Shit ...
I've forgotten what it was....
Monday, 31 August 2009
Sunday, 30 August 2009
Virus alert
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. And that!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment... Well darn!
6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished. Oh no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.' and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should 'DELETE.' Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE 'C-NILE VIRUS.'
Hmmm....Have I already posted this?
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. And that!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment... Well darn!
6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished. Oh no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.' and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should 'DELETE.' Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE 'C-NILE VIRUS.'
Hmmm....Have I already posted this?
Saturday, 29 August 2009
Nag, nag, nag
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!
Friday, 28 August 2009
The Catholic Priest
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horse lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse, a long shot, won the race. Before the next race, Mitch watched with interest as the old priest made a blessing on the forehead of another one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on that horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited so see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
Mitch was now pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed that the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the horse.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on that old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as his horse came in last.
Mitch in a state of shock made his way down to the track area and confronted the priest. “Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings—all of it!”
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy said, “Son, that’s the problem with you Protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.”
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited so see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
Mitch was now pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed that the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the horse.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on that old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as his horse came in last.
Mitch in a state of shock made his way down to the track area and confronted the priest. “Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings—all of it!”
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy said, “Son, that’s the problem with you Protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.”
Thursday, 27 August 2009
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/women aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story..
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
According to the Census Bureau:
190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor soul is reading jokes.
You hang in there sunshine!!!!
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story..
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
According to the Census Bureau:
190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor soul is reading jokes.
You hang in there sunshine!!!!
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
A little boy
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
Sunday, 23 August 2009
9 things I hate
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their arses!
5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid £12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement , then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'... If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbarse?
2 People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their arses!
5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid £12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement , then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'... If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbarse?
Saturday, 22 August 2009
Doctors quotes
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St..Thomas's Bath .
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp..
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . ... I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr... Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
KGH London .Dr. wouldn't submit his name!
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St..Thomas's Bath .
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp..
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . ... I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr... Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
KGH London .Dr. wouldn't submit his name!
Thursday, 20 August 2009
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
SGV Tribune
-------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
-------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
-------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
-------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
---------------------- --------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
-------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
--------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
--------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
-------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
--------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
--------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
--------------------------------------------------
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
--------------------------------------------------
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
--------------------------------------------------
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
SGV Tribune
-------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
-------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
-------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
-------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
---------------------- --------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
-------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
--------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
--------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
-------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
--------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
--------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
--------------------------------------------------
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
--------------------------------------------------
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
--------------------------------------------------
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
a farmer
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.
Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.
The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.
Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.
Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.
The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.
The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.
The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.
Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.
The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.
Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.
The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.
"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.
Sunday, 16 August 2009
You've been programming too long when
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
Friday, 14 August 2009
Thursday, 13 August 2009
Letter from Grandma
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love,
Grandma
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love,
Grandma
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Danger
I thought this warning was IMPORTANT, so am passing it on, pass it on to the people you care about, it is important they be aware of this danger.
Never
Never
Never
Ever.....
Fart in a wet suit
Never
Never
Never
Ever.....
Fart in a wet suit
Monday, 10 August 2009
Artificial limb
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Sunday, 9 August 2009
The Less You Know, The More You Make
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.
Saturday, 8 August 2009
My daddy is a solicitor
While two families were waiting in line to see the Brighton Pavilion, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a solicitor."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a solicitor."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
Friday, 7 August 2009
Speeding
A male driver is pulled over by the Police and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 mph speed limit.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 mph speed limit.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Thursday, 6 August 2009
No Knickers
An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, Daphne! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' he demands...
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
He immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee ...her skirt also flies up to show that she is not wearing any knickers either.
'Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Bridget! Where are your knickers?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the allowance you give me.' He reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's £ 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus! Aggie. Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She also explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able taaffarrd any.'
He reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love o' Jaysus 'n the sake of decency...here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a wee bit.
'Good God, Daphne! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' he demands...
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
He immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee ...her skirt also flies up to show that she is not wearing any knickers either.
'Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Bridget! Where are your knickers?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the allowance you give me.' He reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's £ 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus! Aggie. Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She also explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able taaffarrd any.'
He reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love o' Jaysus 'n the sake of decency...here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a wee bit.
Monday, 3 August 2009
An elderly gent
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'..
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old b!tch what her name is!!!"
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'..
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old b!tch what her name is!!!"
Sunday, 2 August 2009
Always Check Homework
This homework was done by little Jenny.
After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration.
It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint.
I work at Budgens and had recently commented to my daughter how much money we made during the recent snowstorm.
This drawing is of me selling a shovel.
Mrs. Harrington.
After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration.
It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint.
I work at Budgens and had recently commented to my daughter how much money we made during the recent snowstorm.
This drawing is of me selling a shovel.
Mrs. Harrington.
Saturday, 1 August 2009
Words for Women to Live By
1. Aspire to be Barbie - that bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every colour.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember wherever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
14. If it has Tyres or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a women realises her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.
'Good friends are like stars.........you don't always see them, but you know they are always there.'
'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'.
2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every colour.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember wherever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
14. If it has Tyres or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a women realises her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.
'Good friends are like stars.........you don't always see them, but you know they are always there.'
'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'.
Crabby old man
When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska , it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Missouri . The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses? ..What do you see?
What are you thinking . .when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, . . Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. With faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food . . And makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . .A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . You're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . As I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . Who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . .with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . A lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . My heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. Have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . To see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, . Babies play ' round my knee,
Again, we know children . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ...I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . .young of their own.
And I think of the years . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . .and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . Look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . Grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone . Where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . My battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . Life over again.
I think of the years . All too few . . Gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . That nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . Open and see.
Not a crabby old man . Look closer . . . . See . . . . . . . . ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within . . . . . We will all, one day, be there, too!
Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Missouri . The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.
Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses? ..What do you see?
What are you thinking . .when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, . . Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. With faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food . . And makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . .A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . You're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . As I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . Who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . .with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . A lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . My heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. Have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . To see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, . Babies play ' round my knee,
Again, we know children . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ...I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . .young of their own.
And I think of the years . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . .and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . Look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . Grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone . Where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . My battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . Life over again.
I think of the years . All too few . . Gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . That nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . Open and see.
Not a crabby old man . Look closer . . . . See . . . . . . . . ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within . . . . . We will all, one day, be there, too!
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