More New Words for 2009....

TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project
failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then
leaves.

ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's
heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to
applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into
when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the
kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY.
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.

ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork
and processes.

404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a
BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at
3am .

BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze, even
though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and
where you've come from.

BRITNEY SPEARS.
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g."Couple of Britney's please"

GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in
a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars
that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of
training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the
outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo!
Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet
after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub
is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up,
whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed
instead.

PEARLHARBOUR.
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor "
out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got
four buttocks

SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person

TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

Better than a 'Flu jab

Miss Smith, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

The centipede

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which
came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place
with me and have a beer?
But there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again,
'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his
face up against the centipede's house and shouting, At the top of his voice,
'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with
me?


YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.......



A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting
my f***ing shoes on!'

Therapy

Susan and her husband, William, went for counseling after 27 years of
marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Susan went into a passionate, painfully
blistering tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 27 years
they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, and so on and so on. An entire
laundry list of unmet needs and slights she had endured over the course of
their marriage, most of which William had forgotten or barely remembered.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Susan to stand,
unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands around her breasts, and
kissed her passionately as husband William watched with a raised eyebrow.

Susan shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down, as though in
a daze.

The therapist turned to William and said, 'This is what your wife needs at
least three times a week. Can you do this?'

William thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here
on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.' Would you mind
picking her up?

A Jazz Chord

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters..
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes... When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...".
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -
" OK smart a*se, you get up here and do it"..

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.............



Scroll down children














"a jazz chord to say , I ruv you...."

Bert's New Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots,
so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'No'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and
walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for
the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday,it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?'

'No', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'You should've bought a hat'

Little Barry

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell his mother what he wanted: 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at
school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he
did.
Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him
why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year,
and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike
for my birthday.

Your friend,

Barry..


Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was
very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to
church.
Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very
sad.. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked
down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to
see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He
slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street,
into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and
sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!