John Wayne Stole My Joke

Years ago when I was in my twenties I worked for the telegraph company as a teletype operator. The one thing I hated about the job was when I had to deliver singing telegrams. This was usually done by telephone and I was not especially proud of my singing voice.

I was working for the telegraph office in Hayward, California and we had a regular customer, let's call her Mrs. M, who was a bit eccentric. Mrs. M would call in and dictate long, rambling, non-sensical telegrams to the Pope, the President, her Congressman, and anybody else who happened to annoy her. These telegrams went on sometimes for several pages and didn't make a lot of sense. The girls in our office hated to take these telegrams from her because she was sometimes a little abusive with them as well. But she was one of our better customers. The telegrams were charged by the word and her telegrams would sometimes run over $100. As I said she was a little eccentric, but she was also wealthy.

I didn't mind talking to her and the girls in the office hated it, so I made them a deal. If they would handle any singing telegrams we got, I would handle the calls from Mrs. M.

Years later I was working as a backlot timekeeper for Paramount Pictures. I told some of my co-workers about this experience and they found it quite amusing. As we started joking about it, we came up with a funny joke based on my experiences. The joke got told and was soon passed on all around the movie studio lot.

A few more years later after I had left my job at Paramount, I was watching a program on TV and John Wayne was a guest star. He did something I had never seen him do before -- he told a joke. To my surprise, it was the joke my friends and I had created years earlier.

Although I met a lot of stars when I worked at Paramount, I never had the honor of meeting John Wayne. I was very flattered, though, to see that he liked my joke. Here, for your enjoyment, is the joke that John Wayne stole from me and my friends:

A woman was sitting in her home when she heard a knock on the door. She got up and found a telegraph delivery man at her doorway. As he was explaining he had a telegram for her, she got very excited.

"Oh boy, sing it to me!" she exclaimed.

"Oh ma'am, I couldn't do that," the delivery man replied.

"Don't be bashful," she said. "Please sing it to me! I insist!"

"Well, okay" he said. And he burst out into song:

"La, da, ta, da, da, da! Your sister Rose is dead."

Ron Coleman is a cartoonist, illustrator and humorous writer. His work can be viewed on his website: http://www.colemantoons.com

Christmas Joke About Cyber Terrorism Hackers

Cyber attacks and cyber terrorism have disrupted many US government computer systems. These hackers, many of them "patriotic hackers" from China have also hit many of the United States' largest corporations. At the North Pole, a US territory, they also hit Santa Claus Corporation. But this time they stole the Christmas "wish lists" of 1.1 billion children.

Santa Claus Corporation has been busy notifying all the children that their private information has been jeopardized by hackers. The Federal Trade Commission is suing the company for allowing identity thieves to steal this data. There may also be violations of HIPPA because occasionally handicapped or physically challenged children tell Santa Claus of their ailments in letters when they send in their Christmas wish lists.

Because of all the negative publicity this has caused Santa Claus Corporation a huge problem. It may even cut down in the number of orders this year, which are already down by 20% due to the global economic financial meltdown and crisis. If things get much worse, it could very much hurt the corporation's stock, which is already down 40% from October of 2008.

Mr. Claus stated; "I'm not sure what the hackers want with all these Christmas wish-lists, but if they'd like to provide the toys for all the children, whose personal information they stole, then be my guest. Just make sure you get all those toys delivered by December 25th. And don't forget the Hanukkah list either, those are due even sooner, as our Corporation now has the contract for Hanukkah as well."

Parents, Santa, and federal authorities are fit to be tied over this hacking incident.

Lance Winslow is a retired Founder of a Nationwide Franchise Chain, and now runs the Online Think Tank. Lance Winslow believes in secured networks.

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Stand Up Comedienne - Gagging For A Joke

What type of person sees the funny side of a joke or gag told by a stand up comedienne, what type of person doubles over with laughter after the punch line of a joke has been delivered?

What kind of person is more prone to giggle when watching someone play the fool? Well the answer to that is simple? A person one who wants to laugh. Laughter represents happiness.

Celebration parties will always include some form of entertainment - whether it is in the form of a musical band - solo singer or magician etc. But the most popular performer of all invited along to entertain is a stand up comedienne and the reason for that is because they can accommodate their act to suit the mood.

Stand up comics have a mission to accomplish each time they perform their act and that is to make people laugh with their funny jokes - some funny folk amuse party guests in other ways with hilarious foolish antics or silly mime games.

Depending on the event or occasion the comedy performance may be structured around the parties theme e.g. a child`s party may have characters like a clown or if it is an all male wild stag night gathering - then expect the stand up comedienne to deliver the goods in the way of naughty blue jokes. Jokes and gags come clean or dirty - this is your party therefore the choice of entertainment is entirely up to you.

The best thing for you to do if you are to host an event which involves a stand up comedienne - is to do a little research, check out what you feel will go down well with your party guests. An atmosphere where laughter holds a strong presence tells you that the party is definitely a success.

Sometimes it is the host that takes on the role as the funny performer (stand up comedienne) if this is your intention then ask a few close friends for help in rounding up a few party gags - by doing this you have guaranteed laughs because those who shared their jokes with you will always find them funny. Stand up comedienne jokes and gag material can be found online. If you are finding it a struggle to get your act together then why not listen to or watch a video on stand up comediennes to gather tips. Online entertainment sites provide all you need to know on funny folk, so if you are gagging for a good joke then go online.

Another good idea is to practice acting out your stage show in the mirror - this is a great way to make sure you look the part and that part is the star attraction at the event.

