My wife and I went to the Show this year and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.' I looked at her and said, ' Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
*
*
*
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Wednesday, 7 January 2009
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
Essex Girl
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the Essex girl
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress. "she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time, it's mayonnaise."
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford, mate."
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "there's hundreds of them!"
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, "Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot."
"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them.
"10" replies the Essex girl
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress. "she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time, it's mayonnaise."
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford, mate."
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "there's hundreds of them!"
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, "Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot."
"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them.
Monday, 5 January 2009
Chavs
Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut?
A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
Society.
What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
Granny.
What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit.
What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.
What do you say to a chav in a suit
"Will the defendant please rise"
Why did the chav cross the road?
To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.
What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
The bride.
If you see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.
What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
What you looking at.
Why are chavs like slinkey's?
Thay have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs
Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
The policeman!
How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox?
Paint 3 stripes on it.
What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
A start.
Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame?
Because a nova has 4 seats.
What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
A liar.
What do you say to a chav with a job?
Bigmac please.
What's the differemce between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A chav girl has a higher sperm count.
A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
Society.
What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
Granny.
What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit.
What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.
What do you say to a chav in a suit
"Will the defendant please rise"
Why did the chav cross the road?
To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.
What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
The bride.
If you see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.
What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
What you looking at.
Why are chavs like slinkey's?
Thay have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs
Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
The policeman!
How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox?
Paint 3 stripes on it.
What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
A start.
Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame?
Because a nova has 4 seats.
What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
A liar.
What do you say to a chav with a job?
Bigmac please.
What's the differemce between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A chav girl has a higher sperm count.
Saturday, 3 January 2009
Friday, 2 January 2009
Dust
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
Thursday, 1 January 2009
Mid Life Crisis
After being married for 42 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19-year-old chick.
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
Wednesday, 31 December 2008
Three Little Pigs
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.
They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly .....
'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly .....
'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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