Bad Jokes

One of the Parachute

2012-02-03T05:06:00.000Z

On a plane, which is about to crash, with three passengers: land, wisest man, student and politician.

When they find out that the level is go down, and between the three of them have only one parachute they debate that sacrifice his life in the country, and who go to safety.

Politician says he is responsible for running the country, so of course he should be the one to go to.

Of wise men on the man says, he is now serve mankind, so he should be the same as the punaturkki.

The student says he is in the future, and he should be the recipient of the parachute.

Speaks of a child, the wise man grabs out of the bag and remote region of wildly away.

Politician is astounded, but the student remains calm.

"Why are you so calm? We are both about to die! "exclaims politician.

Student answers, "soon the wisdom of the just leapt with my school bag, the future can hang with the politics and feel safe."

On the wrong side of the bed

2012-02-02T16:12:00.000Z

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 19. January 2011 | There are no comments

The young priest receives the morning breakfast and moves. On his way to two nuns to find him, and he says, "good morning sisters".

They sing a song, "you got the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This stuns the priest, who thought he was very polite, but he just goes. He finds his brother a little while later, and he says, "good morning brother."

Brother replies to sing the song, the voice of "you got the wrong side of the bed this morning."

The priest was very confused by this and goes. He gets a little farther away, and he becomes a priest and the entire yourself, he says, "good morning father."

The priest replied to sing the song, "you got the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Now the priest was crazy. He will continue his walk, saying no one word in the dinning hall. Bishop sees him and says, "the father …"

The young priest was going to take any more, even though the Bishop. He searches for the Bishop and says, "does not get on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Bishop looks at him stunned and says "what?"

The priest realized his mistake and said, "I'm sorry, that Holiness, what is it you wanted".

Let him review and says, "all that was going to do was to ask why you had a sister Ann shoes?"

View the original article here

Petroleum jelly

2012-02-02T00:24:00.000Z

Find the pay phone someone's House nearby. Make sure that you will be able to see the residence of the phone. Put the Vaseline to the ear and the mouthpiece. Apartments to go and call on the phone. Someone walking by to pick up and put it in their adoption; When this occurs, they feel, they head for the Vaseline.See their expression and enjoy. ”

Pilots’ Wisdom

2012-02-01T09:04:00.001Z

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.

4. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.

24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.

25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

Republican or Democrat?

2012-01-29T04:42:00.000Z

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 7, 2012 | No Comments

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a (political party).” “I am,”replied the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a (political party).” “I am,”replied the balloonist. “How did you know?” “Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”

View the original article here

Problem with a Dog

2012-01-28T15:41:00.000Z

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.

Police Quotes

2012-01-28T02:47:00.000Z

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?

Pregnant

2012-01-27T10:59:00.001Z

A very popular girl that went to her doctor and said that she was pregnant. The doctor says, "I know that you're not married! Do you know who the father is this, baby? " The idea, and then asked the girl, "Doc,"? " If the ate can Baked Beans, you know what the bean made you fart

The Church Gossip

2012-01-25T15:39:00.000Z

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 2, 2012 | No Comments

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, in accusing new-member George after she saw his pickup truck parked all afternoon in front of the town’s only bar. Said Sarah, “Everyone seeing it there would just know that he was an alcoholic!”

George, a taciturn sort, stared at her for a moment before simply walking away, saying nothing.

Later that evening, George parked his pickup in front of Sarah’s house.

And proceeded to leave it there all night.

View the original article here

Pathan is toll-free in the United States and Canada

2012-01-24T22:35:00.000Z

Pathan passenger, who drop being picked up by bus stop of the bus driver. He requested this hulky, high, red, music, Turban, the use of search Pathan to pay the sulky. Pathan replied, "Pathan and pay." and available on the seat of the sat.

The driver felt offended. After this, it shall be treated as if it happens everyday. Driver decided to face him. He took the karate lessons, wrestling for expensive lessons, Boxing lessons, kung-fu lessons, finally graduated from an unbeatable.