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The Aristocrats

Released without a rating and billed as "the most vile, disgusting, and vulgar" film of all time, The Aristocrats is also funny enough to qualify as a minor comedy classic. We say "minor" only because hearing the same foul joke told by 100 celebrated comedians is inevitably exhausting, even though the shaggy-dog gag (a vintage in-joke among comedians, allowing outrageously obscene improvisation, and always ending with the same titular punchline) is also a fascinating litmus test for each comedian's irreverent style. As codirectors and show-biz insiders, veteran comedians Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette (from the comedy duo Penn & Teller) corralled an unprecedented parade of stand-up celebrities (George Carlin, Robin Williams, Drew Carey, Whoopi Goldberg, Sarah Silverman, the South Park kids and many, many more), each telling "the dirtiest joke of all time" in their own inimitable fashion. The sheer volume of vaudevillian vulgarity takes on a life of its own, more fascinating than funny, until Gilbert Gottfried (at a celebrity roast for Hugh Hefner, shortly after the terrorist attacks of 9/11/01) tells what is unanimously hailed as the definitive version of the joke. It's a matter of context, style, and bawdy bravado, and for better or worse, The Aristocrats will endure as a testament to a joke so bad--so uproariously bad--that no comedian worthy of the profession can resist the temptation to tell it. --Jeff Shannon

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Joke Writing - How Can I Learn to Write Jokes?

It started very simply for one well-known comedian. He was out with nothing to do one day and decided to buy a book. The subject of the book was how to write books, and the result changed his life. He has since had a television show in his own name, the hosted a famous and tremendously successful comedy show, and he is the new host of The Price is Right.

That's right, Drew Carrey got his start simply by buying a book on how to write jokes. So now you must be asking yourself, how can I learn to write jokes. If thats the case, then I hope to give you a few tips from my own experience.

The most important thing is to not be afraid of embarrassment. You will need to be a clown, be a fool. Some of your jokes will work and some will not, but they all need to be tested no matter what. In order to accurately be sure of the results of your test, you will need to be your own worst critic. The response you want is a full belly laugh, a loud guffaw, not just a polite giggle.

What ever you plan to write for, whether it be a novel, sitcom, or if your aim is to do stand-up comedy, people will expect a higher level of joke, then a group of friends might. Your friends will be more forgiving than an audience in a bar, even if they have had a bit to drink. If you are looking to write jokes, then chances are you are already a funny person and your friends, want to laugh at you, a sitcom audience want to not laugh at you.

If you are serious about your jokes, then you need to see the resources at clean, funny jokes

Why Wait For Someone Else To Create Really Funny Jokes?

Let's face it, we all love a laugh. We need funny events, funny jokes, comedy shows, cartoons, or even just listening to someone with an infectious laugh, because when we laugh it's nature's drug free high. We feel good about life, just for those moments.

Thousands of people trawl the Net each day in search of the latest jokes. There is a definite sense of one-upmanship if you can tell a joke the other person has yet to hear. Better still if you can regularly do it. Just think about the thousands of emails circulating workplaces with jokes, funny pictures, or daft video attached.

The sad thing about this activity is that we are all relying on someone out there to come up with, or who can point us in the direction of, these daily funnies. It never occurs to us that maybe we could come up with a joke ourselves. To create a joke that no-one has heard before, and start it on a world wide internet adventure is an exhilarating feeling, but too much like hard work for most. They'd rather spend time posting the same tired old gags on internet joke forums, or trawling joke sites in the vain hope of spotting something new.

Yet jokes don't just materialise out of digital nowhere. Someone somewhere has created them. Admittedly a lot are taken from routines of well known comedians, albeit in most cases without due credit, or lifted from comedy shows, but a significant amount are created by ordinary folk who had a lightbulb moment.

We can all do it if we take the time. We often say funny or amusing things that we immediately forget about, or something will happen during the day that raises a smile, or, better still, forces a laugh. Imagine being able to recall all those wonderful moments and write them down. What a wealth of material. You could undoubtedly write your own comedy series.

If you're not blessed with total recall then play around with words. The English language is fertile ground when it comes to growing your own jokes. Puns and double-entendres abound. Give yourself half an hour, arm yourself with a dictionary, and flick through, picking pages at random. Look for words with more than one meaning. Bar is a classic example.

A man walked into a bar. Ouch!

When you're looking at definitions, make a note too of common terms and phrases associated with that word. Use a well known phrase as your punchline and work backwards. The more you train yourself to look for amusing connections, the easier it becomes to create funny lines. Given a few practice runs there's no reason why your creation shouldn't be the latest hot joke doing the Internet rounds.

I'll leave you with a joke I created a while ago, but which came about when I was playing cards. The two key words here are hand and trump. I came up with the punchline first and then filled in the rest.

A Doctor is not surprised to see the name of a particular patient on his list. The elderly gent in question has recently had heart surgery and treatment for painful arthritis in his hand. However, there is another reason for his visit.

"It`s very embarrassing, Doctor. But I keep breaking wind in company. I was at the golf club Thursday and couldn`t stop myself. On Friday it was all quiet in the chess club until I let one go. Same thing has happened at the Dancing Club, the Social Club and the Gardeners Club. I can`t seem to stop blowing off."

"Alright" says the Doctor, "Let`s check a couple of things. Are you wearing any gold or precious stones?"

The old man is somewhat puzzled but says, "Good Lord, no. Never been into wearing anything like that."

"And are you still digging vegetables on your allotment?"

"No. The wife was concerned it was too much for me, so she put my shovels away in the loft where I can`t get at them."

"Mmmm" says the Doctor, "I think I see your problem. High spades, a dodgy heart, too many clubs and no diamonds. With a hand like yours you`re bound to trump!"

Graham Parry, creator of The Jester, http://thejester.biz , is attempting to resuscitate the lightbulb joke at http://www.thelightbulbjoke.blogspot.com

4 Funny Text Messages, and What They Can Teach Us About Life

Funny text messages and self-help - what's that all about then?

Well I reckon that some of those funny SMS jokes you get sent on your mobile phone can actually teach us all a thing or two about life.

And I'm going to use this short article to prove it.

And if, after reading, you're not convinced - and you didn't laugh at the free SMS jokes either - then I'll happily offer you a full refund.

Because, as everyone knows, you get what you pay for in this life.

Or do you?...

Funny SMS #1: If I begin to procrastinate today instead of tomorrow, would that be considered self-improvement?

It would be considered cute, for sure, but I'm not sure procrastinating today is ever a good thing. Even though I'm as guilty as the next person. (I've been meaning to write this article about funny text messages for weeks now. And it's only because I'm putting off writing another article that I'm writing this one today!)

