Nuke Loaded Missile

During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile, Soviet Satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 45 seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way.

Recent studies commissioned by US department of Defense included one on nuclear war between India and Pakistan :

This was the scenario….

The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India .

They don’t need any permission from their government, and promptly order the countdowns.

Indian technology is highly advanced.

In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution.

But they need permission from the Government of India.

They submit their request to the Indian President.

The President forwards it to the Cabinet.

The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session.

The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it gets adjourned indefinitely.

The President asks for a quick decision.

In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical failure.

Their attempts for a re-launch are still on.

Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party that was giving outside support withdraws it.

The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week.

As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed.

The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear missile.

But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government cannot take such a decision because elections are at hand.

The Election Commission files Public Interest Litigation in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power.

The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing the nation.

Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367 miles away from the target, on its own government building in Islamabad at 11.00AM.

Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early.

In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in flight.

The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and USA .

The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting.

This time all the parties agree.

Its three months since the army had sought permission.

But as preparations begin, “pro-humanity” , “anti-nuclear” activists come out against the Government’s decision.

Human chains are formed and ‘Rasta rokos’ organized.

In California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning the government and mentioning

“Please forward it to as many Indians as possible”.

On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning.

Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over Rajasthan.

Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes.

A missile (smuggled from USA ) is pressed into service.

Since the Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it hits it original destination: Russia.

Russians successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad .

The missile hits the target and creates havoc.

Pakistan cries for help.

India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits.

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More – Kids On Love And Marriage

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 9, 2011 | No Comments

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

“Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.”
(Judy, age

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife!”
(Tom, age 5)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.”
(Jim, age 10)

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.”
(Kelly, age 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!”
(Lynette, age 9)

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.”
(Kenny, age 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.”
(Jan, age 9)

“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.”
(Harlen, age

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.”
(Roger, age 9)

“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.”
(Leo, age 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS ON LOVE:

“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.”
(Jeanne, age

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.”
(Gary, age 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.”
(Dave, age

View the original article here

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Not a Quitter

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application.

The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”

“Yes” says the man.

“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”

“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application. “At least I’m not a quitter.”

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Nothing To Do With You

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, “Would you mind not doing that? It’s disgusting to watch.”.

“Listen, love.” He replied, “It’s got nothing to do with you, I’ve paid my fare for this journey and I’ll do what I damn well want on this train.” He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, “Could you stop that noise, can’t you see I’m trying to sleep?”

“It’s got nothing to do with you,” replies the old woman, “I’ve paid my fare and I’ll do what I want on this train.”

At that, the man grabbed the woman’s knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, “Ha ha, you’ll get fined $200 for that!”

To which the old woman replied, “And you’ll get six years when the police smell your fingers”.

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One Arm Mother

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.

“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.

“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”

“No sir, our mother.”

“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!”

“I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”

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One Parachute

In a plane that’s about to crash, there are three passengers: the wisest man on earth, a student, and a politician.

When they find out that the plane is about to go down and there is only one parachute between the three of them they debate about who would sacrifice his life for the country and who will jump to safety.

The politician says he’s responsible for running the country, so of course, he should be the one to jump.

The wise man says he’s got to serve mankind, so he should be the one who jumps.

The student says he is the future, and he should be the recipient of the parachute.

As the kid speaks, the wise man grabs the bag and leaps wildly out of the plane.

The politician is astounded, but the student remains calm.

“Why are you so calm? We’re both about to die!” exclaims the politician.

The student replies, “Well wisdom just leapt out with my school bag, so the future can hang on to politics and feel safe.”

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Off The Cliff

Two men are standing at the top of a cliff. One has two budgies, one on each shoulder. The other has a parrot and a shotgun.

The first guy jumps off the cliff and on the way down the birds fly away. He crashes on the rocks below and rolls over on his back. He looks up just in time to see his friend jump off too.

As the second guy falls the & parrot flies off, he pulls up his shot gun and shoots the bird just before he too crashes onto the rocks.