Pathan became a bus this time he asked Pathan to pay the price of the bus. Pathan responded to the same "Pathan does not pay."

The driver started swinging in the air will be warned of the consequences of terrorist acts, and claimed that he is not paying pay now.

Surprised to see his face daunting Pathan fell and replied, "we do not pay, the old Pathan, free senior buspass."

PEARL THE ISSUE

2012-01-24T09:41:00.000Z

When he woke up, the woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means? "

"You know tonight.", he said.

Every evening, a man came home with a small package, and gave his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled – "of Dreams"
When he woke up, the woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means? "

"You know tonight.", he said.

Every evening, a man came home with a small package, and gave his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled – "of Dreams"

The 1950s Home

2012-01-23T18:21:00.001Z

A lot has changed in 50 years…

The following is from a 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls: “How to prepare for married life.”

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Skeleton In The Closet

2012-01-22T22:31:00.000Z

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 4, 2012 | No Comments

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, “We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.”

The police said, “It’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.”

“Well, who was it?”

“The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

View the original article here

RANDOM FRIDAYS

2012-01-22T09:30:00.000Z

The memo and the No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting a casual day on Fridays, so that employees can submit their diversity.

The memo and the No. 2:
Girls spandex and leather micro-make fashion statements: miniskirts are not appropriate attire casual day. And string ties, or belt buckles rodeo.

The Memo No. 3:
Random day refers to the dress, not only attitude. The design of the Friday's wardrobe, remember the picture is the key to the success of the us.

The Memo No. 4:
Casual dress for the day of the seminar to be held from Friday in the Café. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

The Memo No. 5:
As Friday's seminar, the tumor has been designated by the Committee, the Committee on 14-day Task Force members, casual to prepare guidelines for the proper dress.

The Memo No. 6:
Random day of the Task Force has completed the 30-page manual. "Relaxing the dress without Relaxing the company standards" copy is mailed to each employee. Check the "do you have what you can use the" read and hear the "Home" business casual "or" casual "checklist before submitting work every Friday of the cages. If you have any doubts about the appropriateness of an item of apparel, please contact your representative before Friday at CDTF 7-18.

The Memo No. 7:
The lack of participation in the casual day has been terminated, effective immediately.

Railway Company

2012-01-21T20:36:00.000Z

Lady: this is my train?
The drive Master: no, it is the responsibility of the Railway Company.
Lady: do not try to be funny. I mean ask if I take this train in the direction of Kuala Lumpur.
The drive Master: n: O Madam, I am afraid is too heavy.

Raw materials

2012-01-21T04:48:00.000Z

After graduating from high school, one day, the teacher that he decided to teach the science class about raw materials. He stood in front of the class and said,

"Children, if one of the raw material may be established under the auspices of the world, what it should be?"

Little Stevie raised his hands and said, "the use of gold, because gold is a lot of money and can buy a Corvette."

Nyökkäsi and urged that steps be taken to a little Susie teacher. Little Susie said, "would like Platinum because of Platinum is more than gold, and Porsche can buy"

Teacher smiled and then invite Little Adam. A little bit of Adam was and said, "would like to have a Silicon."

A teacher said, "Adam, why Silicon?"

"Because my mom has two bags and parked outside our House sports cars should appear!"

Pure's wife

2012-01-20T13:28:00.000Z

Posted a day in the life of a joke | April 25, 2011 | There are no comments

Was the man who wanted to clean the wife. So he started to attend church to find a suitable woman. He met with the gal, who seemed Nice, so he took him home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks, "what is this?"

He is responsible for the "cock."

He decides that he is obviously not sufficiently clean.

A couple of weeks later, he meets another gal, and is soon to be his home. Again he pulls off his manhood and ask the question.

He is responsible for the "Cock".

He is pissed because he showed more of a pure first but may very well.