Seriously, procrastination is just another way that fear shows its ugly head. And fear is (mostly) a bad thing. It stops you from being the person you really are.

Funny SMS #2: Be friendly with your kids, they choose your home when you are old!

Hah, now this free funny SMS is perhaps not so funny when you get it sent to you from one of your children! And in terms of self-help, it's all about your actions having consequences I guess, and the need therefore for us all to take full responsibility for them.

Of course if you don't have kids then do the heck what you want!...

Funny SMS #3: Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

This is another of those cute procrastination funny text messages. But there's a strong element of truth in it: laziness does pay off now, and we all like instant payouts!

So there's nothing more to say, really, other than be lazy now! Yep, it's bound to get us what we want in life. Provided, of course, that all we want in life is to be lazy now (and we happen to have won the lottery)...

Funny SMS #4: The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Which is another way of saying the early bird gets the worm.

Which can also be thought of as the worm that got up early got eaten by the early bird.

Which is my way of saying, sometimes it pays to wait, and sometimes you need to take action now.

Your mission, Jim, should you decide to accept it, is to know which time is which.

--

Okay, that pretty much proves it conclusively folks that those funny text messages you get on your cell phone aren't always a waste of time.

Sometimes, the person who sent it to you is really trying to give you a subtle message about life.

And sometimes they just wanna make you laugh. Like with this funny SMS...

Boy: I am not rich like Raoul, I don't even have a big car like Raoul. But I really love you!

Girl: I love you too, but tell me more about Raoul...

Yes, this is one of those funny messages that doesn't have a self-help meaning. And I've included it here simply because it made me laugh.

Oh, come to think of it, that's all right actually. Laughing is good. In fact, I'd go as far as saying that laughing is a sign that we're enjoying life. And I'm pretty sure that's the point of self-help isn't it, to enjoy life more. (Or is the point to life so that we can get to know (or be) Raoul?...)

Steve M Nash believes that you are your own self help guru. And that's why he created http://www.SelfHelpCollective.com - to let you help yourself, and help others too. But if you just want to read funny text messages then you can do so here, for free http://www.selfhelpcollective.com/funny-text-messages.html

Funny Practical Jokes

Funny practical jokes can be a laugh for everybody. These kinds of jokes are lighthearted and are quite different from a written or a verbal joke. Pranks, as practical jokes are sometimes called, involve someone doing something to someone else.

An example would be college students using a crane to put a professor's car on top of the college roof. After the crane leaves, the professor comes out of class and can't find his car. He thinks it's stolen at first, but then he notices other students looking up at the top of the building and laughing. He then looks up to discover where his car is. Then, of course, he goes through the thought process of wondering how on earth the car got up there and how he's going to get it down (this actually happened at Oxford University).

This was quite a complex practical joke. When everyone had their laugh, the students responsible for the joke had the crane returned and gently placed the car back in the parking lot.

Funny practical jokes can be very simple, too. At one time a young man fell asleep on the couch at some friends' house and they painted his fingernails and toenails pink while he slept. He never noticed until he got to work the next day and was he surprised! He must have been half asleep not to notice. That was a harmless practical joke and they all had a great laugh--at his expense, of course.

Another simple prank is just jumping out and scaring a friend when he or she least expects it. One nine-year old girl regularly hides in the house when she sees her father coming home. She will wait and wait and wait, like a tiger waiting for its prey and then she'll pounce as he comes around a corner. She scares him every time. And then they laugh together.

That same girl at age five, snuck into her dad's office when he was busy on the computer one day. She quietly tied one of her father's legs to the chair he was sitting on with a silk scarf. She was so careful and quiet that he never felt a thing. After tying the scarf, she hid behind another chair so she could watch what was going to happen. She patiently waited as a few minutes passed. Finally, her dad got up from the chair and when he took his first step, the chair came with him. He couldn't believe his eyes as he looked down to see his daughter's silk scarf tied around his ankle to the chair. He burst out in laughter and she jumped and squealed with joy. She got him again!

April Fool's Day is the big practical joke day of the year. Some people think about jokes and the people they want to play them on for weeks and sometimes even months ahead of time. And then on April 1st they put their plan into action. What are you going to do next April Fools' Day?

Tad is a seasoned educator, counselor and writer. He writes for http://www.familyfuncartoons.com - From coloring pages, crafts, puzzles, how to draw simple things, kids poetry, teen fun, games, party fun, and also educational projects.

Laughing at Really Funny Jokes Keeps Heart Attack Away

The adage, "laughter is the best medicine", proves to be true when it comes to keeping heart attacks at bay. Recent studies conducted at a university in Baltimore show that people who always have a good laugh are less likely to have heart diseases. Further, people with heart diseases are found 40% less probable to laugh and become humorous compared to people to those without heart problems. If this is true, the very elixir that could solve a serious medical condition pertaining to the heart is found the very primordial act of laughing at really funny jokes.

A good belly laugh considered to be a form of exercise. It can serve as an "internal exercise because it provides a good cardiac stimulation and conditioning. This is especially important to those who don't have the time to exercise or do physical activities. Laughing also prevents hypertension because it lessens the likeliness of stress. It relaxes muscles and lessens the supply of dopamine in he blood, a hormone known to induce the fight or flight response.

Knowing all these, how can you practice the habit of laughing to keep heart attack away? Here are some ways.

1. Think of happy thoughts.

Keeping a light-hearted disposition is crucial in preventing heart attacks. Try to recall the things that you find funny. This may include a hilarious scene on TV, news or an event. Whenever stress starts keeping in, think about these situations can lower your stress and anxiety levels.

2. Engage in a healthy and entertaining conversation with close friends.

Doing this does not only produce some natural laughter, but also helps maintain good mental health. It gives a light feeling and relieves tension.

3. Watch funny movies and TV shows.

This is probably one of the easiest things to do to laugh. Immersing in the hilarity of others' propensity for funny antics is the ultimate way to turn off sadness and stress. The heart benefits a lot from the laughter you give out.

4. Read some really funny jokes.

Fortunately, there are lots of good sites on the internet that feature jokes and pranks that people can laugh at. When the feeling of heaviness of heart creeps in, don't wallow in misery. Taking care of the heart through laughing is very important.

