. Other Australians regard the area as the Deep North, the antipodean equivalent of the USAs Deep South.
A local radio station carried an evening program in which a “psychic” appeared regularly. The usual flummery – calls from listeners (usually younger women) wanting forecasts of their love-lives, jobs, happiness etc., followed by confident replies from the “psychic” together with supportive clucking noises from the credulous anchor entity. Then the “psychic” made a classic blooper:
Caller: “Will I meet someone?”
Psychic: “Yes of course you will, darling. I see you dancing – you dance so well! – and meeting that man and dancing through life together, you know what I mean?”
Caller: “But I’m confined to a wheelchair…”