They lie there groaning in agony for a bit before the first guy says, “I really don’t see what is supposed to be so great about budgie jumping!”

The second guy lets out a groan and says, “I’m really not too impressed with free-fall parrot shooting either!”

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Parrot

A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to a vet for advice.

The vet tells him that the parrot’s beak is too long which is preventing him from speaking. He says that he can file it down for $100.

The parrot’s owner thought that was rather expensive and wondered aloud if he could just file it down himself.

The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure and must be done by a trained professional. If he does not file enough, the bird still wont be able to talk, but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water.

The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot.

Several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is looking rather down. He inquires about the parrot and the man replies that his parrot is dead.

“Did you try to file his beak down yourself?” asked the vet.

The man nods his head.

“And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?”

“No,” replied the parrot’s owner, “he was dead when I took his head out of the vise.”

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Physics Question

Sir Ernest Rutherford, President of the Royal Academy, and recipient of the Nobel Prize in Physics, related the following story:

“Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected. I read the examination question:

“Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.”

The student had answered: “Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building.”

The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly! On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course and certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this.

I suggested that the student have another try. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he hadn’t written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on. In the next minute, he dashed off his answer, which read:

“Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building.”

At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit. While leaving my colleague’s office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.

“Well,” said the student, “there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building.”

“Fine,” I said, “and others?”

“Yes,” said the student, “there is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units. A very direct method.

“Of course.”

“If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g [gravity! at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated.” “On this same tack, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession”. Finally,” he concluded, “there are many other ways of solving the problem.

Probably the best,” he said, “is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent’s door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: ‘Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer.’”

At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think.

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Pills

A rancher needs to buy a bull to service his cows but has to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased:

“The bull serviced all my cows twice, broke through the fence, and serviced all my neighbor’s cows three times.”

“Wow,” says the banker, “What did the vet do to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

“What kind of pills?” asked the banker.

“I don’t know,” says the farmer, “but they sort of taste like chocolate.”

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Pathan Not Pay

A bus driver on a stop picked up a Pathan passenger who would not drop the bus fare. He asked this hulky, tall, red eyed, turban wearing, sulky looking Pathan to pay. Pathan replied, “Pathan not pay.” and sat down on an available seat.

The driver felt offended. It kept on happening everyday since then. The driver decided to face him. He took expensive karate lessons, wrestling lessons, boxing lessons, kung-fu lessons, finally graduated unbeatable.

Pathan came to bus this time, he asked Pathan to pay the bus fare. The Pathan replied same “Pathan not pay.”

The driver started swinging punches in the air, warned the consequences of not paying and demanded he pays now.

With a surprised fearful look on his face, Pathan tumbled and replied, “Me, old Pathan not pay, free senior buspass.”

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Priest Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”…

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our Parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

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Princess On Curse

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Due to a curse placed on her by an old witch, everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic; anything she touched would melt!

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, the curse will be broken and she will be cured.” The king was overjoyed.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, the hardest substance in the world. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.”

The princess did as she was told.

She felt something hard. Though she turned red, she held it in her hand. And it did not melt! The king was overjoyed.

Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was the object in the prince’s pants?

(Scroll down for the answer.)
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They were M&M’s, of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

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Pregnant

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant. The doctor says, “I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?” The girl thought and then asked, “Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?”

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Railway Company

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur.
Station Master : No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

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Mother-in-Law

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 18, 2010 | No Comments

John was in a bar looking very dejected.

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s my mother-in-law,” John replied, while shaking his head sadly. “I have a real problem with her.”

“Cheer up,” Steve said. “Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law.”

“Yeah,” John answered. “But I got mine pregnant.”

View the original article here

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No More Problem

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, “I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?”

No more problem.

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New Language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, his will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the”k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!

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Noah’s Ark

“Listen up!” Noah said in a demanding voice. “There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males, take off your peckers and hand it to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your peckers back.”

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife’s cage and was very excited.

“Quick!” he said. “Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!”

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window.