5. Relax!

Don't pretend to have fun, but let laughter come naturally. It is also not advisable to be so serious about life. If there's a big hindrance on the road, don't lash out and go berserk. Relax and respond humorously to everyday life's situation. Think of positive things that could still induce some laughter amidst a stressful incident. Remember that most of the time, stress is only in the mind.

Nursing loneliness and anguish is the fastest way to a nasty and life-threatening heart attack. Don't treat your heart like you have another one in the bank in case what you have fails to beat. Nurture a happy disposition, laugh at really funny jokes, and smile to ensure a healthy heart.

A Computer Engineering student and loves to travel. Reading current news in the internet is one of his past times. Taking pictures of the things around him fully satisfies him. He loves to play badminton and his favorite pets are cats.

For more information and queries, you may visit Really Funny Jokes.

Mobil-Jokes downloadable Software

Mobil-Jokes 1.1 is your ultimate social tool. It comes packed with over 300 jokes. Just select a joke type, such as lawyer jokes, computer jokes, or gender jokes and view as many jokes as your funny bone can handle. Mobil-Jokes also has the capability to update joke categories and add new jokes. With Mobil-Jokes 1.1 you will always be the life of the party. Just download and never again be at a loss for words. Enjoy!

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Jokes and Riddles - How To Write Them

Just listening to or reading jokes and riddles may "wake up" your brain, but it is creating them that really exercises your brainpower. The process requires you to use both logical and lateral thinking skills. How do you do it, then?

Jokes and riddle don't come to mind randomly. In fact, after watching how many comedians create their routines, I am convinced that they use what I call "humor algorithms," even if they do so unconsciously. You can learn to do the same, but consciously, and as an interesting brain exercise.

Joke And Riddle Algorithms

One systematic and creative humor algorithm involves starting with a word or a subject, and then fitting it into various joke and riddle "types." For an example, I'll start with "chair." (I really am doing this as I write, so forgive the weak humor that is sure to result.)

The first thing I do is systematically think of all the types of chairs I can, and write them down. After that, I write down a few types of jokes, such as "puns," "misdirection," "differences," and "similarities." As I do this, it occurs to me that an electric chair might have the most potential for humor (all serious things do). Here is what I could come up with in thirteen minutes:

Differences: What is the difference between a toilet and a chair? I'm sorry, but if you don't know, I can't invite you over to my house!

Misdirection: Why did Charlie hate the chair they gave him for his birthday? Because they gave him the electric chair!

Similarities: What does my dog have in common with a chair? He has four legs and an IQ of zero.

Pun: Why did the customer at the motor vehicles department start rearranging seats after waiting for hours? Because he was the "chair-man of the bored."

Writing humor isn't necessarily easy, but it is great brain exercise. Whether it is easy or not, by using these "algorithms," anyone can write jokes and riddles. Why not give it a try?

Steve Gillman has been studying brainpower and related topics for years. For more humor algorithms, visit the page on writing Jokes and Riddles, and get the Brain Power Newsletter at: http://www.IncreaseBrainPower.com

Politics and Jokes - The Marriage of True Minds

No matter how funny, cruel or lame they may be, no one can joke about the effects of political jokes on the popularity of US presidential candidates. With political humor and spoofs sprawled all over late night shows and the joke-opedia on the net, Barrack Obama, McCain, and their respective running-mates are saving some considerable campaign finances. Just like the old cliché, "bad publicity is still publicity".

Famous for Being Joked About

McCain's republican running-mate, Sarah Palin, has become a household name all over the world after the much-hyped about SNL spoof. Then there's the Leno joke (actually, everyone has joked about this) of her being clueless on the first thing about foreign policies quoting "Up til now, most of her knowledge about foreign countries came from watching the 'Amazing Race.' ... She met with the presidents of Afghanistan, Colombia and Iraq. She was excited because these are all countries you can't see from Alaska."

Ironically, she has gained more popularity all throughout America out of these jokes than out of being the governor of Alaska.

Barrack Obama is never new to Popville. He has been popular since his senatorial years and now, being the very first black presidential candidate. To say that he has been the hot topic of all these late night shows and even the male muse of political joke sites on the web is even an understatement. His fame has been all the rage this political joke season. "Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him," mused Conan O'Brien.

McCain, often targeted for his age, has benefited considerably because of the jokes thrown at and about him like arguments in a presidential debate. "No, no, he said he'd like to postpone the presidential debate until he's, you know, ahead in the polls," said Leno in his show.

The "Have-Beens" Being "In" Because of Jokes

Although already a former president, political jokes have never left Clinton ever since the Lewinsky scandal he has involved himself in. Now that his wife is also a strong name in the political rat-race, both of them have the butt of all late night jokes. Their relationship and political ventures have been intertwined in the jokes buzzing the internet. Conan O'Brien even joked, "This weekend, Bill Clinton said Hillary should not drop out of the presidential race. Yeah, when asked why, Bill said, 'because then she'd come home'."

Who Says Election Should Be so Serious?

November 4 is Election Day. That day begins the end. Anything can happened between then and now---economies failing, running-mates getting themselves into more trouble, and the Congress being clueless as to what to do with the Wall Street issue. On the other hand, if you want to stay positive about these topsy-turvy election adventures and laugh in the process, don't fret. More political jokes are being baked in the oven.

A Computer Engineering student and loves to travel. Reading current news in the internet is one of his past times. Taking pictures of the things around him fully satisfies him. He loves to play badminton and his favorite pets are cats.

For more information and queries, you may visit Political Jokes

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Beneficial Tips on Wedding Speech Jokes - The Best Man

Are you having difficulty when it dreaming up some good ideas for wedding speech jokes as the best man? You don't need to worry because this article will provide you with lots of ideas that will help you to get the wedding party laughing. Serious speeches are a thing of the past. Therefore, you need to think of a way that can attract the attention of not only the newly weds but the whole wedding party and guests. Wedding speech jokes are great ways to lighten up the wedding speech and make the entire wedding more memorable.

