Autocorrect

The man who invented autocorrect has passed away.
May he roast in piss

Tight Ass

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest. The grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut.

He approached the Father to ask for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.

The boy said “Thank you, virgin Father!”

The priest replied, “What did you say?”

The boy repeated, “Thank you, virgin Father!”

The priest asked him, “Do you know what that means?”

The boy replied, “Yes…. tight ass!”....

Orgasm

Husband asks wife why she doesn't tell him when she has an orgasm.
She replied.
"Because you told me not to ring you at work"!

Clocks changing

It's a crime when the clocks go back in the Autumn.
It's daylight robbery!

Seizures

“My dog has seizures and in an effort to try to determine what caused them, he went in for a cat scan. When we brought him home, his head was completely shaved and he had dark blue permanent marker dots to indicate where to inject the lidocaine for his procedure.
The following morning when I got up, my dog’s head was now also covered in bright green marker lines… I asked my daughter, who was about 4 or 5 at the time, what happened.. and with the biggest, proudest grin on her face she informed me that she connected Gus’s dots….
She sure did and we were very sorry to see the hair grow back eventually!”

Raw Materials

In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said,

“Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”

Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.”

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche”

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”

The teacher said, “Adam, why silicon?”

“Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!!”

The Kids Today

“My 4 year old grandson and I were watching Barney on TV one afternoon. I commented that my grandfather’s name was Barney. He turned to me and said, ” Was he purple too.”