Weapons of Mass Destruction

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 13, 2010 | No Comments

It was the day after India’s Independence Day. A thoughtful Tony Blair who had watched the celebrations on TV got onto the phone with his friend Bush:

“India!” shouted Blair.

“What about India?” asked a startled Bush.

“We English made a mistake George,” said Blair, “I need to get India back as a colony!”

“You serious Tony?” asked a still more startled Bush.

“Yeah this is not the India we let go some sixty years ago,” said Blair, “this is a colony we would be proud to have now.”

“So whatcha plannin’ to do?” asked Bush.

“Why George what we did to Saddam. Attack them.”

“You sayin’ we? You not hoping I’m goin’ to join you are you?”

“I helped you in Iraq George, you forgettin’ or sometin’?”

“Yeah but we had an excuse there Tony, we were lookin’ for weapons of mass destruction, you remember?”

“So we do the same thing here George. We tell the Indians to give up their weapons of mass destruction!”

“I don’t know whether we are doing the right thing Tony, India is a democracy you know?”

“I lied for you in Iraq George. Nearly lost the elections for you. I’m sure you could do this lil’ favour for me.. With India back as my colony, we’ll be back as a world power! Britain rules the world! You heard that phrase George?”

“I thought it was America who was doing the ruling Tony.”

“We’ll do the rulin’ together George. You and me will be equal partners once I get my India back. Come on George talk to that Manmohan feller, tell him to give up his weapons of mass destruction, or else..!”

“Okay Tony since you insist. Can you call me back in five minutes.”

“Shall I get my ships ready?”

“For what?” asked a surprised Bush.

“For war dammit,” shouted Tony as he put the phone down and waited for Bush to talk to the Indian Prime Minister. He walked over to a little globe he had on his office table and circled India gleefully.

The phone rang and he ran to pick it up.

“Tony it is me,” said George, “how many ships you got ready?”

“Aye aye sir, the Royal Navy is ready for action!” said Tony, standing at attention.

“You can send them to India,” said Bush.

“To fight?” asked Blair happily.

“No to pick up their weapons of mass destruction.”

“Whatcha talkin’ about?” asked a confused Blair.

“Manmohan said you would know ’cause it is your people who made them,” said Bush.

“What weapons of mass destruction?” whispered Blair uncertainly.

“Their politicians, their MPs, their MLAs,” said Bush happily, “Manmohan said you could take them all back to England where they were trained years ago by your people to divide and rule..!”

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What Girls think The Morning After

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 17, 2011 | No Comments

Sung to the tune of “I will survive!”

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly wanker that was lying by my side.
I would’ve drunk a little less,
I would’ve tried to keep my head,
If I’d known for just one second
I’d be in your crusty bed

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I’ve fallen on the floor.
Your butt’s a pimply mess,
it’s just a broken-out disgrace,
But I’d rather look at that,
than at your fucking ugly face..!

I want to go, I’ve got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave.
I only know I’ve got to stop my drinking spirits and the beer,
Coz when I looked at you last night,
you looked just like that Richard Gere!

I can’t believe, that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes or simply bound and gagged.
I’m fucking off right now,
I’m jumping on the flippin’ train
and I’m not stopping till I’m home and washed your greeblies down the drain.

Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you’re an ugly prick,
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at least he’s got a lovely flat.
But no I go and trust the booze and now I’m stuck with you, you twat.

It’s time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I’m going to give up all the booze,
I’m going to have no stupid fun,
Coz waking up beside your mug,
Just makes me want to be a nun!

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What is Easter?

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 5, 2011 | No Comments

A Sunday School teacher asked her class of young children a very simple question, or so she thought. She asked, “What is Easter?”

Immediately many children raised their hands. So the teacher called on one to answer the question.

The sweet child replied, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful.”

“Wrong!,” replied the teacher, and proceeded to choose a second child to answer the same question, “What is Easter?”

The second child replied, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

The teacher looked at the second child, shook her head, and tells him he’s wrong.

Then a third child is selected to answer the question, “What is Easter?”