Here are some helpful tips that you can ad and make your best man wedding speech jokes a hit at the wedding and at the reception.

o When you are writing your jokes, look at the past that you have with both the bride and groom. Tell funny stories about the different things you have shared with them. Make funny observations about how different habits the each have and how they are going to affect the marriage, but in a humorous way. Is the groom an avid fisherman? Talk about the fisher becoming the catch. Bet he never though he would have a hook in him. These are examples of humorous observations.

o Don't bore you audience by going on and on about the same subject. Switch up you subject every two or three jokes. No subject should be subjected to more than a couple. Moving around allows the audience to refocus and keeps them from getting bored.

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Let's Party: The National Bad Taste Comedy Finals

If you dig raunchy humor and dirty jokes, with occasional lapses in good taste, you've picked up the right video! Put it on, and you'll hear some of today's most personable purveyors of prurient palaver competing for the right to be called THE WORLD'S FUNNIEST DIRTY PERFORMER. And they really go for it. They don't pull a punch line. Double entendres become single entendres. And there is no depth to which they will not sink in order to evoke a little mucky mirth. our tarnished-tongued humorists include: JACKIE GROSS, JOE RESTIVO, STANLEY RALPH ROSS, BIFF MANARD, DON HANVEY, JACK PERDUE, JOHN FOX, JOHN GRAIMAN, CARRIE SNOW, DAVID TYREE, ROBERT SCHIMMEL, and RICHARD BARSH. Some of it may shock you, rock you, and even revolt you, but I can promise you one thing: Youre Gonna Laugh!

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Sometimes Corporations Are a Joke

Consider if you will the modern day corporation and all its hypocrisy, bureaucracy and inefficiency, along with all its denial, passing the buck, CYA and fiefdom'ism. Sometimes it is so insane and nuts it is just crazy, it cannot be real, sometimes things are so screwed up you just want to rip your hair out or cry. Well, Scott Adams has a better idea, just laugh at it all, thus he makes jokes that shake the core of the corporation.

Indeed, I agree and thus, I'd like to recommend and great desk reference book for you to own:

"The Dilbert Future; Thriving on Business Stupidity in the 21-st Century" by Scott Adams; HaperBusiness division of Harper Collins Publishers, Inc. New York, NY; 1998

This book borrows the title and makes a pun on the famous business book; "Thriving on Chaos" which was also very popular in the 1990s and also another book; "Business in the Twenty-First Century" and perhaps he makes a spoof in the title of the book; "The TQM Future" all in one. And why not, his job is to entertain, question authority, rattle the status quo and challenge the experts. In this book; "The Dilbert Future" he does all that and more.

Each page will make you laugh and smile, you'll want to share these comical pieces and jokes with friends, co-workers and associates. Scott Adams gets us to laugh at ourselves, the system and the corporate rat-race. It's about time someone came along and gave them a taste of their own medicine, it seems executives, managers and employees take themselves way too seriously in the modern day corporations.

"Lance Winslow" - Lance Winslow's Bio. If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; www.WorldThinkTank.net/.

Get a Free Apple iPad Just for Testing It - No Joke!

 You have seen the news and all the commotion surrounding the new Apple iPad.  You want to buy it but you do not have the money, am I right?  Many people feel the same way about a $500 purchase.  However, there are ways to get it free.  How?

Usually, you would just say, "Ya, right," and forget about trying to get a free iPad.  Just a marketing gimic or a scam, right?  However, most people do not realize that companies absolutely need consumers to test their brand new products and submit their opinions and comments so the product can be improved in more ways than one.

By letting people test the product and giving away a predetermined number of iPads, Apple can oversee the testing privately, by the average consumer, i.e. you and me!  Also, if the product lives up to the hype, they have just won the lifetime support of a new customer base who may not have had the money to pay for the product.  Free is always better than paid, and both parties win with this kind of setup.  Am I right?

Normally, these types of promotions only come out when a product is first being launched, which happens to be right now with the apple iPad. That is why if you jump on the bandwagon quickly enough, you will be able to get yourself a brand new, FREE apple iPad just for testing it. That's right, you test it and you keep it! There are a few places to find these types of offers, just make sure you don't fall for something that is not real. If somebody wants any money upfront for a FREE iPad, then do NOT give them a dime. However...

Usually, a promotional offer like this only comes out when a product is being launched, which is true with the Apple iPad.  They are launching a new version before Christmas to capitalize on the popularity of the first iPads in April.  So, if you act quickly enough, you could just be one of those lucky ducks to get a free apple iPad just for being a tester. You heard right, once you test it, you can keep it for free!  There are many places offering this opportunity, just make sure you go with a real one that doesn't require you to pay any money upfront, do not even think about doing that. Although...

If you keep an eye out, you can definitely get yourself a free Apple iPad, sooner than you think.

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Violent Jokes in Our Iranian Culture

Violent Jokes

A culture of violence creates its own spheres of interpersonal relationships. Culture is all around us and we live with it. We Iranian live with a culture of violence all around us. We just need to notice it and to be aware of how we talk. There are many situations we may not have influence to change, however, we can change our selves. We can change our reality by incorporating a language of peace into it.

We can prevent violence if we do not make peace with it and do not introduce it into our daily life. We can choose to live with the culture of peace and happiness. What do I mean? Our jokes reveal a lot of what I will try to say.

Have you noticed that war, killings, murders, death, hangings, executions, assassinations, and torture have found a way into our daily Iranian lives?

How? I will tell you!

We construct and perpetuate, deplore and defeat vanity, hopelessness, abuse, neglect, rape, and various deviations. We internalize violence and desensitize cruelty. We internalize our really hard once we tell those stories in form of jokes.

How many jokes do we hear about war and the way people are dismembered and disabled?

Instead of rejecting these dark areas impacting our lives, we are incorporating them into our lives. What do I mean?

How many jokes do we tell about the way people are killed by chemicals, gas, weapons of mass destruction, bombs, rockets, missiles and all that?

How many jokes do we share about how people are being punished and tortured in the hell or Jahanam as we say?

How many jokes do we know regarding how men and women would be punished differently due to the adult life they choose to have?

