Job interview

Interviewer: What do you think is your greatest weakness.

Job seeker: Honesty

Interviewer: I don't think that's a weakness.

Job seeker: I don't give a shit what you think

The Pub

Mr. Grab your coat, I'm off to the pub.

Mrs. Oh, am I coming.

Mr.  No, I'm turning the heating off.

Seizures

“My dog has seizures and in an effort to try to determine what caused them, he went in for a cat scan. When we brought him home, his head was completely shaved and he had dark blue permanent marker dots to indicate where to inject the lidocaine for his procedure. The following morning when I got up, my dog’s head was now also covered in bright green marker lines… I asked my daughter who was about 4 or 5 at the time what happened.. and with the biggest, proudest grin on her face she informed me that she connected gus’s dots…. yup she sure did and we were very sorry to see the hair grow back eventually!”

The Kids Today

“My 4 year old grandson and I were watching Barney on TV one afternoon.
I commented that my grandfather’s name was Barney.
 He turned to me and said, ” Was he purple too.”

Two Yuppettes

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,

“Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”

“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.

“Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.”

Raw Materials

In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said,

“Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”

Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.”

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche”

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”

The teacher said, “Adam, why silicon?”

“Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!!”

Sleeping

I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

The dog

My dog used to chase people on a bike all the time. 
It got so bad, in the end I took his his bike away

Eyebrows

I advised my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows too high. 
She appeared surprised.

drug dealer.

I bought some trainers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Bank

I was at the bank today and this senior citizen asked me to check his balance.
Not wishing to be rude, I obliged and pushed him over.

Autocorrect

The man who invented autocorrect has passed away.
May he roast in piss

Tight Ass

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest. The grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut.

He approached the Father to ask for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.

The boy said “Thank you, virgin Father!”

The priest replied, “What did you say?”

The boy repeated, “Thank you, virgin Father!”

The priest asked him, “Do you know what that means?”

The boy replied, “Yes…. tight ass!”....

Orgasm

Husband asks wife why she doesn't tell him when she has an orgasm.
She replied.
"Because you told me not to ring you at work"!

Clocks changing

It's a crime when the clocks go back in the Autumn.
It's daylight robbery!

Seizures

“My dog has seizures and in an effort to try to determine what caused them, he went in for a cat scan. When we brought him home, his head was completely shaved and he had dark blue permanent marker dots to indicate where to inject the lidocaine for his procedure.
The following morning when I got up, my dog’s head was now also covered in bright green marker lines… I asked my daughter, who was about 4 or 5 at the time, what happened.. and with the biggest, proudest grin on her face she informed me that she connected Gus’s dots….
She sure did and we were very sorry to see the hair grow back eventually!”

Raw Materials

In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said,

“Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”

Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.”

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche”

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”

The teacher said, “Adam, why silicon?”

“Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!!”

The Kids Today

“My 4 year old grandson and I were watching Barney on TV one afternoon. I commented that my grandfather’s name was Barney. He turned to me and said, ” Was he purple too.”

Gardening

The Italian Tomato Garden

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

Arguments

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1.. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do


Can I get an AMEN!!

Drugs have two names

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: 'MOUNT & DO'.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely NO recollection of what to do with them.