The third child smiles confidently and looks into the teacher’s eyes and says, “I know what Easter is.”

“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave, which was then sealed off by a large boulder.”

The teacher smiles broadly with delight.

Then the child continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out … and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”

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When Daddy was in the Army

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 13, 2010 | No Comments

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…”

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

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The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

 

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.  Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"

 

"Sure," said Mick  "I'll have a go!"

 

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?"

 

A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

 

"I haven't got a clue" said Mick "so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ".  Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

 

"Bloody hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"I'm sure." Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer."

 

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

 

"Dat it is, Sir."

 

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

 

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

 

"Tell me, Paddy?  how in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

 
 

 
 

 

 

 

"Because he lives in a bloody clock!"

 

Willy’s

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 8, 2011 | No Comments

Henry and Doris were sitting in the lounge of the old folks’ home one evening, Henry in his pyjamas and dressing gown.

Doris whispered, “Henry! Do yourself up properly; your willy’s sticking out!”

Henry looked down, and said, “Don’t flatter yourself, dear. My willy is HANGING out!”

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WOMAN FINISHES DRIVE-UP ATM TRANSACTION IN LESS THAN THREE MINUTES

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 25, 2011 | No Comments

An extraordinary event was witnessed at a Memphis branch Union Planters bank today. Heather Williams of Germantown pulled up to the drive-thru ATM, put her card in, withdrew cash and then her card, and pulled away in mind-boggling two minutes and 48 seconds. Ms. Williams set a new world record for “Female Drive- Thru ATM Withdrawal.”

ATM Officials were giddy at the site of this remarkable woman. “Oh, man, I knew there was something special right when she pulled up!” Bank Manager Brian Sontag gushed. “She nailed positioning her car right in front of the ATM! She didn’t go too far forward, then have to put her car in reverse, then ease back up a little bit, then back completely out because she was too far from the machine. Unbelievable!”

As the record breaking ATM withdrawal was taking place, Sontag marveled at how Williams defied the dictates of style. “I was breathless when she got the car positioned right and would have been able to pass that story along to my grand-children. But I almost passed out when she had her ATM card *ready* to insert! There was no digging through her purse! No fumbling with that little white envelope that women store the card between uses. She had it ready — and get this — she didn’t have to check her address book for her PIN number!!!”

Sontag shook his head, amazed. “Williams also didn’t read every screen of the ATM window. She didn’t get on her cell phone and ask guidance from her best friend on the best denominations to withdraw!”

Sontag continued. “While the ATM was processing her request,” Sontag sits, obviously overcome with disbelief, “Ms. Williams didn’t start touching up her makeup! There was no adjusting of the rear view mirror, no fumbling through her purse for some lipstick. This had an enormous effect on her record breaking run since she didn’t have to put all of that crap away when the money came out!”

When the money popped out of the ATM, Sontag reports, Williams was ready. “As I said, she wasn’t putting on her makeup. She was studying the machine and when that money came out, she removed it. Pressed the button to let it know she didn’t want any other transactions — and, because she never took her car out of ‘drive’, she didn’t put the car in *reverse* and back up over the guy behind her!”

Union Planters had a camera on the entire transaction and plans to turning the film into a training video for the ATM-challenged.

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Goldfish

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.  The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

 

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

 

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

 

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

 

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.  On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.  Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

 

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

 

Suit: - No offence taken!  I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

 

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

 

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example .. Do you have a goldfish at home?

 

Dave: - Er ..... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it  happens!

 

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

 

Dave: - It's in a pond!

 

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

 

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

 

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

 

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house.... built it myself!

 

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

 

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

 

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

 

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

 

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

 

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

 

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

 

Dave: - How's that then?

 

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

 

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

 

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

 

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there.  Did you ask him what he does?

 

Dave: - Yep!  He's a logical scientist!

 

Stuart: - What's that then?

 

Dave: - I'll try and explain.  Do you have a goldfish?

 

Stuart: - Nope.

 

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

Wrong Side of the Bed

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 19, 2011 | No Comments

A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, “Good morning sisters”.

They reply in a sing song manner, “You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, “Good morning Brother.”