How many jokes do we tell about people who are being given a choice for the way they want to be dead? Those choices are about how less painful death could be.

How many jokes do we make about clothes restrictions for women in our home country and what the responses of those women would be?

How many jokes do we hear about child molestation, addictions, prostitution, theft, and other social issues that no one wants to deal with in our home country?

The lists go on and on...

We compare, contrast, confront, label, stigmatize, and generalize the negativity and violence forced upon us. We do all these acts once we get desensitized by jokes that are incongruent with the way we want our life to be.

There is a certain pattern in all these jokes; they are projecting the inhuman reality that is created by human-caused disasters.

Why is that?

Maybe we try to make light of these horrible experiences that make no sense whatsoever. Maybe we try to bring a tone of resiliency into our daily routines by laughing at the unfathomable life in migration all around us.

Now the question is:

When did killing and torture become this normal in our culture?

When did we lose feelings and emotions about people being punished for any reason?

Why should punishment be the response for everything?

Why are we so discouraged and hopeless?

Why have we let a culture of violence encompass our daily lives?

Why we are perpetuating all the inappropriate behaviors, all the inhuman acts, and all the dehumanizing stories?

What do we think we are passing down to our next generations?

This is worth thinking about it. What would our next generations say about us?

It is worth exploring what kind of idea is behind all the horrible jokes we tell one other?

I assume we can not joke around topics such as happiness, joy, love, partnership, and kindness. But do we have to go this far for having fun?

Some people may say, jokes are supposed to be this way.

For this reason we should ask what way?

Most of the jokes that we tell one another reflect what is going on in our home country and what has been the format of our life so far. Most of these jokes are only sad stories of lives that have been wasted.

Where is our dignity?

I guess we have lost the point of having fun.

Note: this article is modified version of what was written for the writer's own website.

Poran Poregbal

Vancouver, B.C

June 26, 2008

I would like to open up a healthy exploration of our Iranian culture and what is included. In doing so, we need to be able to challenge our beliefs about our own culture. Just by analyzing our own culture, we would be able to help our next generations in adjusting in wherever we live with the respect for our own Iranian culture. However, we need to set up new boundaries and define many concepts from scratch zero. I would like to encourage healthy communication, positive participation, and cooperation in respect to building healthy families within our Iranian community. Mental health issues are my main area of interest where I hope to offer a multicultural sensitive counseling. Poran Poregbal, RSW, MA (pending)

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Jokes for the Week - September 13

The Internet's favorite webcomic, xkcd, has a pretty amazing graphic up today called the Ultimate Map of Internet Hangouts. It's a reworking of a world map, but instead of countries, there are websites.

The size of these faux country website regions represents the amount of activity surrounds a website and is based on lots of research conducted over the last year. Also, it's really funny! Check it out now, dummy!

Photo courtesy of xkcd

If these two videos of a kitten falling asleep in a tea cup are not the cutest thing you see all day, well... you must live inside a pink cloud made out of candy or something. Naw, even that's not cuter than this little cutie.

Photo courtesy of Buzz Feed

Meet Jacob Isom, a 23-year-old skateboarder from Amarillo, Texas. Notable facts about Jacob -- he has a rat tail. One of his life's ambitions is to appear in High Times magazine. And he's a hero.

Yes, this seemingly burned out 20-something dude is a hero -- because he stopped anti-Muslim protesters from burning a copy of the Quran. And then he appeared in a news report about it and was hilarious. Jacob's words to the anti-muslim protester after he took away his copy of the Quran -- "Dude, you HAVE no Quran!" are, for the moment, burned into the Internet-surfing public's consciousness.

Which is why I'm happy to report there's a "Dude You Have No Quran" Autotune Remix. And it's good. Ohhh, it's good. Sometimes people get 15 minutes of fame for doing something good. That doesn't mean they shouldn't still receive the Autotune treatment. That's just how the Internet works

Photo courtesy of YouTube

SPOILER ALERT! This very cool video, 50 Book Spoilers in 4 Minutes by the Fine Brothers, will spoil the major plot-lines and endings of 50 great novels. Don't watch if you're one of those people who hates having stuff spoiled for you, i.e. EVERYONE!

Photo courtesy of YouTube

View the original article here

Yo Mama Jokes - A Sad History

Most of us perceive jokes as inconsequential elements which are mainly derived from our day to day activities to add some humor to our dull and busy schedules. Interestingly, very few of us realize that jokes form a realm of their own that is governed not only by morality, ethics, the art of narration, sense of timing and most importantly the ability to relieve our tangled mass of nerves; but also boast a unique history of their own. This is especially true for a category of jokes known as the" Yo Mama jokes" which thrive on an aggregate of occupying and sad events.

To give a slight perspective of how Yo Mama jokes originated, it would be beneficial to mention an African American practice of long-standing which may be termed as an oral custom of hurdling insults on to the other person, usually an acquaintance and taking turns until the opponent was left with no witty and critical comebacks. These insults varied in intensity and are generally termed as "playing the dozens". While the custom may sound to be absurd and nonsensical to many, the age-old tradition on the contrary, requires the contestants to be apt enough to combine their witty conceptions with facetious expressions so as to produce the desired effect. The retorts had to be unpredictably witty and satirical in order for an individual to win.

This custom of "playing the dozens" is said to have originated from the practice of selling old and deformed slaves in an auction. The slaves were generally sold by the dozen. Undoubtedly this mocking and deriding event was a great blow to the Black slaves who were grouped together in lots of "cheap dozens" and then sold to the slave owners.

So how do Yo Mama jokes link to something so disrespectful and contemptuous? This custom of ridiculing their opponents led to the emergence of a new category of jokes called the Yo Mama jokes which helped slaves survive in harmony among themselves and maintain their tolerance while adding joy to their lives with these trivial jokes and witty remarks. This oral custom is said to have been developed by the elderly male slaves to increase the acceptance level among their younger friends. Sadly, as slaves were treated with great contempt and cruelty in those days, a great many young slaves lost their lives while fighting or protesting against the abusive treatment they received.