A couple of weeks later, he meets the gal, which shows the actual clean. He did not go home to him for a long time, but eventually he gets him to his house. He whips it and asks, "what is this?"

She giggles and says "the cat-cat" he thinks he may require, that he finally found his woman.

They get married, but after several months, whenever he sees her he giggles and says, "that is a cat-a cat." He eventually breaks down and says "see, this is not a cat-a cat, it is a cock."

He is, and says, "no it's not stupid, the male is 12 cm long and black."

View the original article here

What Their Daddy’s Do

2012-01-17T09:04:00.000Z

Joke of the Day Posted on | January 9, 2012 | No Comments

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy’s do.

Little Mary went first,

“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people’s lives”

“That’s wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”

View the original article here

Skeleton In The Closet

2012-01-16T16:00:00.000Z

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”

The police said, “It’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.”

“Well, who was it?”

“The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

Republican or Democrat?

2012-01-16T03:06:00.000Z

What Their Daddy’s Do

2012-01-15T11:18:00.000Z

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy’s do.

Little Mary went first,

“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people’s lives”

“That’s wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”

The Church Gossip

2012-01-14T19:58:00.000Z

George, a taciturn sort, stared at her for a moment before simply walking away, saying nothing.

Later that evening, George parked his pickup in front of Sarah’s house.

And proceeded to leave it there all night.

Frozen Turkeys

2012-01-14T02:54:00.000Z

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

Collectibles

2012-01-13T13:53:00.000Z

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 8, 2011 | No Comments

Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their pets.

One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up and put them back on the shelf. The next week the same thing happened.

That afternoon my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase.

“Tippy,” she asked the dog, “how do your bones keep getting up there?”

View the original article here

Recognises The

2012-01-13T00:59:00.000Z

There was once a young woman, who went to confession. Upon confessional, he said, "forgive me father, for I have sinned."

The priest, said, "in recognition of your sins and forgiven."

The young woman said, "the last night of my boyfriend made mad passionate love me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "the Squeeze and drink a glass of seven lemons, then the juice."

The young woman asked, "is this cleanse my transgressions: and my SIN?"

The priest said, "No, but it will Wipe that smile off your face,". "

Rectum deodorant

2012-01-12T09:11:00.000Z

A blonde walks in a pharmacy and ask the Assistant for some of the rectum of deodorant.

As a pharmacist in a slightly bemused, explains to the woman, they do not sell to the rectum of deodorant and ever.

Unfazed, blonde hot he has been a pharmacist that the purchases from this site on a regular basis and you would like to Add a bit of stuff.

"I'm sorry," says a pharmacist, "" we have nothing. "

"But always it here," says a blonde.

"You have it will tank?" ask the pharmacist

"Yes!", said the blonde, "" I go home and get it. "

He returns to the store and with the hands of a pharmacist, who will review it and tells him,

"This is just a normal flash drive hihojen deodorant."

Angry, the pale back and snatches the container store, reads aloud

"PUSH DOWN UNTIL THE APPLY."

Report cards

2012-01-11T17:51:00.001Z

Actual NYC teachers on their report cards for their final narration, annotations. All the teachers were reprimanded!

1. in my last report, after your child has its lowest point, and has begun to dig in.
2. does not allow this student spawned.
3. your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. your child has a choice in the village idiot.
5. my son, set low standards and consistently fails to achieve them.
6. the Student is "fully six pack", but it is missing documents in the possession of the plastic together.
7. this child has been arrested too.
8. when the tour is a subsidiary of IQ reaches 50, he would be sold.
9. Ports are down, the lights are blinking, but the train is not here.
10. If the student no longer stupid, he is kasteltava twice a week.
11. it is impossible to believe, the sperm, which created this child to beat off the other million.
12. a bicycle is coming, but the Hamster is gone.

Police Quotes

2012-01-03T06:24:00.000Z

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 14, 2011 | No Comments

“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”

“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?