“Sorry, no land yet.”

“Shit!” and out went Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day for a week until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.

“What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?”

“Look!” said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of, paper, “I got the donkey’s receipt!!”

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Two Yuppettes

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,

“Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”

“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.

“Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.”

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Tight Ass

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest. The grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut.

He approached the Father to ask for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.

The boy said “Thank you, virgin Father!”

The priest replied, “What did you say?”

The boy repeated, “Thank you, virgin Father!”

The priest asked him, “Do you know what that means?”

The boy replied, “Yes…. tight ass!”

Rectum Deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don’t sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

“I’m sorry”, says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”

“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

“Do you have the container it comes in?” asks the pharmacist

“YES!”, said the blonde, “I’ll go home and get it.”

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

“This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,

“TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.”

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Report Cards

Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When tour daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t here.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is gone.

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Sardarji’s Mom’s Letter

Dear Banta

Vahe Guru !

I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I’m writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.

I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to bring our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I’m not sure it works. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.

The weather here isn’t too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club’s poolside. The manager is really badmash. He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in this club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don’t know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father’s last wishes. His father had wished to be buried at sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn’t much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

P.S: Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter .

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Relieve

Tim and Nancy lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. Their house was literally right downtown. But they had no indoor plumbing. They did, however, have an outhouse. The older Tim got, though, the further away it seemed to get.

One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch.

Nancy was pretty pissed about his decision. “Tim, you moron. Our neighbors can see you when you do that, you know.”

“It’s dark out” said Tim, “they can’t see me”

“Of course they can” explained Nancy, “you’re silhouetted against the porch light and they can tell what you’re doing”

He’d not given it THAT much thought, so he promised his wife he’d not do it again.

Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business.

He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, “You weren’t gone very long.”

“That’s right.”

“You went off the porch again, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I did.”

“We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbors can see you. They’ll know it was you and what you were doing out there. Aren’t you the least bit embarrassed?”

“Naw, they won’t know it’s me! This time I was squatting down!”

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Relaxing

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America .
A lady came and asked him, ” Are you relaxing?”
Singh answered, “No, I am Banta Singh”.

Another guy came and asked the him the same question.
Singh answered, “No No Me Banta Singh!”
Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun.

He went up to him and asked, “Are you Relaxing?”

The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered,”Yes, I am relaxing.”
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, “Stupid, idiot.
Everyone is looking for you and your are sitting over here!”

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Sharing a Bed

Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night. They approach the clerk, and Santa says, “Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?”

“You mean a room with two beds?” asks the clerk.

“Whatever, whatever you shay.”

So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.

“Ahh,” says Santa, “Now we can get some sleep at last.”

As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.

“Hey! There’s somebody in my bed!” says Banta.

“There’s somebody in my bed too!” says Santa.

“Let’s get rid of them. We paid for this room and we’re going to sleep in the beds!” says Banta.

They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.

“ALL RIGHT!!” Santa shouts, “I’ve thrown mine off the bed.”

“You’re lucky,” says Banta, “I got thrown off and I’m too tired to fight any more.”

“Well, never mind,” says Santa, “Why don’t you just come and share my bed. Let’s get some sleep round here.”

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Sex Therapist

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

“Isn’t there some way to judge the size of a man’s equipment from the outside?” she asked earnestly.

“The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet,” counselled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read,

“With my compliments. Take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you.”

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Shipwrecked

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn’t even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks, “Finally! I’m going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they’re going to give me some clothes and I’m going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She’ll start to take off her clothes and she’ll be wearing red silk panties!”

At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, “Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!”

Self-examination of the Breast and Testicles

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 24, 2011 | No Comments

A medical professor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast and testicles. A female student asked another male student,

“Do you ever get an erection when you do a self-examination of your testicles?”

“Sometimes, yes” replied the male student.

“What do you do about it?” She then asked.

“Nothing, why?”

She thought for a while then said, “You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?”

“Err, no” he replied

“You mean a man’s penis will go down without having an orgasm?”