The basic idea behind these jokes was to enable these young slaves to develop a tolerance against the jokes concerning their mothers, thus enabling them to withstand and endure the cruelest and provoking remarks.

As humor has a way of seeping into our lives as a source of happiness and joyful emotions, it would be safe to conclude that "Yo Mama jokes gave these slaves a way of ridding their minds of their troubles and duties while enjoying some good time with each other.

To learn more about Jokes please visit http://www.smilejokes.com

Writing 101: Can You Write A Joke?

Can you write a joke? Starting from an existing joke might help. We'll give it a try with five bar jokes. I've condensed these from Aha Jokes.* Here we go!

Existing Bar Joke #1

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking. In self-defense the man says, "Who told you that drinking is bad?"

Nun: Mother Superior told me.

Man: So, have you ever tried it?

Nun: No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor.

Man: Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what; if you try it and don't like it I'll give up drinking for life.

Nun: Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking.

The man goes up to the bartender and says, "Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup." The bartender looked at the man and said, "Is that nun in here again?"

New Bar Joke #1

A nun is bored stiff and she starts drinking the sacramental wine. The priest, who had noticed that wine was disappearing, was getting ready for mass one day when there was no wine at all. He said to the nun, "Those alter boys have been in the wine again. This has to stop. I will put them up for public display during mass. Run out and get some wine!" The nun went out for the wine and as she hustled along the street she said I've got the boys in trouble. I prey Lord, what should I do? A voice said The boys are young and they can take the heat. It was a woman's voice and the nun was confused. Could the Lord speak like a woman, a woman who seemed out of breath? In the liquor store. when she went to pay for the wine. she realized that she had brought no money. She again heard an out-of-breath woman's voice say The Lord will provide. She took the wine without paying and hurried back to the church getting there just in time for the sacrament service. Before she could tell the priest about the woman's voice, the priest whispered to her, "You left without the money. I guess Mother Superior caught up to you."

Existing Bar Joke #2

A shabby drunk asks a priest outside a bar, "What causes arthritis?" The priest hastily answers, "Too much drinking, too many women, and hanging out in bars." Realizing that he might have humiliated the man, he said, "I'm sorry. I hope you didn't take what I said personally." The drunk said, "Not at all. I was referring to the news I saw on the TV in the window of the television store. The pope has arthritis."

New Bar Joke #2

A priest sees a shabbily dressed vagrant limping down the street. He goes up to him and says, "Can I help you?" The old man says, "I've had to get along on my own since the Korean War, dodging bullets, and diving into roadside ditches." The priest said, "Did you get any medals?" The mans said, "I've got a metal plate in my head." The priest took the man to a refuge and told the manager to take good care of the man because he was a Korean War hero. The manager said, "I know this man and his stories. He stays here every night. The only bullets he ever dodged are the ones from Interstate 5 where he gathers aluminum cans to sell to the recycling center."

Existing Bar Joke #3

A bar has a daily visitor born in Ireland. He always has three drinks then leaves. He says that he drinks for himself and his two brothers in Ireland. One day he comes in and has only two drinks. The bartender, thinking a brother had died, asks him why only two drinks and he says, "I gave up drinking."

New Bar Joke #3

An Irishman and a Scotsman are lost in the Sahara. The Irishman says, "I think I can see a bar." The Scotsman says, "We've got plenty of water so don't go running off to a mirage." A while later the Irishman comes staggering back plastered to the gills. The Scotsman said, "My God! You did find a bar." The Irishman said, "No, you were right. It was just a mirage, but I drank anyway."

Existing Bar Joke #4

A man comes into a bar with a dog and the bartender says, "Get that mutt out of here!" The man says, "This is my seeing-eye dog and he can go into public places. The bartender agrees. A second man comes into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first man whispers to him, "You will have to say that is your seeing-eye dog." The second man does so and the bartender says, " A Chihuahua is NOT a seeing-eye dog!" The second man says, "What! They gave me a damned Chihuahua!"

New Bar Joke #4

A man brings a dog and a cat into a bar and orders milk for the cat and red wine for the dog. The bartender says, "We don't serve animals. Get those critters out of here." The man says, "I'll give you a dollar if you will just bring the wine and the milk." The bartender says, "Okay, but then you got to get out." The man gives the milk to the dog and the cat helps the dog lap it up. The man drinks the wine and starts to lleave the bar. The bartender says, "Wait! You owe me $7.50." The man says, "What do you mean. You agreed to one dollar."

Existing Bar Joke #5

A man says to the bartender, "Want to see something different?" The bartender says "yes" and the man takes a small piano out of his pocket, then a mouse who plays the piano. Then he takes a frog out of his pocket. The mouse plays the piano and the frog sings. A patron of the bar says he wants to buy the frog. He offers more and more money until the first man finally sells the frog for $500,000.00. When the buyer left the bar with his new frog the bartender says, "You could have got a million for a frog like that. The man said, "Nah! The mouse is the ventriloquist."

New Bar Joke #5

A man goes into a bar and has a drink. When he starts to leave without paying, the mans says, "Can anyone give me change for a $1000.00 bill?" Everybody look at him as if he were crazy but one old man dressed in a Brooks Brothers suit says, "I can give it to you." The man pays the bartender and walks out of the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, that guy never gave you the $1000 bill and he walked out of here with all that money." The old man said, "Don't worry about it. I work at the bank and I could see the guy is a forger. The $1000.00 bill was a phony." The bartender said, "What about the money--" The old man ran out of the bar yelling, "POLICE!"

Okay, it's your turn to write some jokes!

*http://www.ahajokes.com

copyright©2007 John Taylor Jones, Ph.D.

John T. Jones, Ph.D. (tjbooks@hotmail.com), a retired college professor and business executive, Former editor of an international engineering magazine. To learn more about Wealthy Affiliate University go to his info site. If you desire a flagpole to Fly Old Glory, go to the business site.

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Mistake

Joke of the Day Posted on | October 8, 2010 | No Comments

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist, when early one morning I received a call from his office saying that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I’m sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in “that area” in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said, “My… we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” but I didn’t respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, “Mom… where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it.”