View the original article here

Release

2012-01-02T17:30:00.000Z

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 4. February 2011 | There are no comments

Tim and Nancy lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right in the heart of Downtown. Their house was literally right in the heart of downtown. But they had no indoor plumbing. They had, however, available. The parents of Tim got even further, it seemed to get off.

One night, he decided to skip only to travel. Instead, he decided to relieve himself in front of the porch just right.

Nancy was pretty pissed about its decision. "Tim, you moron. Our neighbors will see when you do, you know. "

"It's dark out," said, "they don't see me" Tim

"Of course they can," explained Nancy, "on the porch light silhouetted against you, and they tell me, what do you do"

He should not take into account the fact that a lot of thought, so he promised his wife, he does not render it again.

Too many nights later, even though it is connected to the Most cold. Right in the middle of the night, he had to piss as a race horse. He rose to the top of the page, he ran out of his sneakers and places of business as a bedroom.

He was in two Shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious wives are apt to be, said, "you don't have gone a very long."

"Pretty."

"Went off the porch, you?"

"Yes, I'm done."

"We had to talk about this, remember? Neighbors can see you. They know it was you, and what there was doing. Are you at least bit embarrassed? "

"" Naw ", they do not know me! At this time was squatting down! "

View the original article here

Relaxing

2012-01-02T01:42:00.000Z

Posted on Day joke | 12. December 2010 | No Comments

One of the Sun in the Americas was temporary Singh at the beach.
The woman came and asked him, "are you a relaxing?"
Singh, answered, "no, I am Banta Singh".

Another guy came and asked him the same question.
Answered, Singh "n: O n: O Me Banta Singh!"
Thirdly, one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was fully harmissaan and decided to move his.
At the same time, walking he saw another Singh, soaking in the Sun.

He went to her and asked, "are you Relaxing?"

Other Singh was much better educated and replied, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Singh, hit his face and said, "the stupid idiot.
All of the searches for you and you're sitting over here! "

View the original article here

Rich and lonely widow

2012-01-01T10:22:00.000Z

rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:

THE RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN'S CONTRIBUTION TO THE LIFE AND FORTUNE THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. DOES NOT WIN ME
2. DOES NOT RUN OFF
3. MUST HAVE a LARGE BED

For several months, his phone rings his Doorbell, was constantly ringing tones, he received the absurd mail … all tonnes. None of the men seemed to meet his qualifications.

Then, the Doorbell rang one day yet again. He opened the door to find the man, not the arms and legs lying on the mat is not Welcome. Perplexed, he asked, "who are you and what?"

"Hello," said the man, "the search is over. for I am your man of your dreams, now is not the arms so I can beat you, and now so does the setae can not run away. "

The old woman asked, "what makes you think you are such a big bed?"

And he replied, "the Doorbell rang, you?"

Sleeping Dog

2011-12-31T17:18:00.000Z

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 12, 2011 | No Comments

One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog’s collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out.

The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “We have ten children. He’s trying to catch up on his sleep.”

View the original article here

Sanana

2011-12-31T04:24:00.000Z

My husband, and often the spelling of words, so that our little children do not understand what we wish. What this had become one of the day, when my husband and were in the grocery store aisle soup habit of does not understand. Aggressive young woman banged on our shopping cart, then nudged me over my cooking to prevent access. Angry, I looked, my husband and said, ' boy, is he r-u-d-e! "

"Yeah," he replied, "and the bet, he or she may, s-p-e-l-l".

School notes

2011-12-30T12:36:00.000Z

These are real notes written by old Mississippi School District. (Spelling is left intact.)

My son is a doctor's care and should not avl today. Run him.

Forgive Lisa for the time being absent. He was sick, and had him shot.

In the absence of a good school: Please ekscuse John, January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33

I apologize to Roland, the avl for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of the tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had his face two teeth.

Chris is a school of which he is on his side for the cus layer Acre.

Sorry Jimmy for the time being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because he had to go Christmas shopping, because I do not know what she used to size.

