I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twit.
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go "What's my favourite flower?" and you'll murmer "Oh sh**t I wasn't listening... selfraising?".
I saw that show '50 Things To Do Before You Die'. I would have thought the obvious one was shout For Help!!
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork .....
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
A dog goes into a hardware store and says "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?". The dog replies "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Hey you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!".
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
I like to use the technique of self-deprecating humour, but I'm not very good at it.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that..
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