RECORD HIGH JUMP FROM A KNEELING POSITION

A new world's record in the high jump from a kneeling position was set last week at a beach in southern France... The picture below was taken just three seconds before the jump took place!

New Wine for Seniors

I kid you not.

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as



PINO MORE




I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

Boom! Boom!

Five surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving
parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

Irish Outdoor Sports

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem..'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah like, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place like..'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'


BUT WAIT ..THERE'S MORE... (like)





Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'





NO, IT'S NOT OVER YET... (like)





Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.



'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

BLONDE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.

Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and
attentive.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.

Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a Luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.

He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.


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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburnt, and went inside to drink at piano-bar for rest of day.

Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming.Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.

Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.

I was shocked.


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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.

Twice.

Magic sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

The $100 tattoo

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Judy, says, 'Where in the hell have you been'?

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo'.

A tattoo?' she frowned.. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

I got 2 x $50 notes on my penis,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking'? she said, shaking her head in disdain.

'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollars tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want'.

Larry is recovering in ward 23.