The Brother replies in a sing song voice, “You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

The priest was very confused at this and goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, “Good morning Father.”

The priest replies in a sing song manner, “You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, “Father …”

The young priest was not going to take any more, even from the Bishop. He looks at the Bishop and says, “No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

The Bishop looks at him stunned and says “What?”

The priest realized his mistake and said “I am sorry your holiness, what is it you wanted.”

The bishop looks at him and says, “All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann’s shoes?”

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Yellow Buttercups

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 23, 2010 | No Comments

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods. He found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up trashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden …POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,

“I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life . . . . . As a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”

THEN POOF! . . . . she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,

“Fred,where are you?”

Fred yells back, “I’m over here, in the pussy willows.”

Harry yells back……

“DON’T SWING FRED!!! DON’T SWING!!!!!”

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Jokes for the Week - August 30

Mwaaahahaha! Happy (2 days before) Halloween, everybody! To celebrate, check out my list of the 20 Funniest Vampire and Zombie Viral Videos! They're frightfully funny! And terrifyingly good!

It's SCARY how I keep trying to make HALLOWEEN PUNS!

Photo courtesy of YouTube

Spider-Man creator/living legend Stan Lee was hanging out at a comic book convention this past weekend and posed for pictures with his fans. The pictures? They're pretty amazing.

Especially this one, to the left. Dude, have you no shame?

Photo courtesy of Urlesque

Behold, ladies and gentlemen, the legendary Candy Warrior. He wields a mighty weapon -- candy -- and keeps the forces of evil at bay. He is nearly indestructible; his might and prowress unparralled.

Alas, his chief strength is also his sole weakness -- his voracious appetite for the very candy he wields. Fair warrior, be careful... you're far too powerful for your own good. As long as you manage to avoid temptation, you shall rule this world in a fortnight.

Photo courtesy of Tumblr

This video, of two adorable bunnies inside of two soda cups, is one of the most adorable things you will ever see, ever. Ever.

There's not too much to say, other than that this video should probably be illegal because watching it on loop is absolutely addictive, like some sort of really cute form of heroin. Awwwwww! These bunnies can even make HEROIN cute!

Photo courtesy of YouTube

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Jokes for the Week - September 6

Mwaaahahaha! Happy (2 days before) Halloween, everybody! To celebrate, check out my list of the 20 Funniest Vampire and Zombie Viral Videos! They're frightfully funny! And terrifyingly good!

It's SCARY how I keep trying to make HALLOWEEN PUNS!

Photo courtesy of YouTube

Spider-Man creator/living legend Stan Lee was hanging out at a comic book convention this past weekend and posed for pictures with his fans. The pictures? They're pretty amazing.

Especially this one, to the left. Dude, have you no shame?

Photo courtesy of Urlesque

Behold, ladies and gentlemen, the legendary Candy Warrior. He wields a mighty weapon -- candy -- and keeps the forces of evil at bay. He is nearly indestructible; his might and prowress unparralled.

Alas, his chief strength is also his sole weakness -- his voracious appetite for the very candy he wields. Fair warrior, be careful... you're far too powerful for your own good. As long as you manage to avoid temptation, you shall rule this world in a fortnight.

Photo courtesy of Tumblr

This video, of two adorable bunnies inside of two soda cups, is one of the most adorable things you will ever see, ever. Ever.

There's not too much to say, other than that this video should probably be illegal because watching it on loop is absolutely addictive, like some sort of really cute form of heroin. Awwwwww! These bunnies can even make HEROIN cute!

Photo courtesy of YouTube

View the original article here

Sex on Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Margaret land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Margaret brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Margaret.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Margaret and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Margaret.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Margaret, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

New Clips for the Week

Mwaaahahaha! Happy (2 days before) Halloween, everybody! To celebrate, check out my list of the 20 Funniest Vampire and Zombie Viral Videos! They're frightfully funny! And terrifyingly good!

It's SCARY how I keep trying to make HALLOWEEN PUNS!

