A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?”
The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, there were many. Let’s just leave it alone.” The wife continued to beg and plead.
Finally, the husband gave in. “Let’s see.” he said “There was one, two, three, four, five, six, YOU, eight, nine, “
“A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.”
There’s an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says “I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn’t even know she smoked”.
The Scotsman says “That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she drank”.
The the Irishman speaks up. “Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn’t even know she had a penis”.
Getting ready to close the Bartender was night rosvo ski mask with burst in and pulls a gun.
He yells, Bartender, "this is the stick up! Place the dough this bag! "
Cowed Bartender relies on the "Don't shoot, please! I do as you say! "
Rosvo yells, "turn off and empty the cash register!"
Bartender says, "Okay, Okay!Only do not shoot, I'm a wife and kids!I make you say! "
Take the money then place the Crook the gun to the head and the Bartender says, "Alright, now give me a blowjob!"
"No!" cries Bartender, "just Don't Shoot!"
Bartender start crook blow. as the crook may be excited, he falls to the gun. Bartender sees the gun on the floor, selects, to dispose of it back to the crook and yells,
"Hold the gun, damn it!, one of my friends can walk!"
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone.
Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,”SURPRISE!!!”
My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there.
My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had an embarrassing problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
“Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you know, I have extremely smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be revolted by them.”
“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”
“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”
“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so disgustingly bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”
Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately turns to face him and asks,
“What on earth are you doing?”
“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve eaten one of my socks!”
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom, or infinite beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers,
“Say something.”
The dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”
