Mental Hospital Phone Menu

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

1. It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

2. Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

4. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

5. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

6. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

7 If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

8. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

11. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

12. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

14. Never, ever, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

15. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

May you never forget what is worth remembering, or remember what is best forgotten.