I apologize to Jennifer is missing school yesterday. We have forgotten to turn off the porch, and when we found the paper on Sunday it Monday, we thought it was a Sunday.

Maryann was out of the December 11-16, because he had a fever, throat pain, headache and upset stomach. His sister was also sick, swine fever and throat pain, his brother was a low grade fever and Roach all over. I would be the best either, throat and swine fever. Must be something going around, her father was even hot last night.

Thinking “Out of the Box”

2011-12-29T19:32:00.000Z

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 11, 2011 | No Comments

Many hundreds of years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant’s beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the merchant’ debt if he could marry the merchant’s daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. The cunning money lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she would become the moneylender’s wife and her father’s debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father’s debt would still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the merchant’s garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant’s garden. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl’s dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking.

Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers.

What would you recommend the girl do?

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

“Oh, how clumsy of me,” she said. “But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked.”

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Most complex problems do have a solution, sometimes we have to think about them in a different way.

View the original article here

Singapore Fellowship and Australian merge to create award-fifth of the world

2011-12-29T02:28:00.000Z

Joint statement said the agreement would create a platform extended for global opportunities in the Asia-Pacific region, the recovery of the world driver clients its worst recession since the 1930s.

Cash and shares offer should be completed in the second quarter of 2011 subject to regulatory approval, the values of the ASX A $48 per share, or a $ 8, a premium of nearly 40pc last price traded.

Magnus Bocker, Executive Director SGX to become Chief Executive of the combined group, said that "by 2020, in less than 10 years from now, more than half of global GDP be in Asia-Pacific region."

"This is an opportunity we can't let go," he said at a press conference.

In terms of total number of inscriptions, ASX - SGX will exceed Tokyo to become the largest second list in the Asia-Pacific region after Bombay, offering more than 2,700 undertakings with more than 20 countries, including 200 of greater China, said the joint statement.

Merged exchanges will provide also access to the institutional investor base outside United States with active combined under valued at 2.3 trillions of dollars, including money from sovereign wealth funds management.

"There is no doubt it's a combination of point of repère.Nous try acting ahead of the curve to be proactive in a rapidly changing world" said Mr. Bocker.

The Wall Street Journal said the merger could create an approximately 1.9 billion market.

"At the end of the day, this combination is not only on the synergies of coût.Il is really on strategically makes us an Exchange much stronger together and positioning we grow in Asia, said the Wai Kwong, Director financial SGX Seck.".

The agreement seems likely to address certain regulatory issues in Australia as Singapore Government is a major shareholder in SGX, but stock exchange officials expected to major obstacles.

"I think that we would have announced it if we do not believe that approval would be forthcoming,", said Robert Elstone, Managing Director and CEO of ASX.

Australian competition and Consumer Commission (ACCC), Graeme Samuel said "I think it's an issue between the Exchange and Singapore Australia Exchange and I do not see that raise competition issues for us," President according to the public broadcaster ABC.

The announcement comes as the ASX is on the verge of losing its monopoly long Australia after the Government gave the go-ahead for rival to implement part exchanges.

SGX President-elect Chew Choon Seng is likely to become the non-Executive Chairman of the entity merged while ASX President David Gonski should become Deputy Chairman.

The combined group will have 1,100 employees and an international jury with 15 directors of five countries.

Something in your hand?

2011-12-28T10:40:00.000Z

As part of the pub, Belfast paddy Murphy search as he had just been taken over by a train. His arms are at the ends of the sling, his nose is broken, his face cut and bruised, and he is walking with a limp.

"What happened to you? asks Sean bartender.

Paddy "Jamie O Conner and me had to fight." says.

"That little shit," says Sean o' Conner "that he could not do for you, he has been assigned common vulnerability and exposure was something in his hand."

"He made. says paddy "bucket is what he had, and he gave me a terrible licken with it"

Says "and" Sean, "you should have to defend yourself, right in your hand was something you don't?"