Photo courtesy of YouTube

Spider-Man creator/living legend Stan Lee was hanging out at a comic book convention this past weekend and posed for pictures with his fans. The pictures? They're pretty amazing.

Especially this one, to the left. Dude, have you no shame?

Photo courtesy of Urlesque

Behold, ladies and gentlemen, the legendary Candy Warrior. He wields a mighty weapon -- candy -- and keeps the forces of evil at bay. He is nearly indestructible; his might and prowress unparralled.

Alas, his chief strength is also his sole weakness -- his voracious appetite for the very candy he wields. Fair warrior, be careful... you're far too powerful for your own good. As long as you manage to avoid temptation, you shall rule this world in a fortnight.

Photo courtesy of Tumblr

This video, of two adorable bunnies inside of two soda cups, is one of the most adorable things you will ever see, ever. Ever.

There's not too much to say, other than that this video should probably be illegal because watching it on loop is absolutely addictive, like some sort of really cute form of heroin. Awwwwww! These bunnies can even make HEROIN cute!

Photo courtesy of YouTube

View the original article here

Best Man Jokes

Before Writing Your Best Man Jokes

Consider the personality of the groom. Is the groom a "jokester," who laughs easily and appreciates a good joke at his own expense? If so, mirror the personality of the groom, including funny comments and perhaps even "roasting" the groom a bit.

Other grooms may be more traditional, serious or sentimental. Again, your speech should mirror these personality traits, including more complementary and respectful anecdotes. You can still include a few marriage jokes, just balance them with plenty of sincere and respectful comments.

Funny Best Man Speeches

Funny best man speeches will be very entertaining if you know how to handle the fun part in those speeches. If you are a good public speaker have to go for a real funny best man speech. The good news is, even if you aren't that comfortable talking in front of a gathering, you still can look forward to deliver good funny jokes in your best man speeches. All you need to do is in advance prepare for the speech and also go over it a few times before you actually deliver it at the wedding reception.

The Length of Speeches

Many people who give best man speeches think they have to talk for a long time for their speech to be good. However, that's not the case. Your speech will be perfect if you cover everything you want to cover.

Keeping it on the short side will be appreciated by the guests. Five minutes is more than long enough to say what you have to say AND for your guests! Five minutes is a long time to listen to someone talk. So as long as you're reasonably prepared, don't mumble and stumble through your groom speech, your guests will be eternally grateful if you keep it on the short side. Most listeners are forgiving of speeches because they are there to share the tender moment of the day, not to listen to an Oscar acceptance speech. As long as your best man speech is given warmly, sincerely, and briefly, they will be as happy as you are.

Best man jokes- Helpful information for the best man to get his speech right with great jokes to ensure a good response best man speech tips and outline to assist in creating the perfect toast.
best man jokes

Be Happy and Bring Laughter in Everyone's Life by Playing Short Jokes

We all know that human being is a social animal. We can not survive without friends, family and social links. Smile is the main ingredient which binds us with each others. The experience of many years known as life or we can say that the life is the summary of days, months and years. We remember only good days.

We always have two options:-

a. We can waste each portion of daily life.

b. we can utilize it through fun, humor and laughter.

Life means facing problems at every step and fight them to win. I like the statement of Thomas Carlyle, "This world, after all our science and sciences, is still a miracle; wonderful, magical and more, to whosoever will think of it."

We should smile always to break all the hindrances and short jokes are very helpful in bringing laughter. If you have any funny incident, you should share with your friends and scream them. Just do it and do not wait or feel shy. Believe that you can create lots of humor and it is infectious. It works like a chain system.

There are many Plus points of being a jolly person. I share some of them:-

o You can impress the person whom you like most.

o You will get a special invitation in every get together or function.

o Your jolly nature will be appreciated by all.

o Every one will die for your company.

o It helps to increase your communication skill.

o You will be talk of the group.

Short Jokes can be a good reason to create humor and you can count the benefits of laughter as:-

o Laughter is the meal of heart and relaxes the body. It is a free medicine.

o It creates adventure, fun and humor in life.

o It gives us a chance to make more friends and increase intimacy. We can share our ludicrous incidents with each other.

o It is helpful in removing boredom from the environment.

o It relieves the stress and our focus gets away from anger.

o It strengthen our immune system and diminish the pain.

o Our body feels relaxed after hearty laugh.

o It make our heart and mind healthy.

