Two Yuppettes

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,

“Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”

“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.

“Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.”

Raw Materials

In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said,

“Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”

Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.”

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche”

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”

The teacher said, “Adam, why silicon?”

“Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!!”

Sleeping

I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

The dog

My dog used to chase people on a bike all the time. 
It got so bad, in the end I took his his bike away

Eyebrows

I advised my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows too high. 
She appeared surprised.

drug dealer.

I bought some trainers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Bank

I was at the bank today and this senior citizen asked me to check his balance.
Not wishing to be rude, I obliged and pushed him over.