“Of course”

“I’m going to kill my husband!”

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Smoking Dope

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”

“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew 2 circles like this – O o …and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, (to the 2nd boy) how did you do?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!”

“Well, I used a similar approach. (draws 2 circles)… I said (pointing to the small circle) “this is your asshole before prison . . .”

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The New Priest

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first time, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.”

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see,’ ‘yes, go on,’ and ‘I understand.’ ‘How did you feel about that?’”

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘No shit?!? What happened next?’”

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Snores

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. She goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog’s testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.

Later that night her husband comes home drunk after being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to do his business, and as he stands in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog’s scrotum.

He looks at the dog and says, “Rex old fella, I don’t remember what the hell happened last night, but wherever we were, we took first and second place.

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Spelling Mistake

One spelling mistake can destroy your life!

A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add ‘e’ at the end of a word…

“I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..!”

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Sports Commentator’s Quotes

“And here’s Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago.” (David Coleman)

“Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs” (David Coleman)

“We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite.” (Murray Walker)

After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: “We didn’t underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.” (Bobby Robson)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: “It was like being in a foreign country.” (Ian Rush)

Jimmy Hill: “Don’t sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?
Terry Venables: “I think it’s 50-50.”

“I was in a no-win situation, so I’m glad that I won rather than lost.” (Frank Bruno)

“There’s going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes.” (David Coleman)

“There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people.” (David Coleman)

“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.” (Murray Walker)

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” (Greg Norman)

“There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious.” (Alan Minter)

“Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running.” (Ron Pickering)

“Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers.” (Murray Walker)

“A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin.” (Jo Sheldon)

“That’s inches away from being millimetre perfect.” (Ted Lowe)

“I’ll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right.” (Marlon Starling)

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” (Terry Venables)

“I can’t tell who’s leading. It’s either Oxford or Cambridge.” (John Snagge – Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge)

“The Queen’s Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round.” (Tony Crozier)

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Something Christmas

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 27, 2010 | No Comments

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something “Christmassy.” in order to get in.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family’s Christmas tree. He is let it.

The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”

To which he replies, “Oh, They’re Carol’s.”

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Something in Your Hand?

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.

“What happened to you? asks Sean the bartender.

“Jamie O Conner and me had a fight.” says Paddy.

“That little shit, O Conner ” says Sean “He couldn’t do that to you, he must of had something in his hand.”

“That he did. says Paddy ”a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licken he gave me with it”

“Well” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”

”That I did” said Paddy…”Mrs. O Conner’s Chest, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”

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STEVE’S A JERK

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve. He would complain about everything. That day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.

The minister asked ”Why are you shaking your head yes for men and no for women?”

Her response was, ”The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, ‘Yes, I’ll be alright.’ When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale . . . “

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Superstitions

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for Superstitions.

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STEEPLE CHASTE

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 5, 2011 | No Comments

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.

“Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle,” the priest said. “Tell me where is this man now?”

“Flat on his ass over by the holy water,” said the boy.

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Thanksgiving

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 2, 2010 | No Comments

“One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
“Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep……………..SHE’S BLONDE!”

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Ten Years Ago

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 2, 2011 | 1 Comment

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part… you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

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The Argument

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 17, 2010 | No Comments

Abe, David and Bernard were not only best of friends but also the top doctors in the neighbourhood. One day, they were out walking in Golders Green when they saw this little old Jewish man walking rather strangely. He`s hunched over on one side, he’s dragging his right leg and he has his left hand on his lower back.

Abe says, “It`s peritonitis.”

David says, “It`s an orthopaedic problem, with flat arches and a touch of chondromalacia patellae.”
Bernard says, “It`s a nerve irritation at the level of L5.”

They argue a bit and then decide to go over and ask the old man what his problem is. So they do just that.

The man replies, “Nein. ICH HOB GEVOLT GEBBEN A FURZT HOB ICH INGEMACHT IN DER HOYSEN”
(You`re all wrong. I thought I was about to fart when I made in my pants instead)

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