It has rightly been said by Arnold that "Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects." Laughter makes us positive and optimistic. It changes your attitude and things seem possible. Each one of us has got some unique qualities. We should use them in achieving the mission of successful life.

Bring Laughter with Short Jokes and enjoy the Life.

Short Jokes

16 Funny, Clean Jokes - Take 2 and Go to Work

Do you find yourself whistling and humming at work not to the tune of Happy Days are Here Again but to Take This Job and Shove It! Then read all 16 of these jokes, take 2 a day and tell them to your boss, co-workers or anyone who will listen. Soon you'll lighten your load and find yourself singing Zippity Doo Dah.

1. I remember when my attitude was "Look all you want, just don't touch." Fast-forward 20 years, and now I'm like, "Touch all you want, just don't look!"

2. Work, the ultimate self-esteem-sucking machine.

3. I work for a good cause: 'cause I need the money.

4. My marriage vows should have included the phrase, "Till debt do us part."

5. I want my husband to take me in his arms and whisper those three little words that all women long to hear: "You were right."

6. It's true that gray hair makes you look distinguished. It distinguishes you from the younger-looking people.

7. My boss tried to give me advice, he said I look frumpy and that I dressed better ten years ago. I don't know why he said that... I wear the same clothes.

8. You know you're getting old when you bend down to pick up something and think, 'What else can I get while I'm down here.'

9. I used our company Employee Health Referral program. The psychologist asked me, 'Is it difficult to please your boss?' I replied, "I don't know, I never tried."

10. I worked at a 'I'll scratch your back, you stab mine' kind of place.

11. My boss has different colored eyes...two of them are green

12. Hell...where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't

13. Love is blind, that's why we feel around so much

14. Top of the morn' to ye...rest o' the day to me-self!

15. Our office fridge doesn't have a crisper...it's more like a rotter.

16. I work too much. I never have time to date. I'm beginning to think that my headstone will read... 'Here lies Kelly, still sleeping alone.'

Kelly Smith is a Corporate Recruiter Consultant. Kelly works alongside human resources and hiring managers to source, screen, review resumes, interview, negotiate and extend offers to thousands of candidates throughout her more than 15 years in staffing. Visit Kelly's web site at http://KellyStaffingExpert.com see her blog, view jobs, and visit her store to buy her book, The Recruiter's Hiring Secrets. Also, in the store link you can send Kelly your resume for her to review and to make recommendations from her corporate recruiter perspective. Happy Job Hunting!

Top Jokes -- Jokes for the Week, September 20

Mwaaahahaha! Happy (2 days before) Halloween, everybody! To celebrate, check out my list of the 20 Funniest Vampire and Zombie Viral Videos! They're frightfully funny! And terrifyingly good!

It's SCARY how I keep trying to make HALLOWEEN PUNS!

Photo courtesy of YouTube

Spider-Man creator/living legend Stan Lee was hanging out at a comic book convention this past weekend and posed for pictures with his fans. The pictures? They're pretty amazing.

Especially this one, to the left. Dude, have you no shame?

Photo courtesy of Urlesque

Behold, ladies and gentlemen, the legendary Candy Warrior. He wields a mighty weapon -- candy -- and keeps the forces of evil at bay. He is nearly indestructible; his might and prowress unparralled.

Alas, his chief strength is also his sole weakness -- his voracious appetite for the very candy he wields. Fair warrior, be careful... you're far too powerful for your own good. As long as you manage to avoid temptation, you shall rule this world in a fortnight.

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This video, of two adorable bunnies inside of two soda cups, is one of the most adorable things you will ever see, ever. Ever.

There's not too much to say, other than that this video should probably be illegal because watching it on loop is absolutely addictive, like some sort of really cute form of heroin. Awwwwww! These bunnies can even make HEROIN cute!

Photo courtesy of YouTube

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