More New Words for 2009....

TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project
failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then
leaves.

ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's
heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to
applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into
when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the
kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY.
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.

ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork
and processes.

404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a
BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at
3am .

BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze, even
though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and
where you've come from.

BRITNEY SPEARS.
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g."Couple of Britney's please"

GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in
a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars
that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of
training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the
outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo!
Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet
after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub
is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up,
whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed
instead.

PEARLHARBOUR.
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor "
out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got
four buttocks

SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person

TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

Better than a 'Flu jab

Miss Smith, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

The centipede

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which
came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place
with me and have a beer?
But there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again,
'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his
face up against the centipede's house and shouting, At the top of his voice,
'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with
me?


YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.......



A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting
my f***ing shoes on!'

Therapy

Susan and her husband, William, went for counseling after 27 years of
marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Susan went into a passionate, painfully
blistering tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 27 years
they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, and so on and so on. An entire
laundry list of unmet needs and slights she had endured over the course of
their marriage, most of which William had forgotten or barely remembered.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Susan to stand,
unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands around her breasts, and
kissed her passionately as husband William watched with a raised eyebrow.

Susan shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down, as though in
a daze.

The therapist turned to William and said, 'This is what your wife needs at
least three times a week. Can you do this?'

William thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here
on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.' Would you mind
picking her up?

A Jazz Chord

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters..
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes... When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...".
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -
" OK smart a*se, you get up here and do it"..

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.............



Scroll down children














"a jazz chord to say , I ruv you...."

Bert's New Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots,
so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'No'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and
walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for
the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday,it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?'

'No', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'You should've bought a hat'

Little Barry

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell his mother what he wanted: 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at
school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he
did.
Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him
why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year,
and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike
for my birthday.

Your friend,

Barry..


Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was
very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to
church.
Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very
sad.. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked
down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to
see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He
slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street,
into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and
sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!

Contract

So, here's the story.. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...








(You're going to hate me for this ... )






'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'
Oh, quit groaning!
I don't write this stuff,
I receive it from my warped friends

Aunt Mildred

Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said,'Your heart would be just below your left breast.'


Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to the knee.

A gynaecologist

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

A good looking man

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood

and said "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway,

He had the right credentials

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name!

The van Lesbian name is centuries old,
I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.

Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his
office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.

The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said.

I decided you were right.

I had to change my name.

I had too much pride to return to your office,
so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without changing
my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Horsing Around

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches, an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England where they are called railways and English migrants built the US railroads. Why did the English build
them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that is the gauge they used. Why did they use that gauge
then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used the same wheel spacing. Why did the
wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the
wheel ruts. So who built those original roads that became rutted?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe and in England for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for
Imperial Rome, they all had the same wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and
bureaucracies live forever. The Imperial Roman war chariots were understandably made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two horses.

Cut to the present... The Space Shuttle, sitting on its launch pad, has two booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid
rocket boosters (SRBs). Thiokol makes the SRBs at its factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs wanted to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs
had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The
SRBs had to fit through this tunnel-which is slightly wider than the railroad track, and remember the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major design feature of the space shuttle, arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined two thousand years ago by a
horse's ass. This is pretty much how most government decisions are made!

Little April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school: she usually slept through class.

One day the teacher tried to catch little April out to see if she was paying attention in class.

She called on her while she was napping: "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, Little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear.

GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"

But April didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very Good,"

And April fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had had their twenty-third child?"

And again Johnny jabbed her with the pen. This time April jumped up and shouted, IF YOU STICK THAT F *****NG THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A**E!"

Politics Explained

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the
United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

Bed Time Story

The sex frog

A blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says:
"Sex Frogs! Only £ 20 each! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog beside you, and the frog will do what he has been trained to do.

She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, nothing happens. The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So the blonde calls the pet shop.

The man says,"I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.

The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly: "Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Edinbugh Fringe funnies

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twit.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go "What's my favourite flower?" and you'll murmer "Oh sh**t I wasn't listening... self­raising?".

I saw that show '50 Things To Do Before You Die'. I would have thought the obvious one was shout For Help!!

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork .....

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?". The dog replies "What would the circus want with a plumber".

Hey you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!".

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

I like to use the technique of self-deprecating humour, but I'm not very good at it.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that..

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'




She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'

Happy 50th, Barbie

Well, it happens to us all at some stage!

The telephone call

The father's teephone call:


Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,


'Hello?'


'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?'


'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'


After a brief pause,Daddy says,


'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'


'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now..'


Brief Pause.


'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'


'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'


A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.


'I did it, Daddy.'


'And what happened, honey?'


'Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.


Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'


'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'


'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.


He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.


He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'


Long Pause



Longer Pause



Even Longer Pause



Then Daddy says:




'Swimming pool? ............




Is this 486-5731?'

Cheltenham races

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ....

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request ???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse","But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request ???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent..

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!!

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

I SAID ..."BRING POSSE"

A firm with a sense of humour

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:



Dear Sir,


Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:



Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.



The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:



Dear Sir,


Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.


We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar*e and go as a toffee apple.

School

This is the actual answering machine message for the Maroochydore High School Queensland which staff voted unanimously to record . This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

Speed isn't everything

How Fights Start

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....

*********************************************************************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

======================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

====================================================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a petrol station...
And then the fight started...

====================================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend...
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

===========================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

============================================================

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

BLONDE POLE DANCER

I tried not to send this to anyone it might offend.



Beautiful Blonde Pole Dancer



If you should find it too offensive, please leave this site now!



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