View the original article here

Punchbaby.com

The Internet's favorite webcomic, xkcd, has a pretty amazing graphic up today called the Ultimate Map of Internet Hangouts. It's a reworking of a world map, but instead of countries, there are websites.

The size of these faux country website regions represents the amount of activity surrounds a website and is based on lots of research conducted over the last year. Also, it's really funny! Check it out now, dummy!

Photo courtesy of xkcd

If these two videos of a kitten falling asleep in a tea cup are not the cutest thing you see all day, well... you must live inside a pink cloud made out of candy or something. Naw, even that's not cuter than this little cutie.

Photo courtesy of Buzz Feed

Meet Jacob Isom, a 23-year-old skateboarder from Amarillo, Texas. Notable facts about Jacob -- he has a rat tail. One of his life's ambitions is to appear in High Times magazine. And he's a hero.

Yes, this seemingly burned out 20-something dude is a hero -- because he stopped anti-Muslim protesters from burning a copy of the Quran. And then he appeared in a news report about it and was hilarious. Jacob's words to the anti-muslim protester after he took away his copy of the Quran -- "Dude, you HAVE no Quran!" are, for the moment, burned into the Internet-surfing public's consciousness.

Which is why I'm happy to report there's a "Dude You Have No Quran" Autotune Remix. And it's good. Ohhh, it's good. Sometimes people get 15 minutes of fame for doing something good. That doesn't mean they shouldn't still receive the Autotune treatment. That's just how the Internet works

Photo courtesy of YouTube

SPOILER ALERT! This very cool video, 50 Book Spoilers in 4 Minutes by the Fine Brothers, will spoil the major plot-lines and endings of 50 great novels. Don't watch if you're one of those people who hates having stuff spoiled for you, i.e. EVERYONE!

Photo courtesy of YouTube

View the original article here

You Must Be Joking? Incorporating Humor Into A Speech Or Presentation

Using humor in a speech or presentation can help to add an air of authority to your content because everyone loves to laugh! One of the ways to use humour in a speech is to incorporate a joke that is relevant to your content.

Now, in order for that joke to work you need to edit it down and interpret in your own way. Don't feel that you're not qualified to do this. You are don't worry. As long as you can speak and paraphrase you're going to be fine at editing a joke. I understand that it may be difficult to understand the process of editing a joke, but I'm going to do my best.

The point of this article is not to turn you into a comedian. It's to help you spice up your content with humor so that you can connect with your audience and have them feel confident with your ability as a speaker or presenter.

Firstly, make sure you're on your own. Like... sitting in front of your computer. Okay, take your joke and say it out loud. You will probably stumble over the words because jokes that you find in books or on the internet have extraneous words because they help with the reading of the jokes. But these words aren't necessary for the actual spoken delivery of the line.

Most jokes have a small story element to them and so that's what is included. For example they will contain words like: "One day..." or "...and says". Those are structures that we are used to and that help us when we are reading the joke. But they are not at all helpful when you have to deliver that joke.

So read the joke out loud a few times to familiarize yourself with it. Then put it to one side and repeat it a few more times. Just give yourself a bit of "rehearsal" with it. What will begin to happen slowly is that you'll forget bits of the joke and, as a result, paraphrase the joke into your own words.

You'll naturally make shortcuts. Believe me, this is not a bad thing. This is exactly what you want to happen. As you do this try to cut out the storytelling elements. Try to get straight to the meat of the joke. For instance if the joke begins: "one day a CEO turns to one of his employees and says sternly..." You can edit the joke so that it reads: "A CEO turns to an employee and says..."

You cut the word sternly because you should say what the CEO says to the employee in a stern manner. You don't need to tell your listeners how the CEO is speaking because you pretend to be the CEO. So that's 6 words that have been cut and 1 word that has been added.

It's also better to keep the joke in the present tense. Even if it's happened in the past. You'll say something like "last year..." then the tense will immediately change as if it's happening right now. That street joke has got to unfold in front of your audience like it's happening in the here and now. It makes it more immediate for the listener.

How do you know what will make the joke work? Well, the punchline is pretty important. The set-up is important as well, but that can usually do with a bit of trimming. The punchlines are the bit at the end that gets the laugh. Sorry if I'm stating the obvious for some of you, I just want to make sure we're all on the same page.

I'm going to refer to a joke that I'm sure we all know: "why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side". The punchline in this case is "to get to the other side" so this is important to keep because that's the line that will generate the laugh.

That said, the set up line is also very important because if you just said the line "to get to the other side" you will get a lot of blank stares. So you need: "why did the chicken cross the road?". But what you have to be careful of is to make sure that all the important details are there. The chicken is important as is what the chicken is doing.

Remember that editing and delivering a joke are fused together at the hip. You need to practice the joke out loud again and again so you are familiar with it and it flows naturally.

You should also make sure that you personalize the joke if you can. Don't make it any CEO if you can safely make it your CEO. But obviously you have to be careful that you don't offend anybody and risk losing your job. The best thing to do is to make yourself the butt of your jokes. By laughing at yourself you are more likely to win the audience over to your side.

So to re-cap: Find a joke that is relevant to your theme or topic in a broad way. If you cannot find jokes specifically about the Human Resources Department, maybe there are jokes on a broader scale. Exactly what point are you making about H.R.? That they're really organized? That they're incompetent?

Then you need to say your joke over and over again out loud so that you become familiar with it. By doing this you will naturally edit bits of the joke out that don't work for you because you will forget bits. Next go through the joke with a fine-toothed comb edit out any story elements. Finally, make the joke personal and in the present tense.

Jason a Humorist, Speaker and Consultant based in London, England. He provides empowering speeches, valuable business training and morale-boosting entertainment to businesses, colleges and private functions. Check out Pro Humorist

Dam Dam

An actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.


Mr. Ryan DeVries

2088 Dagget Pierson,

MI 49339

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;

T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;

Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely, David L. Price

District Representative Land and Water

Management Division

This is the actual response sent back -

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;

T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;

Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature’s building materials “debris.”

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is – aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation – so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream “restored” to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers – but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (beavers) and the environment (beavers’ dams.).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.