A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
Monday, 12 January 2009
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic her car died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?
She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?
Sunday, 11 January 2009
Nutrition
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like and sod the diet. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!!!
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like and sod the diet. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!!!
Friday, 9 January 2009
Communications
Two Irish soldiers are out on manoeuvres when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other soldier whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency
services.
He gasps to the operator: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The soldier's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other soldier whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency
services.
He gasps to the operator: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The soldier's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Thursday, 8 January 2009
The Tax Man
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
Good question, noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the "know-it-all" Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick!"
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
Good question, noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the "know-it-all" Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick!"
The Tax Man
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice
you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
Good question, noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the
candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about
all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap
him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to
the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of
bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
"know-it-all" Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all
the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete dick!"
books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice
you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
Good question, noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the
candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about
all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap
him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to
the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of
bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
"know-it-all" Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all
the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete dick!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)