"That I did," said Paddy … "Mrs. O Conner chest and the case was postponed, the beauty, but useless."

Sleeping Dog

2011-12-27T19:20:00.001Z

An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out.

The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “We have ten children. He’s trying to catch up on his sleep.”

Tips For Health and Enjoy Life With Short Jokes

2011-12-18T13:21:00.000Z

Health is the necessity for all human beings. You can not enjoy anything until you are fit and fine. There is very strong relation between good health and happiness. If you are sad and tensed, you can not maintain good health. So there are some ideas which enable you to be happy for the sake of your health with smile and laughter.

When I am talking about health, it does not only mean physical health, it also refers to mental health. Rather mental health is much more important for us. So there are some important steps to keep yourself mentally healthy:-

o Do not take the things very personally.

o Make a habit of reading good and motivational books.

o Take necessary vitamins to make your mind sharp.

o Do not sit idle, keep on doing something creative.

o Have a dose of laughter through funny material and be relaxed.

o Keep your work up to date.

o Keep yourself busy and do not take part in controversial matters.

So now you came to know that how to make yourself mentally healthy. But after taking care of your mental health, take step to make yourself physically fit. We can do all work successfully with healthy body, so It needs to be taken care. You can follow below mentioned steps to make yourself physically strong:-

o Always avoid alcohol, it is protoplasmic poison.

o Add fresh fruits and green vegetable in your routine diet.

o Take 8-10 glass clean water in a day.

o Get up early in the morning and go for a walk.

o You should not talk too much on cell phone; its radiation may cause your brain.

These are the basics to maintain your health. Above all you should try to adopt good sense of humor. You should laugh a lot in a day. There are lots of short jokes which help to bring laughter on our faces. It is really good for your health. So enjoy life with short jokes. I am sure that if we follow all these steps than health is only few step away. We can enjoy our life with good health only. One can play short jokes and pranks to make life interesting and most enjoyable.

So improve your health with laughter through Short Jokes and go ahead in life with Short Quotes.

Something for Christmas

2011-12-17T20:17:00.000Z

Posted on Day joke | 27. November 2010 | No Comments

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves to enter the Kingdom of heaven is expected to be at the pearly Gates. [1] [2] they are told that they must be something in the "Christmassy".In order to have.

The first man finds his pocket and find some pine needles in the family Christmas tree.He let it.

Second man presents at the bow, and some Ribbon, starting from the present, which was opened earlier that night., he also so permits.

The third man pulls off a pair of panties.

Confused with this last movement is, St. Peter asks, "How can these represent Christmas?"

To which he replies, "Oh, they're Carol n."

View the original article here

Thinking “Out of the Box”

2011-12-17T04:57:00.000Z

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers.

What would you recommend the girl do?

“Oh, how clumsy of me,” she said. “But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Most complex problems do have a solution, sometimes we have to think about them in a different way.

Dog for Protection

2011-12-16T11:53:00.000Z

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, “He doesn’t like men.”

“Perfect,” my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear the the trainer wasn’t kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

The Blonde

2011-12-15T22:52:00.000Z

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” answered the blonde.”They’re watch dogs!”

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

2011-12-15T07:04:00.000Z

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story. A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, “It really works!”

Spelling mistake

2011-12-14T15:44:00.001Z

Posted a day in the life of a joke | 9. February 2011 | There are no comments

One spelling mistake destroy your life!

The husband, his wife wrote a message on the occasion of their official trip and forgot to add the "e" at the end of the word …

"I have a wonderful time! His wish was ...! "

View the original article here

English School

2011-12-13T14:32:00.000Z

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 9, 2011 | No Comments

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.

“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”

“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?”

“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

View the original article here

The Blonde

2011-12-13T01:38:00.000Z

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 5, 2011 | No Comments

“Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” answered the blonde.”They’re watch dogs!”

View the original article here

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

2011-12-12T09:50:00.000Z